‘Can I call you when I get back?’ he asked, less sure now.
I pressed my lips together and nodded politely. ‘Sure.’
‘Sure?’ he asked.
I bobbed my head, unable to look at him again. We stood that way for just long enough that both of us knew this silence wasn’t going to get any easier.
A new expression washed over him. An understanding.
‘I guess I’ll see you then, Amy,’ he said, turning slowly for the end of the driveway. He gave me enough time to call after him, but thoughts of Lily kept me quiet.
CHAPTER 36
TWO WEEKS OF June afternoons sat in Mum’s back garden trawling through design agency jobs boards had seen my skin deepen enough shades that my first official fortnight as an unemployed woman could’ve been spent in the Med.
Phil’s skin colour never changed, she was one of those all about the preservation of youth, recoiling at the prospect of wrinkled cleavages and white triangles. I couldn’t pick at her logic, she was healthier than I was, as demonstrated by her unchanged breathing into an effortless lap of Jackson’s Park. I, on the other hand, had abandoned the gym long enough ago now that I was sure I could taste a little bit of blood in the back of my throat, as per my school days with the PE teacher who was a closet Paula Radcliffe fanatic.
‘Claire left on Friday,’ Phil breezed, striding along the path like a spring-footed antelope.
There were eight of my strides between the billowy maple trees lining the park footpaths, seven of Phil’s I’d noted. I paced my breathing so I could answer without inviting another stitch. ‘Yeah, I know. We had lunch last week.’
‘I know. She said. When’s the big interview?’ Phil asked, checking her stats on her wrist watch.
I tried to take a sip from my water bottle but a good eighty per cent of the attempt ended up soaking through my vest. ‘Friday. Ten thirty. I won’t have too much time to sweat over it. Hopefully.’
‘Well, I hope you do, and that you stink when you get in there and they won’t even consider hiring you for your lacking personal hygiene.’ Phil had rejected the I’ll-try-to-be-happy-for-you bit and had stayed staunchly with leave-and-our-friendship-will-never-be-the-same, instead. Save for a few tears, Mum was trying much harder. I hadn’t even had the interview yet.
‘I probably won’t get it, Phil.’ I shrugged, though the movement was lost in my ungraceful jogging.
‘Are you kidding? Back-breaking hours, ball-busting clients, and a few well-placed words from their newest partner? This job has your name all over it and we all sodding know it. You’ll be shopping for York apartments with somewhere to park your Audi come Saturday morning.’
A little flutter of panic bothered my insides. Devlin Raines were a big deal. This job would be demanding, and difficult and all-consuming. If I got it. It would also be my fresh start. In exchange for an attractive package, Devlin Raines would take all of my time, and with it any room for idle reflections of ex pro-bikers, ex-partners and fruitless dreams.
Phil was on the cusp of sulking. ‘How’re things with Carter?’ I asked, changing tack. ‘I’ve missed not seeing him around.’
‘Yeah, me too. Him getting hammered at the party gave me an excuse to cool it off for a little while.’
‘But he’s great, Phil!’
‘I know! And I’ll call him in a few weeks, we’ll hook up. I just need a breather. I got a bit too into him too quickly. It was really freaky, actually,’ she said, visibly blown by the effect Carter had had on her.
‘I think that’s okay, Phil. It’s called liking someone.’
‘I know … I just don’t know that I like that I like him. I mean,’ her voice dropped to a whisper, ‘a yoga-loving hippy.’ Phil looked genuinely pained. Considering her usual demeanour with men was something akin to that of a partner-munching praying mantis, she was handling her voyage of self-discovery with Carter fairly well. It seemed I was the big fat hussy in this circle. Unlike Phil, I’d already made my ultimate discovery and then had waved it off to Stockholm.
Phil and I had already agreed that Rohan was off conversational limits until I’d got my head around what had almost happened there.
‘I need a breather, Phil. Like right now,’ I wheezed, letting all the pounding of my body move from my thighs to my lungs. I came to a giddy halt at the foot of one of the park’s bridges. Phil, already at its pinnacle, stopped and jogged back down towards me. She began stretching out against the railings.
