I spend the rest of my weekend filling out paperwork on my kids and making sure all my home visit sheets are done. I barely have time to make it to the gym. I do go late Sunday night because I know I won’t see Trent since he has road games this week. I’m grateful. I’m even trying to decide if I need to change gyms, but I hate to do that since this is close to where I live. No, I’m going to keep my routine as I always do and avoid Trent at all costs. I can do it. I never noticed him before the trial and I can do it again. It’s not going to be hard at all.
A call from Dominic’s attorney brings my entire Monday afternoon to an abrupt halt. He wants me to speak on Dominic’s behalf before he’s sentenced. Good Lord. I close my eyes and think about Trent and his daughter. I don’t think I can do this. In fact, I know I can’t do this. However, he’s still my half-brother. I cave and say I will, but I don’t know what I will say. I have three months to figure it out though. I can do it.
After I hang up with the lawyer, I rush to the gym to run off all my emotions. I can’t think about any of it right now. I’m trying to focus on me and I’ve been doing well—for a few days at least.
The ten miles go too quickly, but my legs are telling me it’s enough. When I get home, I answer the few texts from Nathaniel who tells me about his day. He’s in the insurance field; I can’t imagine how stressful it could be, but apparently it is. He wants to see me again, but I tell him I’ll have to check my schedule. I like him. He’s a nice guy, but I’m not sure just yet.
I’ve tried to sleep in my bed the past couple of nights, but it’s been unsuccessful. I’ll give it another go, but when my head hits the pillow, I know it’ll be a restless night.
The week seems to fly by faster than I want and another weekend is upon me. Of course, I have no plans. Nathaniel’s boss sent him to some insurance convention because the boss couldn’t go. I’m thankful for the weekend, so I can rest. I even have an appointment for a spa day for myself. I never treat myself to days like that, but I am now.
When I hop off the treadmill, I grab my towel and pat my face. I’m not paying attention until I run into something hard.
I gasp when I drop the towel. “Trent.”
Why can’t he and I quit running into each other?
“Sorry I thought you heard me.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t hear you. Are you okay?”
“I’m good. I thought we could go to the juice bar.”
No! My head screams at me. I’m trying to avoid him with all my being and now he’s asking me to the juice bar. I stand there, staring into his eyes, and I’m not sure what to do. Say no! My head is still screaming at me. But it’s not like it’s a date or anything. It’s a juice bar.
“Sure,” I answer and I’m mentally kicking myself. This is such a mistake.
We walk to the juice bar and we both order fruit protein drinks. Trent pays for it before I can even protest. We find a table near the back. Even though there’s hardly anyone here, we’re the farthest away from the counter and doors.
“So, how were the road games?” I sip on the drink.
“Good. We played well and won most of them. How’s your job going?”
“It’s okay. I had a rough day yesterday. Police called us to a home and we had to take the kids, but I got them in somewhere good. I hope it works out for them.” I can still hear the kids crying and screaming in the back of the SUV as I took them away from the only home they’d known.
“Me too. I don’t think I could do your job.”
“I like helping the kids. It’s hard and heartbreaking, but in the end, it’s great to see a smile on a kid’s face. The good days outweigh the bad.” It’s the truth. I love my job and how I can help people. “How’s your daughter? She’s beautiful, by the way. She looked really happy in the ice cream parlor.”
For the first time, he really smiles. “She looks like my wife, thankfully. She’s doing okay. She has bad days, too, so I’m just happy I can take her out and let her spend my money.”
“I think that’s what fathers are meant to do. I wouldn’t know from personal experience, but it’s what I hear.” I stop talking before I say anymore. “She looked like she was very happy. I think it’s amazing how you two are holding up.” I try to hide my sad tone, but it’s hard.
“We’re doing our best, I guess. Kaelyn keeps me going.” He takes a deep breath, like he’s trying to control his emotions. “Is that why you’re a social worker? You didn’t have good parents growing up?”
