by Julia Sykes
Golden eyes flashed through my mind, studying me like a butterfly pinned to a board. I shuddered and curled further into myself in a fruitless effort to protect my more sensitive areas.
“And then my heart with pleasure—” I began desperately.
A strong hand clamped over my mouth.
“No,” he said sternly. “Stop saying that. Stay here with me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. I couldn’t say the words, but I could think them. I had to think them. I couldn’t bear it…
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
But it wasn’t my own voice I heard echoing in my head.
Alex held my exhausted and aching body cradled against his chest. I cried silent tears, my fingers curling into his white coat in a desperate attempt to cling onto the only kindness in my world. The disgust I’d once felt for him was utterly absent. I needed him too desperately.
“You did very well today, Natalie,” he told me.
I shivered at the praise, basking in the kind words.
“I think that you’re ready to resume your training,” he announced. “Our sessions could be over. Would you like that?”
I nodded vigorously, my voice too raw from screaming to manage to speak.
“Good. I’m very pleased with you, Natalie.”
A warm glow pulsed in the center of my chest.
“If we’re going to be working together, we should put all this negativity behind us and move forward. Don’t you think?”
I nodded again, ready to agree to anything if it meant the torture would stop for good.
“I’m going to give you a tool to help you feel better. Daffodils are your favorite flower, aren’t they?”
I blinked, surprise threading through my desperation. “How do you know that?” I croaked.
“They were on your casket at your funeral.”
I shivered and clutched at him more tightly. He rubbed his hand up and down my back, comforting me.
“I’m going to give you some homework. There’s something I want you to memorize. Do you know the poem I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud?”
“I… I think I’ve heard of it,” I said tentatively, not understanding this new line of questioning. It seemed almost conversational, but Alex always had an agenda.
“I’m going to recite a few lines. I want you to close your eyes and listen. Visualize the words.”
I closed my eyes, obeying immediately.
He began to recite.
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze…
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
“Can you see it?” he prompted.
I let out a shaky sigh. “Yes.” The cheery yellow flowers filled my mind, their delicate scent wafting around me. It was so much nicer here than in my dark reality. I never wanted to leave.
“Good,” he said softly. “I want you to keep visualizing it. Say the lines out loud. Repeat them. Don’t stop until I come back.”
He laid me down on my cot, but I kept my eyes closed, murmuring the words as I remained firmly in my fantasy. I wasn’t even aware of the hated sound of my cell door clanging shut. My world was bright, the sunlight kissing my skin for the first time in longer than I could remember.
Someone pinched and rolled my nipples, calling me out of my reverie with a bite of pain. I shuddered and sobbed.
“No,” I protested on a horrified groan. “You said it was over. You said I didn’t have to anymore. Please, Alex.”
“Who the fuck is Alex?” The question was a barely intelligible snarl, and the arms holding me tightened around my body.
I froze, trying to make sense of what was real and what was memory.
“Jason?”
Chapter 23
Jason
Natalie trembled in my arms, tears streaming down her face.
“Who is Alex?” I demanded again, struggling for a calmer tone. Whoever he was, it was becoming clear that he was the man behind her nightmares.
“My… my handler,” she whispered brokenly.
“He hurt you,” I growled, unable to keep my voice gentle when rage was ripping through my system.
She flinched. “Yes.” The admission was barely audible.
“Why do you work for a man who hurt you?”
“I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t…” Her voice hitched. “I couldn’t get back to you. He was going to…” She shuddered. “I couldn’t let him get to you.”
“Is that why you’ve been trying to run from me? Because you think Alex is a threat to me if he knows we’re together?”
“I know he’s a threat,” she said desperately. “You don’t know what he’s capable of. I can’t let him do that to you.”
My arms tightened around her. “Tell me.” I didn’t want to hear it, but I had to know. “Tell me what he did to you to make you leave me.”
She turned her face into my chest, hiding from me. “I can’t.”
“He’s not CIA,” I said. “You know that, don’t you? The CIA wouldn’t… wouldn’t hurt you,” I finished, not able to say the word I knew was true: torture. My sweet kitten had been tortured. They’d hurt her and kept her from me.
I had to know more. I had to know who Alex was and where I could find him.
He was a dead man.
“Who do you work for?” I pressed.
“Division 9-C,” she said, still not looking at me. “Oh god.” Her fingers threaded through her hair, tugging at the silken strands. “They’re not CIA. I knew, I had to know. But I… I convinced myself I was doing good.” She finally met my gaze, her dark blue eyes tormented. “What have I done? They’re not… They’re not good, are they?”
“No, kitten. They’re not. But we’ll find them. I have a contact at the Bureau, and she—”
“No!” she cried out, her fingers curling into my shoulders as she clutched at me. “You can’t go anywhere near Alex.”
“Don’t think for a second that I’m going to allow you to go back to him,” I growled. “You think you’re protecting me. You’ve been trying to protect me for five years by staying away. I won’t let you go again. It’s time I started protecting you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t keep you safe. I should have ripped apart anyone who tried to keep you from me.”
She touched my cheek. Impossibly, she had the strength to comfort me. After everything she’d been through. After I’d failed her.
