A Part of Me

by Anouska Knight

  Rohan held his other hand out for Lily. She came back from the water’s edge to stand at my right side, reaching for my hand instead. As soon as she had it, she happily resumed sky-gazing too. We stayed that way for a few minutes, a daisy chain at the water’s edge.

  Rohan allowed our intertwined hands to coast over to my leg, so he could gently brush his thumb over the white cotton of my dress. ‘You look beautiful tonight, Amy.’

  ‘So do you.’ I smiled to the sensation of another flurry of internal pyrotechnics. Something inside my chest began to inflate.

  ‘Yo, RO!’ Max called from up by the mill. ‘You’re up, bud. The guys want to see this new brace of yours, see if you’re any slower than usual.’ He laughed, his white-blond hair like a beacon to guide us home.

  Rohan shook his head, laughing to himself. ‘Cheeky blighter. In his dreams am I slower than him. Are you coming to watch?’ he asked.

  ‘If you promise not to make me join you?’ I scowled.

  ‘Scout’s promise.’ He grinned, leading us off the jetty.

  ‘You were not in the Scouts,’ I said dubiously.

  ‘I was, got the badges and everything. Dib dib … dob dob.’

  I bounced my hip into him. ‘You weren’t, were you?’ I asked, hoping I wasn’t the only one incapable of successfully earning a full arm of insignias.

  ‘Nah.’ He laughed. ‘Too busy learning how to break my bones.’

  He held onto my hand all the way back up into the yard where dressed-down revellers were helping themselves to beers from the ice buckets and food from the grill. Lily was lagging. Rohan’s hand slipped from mine as she ran around me to be carried by her father. We walked on over the embankment, and once again I felt the tenderness of his fingers through mine. He didn’t let go of me until we’d made it through those brave enough to dance on the grass, Carter demonstrating his yoga talents watched possessively by Phil, and the bike enthusiasts watching the show.

  Lily was yawning when we finally reached the ramps. Only then did Rohan let go of my hand, passing Lily to me so that she snuggled into my shoulder. She was beginning to slump in my arms, tiredness overcoming her.

  ‘Daddy’s just going to show them how it’s done, baby girl, and then we’ll go for a cuddle in bed, okay?’

  Lily nodded vacantly. Rohan leant in and laid a kiss on her head, then unexpectedly, his lips chastely pressed a kiss on mine.

  That inflated thing inside of me popped like a confetti bomb. Every nerve ending, from my lips to my toes, tingling.

  He pulled back, checking my reaction. I reminded myself to breathe again. He smiled that glorious smile beneath hazel eyes, and disappeared into the crowd of bodies.

  By the time my brain had regained control of all five senses, Rohan was ready to make his first drop.

  I whispered softly against Lily’s ear, ‘Look, sweetie; look at what your daddy can do.’ Rohan threw himself into another crazy display to the whoops and claps of his friends. There was a new fearlessness in him, something released from its tether and allowed to soar. I knew there’d been a sense of triumph in the knee brace he and Carter had finished working on. Nearly every time their paths had crossed around the mill this week, there’d been some flutter of conversation about patents and how they might get the brace out where it could be useful, in rehabilitation centres and military facilities, or even just other sporting arenas where horrific accidents weren’t enough to kill the taste these guys had for adrenalin. Rohan hadn’t had any injuries for a while now, the knee brace had liberated the way he rode, and he wanted to share that.

  Lily wasn’t so engrossed with her father’s talents and was slipping in and out of sleep. I rocked her slowly, smoothing away the hair from her face, kissing her lightly on the head. I studied her perfect features. Such a precious gift. It was hard to comprehend how so many like her were in need of homes.

  ‘He’s back,’ purred a honeyed voice, from the crowd behind me. Another appreciative spectator. I kept my eyes trained on him, wondering how many of these people had known Rohan before his accident, and how incredibly gifted he must have been if losing his leg had made him any lesser an athlete.

  Something clicked repeatedly near to my right shoulder. I turned and was greeted by a chunky black zoom lens and a scruffy chignon of blonde hair. Megan took a few more action shots before turning her pale blues eyes on me.