“No. Well, I have no clue who my father is, and my mother...” I shift in my chair. It still bothers me to tell people about her. “She was a drug addict.” I’m not sure if I should say anything about Dominic. “I have a younger half-brother, but...he’s in jail too. So, it’s just me,” I tell him, watching his face to see his reaction.
“Wow, that must’ve been hard. Where’s your mom now?”
“She died a few years back; the drugs took her. I tried my best, but I quit talking to her after I graduated college. I always hoped she would find help, but she didn’t.”
“Sorry to hear that. Sometimes, there’s just no helping people.”
“I tried with her and my brother, but...” I shrug as if it explains itself and I don’t go into further details. “Sorry, this shouldn’t be so sad. Tell me something good. One thing happy and upbeat.” I try to sound peppy. At least the best I can be.
“Well, let’s see. Kaelyn and I did some painting and she told me my tree looked great. That count? I’m pretty sure she was being nice, but it made me laugh, so, there’s that.”
“From my experiences, kids don’t lie a lot. She seems great.” I smile at the thought of them painting together.
“She is. What’s your something good and happy?” He sips his drink, though I don’t think he likes it because he’s not drinking very much of it.
“Good Lord,” I giggle. “I don’t think anything good has happened to me in a long time.” A very long time.
“It doesn’t have to be something major. Most of the time, it’s the small things that can turn a bad day to a good one. There has to be something.”
“Then I would say adoption day makes me happy. Seeing them happy is the most rewarding thing.” My heart warms thinking of the kids I’ve seen get adopted.
“I bet so. And see, something good happens in your life every adoption day.”
“True. So, how did you fall in love with baseball?”
“My dad signed me up. He coached the local high school team and he would help with the recreational teams. Once I started playing, I never wanted to stop. I just love everything about it. Pretty boring story about how I started, huh?” He smirks.
“No. It’s great. You are very good at it so I’ve heard; I’m not a sports fan.”
“Have you ever watched a game before? Of any sport, I mean? Usually people either need a general interest or someone to introduce them to a sport before they become a fan.”
“No, I’ve never seen a game. Not a full game, anyway. I’ve seen highlights on the evening news though.”
“Then how do you know you’re not a fan?”
I giggle. “Good point, but I’m sure it’s hard to follow.”
He laughs and it makes me smile to hear him let go a bit. “Some sports might take a learning curve to follow, but I don’t think baseball is one of them. I think you should find a sport to become a fan of. Then when your team wins a game that can be your something good and happy. I, of course, would be biased and say it should be baseball.”
I almost snort at laughing so hard. “I’m sure you would push me into baseball.” Once I compose myself, I say, “Maybe I’ll convince Macy to watch a game with me. She’s a big basketball fan.”
“She doesn’t try to make you watch basketball? I just think you should give a sport a try,” he pushes me a bit harder.
“Oh, she tries all the time to make me watch it. I’ll see. Besides painting with Kaelyn, do you have any other hobbies?” Why am I asking hi
m all of these questions? I shouldn’t be getting to know him. I need to leave and do it soon.
“Almost all of my free time is spent with her, but my wife and I made a hobby out of going to wine and beer tastings. I used to work on old cars and fix them up, too.”
Good Lord, can he sound anymore perfect?
“I think my only hobby is running. I love to run because it clears my head. I’m quite boring.” I shyly turn away. I sound almost pathetic.
“Not at all. Do you run in any marathons or anything like that? You could do well in those, I bet.”
“I used to run them, but this past year, with my brother, I didn’t get a chance too. Now that he’s in jail, I’ll have more time.”
Tell him! My conscience screams at me. Don’t let him find out from anyone else. I know he will eventually find out who I am. If not from me, then he’ll know at the sentencing. I can’t do this to him. I can’t do it to me. I go to open my mouth, but he starts talking again.
