by Julia Sykes
I just can’t abide abusive men, he’d said. Jason had certainly demonstrated a fierce protective streak, and I got the feeling that permeated his entire life and wasn’t concentrated solely on me. He seemed to harbor a strong sense of duty as an FBI agent, and his job protecting innocents was clearly of the utmost importance to him. It only further endeared me to him, and that wasn’t a good thing; I was already dangerously infatuated.
As soon as the last recruit exited the training room, Jason approached me. I felt him before I saw him. I kept my back to him, unable to face him. Stupid tears welled up as he neared, and I hastily blinked them back. Every fiber of my being screamed at me to throw myself in his arms and allow him to hold me close, to pet me and tell me how proud he was of me. His words of praise as I’d taken his discipline had touched me more deeply that I could have imagined. It should have been patronizing, at best, and perverse, at worst. But it had filled me with heady satisfaction that enfolded my soul.
“What do you want?” I asked, my voice hitching. I swallowed hard and tried again. “I know I wasn’t at my best today. I’ll be better tomorrow.”
“That’s not why I asked you to stay,” he said quietly, his tone nearly as strained as my own. “I can tell you’re hurting. Please, give me a chance to explain what happened between us yesterday.”
“I remember very clearly,” I said, trying to sound acidic and failing miserably.
“But you don’t understand. Do you?”
I hesitated, my emotions churning. No, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to me or why I couldn’t seem to get a grip.
He took my silence as confirmation.
“I’m going for a run in the woods tonight. Six-thirty. There’s a bench halfway around the circuit. It’s a good place to take a breather. I’ll be there, and I hope you will be too. I’ll be there every night, until you’re ready.”
He waited a moment, then sighed and walked away when I didn’t offer an answer. Truthfully, I wasn’t certain if I’d be there. I desperately wanted to get a handle on my emotions, but the prospect of being alone with Jason was unnerving, to say the least. How could I be near him without falling prey to his magnetism again?
I forced myself to start walking to the locker room. As it was, I’d barely have enough time to shower and change before my next class. I’d make my decision about whether or not to meet Jason after. For now, I needed to focus on my studies, or I’d never become an agent.
Dread solidified in my gut, weighing me down as I jogged toward the meeting point. I feared the emotional upheaval and allure of facing Jason, but I couldn’t carry on as I was. I needed the answers he promised, or I would fail out of the academy. I’d barely made it through the last three days; I’d been little more than a zombie since I’d fled his office after he’d spanked me. I would have to study hard if I was going to catch up on everything I’d missed in my distraction.
As promised, he was waiting for me, seated on the bench at the edge of the path. Trees lined either side, providing privacy. No one else was jogging out here at dusk. We’d have a chance to discuss what had happened in his office without being overheard.
His attention snapped to me as soon as he heard my approaching footfalls. I slowed to a walk, my legs leaden as I forced myself to continue moving toward him. When I reached him, I paused, tense and uncertain.
He gestured at the bench beside him. “Sit with me.” It was a command, not a suggestion.
My knees folded, and I perched on the edge of the wooden seat, keeping as much distance between our bodies as possible.
He was silent, waiting for me to speak first. I felt lost, helpless. I wasn’t sure where to begin, and I longed for his guidance. But he allowed me time to gather my thoughts, and I was grateful for that.
“What’s happening to me?” I finally asked, my voice small. I couldn’t look him in the eye, so I stared at an ant that was slowly making its way across the pavement at my feet.
“You’re dropping,” he said grimly.
“But what does that mean?”
He blew out a long breath. “I should have explained this to you at the outset. But things moved so fast, and I didn’t think I wanted…” He paused before pressing on. “Do you know what BDSM is?” he asked abruptly.
I finally looked up at him, needing to read his expression. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected him to say, but this certainly wasn’t it. He regarded me intently, his bright green eyes cutting into my soul.