  ‘You really did keep an eye on them, didn’t you?’ She smiled, slipping the camera strap over her arm. She held her hands out to me for her child. I swallowed, knowing that my cheeks were on fire. Lily whimpered as I passed her to her mother, the indentation of my wrinkled dress on her cheek. Megan looked at me as if she could see the imprint Lily had left on me too, and just like that, I was redundant again.

  CHAPTER 33

  ROHAN HAD BEEN almost as surprised as I had to see Megan there watching him. Actually, that wasn’t true. I couldn’t have been more surprised if it’d been the cockle man standing next to me, bronzed and bleached by the Spanish sun. I’d managed to stay there next to her until Rohan had finished on the bikes. I’d been hiding out in the yard ever since, behind the trestle-table stacked with cider kegs and burger baps.

  Carter had said he could run me home earlier. Trouble was, I hadn’t seen either him or Phil for nearly an hour now. For added measure, I’d left my phone upstairs, where Rohan and Megan had disappeared an hour ago.

  She hadn’t been due until tomorrow. That was the first thing Rohan had said as I stood there, flip-flops glued to the grass while I kept thinking up exit lines.

  Megan had been perfectly pleasant throughout. She’d flown in from Barcelona a day early, and wanted to take Lily to see her parents for a couple of nights before they both flew off to Stockholm. Rohan hadn’t been ready for Lily to go home, but Megan had pointed out that she was already asleep, and if she took her now, he could enjoy the rest of the night without having to keep the noise down. I hadn’t left my spot, they had and had gone off to gather Lily’s things together.

  ‘Hey!’ someone shouted, jumping up on me from behind. I nearly choked on a piece of bap.

  ‘Phil! Don’t do that, jeez.’

  ‘Okay, okay … I’m sorry.’

  ‘Where have you been?’

  ‘Around the front, by the waterwheel. Cart’s doing extreme yoga dares round there. He’s hilarious. And very supple,’ she said salaciously.

  ‘Have you been drinking something harder than beer?’

  ‘I had a couple of Carter’s shots for him. He’s not used to drinking but still, he’s pulling some pretty impressive positions. Some of the kids have dared him to down a few shots between each of the poses. That one-legged king pigeon was by far the least expected spectacle of the night.’ She grinned.

  ‘Carter’s drinking? But we need a ride home.’

  ‘Oh, that’s okay. Vicky and Molly are going to drop us.’

  ‘Who are Vicky and Molly?’

  ‘Tall? Friendly? Both kinda Icelandic-looking? I guess you might’ve noticed them if the other blonde hadn’t shown up, huh?’ I lobbed the rest of the bun in the bin and found one last remaining beer in the ice bucket.

  ‘Sorry, Phil. But I’m having this.’

  ‘That bad?’ I pinged the lid off and took my first drink since The Attic. What was I even expecting to happen here? Rohan and I were different in every sense. ‘I hate to say it, hon, but that girl is not over him. I think you have a fight on your hands.’

  I took a great glug from the bottle. Megan had been territorial tonight. Only a little, but it was there. ‘If she’s interested, there won’t be any fight, Phil. Megan’s got it covered here, I think.’ I had nothing to compete.

  ‘And what about what you want? Or Rohan?’

  ‘What about what Lily wants?’

  ‘Lily’s not your responsibility, Ame. You are.’

  ‘I wonder if Petra’s friends said the same thing to her, Phil, before she ran off into the sunset with my father,’ I said, shaking my head. />
  ‘Petra and your dad are happily married, Ame. It’s not neat and tidy, but it’s genuine.’

  A few people began trickling over the hill towards us. Some of them muttered a friendly ‘goodnight’ on their way past, then two svelte twenty-something blondes beamed at Phil.

  ‘Are you guys ready?’ the one with the band of flower-buds across her forehead asked.

  ‘Ready?’ Phil asked me.

  ‘Absolutely,’ I said, glugging again. We were crunching a path across the yard towards the timber walkway over the water when a man’s voice called down to us from the balcony.

  ‘You running out on me, Cinders?’

  The light from the lanterns along the walkway didn’t quite reach his face. The two blondes giggled quietly.

  ‘I think he’s talking to you,’ Phil whispered, loud enough that the people still in the meadow probably heard.

  ‘Er … Micky and Vick—, Vicky and Molly are giving us a ride.’ More soft giggling.

