Animals Behaving Badly

by Linda Lombardi

  So when the brown tree snake arrived, it took advantage of a free all-you-can-eat buffet of defenseless wildlife. The innocent creatures had no idea what a snake was and no suspicion that it saw them as food. The snakes proceeded to wipe out most of the delicious bird species, tasty fruit bats, and scrumptious little lizards.

  You’d think they’d at least be nice to us humans for providing this great new home, but not so much. Among other problems, they’re constantly climbing power poles and causing short circuits, as the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) explains:This results in frequent losses of power to parts of Guam and even island-wide blackouts. Such power failures, brownouts, and electrical surges, occurring on average approximately one every three days, damage electrical appliances and interrupt all activities dependent on electrical power, including commerce, banking, air transportation, and medical services. Power outages caused by snakes have been a serious problem on Guam since 1978, and the incidence of snake-caused outages continues to cause significant problems. Records show that more than 1,600 snake-caused outages occurred from 1978–1997.

  The USGS quotes an estimate of $4 million per year for research and control of the brown tree snake, including searching outgoing aircraft for stowaways that might invade other islands, and that’s not counting damages and losses from blackouts, extinction of wildlife, and environmental problems. And, adding insult to injury, now the snakes are expecting humans to provide food. Having nearly driven all those tasty animals to extinction, larger snakes are now scavenging garbage and even stealing hamburgers off barbecues.

  Elsewhere, naturalists are trying to figure out how to solve the problems caused by traveling mice. Ordinary house mice that ships brought to Gough Island in the South Pacific have spent the last century and a half evolving in their new home: They’re now two or three times larger and have developed into bloodthirsty carnivores that prey on the chicks of endangered seabirds. The bird babies weigh over twenty pounds compared to the “giant” one-ounce mice. “It is like a tabby cat attacking a hippopotamus,” says one naturalist. But the albatrosses and other ground-nesting birds on the island evolved with no native predators, so they have no instinct to defend themselves or their offspring from the rodents that are now eating something like 60 percent of the helpless chicks alive in their nests. Guilt-ridden British conservationists are now struggling to save the colony with plans like dropping poison from helicopters at a projected cost of £2.6 million ($4 million).

  And while individual animals can’t cause the kind of damage that a whole species can, don’t expect them to be any more thankful for the opportunity to travel. The first cat to attempt to cross the Atlantic by air, a tabby called Kiddo, didn’t much appreciate the chance to make history. As the airship was being towed out to sea, the wireless operator said, “This cat is raising hell—I believe it’s going mad.” The crew eventually agreed to try to send the cat back, with the result that the historic first radio communication from an aircraft in flight was:

  Roy, come and get this goddamn cat.

  The crew was unsuccessful at lowering Kiddo in a sack into a motorboat, but the attempt caused the cat to reconsider his options—as one crew member said “he suddenly discovered that he could have been in a worse place than an airship”—and he settled down for the rest of the trip, 71.5 hours until the airship came down and all were rescued off the coast of Maryland.

  ABOVE THEIR STATION

  Despite all this evidence that doing something nice for animals just brings out the worst in them, we’re treating them better and better all the time. In fact, they’re enjoying more and more of the benefits of civilization that used to belong exclusively to humans. And I’m not just talking about little dogs getting to dress up in fashionable outfits. For instance, in these days of high unemployment, we don’t even have enough jobs to go around for our own species, and yet, we’re giving jobs to animals.

  This trend has gone furthest in Japan. In one case, a cat was given the post of stationmaster at an otherwise unstaffed train station. “Tama is the only stationmaster, as we have to reduce personnel costs,” admitted an official. The cat, who did nothing more than wear a uniform cap and watch customers come and go, nevertheless rose rapidly in her career. After only a fairly brief tenure, Tama was given her own office and a promotion to “super-stationmaster,” at which point it was reported, appallingly, that she was the only female of any species to hold a managerial position in the railroad company.

  Elsewhere in Japan, monkeys wait tables in a traditional sake bar north of Tokyo. They wear traditional Japanese garb, hand out hot towels for hand-cleaning and take drink orders. Customers claim that the monkeys understand their orders. “We called out for more beer just then and it brought us some beer,” said one patron. “It’s amazing how it seems to understand human words.”

  These primates are not just taking people’s jobs, they’re making human employees look bad. “The monkeys are actually better waiters than some really bad human ones,” said another customer.

  Perhaps most shocking is the fact that this trend is so entrenched in Japan that there are already laws regulating animal employment—and the regulations make their lives a lot easier than those of the human staff, restricting shifts to two hours a day. (Although it seems that these rules do not extend to outlawing child labor: Another train station, impressed by the tourists attracted by Tama the cat, appointed two baby monkeys to their stationmaster position.)

