“You don’t sound like a jackass. You sound like someone who’s always had to deal with a lot. What about your friend from the gallery? She’s understands, right? Surely, you have someone in your life who won’t judge or punish you for the actions of your family.”
“Macy is the exception. She came into my life when I needed her. She knows about my brother and has never judged me because of him. She’s a good person. If I learned anything in my life, it’s the fact you know when you’ve had enough and when to move on. I think you’ll know too. It doesn’t matter what anyone else around you says, you will know what is best for you and Kaelyn.” I smile.
“I’m glad one of us is sure about that.” He returns with a small smile. “Kaelyn tells me when I’m doing a good job though.”
“I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times until you’re sick of it, but it does get better. I mean, the memory and the pain of losing someone never goes away, but each day is a little easier. And you have Kaelyn and she’s the best part of your life. She’s going to be the first you to tell you the truth and you should listen to her. I know she’s only five, but you would be amazed by some of the five year olds I see. You’re doing great, Trent.”
“Thanks, Scarlett.” His phone rings. When he looks at the display a real smile appears. “Sorry.” He motions at me before he answers. “Hello.” He glances at his watch. “I’m sorry, Kaelyn. I’m on my way home right now.” There's a small pause. "Um, twenty minutes or so. Ask Granny to read you a story until I get there, okay? All right, bye. I love you too.” He ends the call and looks up at me. “Sorry. I’m late tucking her in and she’s not very happy about it.” He softly chuckles after getting an ear full from his daughter.
“It’s perfectly fine. I have to thank you, Trent, for tonight. It wasn’t a bad as I thought it would be.” It had been great to have this time with him before he figures out he'll never want to be around me again.
“I should be thanking you and your friend for dragging you. It did turn out better than I expected. I’ll see you around.”
***
I KISS KAELYN’S temple, fussing with her sheets one more time before leaving her room. She must have been tired because it didn’t take her long to fall asleep once I got here. When I make it to the kitchen, Granny is putting dishes in the dishwasher.
“I can do it,” I tell her. “I feel like you clean my house more than I do.”
“I do,” she answers, stepping away and letting me take over. “How come you were late? I figured you would high-tail it back here as soon as you could.”
My movements falter for a moment. “I had coffee with a friend. The event was really nice and Zoey is as amazing as Hector makes her out to be.”
“A friend? One of the guys?”
“Ah, no. A girl I met at the gym. Her name is Scarlett.”
“A girl? Well, I think it’s nice you met someone. Are y’all just friends or are we talking about something else here?”
I stop and stare at her. “Just friends. We talk, that’s all there is to it.”
“Trent, don’t get defensive; I mean no harm. I’m just an old nosey woman. However, I’m happy for you. You can’t keep yourself locked up here. You need to mingle with people, get yourself back into the real world. You spent the entire offseason here in the house. Fresh air will do you some good.”
“I’m not defensive, Granny.” She gives me a pointed look as if I just proved her point. “I spent the offseason with my daughter. If I need to mingle with people in the real world, which you may have a point about, then I think it’s time you start dating again.” Two can play whatever game she’s starting here. “It’s been years since he died. You need to get back to fishing for a good fish.”
Granny laughs. “Are you kidding me, Trent? I was married to Gramps for over fifty years. I’m in my seventies. The fish in my part of the sea are in wheelchairs or on a golf course. As much as I loved Gramps, we spent our lives together. You’re so young and have a young child. Our situations are much different, but when the time is right, you will enjoy the fresh air.”
“Just because I’m young and you’re old doesn’t mean you don’t deserve the love of another person. Think about it. If he’s in a wheelchair, I bet you could borrow one and race him down the hallway. Kaelyn would love to try and beat y’all on foot. And what’s wrong with golf? Gramps played every now and then.”
“I swear, sometimes I think you should have been a politician. You argue until someone sees your point of view.” Granny shakes her head. “I know what you’re saying, but hear me too. I want you to be happy. I don’t want to see my grandson bury himself into some deep, dark hole that no one can save him from. I love you and I can’t bear to see you in pain.”
