“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say! You lied to me for months, Sebastian. You let me fall in love with you despite what you had done!” I roar.
“You have to listen to me! I never meant to hurt you,” he begs me immediately some of that rage I feel resurfaces and I my hand connects with his face. The loud slap leaves the palm of my hand stinging, but he never breaks his stare.
“Hurt me? Is that what you think you did? You destroyed my life Sebastian!! Not just once, but twice! I trusted you and you ripped my soul into shreds.”
“Baby, I love you. I fucking love you more than life. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I know what I did is unforgivable. I have hated myself every moment of every single day since the night of that accident. I would have gladly died that night instead of your parents. God knows I didn’t deserve to live that night!”
“You’re right! You didn’t deserve to live that night! But here you are…breathing air you don’t deserve to breathe!” I scream at him. I see the pain and horror in his face that my words cause him. Part of me wants to run to him and tell him how sorry I am, and the other part of me knows that part of me really meant those words.
He turns and hangs his head in defeat as he walks toward the door. He stops before opening it and speaks with his back still facing me. “I will always love you, my beautiful girl. I had clothes delivered for you and they are hanging in the wardrobe. When you are ready, my driver will take you wherever you wish to go,” he sadly says and leaves the room.
I collapse back across the bed and feel the tears as they slide down my cheeks. I cry until I have no more tears left in me and then I dress and walk downstairs. As promised, the driver is waiting on me at the front of the huge English estate. I glance back one last time up at the house and spot Sebastian looking down at me from one of the large windows above.
The man I still madly love destroyed my life, yet I’ve destroyed my chances with the man who madly loves me. One man owns every part of my soul, while another man holds my heart. Two men, two loves…one choice. Pulling out my phone, I message Kylie.
ME: I need my best friend!
I am relieved that her response is immediate.
KYLIE: Come to L.A.!
“Where to, ma’am?” The driver asks me as I settle back into my seat.
My answer comes easily and he nods his head. I just made the only decision that I know how to and I pray it is the right one.
Sebastian
Watching her drive away is just as painful as every other time she has left me. As the car disappears in the distance, I grip the long velvet curtain so tightly that it causes it to fall from rod of the enormous window.
She’s gone and I didn’t stop her. Why did her words affect me so much this time? Did she really mean what she had said? Does she really wish that I had died too that night? How can she say she loves me and then hate me at the same time?
Anger rushes over me and I begin knocking over everything in sight. Antique vases go crashing against the wall and books go flying off the tall built in bookcase. When my fit of fury subsides, I lean over the old Victorian dresser and grip the thick wooden edges with my hands. My heart is pounding and I fight to catch my breath. When I look up into the mirror mounted on the wall in front of me, I am disgusted at what I see.
The man staring back at me is nothing but a loser. I can hear my father taunting me again.
You are nothing but a disgrace to the Thorne name. You’ve let that little bitch make you weak!
“Shut up!” I scream and turn back to the mirror. With one violent jerk, I manage to yank it from the wall only to send it flying across the room. I lean my back up against the dresser and slide down to the cold wooden floor beneath me. Defeated, I sink my head into my hands, as the memories of last night come crashing over me like a violent storm. I feel the burning of the tears as they press against my eyelids.
It had been pure torture undressing her and putting her in that nightgown. I know every fucking inch of her delectable body, like the back of my hand. As the silk slid down past the scars on her body, I couldn’t help but wonder just how many scars I’d put on the inside of her. Those are the scars that never completely heal. Those are the ones that never stop hurting. Just like my name, I had scared my beloved rose with my thorns.
Why did I let her leave? What will it take for her to forgive me? At this moment, I just don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not giving up. Not now…not ever.
Skylar
I don’t know what I am going to say to him when I walk into that room, but I have to face him and what I have done. I want to run. I mean it is a logical fight or flight response that I had learned in one of my Psychology classes in college. Thing is sometimes I get tired of fighting and this time I am ready to flee far from here. But running only makes me a coward and I am not one. I own my mistakes.
I don’t have my key to our suite, so I gently knock on the door and take a deep breath as I straighten my clothes. He isn’t going to like what I have to say, but it’s the only way.
Lucas
I sit on her bed for hours waiting for her to come back to the hotel. I had spent the entire night scouring the streets of London. I am petrified that something has happened to her, but I am praying that she just needs some time to herself. When there is a loud knock on the door, I nearly fall over my feet trying to get to it.
I don’t even bother checking to see who it is, I just open the door. Relief floods over me when I look into her eyes. She will never know what those vibrant blue green eyes do to me. She stands there looking completely exhausted wearing different clothes that from last night. Where has she has been?
She diverts her eyes downward to her feet. I know that look all too well. It is the look of shame and regret. Without hesitating I reach and wrap my arms around her and pull her up against me. She remains frozen in shock by my actions but then I feel her slowly relaxing, falling into me.