“I’ve heard of it,” I said slowly. “That’s like, kinky sex, right? Sadism and masochism?” I supposed my time with Jason had been more deviant than anything I’d experienced before, but it was a far cry from the whips and chains I associated with S and M.
“That’s part of it,” he replied, still watching me with an intensity that took my breath away. I couldn’t break from his gaze if I tried. “For me, it’s about the power exchange. I’m a Dominant. Or at least, I used to be.” His lips twisted in disgust. “You’re naturally submissive, and I couldn’t help responding to that. I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to explain it properly before. When I disciplined you for the first time, it was an intense experience for both of us. You felt it, didn’t you? The power exchange.”
I thought of how I’d rested my cheek on the desk and meekly allowed him to spank me, how my core had contracted around his fingers in pleasure even as pain heated my abused ass. Everything had fallen away, and my entire world had centered on him. All I’d wanted was to please him, to be with him.
“Yes,” I said softly. “I felt it.”
He nodded. “I knew your submissive nature as soon as I touched you the first time. You reacted to my dominance beautifully, and I couldn’t resist you. I can’t resist you.” His voice lowered on the last, and he reached for me. Before he could make contact, he curled his fingers to a fist and withdrew his hand. “But I have to. This isn’t fair to you. I took you to a vulnerable headspace when I spanked you, and it was my responsibility to hold you and comfort you after. But I fucked up, and I couldn’t stop you from leaving. I had no right to stop you. You’re not mine. And I have no business calling myself a Dominant anymore.” The fine lines around his eyes deepened with anguish.
You’re not mine. Yearning tugged at my chest. I wished I could be his. But everything was too complicated. I couldn’t be with him, not like this. Not when it would cost me my career.
But I couldn’t bear the pain etched into every taut line of his perfect face.
“What do you mean?” I asked tentatively. “Why can’t you be a Dominant? Just because we can’t…” I couldn’t bring myself to finish that statement, but I pressed on. “I’m sure you can find someone else. A real submissive.”
His eyes flashed. “You are a real submissive. You’re so fucking perfect it makes me want… Well, it makes me want things I don’t deserve.”
“But what do you mean by that?”
His gaze dropped from mine, as though he couldn’t bear to look at me. “I fucked up,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “It’s why I’m here, when I should be in the field. I’m being punished.”
“Why?” I asked, truly puzzled. “Why would anyone punish you? You’re a great agent. They wouldn’t have put you in charge of training new recruits if you weren’t.”
He laughed, a hollow sound. “I’m being punished because my father—the Deputy Director—was too embarrassed to fire me. So he chose to demote me instead; to humiliate me.”
“Why would your father do that to you?”
His eyes snapped back up to mine, burning into me. “Because I was a fucking addict,” he ground out. “I was weak. I started taking pills.” He ran a hand over his face. “I thought I was taking back control, but I completely lost it. I lost everything. That’s why I can’t be a Dominant anymore. I don’t have any self-control. I don’t deserve any submissive’s trust. And I certainly don’t deserve you.”
Shock rendered me silent for a few seconds. Jason h
ad been addicted to prescription drugs? Why? He wasn’t the type to jeopardize his career and the safety of those around him to chase a cheap high.
“You’re a good man,” I finally said. “I know you are. And I… I don’t regret being with you. You deserve to be happy, Jason. Your father might be punishing you, but you don’t have to punish yourself, too.”
“Don’t I?” he said, his voice strained. He looked at me with longing, but fear flickered in his eyes.
I reached out and cupped his cheek in my hand, unable to help myself. “What are you afraid of?” I whispered.
“I’m afraid I’ll ruin you.”
I didn’t have a response for that. Hadn’t I been worrying over how our forbidden relationship might ruin my career? Hadn’t I felt frayed and raw because of our hot encounter in his office?
I’m the one who ran away. He wanted to explain, and I didn’t let him.
I could see that now. He’d tried to take care of me, but I’d been scared. Scared of the intensity of what was developing between us.