  POSITIONS OF RESPONSIBILITY

  The Japanese are not the only ones to be guilty of employing nonhuman primates, and in other countries, they’ve been given jobs with even more authority. There’s a monkey on the police force in Thailand that works at a police checkpoint. He allegedly helps defuse tensions with Muslim separatists, although reports provide no explanation of what experience qualifies him for this delicate task. In New Delhi, some companies and government agencies employ langur monkeys as a security force. They’re supposed to drive away the troublesome gangs of macaques that run rampant in the city, taking advantage of the fact that devotees of the monkey god Hanuman consider them sacred:The gray-brown, pink-faced macaques . . . reportedly have invaded homes and offices, swiping cell phones and sodas, biting children and slapping women. There are stories of them breaking into police stations, donning guns and holsters, and raiding hospitals, where they attack doctors and snatch IVs from patients’ arms to slurp the sugary liquid.... Everyone knows the story of the monkey who allegedly mooched booze from a central-Delhi liquor store—Aristocrat vodka and McDowell’s whiskey were his favorites.

  Using monkeys to fight monkeys may sound only fair, but unfortunately, hiring standards for the anti-macaque force are apparently not very high. Among the monkeys assigned to increase security around the 2010 Commonwealth Games, at least one misused his position to try to steal a BBC cameraman’s phone, sending the man to the hospital for treatment of a cut and rabies and tetanus injections.

  Sometimes prominent and influential positions even go to animals who have already demonstrated the worst sort of bad behavior. A kakapo in New Zealand gained a certain worldwide notoriety when he sexually assaulted the head of a zoologist who was filming a BBC wildlife documentary. Like some humans, the endangered bird has parlayed this appalling reality-TV moment into a career: It’s actually been given a government job as a spokes-parrot for conservation.

  THEY REALLY WANT TO DIRECT

  As if there weren’t enough competition for employment in creative fields these days, animals are also pursuing careers in art. Captive critters that produce paintings have become too numerous to list, including sea lions at an aquarium in Oregon, a rhino at the zoo in Denver, and many elephants. And even those animals—who paint properly with brushes—are probably miffed at what other creatures pass off as art: There are zoos selling works made by penguins and meerkats that do nothing more than walk across the paper with paint on their feet.

  Animals have also moved into more modern forms of artistic self-expres
sion. Chimps at a zoo in Scotland were given cameras to film a documentary for the BBC, and an orangutan at the Vienna zoo takes photographs that have gained her tens of thousands of fans on Facebook. Skeptics have attempted to downplay the efforts of these creatures, but with little success. The director of the Vienna zoo, bemoaning the media coverage of their orang photos, told National Geographic, “There is no creative touch, no artistic approach!” Explaining that the orangutan manipulates the camera because a raisin is dispensed when she pushes a button, he said, this is just how orangutans are: “We knew that they use and manipulate every object they touch. If you give them a machine-gun, they will soon find out how to shoot it.”

  Such myth busting has apparently made very little headway, though. A French filmmaker produced a movie filmed and directed by a capuchin monkey, and commented favorably about what he learned working with primates:They taught me something very important and very scary for my career: even a well-trained monkey could do my job. Maybe film-makers will soon compete for jobs against monkeys.

  SLIPPERY SLOPE

  One thing has to be said for those animals, though: At least they’re working. After all, it’s about time zoo animals really earned their keep, instead of spending most of the day hiding when you’re trying to see them.

  But once you give animals jobs, where do you draw the line? Is anything in our culture so sacred that they can’t participate? Some no longer see a problem inviting them to weddings—and we’re not just talking about the increasing number of pet dogs walking down the aisle with bridal parties. In Australia, a pet kangaroo was a bridesmaid, and in Montana, a couple had a bear as their best man. And the next thing you know, animals are getting their own nuptial ceremonies:■ Two pet monkeys in India had a wedding attended by over three thousand guests. The bride was dressed in a red sari, and the primates were showered with gifts including a gold necklace, then released from captivity to lead their married life. One of their former owners said, “I feel as if my own daughter is getting married. I cannot bear the thought that she would not be with us anymore.”

  ■ A pair of gay penguins enjoyed a privilege denied to humans in many places when they tied the knot at a zoo in China, wearing traditional red wedding garb and processing to the music of the “Wedding March.”

  And a dog caused a kerfuffle by receiving communion at a church in Toronto. One parishioner was so shocked that he filed a complaint and left the church. Yet, ominously, others didn’t see it as a problem, including this church official who made excuses for the reverend: I think it was this natural reaction: here’s this dog, and he’s just looking up, and she’s giving the wafers to people and she just gave one to him. Anybody might have done that. It’s not like she’s trying to create a revolution.

  ELEVEN

  Heroic Humans

  IT’S TIME TO FACE THE TRUTH. YOU KNOW NOW WHAT THESE creatures get away with because they’re cute and beautiful and magnificent examples of the wonders of nature. You’ve seen the problems that result from believing that animals are noble, honest, and good despite all the evidence to the contrary. And you may ask yourself, what can you do to help, aside from buying a copy of this book for everyone you know?

  Perhaps the first step is to recognize some role models, like these brave individuals who refused to take bad animal behavior lying down:■ A gardener mowing grass in a city park in India was bitten by a snake. When he couldn’t shake it off, he removed it with a pair of scissors, and then he not only bit it back, but chewed up two-thirds of it. He only stopped when be began vomiting and fainted: “I was angry when the snake bit me on my finger. I bit it back because that was my way of taking revenge,” Ramesh told doctors after regaining consciousness. His condition is stable. The snake is dead.