“My wife was murdered, Granny. What else is there but pain?” I sigh and take a deep breath. “You don’t have to worry about any dark hole. I can’t take care of Kaelyn if I do that to myself. I hear you; I just don’t want to.”
“Okay. You’re right, Trent. Please remember I’m here for you in whatever you need. I don’t know the pain you’re in because I’ve never been in your situation, but I loved Deborah so much. You and Kaelyn are my world now, and I love you.”
“I love you too, Granny. I’m glad you’re here. I know I don’t say it enough, but thank you for helping me take care of her.”
“You never have to thank me. I’m here for you both. Always.”
After practice, we have a photo shoot. There was apparently an issue with those we did before the season started and we’re having to redo most of them. Colby, our shortstop and one of the older guys on the team, is currently getting his done.
“Smile, you old geezer,” Hector laughs, causing a few of us to laugh as well.
Colby narrows his gaze. “I’m not old.”
The photographer sends us his own glare, so we leave Colby alone for now. I can vaguely hear Hector saying something to Blake about marriage and Jordan pipes up.
“Don’t do it,” he says. “Everything is all fine and good, then you get married, and soon, you’re separating for whatever reason.” I know he’s been married and separated, but he never really talks about his wife, nor does he ever sound bitter about it, despite his advice. His tone lacks the conviction.
“You don’t mean that,” I say before I think about it. If he truly thought marriage was a bad idea, then he would make his argument more convincing. Plus, I’m pretty sure he wears his wedding ring on the silver chain around his neck. No man who has given up on love and wants nothing to do with it still wears his wedding ring.
He shrugs. “Maybe.”
I glance down at my own wedding ring and Granny’s advice about mingling with the fresh air runs through my mind. Eventually, the ring will have to come off, right? Isn’t it too soon to be even thinking about this? What does it say about my marriage with Deborah that I’m already wondering if it’s time to take it off?
Huffing, I try to block out my own thoughts. It’s starting to sour my mood. Part of me wishes I hadn’t deflected as much as I had with Granny. She would have been a good person to get advice from, but I can’t go back to her about this without her looking at least a little smug.
Colby finishes up and then it’s my turn. I listen to the guys talking, still about marriage.
“Have you ever been married, Colby?” Hector asks.
“Nope,” he answers.
“I don’t care about marriage,” Tanner inputs, causing a few to chuckle.
“That’s because you’re the youngest and you’re probably hoping Blake will mess up so you can date the girl with the hands of a God,” Roman adds, laughing.
Tanner still goes on and on about Sofia’s hands. He probably sees her more than he has to. Blake pointedly ignores them.
“C’mon, you have to admit she’s amazing,” Tanner says. “Those hands,” he makes a small groan, “I’d give up both arms to have them on my body full time.”
“One more word about Sofia and you’ll r
egret it,” Blake glares at him.
Tanner holds up his hands, surrendering. “I can’t help it. Hands—”
“Of a God, we know,” Blake, Hector, Felix, Spencer, and Roman finish for him simultaneously.
Laughter breaks out. Serious or semi-serious topics are officially done as the guys take turn poking fun at some of the things Tanner does and says. Once I’m finished, I’m free to go. I promised Kaelyn I would fix her favorite dinner tonight, so I head straight to the gym. If I go now, it’ll give me plenty of time to work out and make it home just when I need to start dinner.
One would think that I get enough of a workout with the team, but I like coming here and doing whatever I feel like. I come to this gym instead of going where the team works out because I can relax more and be somewhere other than work. This is more like clear my head time than working out for my job time. At least, it feels that way. Today, I think I’m going for the treadmill.
I catch sight of familiar blonde hair in a ponytail. Okay, so I noticed the hair and the mirror in front of the line of treadmills helped me declare it familiar. I cross over and take the empty one next to Scarlett.
