“You being a chaplain was one of the ways I was going to work your uncle’s situation for good.10 Most men at the jail had no fathers, either. I wanted to heal your heart so you could be a father to them. Jail is full of fatherless men separated from their children. You could have helped them become good fathers and break this horrendous cycle.
“Had you gone to the jail, I would have given you a healing anointing, and I would have used you to heal Sarah and extend her life’s ministry at the jail, also. She’s My joy, and I delight in her obedience when she hears My voice.”
His stern eyes flame with intensity, “Paul, you let yourself be led by your mind, not My Spirit. Of course your disobedience opened you up to deception by demonic spirits. So many times you called good evil and evil good. Your evaluations were in gross error. Your priorities were rarely mine.”
As Paul looked into the pages, he saw the jail and the faces of the inmates he would have led to the Lord and those he could have helped to lead productive lives. He saw the lives of the people whom they would have impacted—their wives and girlfriends, children and grandchildren. To his surprise, he felt a deep love for them.
“You would have had an effective, anointed ministry there until your late 70s.” Agony and regret bore down on him so that his knees buckled, but the Lord caught him.
The next page was a family portrait. Kathy and Paul along with Jordan in his 30s, next to a pretty brunette who was holding a toddler. “This is Jordan’s wife Cynthia, and their son, Caleb; of course those plans won’t change.” Paul was at first surprised to see that there were other people in the portrait—adults and children. Then waves of indescribable pain overwhelmed him, and he knew their identity before the Lord even said it.
“You and Kathy were going to have two daughters, Susan and Diane; these would have been their husbands, Danny and Larry. And between them, they would have had these five precious grandchildren, Calvin, Canaan, Ashton, Kendra, and Lonny.”
More tears flowed as he gently reached to touch the faces of his two daughters and his grandchildren. As he touched the grandchildren, he saw flashes of himself and Kathy, in their fifties, pushing the grandkids on swings, helping them cast a fishing reel, and standing beside them on a merry-go-round.
“I had a rich, full life planned for you Paul, not only in your family life, but in your ministry. You would have touched the lives of hundreds and hundreds of My lost, hurting children, and in turn they would have touched hundreds more, but you would not yield to My leadership. In your rebellion, you walked away from My protective covering and the enemy was able to cut your life short. Everyone who hears My words and doesn’t do them I liken him to a foolish man.”11
“Kathy was right, and Sarah was right, and I was wrong. How could I have been so blind?”
“You were blinded by your pride, Paul. You were so busy trying to build yourself up that the godly opinions of others around you didn’t even register. In addition to Saldu, Holy Spirit and I were constantly wooing you. At first you disregarded our voices, but after saying no for so long, you lost all spiritual discernment. You can’t even begin to understand the pain I felt when you ignored Us.” A tear ran down His face. “I watched you run after your idols of pride and self-promotion. Year after year I called you, Paul, hoping you’d realize that there is no satisfaction in any other. I alone am the Light and the Life. You loved yourself too much and never loved Me enough. There is suffering in earthly sacrifice, but the eternal rewards far outweigh the temporal discomfort.”
Paul was literally trembling from head to toe. He felt mentally distraught and tormented by regret. He ran his fingers through his hair on both sides of his head and bent at the waist. He pulled clumps of hair out, but he felt no physical pain and new hair immediately appeared. He began to pummel and scratch his face with his fists while screaming, screeching a primal sound. No blood or bruises appeared. He couldn’t injure himself or feel physical pain in his new, eternal, indestructible body. He’d never imagined such regret and torment was even possible. He felt he might pass out or even die.
Jesus placed His hand on Paul’s head and spoke, “Peace.” Paul didn’t stop crying, but he stopped screaming and hitting himself.
Saldu flipped to the last page. There, hovering above the book, was a hologram of a large, elaborate crown made of shimmering gold.
“Each precious jewel represents one life that you should have touched and the lives that they in turn would have touched.”
Through his tears, Paul saw the base of the ornate crown was designed with solid gold. Embedded in the gold were precious stones—rubies, emeralds, sapphires, and large white pearls in the shape of crosses. The crown was adorned with several hundred diamonds arranged in a pattern of olive branches. On the top was a large red spinel diamond, which represented Jesus’ shed blood. Paul has never seen anything so beautiful. He longed to present this amazing crown to the Lord to thank Him for the overwhelming mercy he had been shown—mercy that he now knows he never deserved and could never earn.
“Now it is time to reveal how your life lines up with My plans and My Word. When you gave your life to Me, I became your foundation and you began building your life’s work. Your building choices were gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, or straw. Everyone’s work will be put through the fire to see whether or not it keeps its value. The fire is impartial; it is the equalizer of every person’s work. If the work survives the fire, that builder will receive a heavenly, eternal reward. But if the work is burned up, that builder will suffer great loss. The builders themselves will be saved, but like someone escaping through a wall of flames.12
Saldu bent low and blew his breath on the books, and they burst into red and orange flames. Paul hoped against hope that he would have a beautiful crown to present to his wonderful Savior. But when both books were consumed and the flames died down, all that remained was a dull, quarter-sized lump of gold. Paul’s last hope was shattered. He fell forward and caught himself on the altar. Devastation overwhelmed him as he saw that the lifetime of selfish choices had culminated in the agonizing scene that now lay before him. With sadness etched on his face, Saldu handed the small lump of gold to Paul.