“You tried to help before he got locked up? Do you think jail will be good for him? That’s supposed to help change some people around, so they say.”
“I tried everything. I even offered to pay for treatment, but he kept saying no.” I pause because I need to tell him the truth. “It’s my fault he’s there. I should have pushed harder, but I kept giving him money and hoped he would come around. Now, he’s never getting out of jail. I take a small bit of responsibility for it. I could've tried harder to help him.”
“People don’t change unless they want to, not because someone tried to change them and made it work. We all have the ability to make choices, and it’s not your fault he made bad ones. Really bad ones if he’s never getting out.”
“It was really bad.” Because he killed your wife. “I’m all done here and I have a lot planned for tomorrow. It was great talking to you, Trent, but I’m going to head home.” I have to get away from him. I stand, tossing my empty drink into the nearby trashcan.
“It was good talking to you, too. It’s been refreshing to talk to someone aside from a five year old, my grandmother, and my teammates, so thanks for that. Have a good night, Scarlett,” he says as we reach the doors, about to go our separate ways.
“You too.” I’m about to leave him, but I stop. He will figure out who I am, but maybe I can help him a bit too. I’ll deal with the consequences later. “If you ever need someone to talk to, I wouldn’t mind it. I know what it’s like to have everyone around you, but no one to listen. It sounds crazy, but I get it.” I rush away from him before I make any more mistakes.
***
WE'VE BEEN ON the road for what feels like forever. Any stretch of games where we're gone more than a few days didn’t used to bother me too much. I still talked to Kaelyn at least twice a day. But before, she was at home with her mother. Now, I can't help feeling a little guilt whenever we go on any road game. I have to keep reminding myself that this is my job. I make good money, which will take care of Kaelyn.
We're at a team dinner and I'm stuck between Blake and Tanner. I have to admit, Blake has surprised me the most. During the offseason, I think Hector, the good guy that he is, wanted to get me out of the house. He invited Kaelyn and me to dinner at his and Zoey's house. When I arrived after almost canceling, Blake and Sofia were there as well. That night hit hard.
Seeing the two couples, I remember glancing down at my daughter. I wouldn't be going anywhere again as part of a couple. I didn't have too much time to wallow because Kaelyn immediately left my side for the board games Hector apparently bought. It was a good night. We ate dinner and played games with Kaelyn. I didn't realize how much we both needed it until afterward.
Kaelyn has been in love with Blake ever since. She nearly fell over with laughter when Hector called Blake Grumpy. She didn't agree with it either. Ever since, she's called Blake “my Happy” because from what she has seen, he was always smiling and happy.
“How's Kaelyn doing?” Blake asks, distracting me from my trip down memory lane. He asks about her every single time he sees me. Hell, he asks about her more than he asks about me. Never would I have guessed that the team's Grumpy would be friends with my daughter.
“Speak of the kid,” I say as my phone rings. He chuckles and I answer. “How's my girl?”
“When are you coming home, Daddy?” Uh, oh. Not again. She's been asking me every time she calls for the past two days. I don't like her whiny voice because it makes me want to go home right away.
“Two more days, on Monday.”
“Will you be able to take me to school?”
“No, but I'm picking you up.”
She sighs. “Can we get ice cream then?”
“Yeah.” Blake pokes me and waves his hand. “Happy says hey.”
Kaelyn squeals. “Let me talk to my Happy, Daddy.”
“Yes, ma'am.” I hand him the phone.
I've only seen Blake smile like he is right now whenever he speaks of Sofia or those rare moments he'll bring up his mother. He laughs and keeps agreeing with whatever she's saying. He asks her about school and what's she's been doing without her dad around to take her shopping. He talks to her longer than I have today before he hands me the phone. The call has already ended and I frown. She didn't even tell me bye or goodnight or I love you.
“Sorry,” Blake says noticing my expression. “I didn't think she was hanging up.”
“It's okay.”
