"Think what?"
"How do I know?" said Mr. Dooley. "How do I know what I think? I'm nocombi-nation iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an'sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th' bat. A manneeds to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdhertrile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogansays. A large German man is charged with puttin' his wife away into abreakfas'-dish, an' he says he didn't do it. Th' on'y question, thin, isDid or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an' rayjooceher to a quick lunch? Am I right?"
"Ye ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy.
"That's simple enough. What th' coort ought to've done was to call himup, an' say: 'Lootgert, where's ye'er good woman?' If Lootgert cudden'ttell, he ought to be hanged on gin'ral principles; f'r a man must keephis wife around th' house, an' whin she isn't there, it shows he's apoor provider. But, if Lootgert says, 'I don't know where me wife is,'the coort shud say: 'Go out, an' find her. If ye can't projooce her in aweek, I'll fix ye.' An' let that be th' end iv it.
"But what do they do? They get Lootgert into coort an' stand him upbefure a gang iv young rayporthers an' th' likes iv thim to makepitchers iv him. Thin they summon a jury composed iv poor, tired, sleepyexpressmen an' tailors an' clerks. Thin they call in a profissor from acolledge. 'Profissor,' says th' lawyer f'r the State, 'I put it to ye ifa wooden vat three hundherd an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep,an' sivinty-five feet wide, an' if three hundherd pounds iv caustic sodaboiled, an' if the leg iv a ginea pig, an' ye said yesterdah aboutbicarbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an' washes over, an' th' slimy,slippery stuff, an' if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or a jawbone or agoluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine inches--that is, twoinches this way an' five gallons that?' 'I agree with ye intirely,' saysth' profissor, 'I made lab'ratory experiments in an' ir'n basin, withbichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an' coal tar, which Iwill call ir'n filings. I mixed th' two over a hot fire, an' left in acool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, which I will call glue,an' rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an' obtained a dark, queersolution that is a cure f'r freckles, which I will call antimony ordoughnuts or annything I blamed please.'
"'But,' says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas,--an'I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test,--an' supposin'that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that athick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' youmay, takin' into account th' measuremints,--twelve be eight,--th' vatbein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th'green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage?' 'Inth' winter,' says th' profissor. 'But th' sisymoid bone is sometimesseen in th' fut, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoidbones, which I will call poker dice, an' shook thim together in acylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I willcall gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough-on-rats, which I rayfuse tocall; but th' raysult is th' same.' Question be th' coort: 'Different?'Answer: 'Yis.' Th' coort: 'Th' same.' Be Misther McEwen: 'Whose bones?'Answer: 'Yis.' Be Misther Vincent: 'Will ye go to th' divvle?' Answer:'It dissolves th' hair.'
"Now what I want to know is where th' jury gets off. What has thatcollection iv pure-minded pathrites to larn fr'm this here politediscussion, where no wan is so crool as to ask what anny wan else means?Thank th' Lord, whin th' case is all over, the jury'll pitch th'tistimony out iv th' window, an' consider three questions: 'Did Lootgertlook as though he'd kill his wife? Did his wife look as though she oughtto be kilt? Isn't it time we wint to supper?' An', howiver they answer,they'll be right, an' it'll make little diff'rence wan way or th' other.Th' German vote is too large an' ignorant, annyhow."
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY
BY JOHN PHOENIX
_Introductory_
The following pages were originally prepared in the form of a course ofLectures to be delivered before the Lowell Institute, of Boston, Mass.,but, owing to the unexpected circumstance of the author's receiving noinvitation to lecture before that institution, they were laid asideshortly after their completion.