“I’m so sorry! I’m so very sorry,” she sobs into my chest.
“Shhh! I know, angel. I know.” I reply as I continue to stroke her long hair.
We stand there in the small foyer of the suite for what seems like hours just holding one another. When she releases her grip around my waist, I’m still not ready to let her go from my arms. I just want to pretend that last night never happened. I don’t want to think about losing her…especially to him.
“Lucas, we need to talk,” she says and I nod. Although revisiting the events of last night isn’t what I want to do, I know it is something that must be done.
I motion for her to sit in the sitting area of the suite. I watch her hobble over to the large window and sit on the padded bench nearby.
“What happened? Why are you walking like that?” I ask her with concern.
“I walked too far last night in my shoes and they rubbed my feet raw. I hadn’t realized I had walked so far until it was too late. I am fine, really. They are just a little sore,” she replies, as she begins wringing her hands, nervously in her lap.
I move over to where she is sitting and squat down, taking her hands into mine.
“Relax. When you are ready to talk, I am ready to listen,” I explain as I try to calm her down.
“Lucas, I…” She begins. “I don’t know what to say to you. I feel so ashamed. I hate myself for hurting you. After everything you have done for me, this is what I do to you. Being with you all these months has opened my eyes and reminded me that I have a life worth living. You’ve shown me that I have a life without Sebastian and all the pain from my past.” She says and then slowly stands and looks out the window as she continues.
“For so long, I’ve let my past define me. I know now, just how wrong I had been to do that. I thought I could just let go, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t. My past made me who I am, Lucas. It is a part of me and it will always be a part of me. Just like him. “
“Skylar, it’s…” Before I can finish speaking, she cuts me off.
; “Don’t speak, Lucas. Please! I need to say this.
“I love you, Lucas. I do. But I love Sebastian in a way I can’t explain. I worry that part of me will always love him. I fought admitting that to myself. No man deserves a woman who can’t love him back completely. What I’ve been doing…well, it’s not fair to you. God knows how badly I want to love you and forget I ever knew him, but that will never happen. “
“So this is it? You are leaving me for him?” I ask trying to mask the hurt and confusion in my voice.
“No, not exactly. I’m leaving, but I’m leaving alone. I’m going to visit Kylie in Los Angeles for a while. She has offered for me to stay with her for as long as I need. I have to get my head straight and I can’t do that and be around you every day. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, especially after everything you have done for me,” she says and then turns to face the window. She slowly traces the pane with her fingertip and then lays her head against the cool glass.
“I know you didn’t really need me here helping you all these months, Lucas. I need you to know that I would never have made it without you. I will always love you for that,” she continues and then turns to reveal the tears on her face.
“Angel, you can’t leave like this. You can’t walk out on what we have together, just because things get tough. This is when you fight.”
“I am fighting. You have no idea how much. This isn’t easy for me, Lucas. I need you to love me enough to let me do this. I came here to tell you that I am leaving. I didn’t come to ask your permission. I could have just left, but I stayed because I had to tell you this face to face. The last thing I need is you chasing after me or convincing me that I need to stay here with you. This time, you can’t fix the situation. I have to be the one and I am doing it the only way I know how.“
“Skylar, please! We just need some time! We can work through all of this! I’m not saying it is going to be easy, but we can survive this. Just tell me you will think about it. You need time and I understand that. I’ll give you all the time you need, but please just think about what you are asking from me. I love you. I fucking love you! I know you hate yourself right now, but I’m not angry with you, I forgive…”
“That is just it, Lucas. You need to be angry with me. Right now you need to despise me. You shouldn’t be able forgive me so easily for what I have done. “
“That’s bullshit and you know it!” I yell.
She turns and walks into her room. I follow closely behind her, as I continue pleading for her to stay here with me.
“What about him? Does he know where you are going?”
“No,” she weakly answers. She lifts up her suitcase on her bed and then begins packing her things. This isn’t easy for her. It is as if each handful into the bag gets harder and harder for her to do.
“Are you going to tell him that you are leaving?” I ask her.
“I don’t want anyone following me, but I know him all too well, Lucas. He will look for me if I don’t tell him,” she says as she closes her bag and lifts it from the bed.
“What about your other things?” I ask as I look at all the dresses hanging in the armoire.
“They are all expensive gowns, Lucas. Just donate them to some charity or give them to CeCe. It’s not like I am going to need them again.“ She sadly looks around the room and then back at me before turning to walk towards the door.
I am right behind her. With full force, I press my body hard behind her. Caging her in, I place my hands on both sides of her and lean in to prevent her from opening the door. I breathe in her soft hair as I lay my forehead against the back of her head. This is not over between us. She turns around to face me and leans back against the door, but she won’t look at me.
“You need to hate me right now. I need you to hate me, Lucas. You have to let me go. You’ll see that it is easier this way,” she whispers.