“If it's okay with you, I told her I would go with you to pick her up from school when she asked. And we can go to my house for dinner. I know Sofia would love to see Kaelyn again.” I open my mouth to tell him he doesn't have to invite us over when he interrupts me. “If you're thinking about saying no, Kaelyn is the one who asked if y'all could have dinner with us. Do you really what to tell your kid she can't have dinner with her Happy?” He smirks.
I laugh, unsure of how I feel about the fact that the only reason I'm being invited over is because my daughter is really the one being invited. “Yeah, okay. That sounds great. Thanks.” After taking a sip of my drink, I say, “You're really good with her. She loves you, too.”
He tries not to smile. “Thanks. I'm a bit impressed with myself about it. I guess it's good that I'm good with kids.” He seems to be thinking about something, looking slightly nervous all of a sudden.
Hector, who is on the other side of Blake, blurts out at the exact moment there's a lull in conversation at our table. “Is Sof pregnant or something?”
Blake glances over at him, and I'd bet my life that he's glaring one of his famous Grumpy scowls. “No,” he grits a bit too forcefully.
Hector analyzes him for a moment before conversation resumes. We talk about nothing important as we finish our meal. All I can think about is what if Kaelyn ever wants a little brother or sister? What if I want to give her one? My stomach churns. I'd have to fall in love with someone else. Is that even possible? Could I look at another woman like I looked at Deborah?
I don't know, and I'm definitely not ready to think about it yet.
We all have different routines for game days. Some of us superstitious, either with items, routines, or, in the case of our pitcher, Felix Hernandez, people. His lucky charm is his girlfriend. Then, there’s another batch of guys, who are more laid back. I like to think I fall into that category. Don’t get me wrong. I like having a routine, but I don’t mind switching things up, moving things around, or adjusting when I need to.
On game days, I come in early. I’ll watch tapes, lift weights, maybe go into the batting cage, or any number of things. Sometimes, I’ll visit Sofia Gardner, our massage therapist, to get her to work out a kink in my muscles or simply to loosen me up. Sometimes, I’ll play a game on my phone. It helps zone me out and clear my head. And then, of course, is the pre-game meal. Well, I like to snack more than eat a full meal.
Before Deborah died, I never had trouble checking out from reality during the game. Whatever was going on in my personal life could always be placed carefully in a box and store
d elsewhere before a game. My mind would be clear and focused on my tasks on the field. Maybe it’s because my life is more complex now, being a single father, a widow, the person solely responsible for all aspects of my life and my daughters, but it can be difficult to shut those parts of my brain off.
My mind keeps replaying my sweet daughter’s whiney voice as she asked when I would be home. How she talked to Blake and then didn’t care if she got to talk to me again or not. How she’s left in the care of someone other than her mother while I’m gone.
Damn it, I miss her and my wife.
There’s no way around it today. There’s no way to place it into a box and think about it later.
“Is there something on that wall I’m not seeing?” Jordan Johnson, our shortstop, asks as he takes a seat next to me. “You’re staring at it pretty hard.”
“Just thinking.”
He laughs. “Thinking won’t get you anywhere. Let’s go lift some weights; Colby went off to help Tanner with something.” He stands and looks back at me, waiting for me to follow.
I don’t have a good reason not to and doing something is better than nothing on days like these. I stand and follow him, thankful for him saving me from my own head.
Blake and I are standing just outside the main office in Kaelyn's school. We got back earlier than I thought and he suggested we surprise her by picking her up early. She appears in the hallway with the lady who went to walk her here.
“Happy!” Kaelyn takes off running, right into Blake's arms.
Not going to lie, that hurt. She kept asking me when I would be home because she missed her daddy and she runs to Blake instead of me? I push it away and smile as she hugs him tightly around the neck as he picks her up.
“Hey, kiddo. Are you surprised?” he asks her.
She nods. “Very.”
“You can thank your dad. It was his idea,” he lies.
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