Receiving an invitation from the trustees of the Vallecetos Literary andScientific Institute, during the present summer, to deliver a course ofLectures on any popular subject, the author withdrew his manuscript fromthe dusty shelf on which it had long lain neglected, and, havingsomewhat revised and enlarged it, to suit the capacity of the eminentscholars before whom it was to be displayed, repaired to Vallecetos.But, on arriving at that place, he learned with deep regret, that theonly inhabitant had left a few days previous, having availed himself ofthe opportunity presented by a passing emigrant's horse,--and that, inconsequence, the opening of the Institute was indefinitely postponed.Under these circumstances, and yielding with reluctance to the earnestsolicitations of many eminent scientific friends, he has been induced toplace the Lectures before the public in their present form. Should theymeet with that success which his sanguine friends prognosticate, theauthor may be induced subsequently to publish them in the form of atext-book, for the use of the higher schools and universities; it beinghis greatest ambition to render himself useful in his day and generationby widely disseminating the information he has acquired among those who,less fortunate, are yet willing to receive instruction.
JOHN PHOENIX.SAN DIEGO OBSERVATORY, September 1, 1854.
* * * * *
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY--PART I
CHAPTER I
The term Astronomy is derived from two Latin words,--_Astra_, a star,and _onomy_, a science; and literally means the science of the stars."It is a science," to quote our friend Dick (who was no relation at allof Big Dick, though the latter occasionally caused individuals to seestars), "which has, in all ages, engaged the attention of the poet, thephilosopher, and the divine, and been the subject of their study andadmiration."
By the wondrous discoveries of the improved telescopes of modern times,we ascertain that upward of several hundred millions of stars exist,that are invisible to the naked eye--the nearest of which is millions ofmillions of miles from the Earth; and as we have every reason to supposethat every one of this inconceivable number of worlds is peopled likeour own, a consideration of this fact--and that we are undoubtedly assuperior to these beings as we are to the rest of mankind--is calculatedto fill the mind of the American with a due sense of his own importancein the scale of animated creation.
It is supposed that each of the stars we see in the Heavens in acloudless night is a sun shining upon its own curvilinear, with light ofits own manufacture; and as it would be absurd to suppose its light andheat were made to be diffused for nothing, it is presumed farther, thateach sun, like an old hen, is provided with a parcel of little chickens,in the way of planets, which, shining but feebly by its reflected light,are to us invisible. To this opinion we are led, also, by reasoning fromanalogy, on considering our own Solar System.
THE SOLAR SYSTEM is so called, not because we believe it to be the solesystem of the kind in existence, but from its principal body, the Sun,the Latin name of which is _Sol_. (Thus we read of Sol Smith, literallymeaning the _son_ of Old Smith.) On a close examination of the Heavenswe perceive numerous brilliant stars which shine with a steady light(differing from those which surround them, which are always twinklinglike a dewdrop on a cucumber-vine), and which, moreover, do not preserveconstantly the same relative distance from the stars near which they arefirst discovered. These are the planets of the SOLAR SYSTEM, which haveno light of their own--of which the Earth, on which we reside, isone--which shine by light reflected from the Sun--and which regularlymove around that body at different intervals of time and throughdifferent ranges in space. Up to the time of a gentleman namedCopernicus, who flourished about the middle of the Fifteenth Century, itwas supposed by our stupid ancestors that the Earth was the center ofall creation, being a large, flat body resting on a rock which rested onanother rock, and so on "all the way down"; and that t
he Sun, planetsand immovable stars all revolved about it once in twenty-four hours.
This reminds us of the simplicity of a child we once saw in arailroad-car, who fancied itself perfectly stationary, and thought thefences, houses and fields were tearing past it at the rate of thirtymiles an hour;--and poking out its head, to see where on earth they wentto, had its hat--a very nice one with pink ribbons--knocked off andirrecoverably lost. But Copernicus (who was a son of Daniel Pernicus, ofthe firm of Pernicus & Co., wool-dealers, and who was named Co.Pernicus, out of respect to his father's partners) soon set this matterto rights, and started the idea of the present Solar System, which,greatly improved since his day, is occasionally called the Copernicansystem. By this system we learn that the Sun is stationed at one _focus_(not hocus, as it is rendered, without authority by the philosopherPartington) of an ellipse, where it slowly grinds on for ever about itsown axis, while the planets, turning about their axes, revolve inelliptical orbits of various dimensions and different planes ofinclination around it.