I move to grasp her face into my hands. She shuts her eyes tightly.
“Damn it! Look at me, Skylar!” I demand but she shakes her head. Her lashes grow wet and then her eyes squint to push back the threatening tears.
“Let me go. You’re making it worse. Just let me go,” she whispers.
I feel her body shaking as it fights to hold back the sobs. I slam my mouth onto hers and push her against the door that is behind her. When we break apart, I lean my forehead to hers. She glances up at me with pain in her startling eyes as she tries to catch the breath I just stole from her.
“I want you to understand something. I’ll never let go Skylar, because I love you and I believe this is worth fighting for. Regardless of whom you choose, I will always love you. I’m letting you go tonight because you are going to visit with Kylie. This is not goodbye. “
I kiss her lightly on the nose.
“Be safe. I will be seeing you soon,” I reply.
She swallows and then nods her head at me.
“I love you, gorgeous.”
And with that my angel walked out the door, and took my heart right along with her.
Skylar
I lay back against the cool leather seats of the car and watch as the pellets of rain trail down the back window of the car. The rainstorm has picked up and the once gentle rumbling of thunder has now grown violent and loud. I panic as the car turns into the long driveway of the country estate where I had left just hours earlier.
I know I don’t owe Sebastian an explanation, but I need him to understand that I don’t want him following me. He is a weakness that I simply cannot afford right now. Once the driver stops at the front of the house, I open up the door.
“Wait Miss! I’ll come around and get you. You will be soaked,” he shouts over the storm.
“Just wait here for me, I won’t be long.”
I bolt through the pouring rain to the front door. The large house is dark and I wonder for a moment if he is even still here. Thank heavens I asked the driver to wait for me. Even though I love these old houses, the thought of being here all alone on a stormy night would not be a wish of mine.
I rub my wet arms to warm myself as I make my way up the stairs. As I walk down the hall a loud clap of thunder seems to echo throughout the house and scaring the living shit out of me in the process.
Come on, Skylar. Get control. You need to find him and talk to him before you leave.
Every room is dark, but the dim light of the hallway lamp guides me on. He is here in this house. I can feel him. I walk to the end of hallway where I am being drawn and then just as I am convinced that I am wrong, the flash of lightning reveals he’s sitting on the floor.
I have never seen him this way before. He just sits there staring off ahead into the distance. Another flash of lightning creates a glitter across the floor of the room and reveals his handsome face sitting amongst all of its destruction. I’m scared to move. I now fully regret coming here. Just as I move back a step, his face turns in my direction. Our eyes lock and he looks at me as if he can’t figure out whether or not I am real or not. He blinks his eyes hard as if he is trying to refocus and then he frantically makes his way up off the floor and rushes to me.
“Skylar? Is that really you?” Sebastian asks in disbelief.
“Yes, it’s me.”
“You’re soaked.”
“I’m fine,” I lie through my chattering teeth.
He hurries over to the chair next to him and takes a throw off the back and then wraps it around me. He lifts my wet hair and then smiles as he hesitantly releases it. “Better?” he asks as he rubs my arms through the blanket and I nod. “You came back?” He asks me.
“I came back because I need to talk to you,” I say as I look around at the destruction. “What happened in here after I left?” I ask as he turns the lamp on in the center of the room.
“Oh, um… I decided to help my friend redecorate a bit,” he jokes, but I see through his words. It is obvious he is ashamed for me to see him like this. Sebastian never wants anyone to see him out of control, but I’ve seen it. I always loved
him more when he was vulnerable. His voice breaks me out of my thoughts.
“You are freezing. Let’s get you some dry clothes,” he offers and I shake my head.
“No, I’m fine,” I protest even though dry warm clothes are exactly what I want right now. I need to stay in these clothes to remind myself of why I have to leave.
“Skylar.” he frowns and then motions for me to follow him.
“Let’s move into the other room then where it is warmer.”
I don’t argue with him. Warm sounds really good right now.
I follow him across the hall to another sitting room where a fire is lit in the fireplace. Sebastian tosses another piece of wood into the fire and uses the metal rod nearby to manage the fire.
“What is that you need to tell me?” he asks softly before turning to face me.
“I came here to talk to you before I leave for the airport.”
“The airport? What do you mean? I thought you weren’t leaving London for at least another week.”
“First of all, I don’t want to know how you know that, but that is exactly the reason I am here. I’m no longer working for Lucas. I am flying to Los Angeles to visit with Kylie for a while. I don’t want you following me or showing up somewhere there that I am. You need to stop this. I am not yours to keep up with anymore.”
He moves closer. I tremble more at the surge of energy between us. Damn, why does he have to look so good in those jeans?
“Are you sure about that?” He whispers in my ear. I can feel my body hum to attention and my panties dampen.
Fucking hell! Get control Skylar. You can’t do this? Not again!
Thorneless (Rose of Thorne Series) Page 13