“I’m afraid, too,” I admitted. “Not that you’ll hurt me, but that I might be willing to risk everything to be with you. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than to be an FBI agent. Until I met you. You say you can’t resist me, but I can’t resist you, either.”
“We have to,” he said roughly. “I can’t be responsible for you right now. I’m not in a position to care for myself properly, let alone anyone else.”
“Then I’ll take care of you,” I promised.
He shook his head. “It doesn’t work that way. I don’t work that way.”
“Why not? You don’t strike me as the kind of man who’s too proud to accept help.” I considered him for a moment when he didn’t say anything. As I mulled over our conversation, I came to a heartbreaking realization. “You don’t think you deserve for anyone to take care of you,” I surmised quietly. He flinched, and I knew I’d hit the truth.
“Natalie,” he said my name like a prayer. “I—”
Footsteps slapped against pavement, and we jolted apart. My hand dropped from his face, and I quickly shifted away from him.
My stomach dropped when I saw Trent approaching us. In the fading light, I could barely make out his expression, his eyes. He seemed to be looking in our direction, but how much had he seen?
I held my breath, but he jogged on past us without stopping.
When his footsteps faded into the distance, Jason stood.
“I should go.”
“Wait,” I pleaded. “Stay. I want to talk to you about this. All of it.” I still didn’t fully understand the BDSM thing, even if I did acknowledge the power dynamic inherent in our connection. What did it mean that I was submissive? And how could I prove to him that he was worthy of love?
Love. The word terrified me. I barely knew Jason. How could I even think in those terms? This whole thing was crazy, our situation impossible.
“I can’t stay,” he said, his expression drawn with anguish. “If I do, I won’t be able to stop myself.”
“Stop yourself? From doing what?”
“From holding you down and fucking you in the dirt like an animal.” His lips pressed to a thin line.
My core tightened at his crass words, craving for him to do just that. I wanted his raw power to wash over me, for him to pin me down and fuck me hard as we both lost all control.
His eyes flared as he read my arousal in my expression. “No,” he bit out.
He turned from me with a curse and sprinted away, as though if he just ran fast enough, he could escape the connection between us.
It was a useless endeavor. I wondered if he knew it as keenly as I did.
I was falling for Jason, and I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to resist any longer, no matter what it cost me.
Chapter 10
Jason
It took everything in me to prevent myself from catching up with McMahon and beating him to a bloody pulp. He’d seen me with Natalie. And while the danger of that was enough to make me want to protect her, the memory of the bruises that marred her perfect body was still far too fresh in my mind. He’d hurt her. He was a threat.
I should put him down.
No. That would be a mistake. Our situation was more precarious than ever now. If McMahon did suspect that anything was going on between Natalie and me, those suspicions would only be confirmed if I attacked him. I had to keep my distance, or I’d destroy Natalie’s career with one punch.
And probably my own as well.
That didn’t matter as much to me as it once did. All I could think of was her. She deserved so much better than me, and yet…
You don’t think you deserve for anyone to take care of you, she’d said.
How could she look right into my soul, revealing secrets about myself that I didn’t dare to contemplate?
I’ll take care of you. Her promise rang through my mind, tormenting me, tempting me.
All I’d ever wanted was a submissive of my own, someone to love and care for. Someone who trusted me implicitly and gave me everything, just as I would devote myself to her completely.
I’d played with plenty of women, and I’d participated in much more perverse acts than anything I’d done with Natalie. But our power exchange, our impossible connection, was more visceral than anything I’d ever known.
I knew I couldn’t have her. Not until I got my shit together and found my self-control again. Then, maybe I’d be worthy of her. Maybe I could rebuild my life and beg for her to accept me.
I didn’t know how long it would take for me to get to that point. I felt so utterly shattered, I wasn’t certain I’d ever get there. What if some other Dom came along and plucked her up?
Just the thought of another man touching her, another man dominating her, made rage choke my throat. I sucked in a ragged breath and struggled to center myself.