  ‘Who? Micky, Vicky, Molly and who?’ I could hear the smile in his voice. ‘Sounds crowded. Why don’t I run you home?’

  ‘Have you been drinking, Juliet?’ Phil called up to him, sniggering.

  ‘Not a drop, Mercutio. I thought my daughter would be here, so …’ His voice turned back to me. ‘I’m good and boring if you want that lift.’

  In the light of the lanterns, Phil was grinning at me. ‘Okay!’ she yelped. ‘You’re right, too crowded. Rohan will take you home. And tell your friend he owes me a ride in his campervan!’ she declared, planting a kiss on my cheek and running off along the walkway. Vicky and Molly giggled and followed her, leaving me standing there like a turnip.

  An eerie peace settled around me again. His voice cut through it like a sickle. ‘Would you like to come up? This is some view up here.’

  The moon had burst over the millpond like a radiant pearl, suspended in black water. He’d gone when I looked back up there.

  I looked back across the black waters and a shock of goose bumps raced over my skin. Tomorrow would be a new month, I remembered.

  *

  Inside, the mill was a palette of shadows. I flip-flopped across the hall, finding the chunky newel post with my memory and took the stairs up onto the minstrel’s gallery. It was deathly quiet.

  I slowed as I crossed the landing, past Lily’s abandoned room, tentatively slipping from the darkness into the greyer light of Rohan’s bedroom. The balcony doors were wide open, soft light spilling in through them from the lanterns below and moon above. I stepped out onto the balcony, and felt him move behind me.

  ‘Now the work’s done, I’ve been trying to think of another reason to keep you here,’ he said quietly, his breath catching on the back of my shoulder.

  I swallowed in case I croaked my reply. ‘And did you find one?’ My heart was palpitating in my ribcage.

  He breathed deeply behind me. ‘Do I need a reason?’ He ran his fingers over the back of my shoulder, a current of goose bumps chasing them down along my arm, around the curve of my elbow.

  He held my hand, turning me into him. I could smell him, sweet and male, something faint like fire smoke clinging to his shirt.

  ‘Where have you been?’ I whispered.

  If he’d been up here necking with Megan, now was the time to say.

  ‘Meg caught me off guard earlier. We had a few things to talk over while I got Lil’s things together.’ No mention of necking, snogging, and/or heavy petting. Excellent.

  He was coming in closer, the broadness of his chest near enough to mine that I could feel his body heat. A rattle of heavy footfall shot over the walkway below us. I tensed. Laughter and more running footsteps followed the first, pattering away towards the boathouse. Rohan looked over the balcony handrail.

  ‘It’s just the kids, messing around.’ The silhouette of his face was still pointed towards the water.

  This time, the noise was more conspicuous. A dull thud and then disturbance on the surface of the pond. Rohan let out a breath. ‘Tristan? Whatever you’re doing, knock it off. No messing near the water.’

  More rumblings of distant laughter.

  ‘It’s only me, Ro!’ squeaked Carter. His voice carrying through the darkness. Rohan was trying to make him out in the shadows. There was no one on the pale stones of the path.

  ‘Cart?’ Rohan called, his voice sharpening.

  ‘It’s all right, Ro! John’s fixed her up a treat!’

  ‘He’s in the boat,’ Rohan yelped, darting out past me. I looked out, to the sounds of clumping wood and Carter’s giggling. I ran out after Rohan, following him through the dark mill and down towards the jetty. He was there before I could catch him up, pulling at his shoes, unbuckling his jeans. I could see now, Carter was floating out towards the middle of the millpond, the little boat the lads had helped John refurbish wobbling under him.

  ‘He can’t swim, can he?’ I asked.

  ‘Like a lead weight,’ Rohan said, holding onto the worry in his voice.

  ‘Don’t try to stand, Carter!’ I cried, watching him fumble to his knees in the moonlight. ‘How deep is this?’

  Rohan was pulling at his prosthesis, releasing it from its fixing. ‘About two of me,’ he said, pulling off the lining sock from his stump. I could feel the panic rising.

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘If the oars are in, I’ll row him back. If not, I’ll have to try to push the boat back with him in it.’

  ‘But what if he doesn’t stay in it?’ I asked, bewildered.