The demonstration of this system in all its perfection was left to IsaacNewton, an English Philosopher, who, seeing an apple tumble down from atree, was led to think thereon with such gravity, that he finallydiscovered the attraction of gravitation, which proved to be the greatlaw of Nature that keeps everything in its place. Thus we see that asan apple originally brought sin and ignorance into the world, the samefruit proved thereafter the cause of vast knowledge andenlightenment;--and indeed we may doubt whether any other fruit but anapple, and a sour one at that, would have produced these greatresults;--for, had the fallen fruit been a pear, an orange, or a peach,there is little doubt that Newton would have eaten it up and thought nomore on the subject.
As in this world you will hardly ever find a man so small but that hehas someone else smaller than he, to look up to and revolve around him,so in the Solar System we find that the majority of the planets have oneor more smaller planets revolving about them. These small bodies aretermed secondaries, moons or satellites--the planets themselves beingcalled primaries.
We know at present of eighteen primaries, viz.: Mercury, Venus, theEarth, Mars, Flora, Vesta, Iris, Metis, Hebe, Astrea, Juno, Ceres,Pallas, Hygeia, Jupiter, Saturn, Herschel, Neptune, and another, yetunnamed. There are distributed among these, nineteen secondaries, all ofwhich, except our Moon, are invisible to the naked eye.
We shall now proceed to consider, separately, the different bodiescomposing the Solar System, and to make known what little information,comparatively speaking, science has collected regarding them. And, firstin order, as in place, we come to
THE SUN
This glorious orb may be seen almost any clear day, by looking intentlyin its direction, through a piece of smoked glass. Through this mediumit appears about the size of a large orange, and of much the same color.It is, however, somewhat larger, being in fact 887,000 miles indiameter, and containing a volume of matter equal to fourteen hundredthousand globes of the size of the Earth, which is certainly a matter ofno small importance. Through the telescope it appears like an enormousglobe of fire, with many spots upon its surface, which, unlike those ofthe leopard, are continually changing. These spots were first discoveredby a gentleman named Galileo, in the year 1611. Though the Sun isusually termed and considered the luminary of day, it may not beuninteresting to our readers to know that it certainly has been seen inthe night. A scientific friend of ours from New England (Mr. R.W.Emerson) while traveling through the northern part of Norway, with acargo of tinware, on the 21st of June, 1836, distinctly saw the Sun inall its majesty, shining at midnight!--in fact, shining _all_ night!Emerson is not what you would call a superstitious man, by anymeans--but, he left! Since that time many persons have observed itsnocturnal appearance in that part of the country, at the same time ofthe year. This phenomenon has never been witnessed in the latitude ofSan Diego, however, and it is very improbable that it ever will be.Sacred history informs us that a distinguished military man, namedJoshua, once caused the Sun to "stand still"; how he did it, is notmentioned. There can, of course, be no doubt of the fact, that hearrested its progress, and possibly caused it to "stand _still_";--buttranslators are not always perfectly accurate, and we are inclined tothe opinion that it might have wiggled a very little, when Joshua wasnot looking directly at it. The statement, however, does not appear sovery incredible, when we reflect that seafaring men are in the habit ofactually _bringing the Sun down_ to the horizon every day at 12Meridian. This they effect by means of a tool made of brass, glass, andsilver, called a sextant. The composition of the Sun has long been amatter of dispute.
By close and accurate observation with an excellent opera-glass we havearrived at the conclusion that its entire surface is covered with waterto a very great depth; which water, being composed by a process known atpresent only to the Creator of the Universe and Mr. Paine, of Worcester,Massachusetts, generates carburetted hydrogen gas, which, beinginflamed, surrounds the entire body with an ocean of fire, from whichwe, and the other planets, receive our light and heat. The spots uponits surface are glimpses of water, obtained through the fire; and wecall the attention of our old friend and former schoolmate, Mr. Agassiz,to this fact; as by closely observing one of these spots with a strongrefracting telescope he may discover a new species of fish, with littlefishes inside of them. It is possible that the Sun may burn out after awhile, which would leave this world in a state of darkness quiteuncomfortable to contemplate; but even under these circumstances it ispleasant to reflect that courting and love-making would probablyincrease to an indefinite extent, and that many persons would make largefortunes by the sudden rise in value of coal, wood, candles, and gas,which would go to illustrate the truth of the old proverb, "It's an illwind that blows nobody any good."