I took a long refreshing glug of water, eyeing the row of Victorian townhouses across the park. James had told me that he’d bought it, but seeing the SOLD sign hammered it home.
‘He is going to be able to buy you out of the house, isn’t he? Now that he’s taken that on as well,’ Phil said, following the direction of my eyes. James hadn’t resisted telling the office of his latest bargain.
‘He said he would, if it didn’t sell. But the agent’s already shown a few people around. It’s a good family home, in a quiet cul-de-sac. They say it’ll shift fairly quickly anyway.’
‘Won’t you miss it there?’ Phil asked, knowing the varied history that went with those walls. The hopes made, and dashed, and made again.
‘No. It’s better this way, Phil. There’s nothing here for me to work towards. The jobs pages are telling me that in clear bold print.’
‘But, you’ve had an interview already.’
‘Yes, one, Phil! I found one job that necessitated my qualifications and that was for a job-share at mid-level.’
Phil grimaced. ‘Were the hours good?’
‘For spending half the week dossing at home on my own? Yeah, the hours were great.’
‘Well, it must work for someone, Ame, or there wouldn’t be a job-share, would there? Did they tell you anything about the person you’d be sharing with?’
‘She was in the interview. She was lovely, actually. She’s separated from her husband and wants to spend more time at home with her little boy. I don’t think they’d had many takers for the position, the pay wasn’t great. They probably wouldn’t have offered it to me on the spot otherwise.’
‘Oh, Ame. Of course they would. So I take it you told them to stick it up their bums?’
‘Face to face?’ Phil knew me better than that. ‘Thought I’d see what Devlins come back with first. If it’s a no-go, I might need the job-share to tide me over.’
‘I’d love to go back to mid-level,’ Phil sighed, ‘let someone else have all the hassle, leave the work behind when you walk out of the building. Where was it at?’
‘Clayton Associates.’
‘Where are they?’
‘Just on the outskirts of the city.’
‘Never heard of them.’
‘Exactly.’
Phil skipped past me up over the bridge. ‘I’m seizing up; come on, let’s walk.’ I screwed my drink shut and followed, falling in beside her lithe stride. Sundays in the park were always my favourite. The days where you could see couples on benches, old men reading newspapers, children learning to ride bikes with their parents running anxiously behind.
Phil pulled the band from her hair, ruffling her fringe back into place. ‘So, am I at least allowed to ask about the kid?’
‘Nope.’
Phil tapped her hands against her thighs. ‘I know you miss her.’
‘Not talking about it,’ I said, repositioning the jacket tied around my waist.
‘I was watching you, you know, when you were holding her that night, while he-who-we-shall-not-speak-of was showing off.’
‘He wasn’t showing off, Phil. He’s just—’
‘Amazing, I know. I saw.
‘You were completely natural with her, Ame. The way I would be with a Gucci puff-sleeve jacket. It was like she just … fit you. And you fitted her, too.’
The endorphins from my run were already starting to wane. I did miss Lily. I missed them both. ‘What are you suggesting, Phil? A bit of light abduction?’
‘We could pr
obably swing it, but even with Carter’s help, Rohan’s going be a heavy lift.’ I shot a look at her. ‘Sorr-ee. I won’t mention him again.’ We’d fallen into one of those idle walks, more of an amble, where your feet felt heavier with each step.
‘Would the job with the split hours really be so bad for you, hon? It wasn’t that long ago you were trying to talk Adrian into splitting your leave with James. Now here it is, offered up on a plate.’
I tried not to laugh. ‘You’re right! But my life is like a Rubik’s Cube, Phil. One piece twists into place and three others get messed up. I have no reason to take a part-time job any more. Other than having zero income, and going mad at Mum’s.’
‘So find a reason.’
‘Like what?’
Phil stopped walking, rested her hands lightly on her hips and turned to me.