Jesus approached him. Paul was filled with sorrow. Humiliated, he looked away, remembering the many warnings from Saldu. Jesus said, “Your life was mostly composed of wood, hay, and straw. Your small lump of gold is unrefined because you wouldn’t submit to My leadership. You wouldn’t go through My refiner’s fire. You were so focused on your temporal earthly life that you missed your eternal calling and your many heavenly rewards. Did you not read in My Word? Don’t love the world and what it offers. Those who love the world don’t have the Father’s love in them. Not everything that the world offers—physical gratification, greed, and extravagant lifestyles—comes from the Father. It comes from the world, and the world and its evil desires are passing away. But the person who does what God wants lives forever.13
“My eternal Word clearly states that the first and greatest commandment is to ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ And the second is equally important, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’14 We were all waiting to help you fulfill those commandments, but you were distracted by so many temporal things.”
Paul dropped the gold at His feet, not so much as an offering of thanks, but to rid himself of the wretched reminder of his failure, compromise, and regret. He fell on the floor writhing in agony. In the shadow of the glorious man, Christ Jesus, Paul wept and gnashed his teeth. But all the regret in the world would not buy one more chance or one more day to serve the Lord on earth. His life was squandered, mostly worthless to God’s Kingdom, an eternal tribute to his selfishness—unrepairable, and unfixable.
He had never known such torture. He writhed in agony and screamed out, “Can Hell be more painful than this? Forgive me! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt You.” He sobbed and wailed, “Even with the Holy Spirit living insid
e me and angels guiding me and Your living Word, I still wasted my life. I wasted it and through my rebellion, cut it short.”
He beat his hands on the ground and wailed, rolling from side to side. “I don’t deserve to be here. I never submitted my life to You. I squandered the precious gift of life that you gave me. I only looked out for myself and didn’t care about others. How can You even love me? How can You even want me here? I don’t deserve to be here. I, more than anyone, deserve Hell. Oh, if I could only do it again.”
After what seemed like several eternities to Paul, but was really only several minutes, Jesus knelt before him. “You’re My brother, Paul; I love you.”
“Oh, Jesus, how can You love me? I’m not worthy to be Your lowliest servant. I’m so sorry I hurt you. My life is a total failure.”
“But that’s why I died, to forgive your sins and failures. I will never forsake you; you are a member of My precious, blood-bought family.”
With great compassion, Jesus took Paul’s face into His hands, His fiery eyes flashing. “Paul, I love you, and you trusted in Me for your salvation,” His nail-scarred hands wiped the tears from Paul’s left cheek. “Though you did not do many works to benefit My Father’s Kingdom, you trusted My blood to redeem you.” He wiped the tears from Paul’s right eye. Waves of grace wash over Paul. “Through My blood sacrifice on your behalf, I pronounce you totally forgiven.” The excruciatingly deep pain, shame, and regret disappeared as he felt the Lord’s great love wash over him. The agony that he thought would certainly kill him just a few minutes ago was replaced by total peace like he’d never experienced. He reveled in it. Jesus leaned close to his face. “Receive the joy of your salvation.” Paul laughed until he doubled up as waves of joy and peace engulfed him.
It was now just an eternal fact, a slice of sad history that Paul’s life had been mostly wasted. But by the miracle of God’s eternal mercy and the power of Jesus’ shed blood, not only were his sins forgiven, the sting of regret was wiped away from Paul’s emotions forever. The heavy burden of his failures that had caused him to cry out in anguish was annihilated by Jesus’ sacrifice. Although the memories remained, all the shame and pain had been redeemed and turned into ecstatic, overwhelming gratitude to his risen Lord. Paul was passionately in love with Jesus, his wonderful redeemer, whom he now realized, had shown him unfathomable grace when he deserved none at all. For the first time, he had a clear understanding of what he deserved and what the Lord had saved him from.
A celestial dignity was bestowed on Paul that was not there before. He was now secure in the Lord’s unconditional love for him, his sins were forever forgiven, and every tear was wiped away.15
Jesus took Paul by the hand and pulled him to his feet. With total abandon, Paul flung himself into the waiting arms of his loving Savior and they embraced.
“Now Paul, Heaven is not a barren, sterile place. Everything is alive here; everything is moving and growing. And your spirit will continue to grow. No one stops growing in Heaven; your gifts and destinies are without repentance. Even though you missed out on many of the heavenly rewards I wanted to give you, you’re still a part of the great cloud of witnesses cheering on those who still dwell on earth. I have assignments for you regarding the people left behind. They still have unlimited opportunities to follow My Word.
“Even though you’re not on earth to nurture and bless your wife, you can still support her. Prayers don’t stop when a person dies. Your first assignment is to pray for Kathy and Jordan. Your death didn’t thwart My plan for her destiny. You can pray for her healing and for the new husband that I’ll eventually bring into her life.”