Upon the whole, the Sun is a glorious creation; pleasing to gaze upon(through smoked glass), elevating to think upon, and exceedinglycomfortable to every created being on a cold day; it is the largest, thebrightest, and may be considered by far the most magnificent object inthe celestial sphere; though with all these attributes it must beconfessed that it is occasionally entirely eclipsed by the moon.
CHAPTER II
We shall now proceed to the consideration of the several planets.
MERCURY
This planet, with the exception of the asteroids, is the smallest of thesystem. It is the nearest to the Sun, and, in consequence, can not beseen (on account of the Sun's superior light), except at its greatesteastern and western elongations, which occur in March and April, Augustand September, when it may be seen for a short time immediately aftersunset and shortly before sunrise. It then appears like a star of thefirst magnitude, having a white twinkling light, and resembling somewhatthe star Regulus in the constellation Leo. The day in Mercury is aboutten minutes longer than ours, its year is about equal to three of ourmonths. It receives six and a half times as much heat from the Sun as wedo; from which we conclude that the climate must be very similar to thatof Fort Yuma, on the Colorado River. The difficulty of communicationwith Mercury will probably prevent its ever being selected as a militarypost; though it possesses many advantages for that purpose, beingextremely inaccessible, inconvenient, and, doubtless, singularlyuncomfortable. It receives its name from the God, Mercury, in theHeathen Mythology, who is the patron and tutelary Divinity of San DiegoCounty.
VENUS
This beautiful planet may be seen either a little after sunset orshortly before sunrise, according as it becomes the morning or theevening star, but never departing quite forty-eight degrees from theSun. Its day is about twenty-five minutes shorter than ours; its yearseven and a half months or thirty-two weeks. The diameter of Venus is7,700 miles, and she receives from the Sun thrice as much light and heatas the Earth.
An old Dutchman named Schroeter spent more than ten years inobservations on this planet, and finally discovered a mountain on ittwenty-two miles in height, but he never could discover anything on themountain, not even a mouse, and finally died about as wise as when
hecommenced his studies.
Venus, in Mythology, was a Goddess of singular beauty, who became thewife of Vulcan, the blacksmith, and, we regret to add, behaved in themost immoral manner after her marriage. The celebrated case of Vulcan_vs._ Mars, and the consequent scandal, is probably still fresh in theminds of our readers. By a large portion of society, however, she wasconsidered an ill-used and persecuted lady, against whose high tone ofmorals and strictly virtuous conduct not a shadow of suspicion could becast; Vulcan, by the same parties, was considered a horrid brute, andthey all agreed that it served him right when he lost his case and hadto pay the costs of court. Venus still remains the Goddess of Beauty,and not a few of her _proteges_ may be found in California.
THE EARTH
The Earth, or as the Latins called it, Tellus (from which originated theexpression, "Do tell us"), is the third planet in the Solar System, andthe one on which we subsist, with all our important joys and sorrows.The San Diego Herald is published weekly on this planet, for fivedollars per annum, payable invariably in advance. As the Earth is by nomeans the most important planet in the system, there is no reason tosuppose that it is particularly distinguished from the others by beinginhabited. It is reasonable, therefore, to conclude that all the otherplanets of the system are filled with living, moving and sentientbeings; and as some of them are superior to the Earth in size andposition, it is not improbable that their inhabitants may be superior tous in physical and mental organization.
But if this were a demonstrable fact, instead of a mere hypothesis, itwould be found a very difficult matter to persuade us of its truth. Tothe inhabitants of Venus the Earth appears like a brilliant star--verymuch, in fact, as Venus appears to us; and, reasoning from analogy, weare led to believe that the election of Mr. Pierce, the European war, orthe split in the great Democratic party produced but very littleexcitement among them.
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume V. (of X.) Page 4