‘Amy, I like my life. Even with that weirdo Carter in it, I like my life – like my freedom. I know that I don’t want to be a mum. Ever. I like being able to lavish all of my money on myself, on indulgences like expensive cosmetics that I can leave out next to my pill, because some kid who’s nearly as demanding as I am isn’t going to wake up before I do and eat them. I am just not meant to be that woman, Ame. But … that isn’t you. You are meant for it.’ Other than peripheral updates on the adoption that never was, we did not do the kiddie talk. Any strand of conversation even remotely linked to the subject of child-rearing was nearly always administered by Phil with a short sharp scratch. She lifted her hands and let them slap noisily against her thighs. ‘Ame, you’re meant to be a mother. And there’s a kid out there who’s waiting for you to go and be their mum. I can feel it, Amy. I believe it. You can think I’m just trying to make you stay, and you can go all the way to York if you want to, but you’re going to find exactly the same truth up there.’
The park was so pretty, dappled in sunlight and shade. ‘I don’t think it’s meant to be, Phil.’
‘Bullshit,’ she snapped. ‘You’ve done it before and you could do it again, if you wanted to. It wasn’t James driving everything on the last time, Ame, it was you. It was always you. They’re going to offer you that job on Friday, Ame, and you can think that I’m being selfish, because I don’t want you to move away, but I’m telling you, there isn’t a job out there that’s going to fill that hole for you. There just isn’t.’
‘Go through it all again? Apply to be a single parent?’
‘Just a parent, Ame. Why put any more labels on it than that? In an ideal world, we’d all have someone to hold our hands but sometimes we’ve just got to take a bloody big breath, be brave, and dive in.’
‘Phil, you’ve got Carter just waiting for the chance to hold your hand, and I don’t see you diving in! You’ve blown him off!’
‘I didn’t blow him off, I just cooled it for a few weeks. Blowing him off would have been turning him away on my mum’s doorstep when he’s about to leave the country.’
‘I’m not talking about him!’
‘Why not? Anyone could see that Rohan’s into you. Why just let him go off with his ex, if he’s asking you to talk him out of it? What else has the guy gotta do?’
‘Nothing. He hasn’t got to do anything. He should just … get on with doing his thing.’
‘And what if his thing is you?’
‘Phil!’ I said in exasperation. ‘I’m not it! His thing is his daughter … and his sport. That’s why he’s out there with Megan, in Stockholm, and I’m here. We have nothing in common! You’ve seen his lifestyle, Phil, he was a professional sportsman. He’s got thousands of followers online, people who are like him, into the same things he’s into.’ People like the mother of his child. ‘It would never have worked out anyway.’
I started walking again.
‘Thousands of followers, huh? You’ve been stalking him, then?’ she said, reaching a hand onto my shoulder.
I stopped moving and let out a long breath. ‘No … my brother has.’
‘Well, let’s have a look, then,’ she declared, ripping her phone from its strapping around her arm. ‘Phil, I don’t—’
‘So don’t. I will.’ She began tapping the screen. ‘H-o-t-b-u-n-s … I’m kidding,’ she teased. I stood there, conspicuously silent as Phil rifled through the internet pages. ‘Ah. Here we go … Bloody hell, nineteen thousand followers. He is a popular fella. No wonder Viv hit her petition figures, Rohan put a call out to all his biker disciples,’ she said, her thumbs making light work of the information in front of her.
‘Rohan did what?’
Phil’s eyebrow twitched, happy that she’d hooked me. ‘He offered up one of his old bikes for anyone who signed and forwarded the link for the petition. I guess that makes him a nice guy.’ She carried on scanning through the phone screen, looking for more proof that I should’ve pulled him into Mum’s house that night and locked the door behind him.
‘Damn, Ame, he looks good in a suit. These photos are recent – wanna see?’
I shook my head, dawdling beside her, trying to occupy myself with the other activity in the park and purge him from my head. Megan probably took those pictures. I did not need to think about any of it – see any of it.
‘Looks like he’s been a busy boy. He’s doing a lot of handshaking with other guys who don’t look so good in suits. They don’t look very Swedish, either.’
‘I don’t think everyone in Sweden necessarily looks like Sven and Ulrika, Phil.’