“Hey,” I say, our eyes meeting in the mirror as I start the machine.
“Hey,” she breathes with a smile.
“Working hard today, aren’t you?” I ask. She’s running pretty fast. I start at a decent pace for now. She nods. “You know, if you can’t run and carry on a conversation, supposedly, you’re running too fast.”
She presses the button to slow her down. “Is that your way of saying you want to talk to me?”
Her chest is heaving with her labored breathing and I feel bad for even noticing. She raises an eyebrow at me over questioning green eyes and I reach over and bump her pace back up.
“Not yet.” I increase my own speed until it’s at my usual high, which happens to be higher than Scarlett’s.
I hear her laugh and mutter about me being a show-off. Shaking my head, I try not to smile. That wasn’t my intention, but it’s not a bad coincidence. We run for a bit, our steps in sync with one another, until Scarlett copies me by reaching over to slow me down and then doing the same to her own machine.
“That’s it. I’m done,” she explains. Her hands rest on her hips while we cool down.
“My grandmother kind of grilled me when I came home late the other day,” I blurt out. I still can’t get those stupid thoughts out of my head. If I can’t talk to Granny, then Scarlett isn’t a bad second choice.
“Are you grounded?”
I laugh. “No, I’m not. She seems to think I should get out more, ‘mingle’, that kind of thing.”
“She’s probably right. If you feel it’s time to head out and mingle, then you should. Go at your own pace.”
“If I feel like it’s time?” I frown. “Isn’t a whole bunch of time supposed to pass before I should even wonder about it? Too soon would be disrespectful, wouldn’t it?”
“Trent,” she reaches over and rests a hand on my forearm, “grief and mourning periods vary from person to person. No person is going to say after six months you’re cured. The pain and loss of your wife is always going to be there. Even if in a year you find someone else, your wife is always around. Think of it this way. In twenty years when Kaelyn is getting ready to have you escort her down the aisle, I’ll bet my paycheck you’ll think of Deborah, and you’ll feel that familiar tug of loss and pain again. It won’t be because you don’t love the person you’re with at that time any less, because Deborah will always be part of you. No time will change it.” She drops her hand.
“I wish Granny had of told me that instead of telling me I needed fresh air,” I chuckle. “I guess you’re right though. I think the what if’s are bugging me more than anything. Like I’m worrying about everything before I have to, or things I might not even have to worry about.”
“This sounds silly, but take it one day at a time. Don’t go onto some online dating site and message every girl until you find someone you like. Be you and relax. Everything will happen at the right time. You just have to be patient and take it a day at a time.”
“Whenever I need a pep talk, I’m going to call you, okay?” I smile.
“Trent, you can call on me anytime. I’ll always help a friend.”
“Thanks, Scarlett.” I glance at the clock on the wall. “I should get ready to leave. I promised Kaelyn I’d fix bacon cheeseburgers with homemade French fries for dinner.”
“Sound yummy. Go and enjoy your family, Trent. I’ll see you around.”
Before I leave, we exchange numbers.
***
I HOLD MY arms out and the security guard sweeps up and down my sides and back. When nothing alarms him, he motions me to walk forward. I turn in my purse, keys, and any other valuables to the woman behind the glass. She hands me a ticket and points over her shoulder. I turn and follow another security guard through the large cages and a long hallway.
He escorts me into a small room, and I sit in one of the metal chairs. I look around the dim gray colored walls and notice the table is bolted to the floor. The camera in the corner has a red light that blinks and I’m suddenly nervous. The loud turn of the lock startles me and the squeaking is the announcement that Dominic is walking into the room.
He’s in a bright orange jumpsuit, handcuffed and chained at his ankles. His sandy blond hair is cut shorter than the last time I saw him. His green eyes are dark and scary. The guard locks Dominic into place on the large steel ring on the table. When he walks out, we stare at each other, saying nothing.
Looks like I’ll have to be the first to speak. “How are you?”
“I’m in jail. How do you think I am?” he sneers.