  ‘Then you’re gonna need to call for help. I won’t be able to keep him afloat by myself, Amy.’ Rohan pushed himself up and wearing only his shirt and briefs dived into the ominous waters. Carter was still rocking the boat – laughing – oblivious to the danger he was in.

  I watched Rohan make it steadily across the pond to him, the moonlight sporadically catching his arms as they sliced through the water. I scanned the perimeter for a life ring, or another person. There was nothing. Carter’s head popped up from the edge of the rowing boat. He flopped a hand, curiously into the water. Rohan was calling to him in between strokes. Carter was going to go in. Before anyone could get to them, Rohan would be trying to hang onto him, alone.

  I could hear the boat rocking clumsily as I scrambled through Rohan’s jean pockets for his phone. Nothing. The panic was rising.

  I was a strong swimmer, had clocked up hours of lengths at the gym pool. How strong I’d be in a freezing-cold mini-lake, I wasn’t sure but I wasn’t leaving one or both of them to disappear into these black waters while everyone partied on oblivious in the meadow.

  My dress was thin enough, I kicked off my flip-flops and dived in off the jetty.

  As soon as my head speared the water, I understood the danger. The cold was like being crushed by a giant hand, my lungs withering down into two shrivelled husks. I gasped against the sensation, breaking into long strides through the water, trying to leave the shock behind me. Rohan had reached the boat, and was pushing Carter back into it.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Rohan shouted.

  ‘Helping,’ I gasped, trying not to let my teeth chatter. Something reedy tickled my feet. I kicked my legs, trying to climb through the water away from it. ‘Let’s get this boat back,’ I said, swimming around to the other side. Carter flopped back into the boat. Another reed stroked at me. ‘Come on,’ I yelped. ‘Let’s go.’

  Rohan didn’t say another word, moving around to my side where slowly and gradually, between three good legs we somehow began to press the boat through the freezing water. It took at least twice the time to get it back to shore but somehow, silent and shivering, we did it. Rohan crouched awkwardly, panting in the shallow water, trying to wedge the boat safely onto the shore. Eventually, the boat stopped trying to slip free of its stony mattress. We sat there, exhausted, shivering and breathless, beside Carter out cold in his wooden bed.

  Rohan’s things were still dumped on the jetty. ‘I’ll tell you what,’ he said,
finally breaking the sombre silence. His breathing had nearly levelled out. ‘You get my leg, then I’ll get the towels?’ Despite the trauma of the last twenty minutes, I could see his smile in the moonlight. I don’t know why, call it the effects of jumping into a freezing millpond and rescuing a berk in a boat, but all the feelings I’d had in my chest tonight suddenly grouped, and erupted as laughter.

  *

  I’d watched Rohan tending to his friend as I continued to drip from beneath my towel all over the boathouse floor. Finally we squelched in silence back up to the mill, where Rohan had a shirt for me to change into and a hot shower if I wanted it.

  Something had hardened in him as he’d pulled Carter from his jeans, wet from being manhandled by a soaked-through friend. I’d tried to hide my shock when I saw Carter’s legs, covered in thick angry scarring, the kind anyone would know had been left by horrific burns. Rohan was too busy concentrating on his own thoughts to notice anyway.

  He wasn’t holding my hand now, as we walked quietly up to the mill.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I finally dared.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he countered.

  ‘I’m fine, Rohan. Just glad our Baywatch bit didn’t go wrong,’ I said, trying to lighten the mood.

  ‘They can’t pull that kind of crap without seriously risking something disastrous,’ he said sharply. ‘Why are kids so stupid?’

  We were all guilty of that.

  Rohan was still lost in thought as we slipped past the smouldering embers of the barbecues into the darkness of the mill. The music had quietened over the far side of the meadow now. I left my flip-flips at the foot of the staircase and quietly padded up behind him.

  He moved off to the concealed dressing area as I ambled over to the balcony doors, to see if it still looked tranquil out there now. It struck me how silly my phobia was. I was fine up here, if I stayed back from the edge, but smaller insignificant heights had my bones turning to rubber. The millpond did look more sinister now as I realised how far into the expanse of water we’d been. I shivered at the thought of those reeds, lassoing my ankles and dragging me to the bottom until the last bubble of life raced from my lips to the surface.