‘Okay, so how many of them have names like …’ She peered closer at her phone. ‘David Green and Roger Phillips? Of Liverpool-based global non-invasive orthopaedics company Ortho-Ped Technologies?’ Phil’s voice lilted with the same confusion that was starting to fuzz my own head.
‘What?’
‘That’s what it says. That he’s been in meetings with these guys, some sort of manufacturing deal with this Ortho-Ped place. Ortho-Ped Technologies are market leaders in the development, manufacture and supply of prosthetics, bracing and support products—’
I interrupted Phil’s spiel relay. ‘Rohan’s in Liverpool? As in England?’
Phil peered at me over the top of her phone. ‘Now I’m no Judith Chalmers, Ame, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t a Liverpool in Sweden.’
I pulled the phone from her hands, fingers hungrily whipping through the pictures on Rohan’s profile. She was right. He did look good in a suit, but then we already knew that. There were entries, too, Rohan’s updates on the meetings he’d had, the potential for his knee brace. I scrolled through them impatiently. For every snippet of information he’d posted, flurries of followers had replied to the thread, encouraging, congratulating … asking when they’d see him return to competitive sport.
‘He never left the UK, hon.’
‘But, she said … going to the games would open doors for him …’
‘I guess not everyone’s into the sassy photographer types?’ Phil smiled, folding her arms in satisfaction. ‘Looks like he didn’t want to go through the doors Miss Thing might open for him when he could kick a few down by himself over here.’
I looked through the blurb at the top of Rohan’s profile. There was a photo of him, his silhouette upside-down over a bike ramp against a setting sun. Beneath the picture simply read:
Ro Bywater
G-Force Gold Medallist
Beating my own path somewhere, probably on two wheels.
CHAPTER 37
I’D MISSED FOUR calls from Mum. I was just flicking through the times each had been made when her name appeared centre screen.
‘Hi, Ma.’
I could already hear the impatience mixing with the hesitation. ‘So? How do you think it went?’
I smiled at the phone, minding the tram tracks as I skipped across city square. Devlin Raines had been as thorough in their interview assault as I’d expected. Usually I might have felt more intimidated during the experience, but since last weekend’s discovery that Rohan hadn’t loped off into the sunset with Megan, I seemed to have this invisible cloak o
f indifference about me, impermeable to the effects of normal everyday concerns.
‘Good. I think. They’re going to let me know,’ I answered. Rohan had to be back by now. I’d tried to think of reasons to just stumble past the mill but other than a well-timed river accident involving a canoe I didn’t own, I was all out of light bulbs. I wasn’t sure that he would save me now anyway.
‘Oh,’ Mum said. Even in her silence I could hear her mood dip.
Clinging to my portfolio and phone, I fed my way into the pedestrians on the pavement. The lunchtime bistro rush reminding me that as the only full-time option that didn’t involve tele-sales, I did actually need this job.
‘Mum, nothing’s set in stone,’ I reassured her. ‘Even if they do offer it to me, I’ve got a lot to think about before I make any decisions,’ I lied. My things were mostly still in boxes, awaiting their final destination. James and I had accepted an offer on the house and as soon as the conveyancing was complete, I’d have enough for a good deposit to put down on my own place before the job, if I got it, started in September.
‘You mean like leaving your family and friends? Don’t forget, you do have another option. It might be a lesser role, sweetheart, but the last interview you had offered far more flexibility for families.’
‘But I don’t have my own family, Mum.’
‘No, and if you move away, sweetheart, you’re going to be saying goodbye to the chance. Putting those hopes to bed for good. You’ll have no support network up there.’
Mum had dropped a few well-placed hints over the last few weeks, how single parenthood might be nightmarish at times, but the rewards joyful enough that she couldn’t regret a single day of raising us alone. Since James had emailed through details of the offer on the house, Mum had turned into Loyd Grossman and had been online and through the virtual keyhole of every three-bed semi in Greenacres Primary’s catchment.
I stopped fussing with my earring, trying to hang on to the small semblance of something normal that the interview had at least given me. Rohan hadn’t gone to Stockholm, but Megan wouldn’t stay there for ever. ‘I know, Mum. Look, I’ll see you later, okay?’
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