“Oh Lord, You’re so good to bring someone else for her so she won’t be a single mother long. Thank You, thank You.”
“Your second assignment is to pray for the Holy Spirit to empower the new chaplain I’ll put in place. Pray for all the prisoners and their families. Pray for the families of their victims who are grieving.
“Pray for Sarah; she’ll be joining us soon, but she can still accomplish so much in the short time that she has left. Pray that she will be wholehearted and not give in to Discouragement and Depression at the Manor.”
“You’re going to learn and grow and see so much more of My glory. There are many chambers in My heart and many rooms to explore in Heaven. You’ll be My intercessor before the throne, crying out day and night. There’s a great war for souls that never stops; your real life’s work is just beginning. Look back at the earth now. It is merely the womb of life, but choices made there cement eternal futures.”
Suddenly Paul could see the earth and the second Heaven that overlaid it. He saw the angels warring against demons and the principalities and powers over cities.
“I’ll take you into My war room and show you My strategies for the end of the age. Your prayers will help fill the golden bowls before My throne.16 You can help plunder My enemy’s kingdom and usher in My victorious return.”
“Oh Jesus, there is no one like You. You are full of love and mercy. You redeemed me when I was your enemy. I only deserve Hell, but even though my sins were great, You have forgiven them all and given me Your righteousness as a gift. I exalt Your name above every name. You are truly King of all kings and Lord of all lords. There is no one like You. Your love and mercy are unfathomable!” This time Saldu’s tears were tears of joy.
“Enter into the paradise prepared for those I love,” Jesus said with a big smile and His eyes aflame with compassion. Flanked by Jesus and Saldu, Paul turned toward the massive, celestial gate still praising his loving Savior.
“This is why eternity is not too long to bow before His throne and praise Him,” said Saldu with a smile, as, arm in arm, they ushered Paul into his eternal home, God’s heavenly city of Paradise.
CHAPTER 40
“The Lord spoke to me about a spiritual Sons of Issachar clock we have been given in this time and showed me that every minute that passes is like money passing through our fingers. It came with directions: value the time you are given as you would value money. Spend time wisely. Time is life. Time can be used to make money, but money can’t be used to buy time. Every minute is far more valuable than money.”
Joni Ames1
“Let me be thankful, first, because he never robbed me before; second, because although he took my purse, he did not take my life; third, because although he took all I possessed, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed.”
Matthew Henry2
Sarah woke in the middle of the night hurting all over. Pain was nothing new since she had broken her hip.
Self-Pity was crouching on the bed waiting, “Sarah, poor, poor Sarah. You’re stuck in this smelly nursing home. What’d you do to deserve this? It must have been bad, really bad. You know that the only way anyone ever leaves this place is horizontal!”
“Your life is over, and what do you have to show for it?” asked Depression. “You failed at having kids. You’ll die alone; they’ll sell your house and get rid of your possessions at a yard sale. The only thing that will mark your life is a square of granite with your name carved on it. Who will even remember you were here?”
My life is almost over. What difference have I made by being here?
“Sarah, don’t buy that lie,” whispered Malta, as he pulled out his harp and began to play a sweet melody. “Your efforts make an eternal difference. This life is mostly about preparing you for the age to come. Every day you are rushing closer to eternity, which is your real life. Invest in the right kingdom—no heavenly pavement down here. Give the last of everything you have to glorify Jesus. He is so worthy of all your efforts. In this nursing home you are His mouth and you are His hands; don’t waste His precious time here.”
That’s right, this nursing home is my mission field, at least for a little longer.
“His love for you is so extravagant; just receive it and then give it out to everybody you meet. He wants you to lavish the same love and compassion on
others as He does on you,” added Joel. “Look at the people around you. In six months, half of them will be living eternally in Heaven or in Hell. You can help them make the right decision. Think how grateful you are that the Lord saved you toward the end of your life.”
“If He really loved you, He’d have saved you when you were 12, not when you were old,” whispered the slimy voice of Discouragement.
“When you feel discouraged, it’s the enemy shooting his fiery darts at you,” said Malta. “He hates you, but you can defeat him by quoting or singing the Scripture.”
Malta played the harp and sang over Sarah, inserting her name in the Scripture. “Sarah is hard-pressed on every side, yet she is not crushed; Sarah is perplexed, but she is not in despair; Sarah is persecuted, but she is not forsaken; Sarah is struck down, but she is not destroyed.”3
With her spirit empowered by God’s Word, she made up her mind once and for all that Self-Pity and Pride would no longer have a part in her life.
“When the enemy lies to you and when you’re feeling low,” said Malta, “Go find someone else who is discouraged and do something to help them.”
Sarah decided that if she was going to live out the last of her life at the Manor then she would do it with a good attitude. With God’s help she would wreak as much havoc on the enemy’s kingdom as she could, through praise, prayer, witnessing, and any other way the Lord would show her.
Dear Jesus, help me to live a life that makes sense for eternity. Help me to make an impact in Your Kingdom today. Help me to share with the staff and patients, and especially help me to pray, pray, pray all day long.
Angels of Humility: A Novel Page 25