  ■ Another “man bites snake” story comes out of Africa: A Kenyan man accidentally stepped on a thirteen-foot-long python and found himself encoiled in its grip and dragged up into a tree. Over the course of three hours, he smothered the snake’s head with his shirt to prevent it from swallowing him, bit it on the tail, and successfully struggled to free one arm and get his phone out of his pocket to call for help. Once he was rescued, the snake unfortunately escaped, but a police officer said they were taking the search with the utmost seriousness: “We want to arrest the snake because any one of us could fall a victim.”

  ■ In British Columbia, a man saved himself from a bear attack by making do with what was at hand. Too far from his truck to outrun the charging black bear, he looked down, picked up a rock, and drew on his experience as a baseball pitcher, hitting the animal right between the eyes. “It was like I shot it. Knocked it right out,” he said.

  ■ A woman in Montana also thwarted a bear attack with an improvised weapon. She attempted to defend her elderly dog from the bear by kicking it, and then, as the animal thrust its head and shoulder through the partly closed door and tried to muscle its way into her house: “The woman held onto the door with her right hand. With her left, she reached behind and grabbed a 14-inch zucchini that she had picked from her garden earlier and was sitting on the kitchen counter.... She threw the vegetable. It bopped the bruin on the top of its head and the animal fled.” Authorities looking for the bear planned to use DNA retrieved from the zucchini to confirm its identity.

  ■ Perhaps the bravest and most resourceful of all of these—and the one with the best attitude—is the woman who was attacked by a shark while snorkeling and escaped by punching it: “I thought ‘this shark’s not going to get the better of me’ and I started punching it on the nose, punching, punching, punching.... And then it got me under the water, but not much because I started kicking at its neck.” She lost quite a lot of blood and is going to have to undergo a number of surgeries, but this woman sees a bright side. Sometimes there are unanticipated rewards for those who stand up to bad animals: “I have to have a new remodelled bottom, so that’s a positive,” she said.

  UNITED WE STAND

  Individual action against bad animals can’t be our only defense, though. We need to pull together as a society. To start, private organizations don’t have to depend on the police to regulate animal behavior on their own property. In England, a squirrel was banned from sneaking onto a roller coaster:Workers noticed it riding the revamped Sonic Spinball roller coaster as it was tested in the mornings and joining visitors who were offered an early go on it before the official opening.

  The gray-haired animal was also caught stealing food from the workers.

  A spokesman for the Staffordshire theme park said: “It was getting in the way of builders who were painting. They couldn’t carry on because they would end up with paw prints in the paint.”

  Alarms were installed that emit a warning noise inaudible to human ears but designed to ensure the squirrel, nicknamed Sonic, avoids the ride in future.

  We can take heart that despite the fact that amusement parks attract a demographic that is particularly fond of cute furry creatures, there have been no reports of children boycotting this park in response.

  And a group of citizens of Rock Hill, South Carolina, set a high standard for grassroots community action in an incident that began when an ordinary man encountered an out-of-theordinary creature: “Sure enough there was an ostrich runnin’ right by my nose so I couldn’t just sit by and do nothin’,” house painter Jerry Gibson told a reporter.

  The large flightless bird was actually an emu, but wisely, no one stopped to consult a reference book. Rather, neighbors leaped to assist, or at least encourage, as Gibson tried but failed to lasso the bird with an electrical cord.

  If you’ve never been up close with an emu, don’t downplay the nerve these folks demonstrated. The enormous birds have got feet like a dinosaur and an attitude to match.

  And, showing that it’s never too late to join the fight against bad animal behavior, the hero of the day was a seventy-year-old: The chase added dozens of Pied Piper–like chasers including the cops, and culminated with the emu’s capture by a veteran emu wrang
ler who just so happens to be a senior citizen with Popeye forearms named Bobby Mangrum. Mangrum was armed with nothing but a fishing net and a bellyful of courage.

  He tackled the bird, called for help, and held it down until an officer came and tied it up with a dog leash. See what we can do when we work together?

  THE LAW WON

  It’s only fair to recognize that there are occasional cases where public safety officials set a good example:■ In Germany, a goat was jailed after blocking traffic by standing in the middle of a road and leading police on a chase across town. News items described the animal’s bread and water diet and photos showed suitably Spartan accommodations. And the offending creature was insulted, as well: It was reported that the only remarks on the arrest papers were “smells very bad.”

  ■ In Columbia, a parrot was taken into custody by police for being part of a conspiracy to sell drugs. The bird, called Lorenzo, was caught trying to warn a local drug cartel of an undercover raid:Lorenzo caused quite the stir as he was presented to journalists. The well-trained creature even showed off his lookout skills as he yelled out: “Run, run you are going to get caught.”

  Four men and two other birds were also arrested in the raid, but perhaps the most shocking—and impressive—fact is that Lorenzo is merely the tip of a psittacine criminal iceberg: Authorities claim to have seized over seventeen hundred similarly trained parrots.