If I was ever going to have a chance with her, I had to find my control again. And to do that, I needed to commit myself to therapy. I’d already started discussing my trauma with Dr. Larson, and I’d diligently written about it, completing the “homework” she’d assigned me. Thinking about the carnage was difficult, but I had to face it. I refused to wither and waste my years at Quantico. I’d been determined to get better so I could win my career back, but now, I had a bigger prize to work toward: Natalie.
“For some of you, this will be your last day at Quantico,” I said as I surveyed my class. Two weeks in, and it had already become clear to me that a handful of the recruits weren’t going to cut it. I tried not to glower at McMahon too long as I spoke. He definitely wouldn’t be here in twenty-four hours. I’d made sure of it, giving him a scathing assessment.
Truthfully, he wasn’t half-bad. He certainly wasn’t in the bottom ten percent of the class. But character counted for a lot more than skill, and I’d be damned if I let an abusive, misogynistic bastard join the Bureau on my watch. I didn’t want to put Natalie in the middle of it, so I’d embellished his assessment a little. Instead of writing up his attack on a fellow recruit, I’d written that he was incompetent and unfit.
That wasn’t a lie. In my mind, anyone who would beat a woman for rejecting him was both incompetent and unfit to be considered a man, much less an agent.
“The cuts will be announced at the end of the day,” I continued on, allowing my eyes to rove over the recruits rather than focusing on the one I hated.
Or the one I cared for.
Don’t look at her, I willed myself. I couldn’t face Natalie, not after the intensity of baring my soul to her in the woods. I’d worked hard in therapy this morning, and I was feeling particularly raw, even though Dr. Larson had praised my commitment and progress. If I allowed my gaze to linger on the woman who was rapidly becoming my darkest obsession, I wasn’t at all certain I’d be able to hide my feelings.
“Pair up,” I ordered. “This is your last chance to impress me.”
The room filled with the low buzz of conversation as the recr
uits split into their usual groupings. I was so focused on not looking in Natalie’s direction that she caught me by surprise when she didn’t partner with Nathaniel Cross.
“Agent Harper?” Her voice was soft, tentative. I didn’t care for the formality; I much preferred when she screamed my name in ecstasy.
I stiffened as it took physical effort to will the surge of lust to subside. Moving slowly, I turned toward her.
“What is it, Simmons?” I asked, more sharply than I’d intended.
Instead of shrinking away from my harsh tone, she lifted her chin in defiance. God, that expression awoke all my most deviant urges. I craved to pin her down and torment her until she mewled and melted, purring like the good little kitten I knew she could be.
“I need your help,” she said, bold and clear. “I’ve fallen behind in the last few days, and I could use some individual attention, please.”
Individual attention. There were so many ways I’d like to lavish my attentions on her, none of which involved training her in hand-to-hand combat.
“I’m sure Cross can help you,” I said, turning away.
Her hand shot out to close around my wrist. “Please,” she begged, sounding more strained.
I stared pointedly at where she touched me, trying to ignore the heat that flashed up my arm, emanating from where our skin made contact. Reluctantly, her grip eased, but her fingertips trailed across the inside of my wrist as she pulled away, the light touch sending lust surging through my body.
I became aware of several pairs of eyes on us, and I realized we’d been too close for a few seconds too long. I had no choice but to acknowledge her request.
“All right,” I bit out as I stepped into an offensive stance.
Her dark blue gaze focused on me—not looking into my eyes, but studying my body. I didn’t like the analytical way she watched me, calculating my next move rather than really looking at me. I was a challenge, an opponent. Not the man who’d fucked her while she’d whimpered and writhed and called me Sir.
She took advantage of my momentary distraction, coming at me with lightning speed. I barely dodged in time, and her skin kissed mine as she slid past. I spun, facing off against her again. Grim determination settled over me. Natalie was good, but I was better, more experienced. And the animal part of my brain told me to pin her down, to conquer and claim. Her skill and the challenge she posed only made my hunger for her that much sharper.