“Dom, stop. I’m trying to be here for you.”
“I don’t need you. My fate is already laid out for me. You can leave.”
I sigh and look at the man, but see the boy who hid my only Barbie doll. “Your attorney asked me to speak at the sentencing.”
“Great.” He rolls his eyes. “Are you planning on telling them what an upstanding citizen I am? Maybe you should tell them I was a boy scout.”
“Enough, Dom. I get it; you’re bitter, but you put yourself in here. No one else but you.” I grit my teeth at him.
He moves his hands, and the handcuff chains clank and rattle. “I know.” His tone quickly changes. “I know why I’m here.”
The tug at my heart as my brother sits across from me in his jailhouse uniform and chains. “I don’t think I’ll do it.”
Dominic looks up at me. “You don’t have to. It would just hurt you more and I...I don’t want that for you,” he stammers on his words.
A million questions run through my head. I want to know all the answers, but I’m sure he won’t tell me the truth.
“Dom, why did you do it? Why didn’t you come to me if it was about the money? I’ve always given you money.” The tears and emotions burn through my body, and I think of Deborah, Trent, and Kaelyn. I remember seeing the tape of the shooting and I let the tears fall. “I could have helped you.”
Dominic turns his head away from me. “I know.”
“Then why? She was a mother— a good mother to a little girl. She was married to a wonderful husband. She gave you the money. You didn’t have to shoot her!” I scold him fiercely.
“You want to do me a favor? You want to be the world’s best sister?” His eyes are hard as they stare back at me. “Go away and never come back. Guard!”
I jump at his cold yell for security to come back in. Without another word, or so much as a glance, I watch the guard take my brother away from me for the last time.
Through my years of therapy, I learned something important: you can’t help people if they don’t want it. And Dominic doesn’t want my help.
I sit with a bottle of wine as sad music plays. There are a lot of tissues on hand to wipe my tears as the conversation with Dominic replays repeatedly in my head. I want to stay curled up on this couch for the rest of
my life, but I can’t do it. If he wants to shut me out of his life, then so be it. Tomorrow is a new day and I have to be a role model for my kids.
I don’t own a Memphis Angels baseball shirt, so after work on Friday, I run to get one from the nearest store. The red and blue colors are bright and I’m tempted to grab one with Trent’s number, but I stop myself.
Hello, stalker.
I quickly head home, shower, and change before going over to the foster home and picking up my two boys. Sure, they’re not technically mine, but I feel as if they are. David and Joey, decked out their own baseball jerseys, race out to my car.
“Miss Knowles, are you as excited as us?” David jumps up and down.
I take a deep breath. Two nine-year-olds have a lot of energy, and I need to keep up with them all evening. “Yes. I barely slept last night thinking about this game.”
“Me too.” Joey beams as he buckles his seatbelt.
After I make sure they are both strapped in, I head to the stadium. Of course, Trent is going to be there, but this is for the kids. Since it’s kids night, the team is going to be signing for the kids and I know the boys want some autographs. I think it’s nice how the Angels are giving back to Memphis.
The boys are bubbling over with excitement and they talk the entire drive. It takes me forever to find a place to park, and the crowd is worse than I imagined. Thanks to Macy, I was able to get some good seats behind the dugout. I haven’t told the boys yet though. I want them to be surprised.
David and Joey ask for everything under the sun when we walk in, but I’m able to convince them to wait a little bit before we grab something. I take them both by the hand and lead them down to the railings. I hand them the posters they were given out at the gate and two Sharpie markers.
“Now, don’t fall over.” It’s not a long fall, but I can’t let them get hurt on my watch.
They’re bouncing on their toes as the team begins to come out. The crowd cheers as they make their way to the long line of waiting kids. I try my best not to stare at Trent, but I can’t help it. I watch him when he climbs the stairs of the dugout and begins to make his way down the line. He smiles at all of the children and even poses for a few selfies. Then, he finally reaches us.
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