“You thought I was dead,” she said softly. “Everyone thought I was dead. There’s no way you could have found me.”
“I’m going to find him,” I swore. “I’m not going to let him hurt you ever again. Come to the Bureau with me. Sam can find anyone. Now that we have the name of your division, I’m sure she’ll be able to track his location.”
“Please,” she begged. “You don’t understand. I can’t let him get to you.”
“I’m not letting you go,” I said fiercely.
She trembled. “I don’t want you to. I don’t want to go back to him. I’ll stay with you. But you can’t go looking for him. We have to arrange protection for you. Call your contact and launch an investigation if you want, but please don’t try to find him yourself. If Alex finds out I’m with you, he’ll hurt you to punish me. He’ll… He’ll break you.”
“No one’s going to break me,” I promised.
“That’s what I used to think,” she whispered, her eyes haunted. “But he can. It doesn’t matter what you do. Even your mind isn’t a safe place to hide. I thought I could escape what was happening if I thought about you. But he took that from me, too. He told me he’d bring you to me if I didn’t give you up. I couldn’t let him get to you. I couldn’t. That’s when I… I did
n’t last long after that.”
Her skin was cold against mine, and she started shaking violently, her teeth chattering. I held her closer to me, trying to warm her with my body heat. It didn’t seem to have any effect.
I pressed a kiss against her chilled forehead. “It’s okay, kitten,” I said roughly, willing my rage to subside so I could take care of her. My retribution could come later. No matter what she said, there was no way I wasn’t going to kill the fucker who’d hurt her. I’d tear him apart with my bare hands.
For now, I kept my hands gentle, rubbing away the chill that clung to her skin. Focusing solely on her, I forced back the violence that brewed inside me. I could unleash it on the man who’d hurt her later, once I’d taken care of my kitten. As much as I needed to punish her tormentor, Natalie’s wellbeing was the most important thing in my world.
As I petted her, the tight lines of fear around her eyes began to ease, and she blew out a long, shuddering sigh. Her skin warmed beneath my tender touch, and her nipples drew to hard, needy peaks. She’d flinched and whimpered when I’d pinched and plucked at them before, but that was when she was lost to her memories. I didn’t know what secrets were locked inside her head, what she’d endured that had kept her from me for all these years.
But whatever had happened to her, I could never allow her to fear my touch.
Carefully, slowly, I traced the soft swells of her perfect breasts with my fingertips. Her breath hitched, but her gaze remained locked on me. She arched her back slightly, silently inviting me to increase our sensual contact. I cupped her breast in my hand, savoring the weight and feel of her tight nipple against my palm. She let out a soft sound of contentment, and I continued to lavish attention on her breasts, keeping my other arm braced around her back so she was cuddled close to my chest.
Her head tipped back, offering her lips up to me. I moved with care as I slowly closed the distance between us, giving her time to flinch away if she wasn’t ready.
She didn’t flinch. But she was far too still as my mouth came down on hers. I shaped my lips around hers, gently coaxing until she opened for me on a soft sigh. My tongue dipped inside, testing. She returned a tentative stroke, and I explored more deeply, sliding my tongue along hers in a slow but firm rhythm. My cock stiffened, craving to claim her pussy the way I was claiming her mouth.
I continued the careful kiss as I moved my hand from her breasts, sliding it down her abdomen to tease at the upper edge of her curls. She’d panicked the last time I’d brought her to orgasm.
The way she tensed in my arms let me know she remembered it, too.
I pulled back just far enough so I could reassure her, my lips teasing across hers as I spoke. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I trust you. I love you.”
“Good girl.” I brushed a tender kiss across her lips and dipped my fingers lower, playing through her wet folds. “Stay here with me,” I issued a gentle command.
Her eyes flickered for a moment, but she drew in a deep breath and calmed, remaining focused on me.
“I’m okay,” she promised. She reached out and boldly directed my hand deeper, guiding my fingers to penetrate her slick entrance. “I want you, Jason. I want you, my Master.”
A soft, pained groan left my chest. I’d never thought I’d hear those words ever again. She arched toward me and boldly captured my lips with hers. There was nothing tentative about the kiss this time. She greedily drank me in, and I answered her intensity on a low growl, nipping at her lower lip before taming her tongue with mine. She shuddered and softened in my arms, but her hips rocked against my hand, welcoming me to stroke her with greater intensity.
I couldn’t bear it any longer. I gripped her hips and rolled, shifting our bodies so she was pinned beneath me. She spread her legs, wrapping them around my waist and drawing me toward her. My cock lined up with her pussy, and I entered her in one desperate thrust. She cried out, the sound tinged with pain.
I gritted my teeth and stilled. Fuck, she was even tighter than I remembered.
“I’ll be gentle,” I promised, running my fingers through her hair to reassure her.
Her fingernails curved into my shoulders, and her heels dug into my ass, driving me deeper.
“Jason,” she moaned my name. “Fuck me. Please.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I said, my balls aching as I held myself back.
“You won’t,” she promised. “I need to feel you inside me. I need you to fuck me, mark me. Like you used to do. I want you to make me yours again.”
“You’ve always been mine. You always will be. My sweet kitten, my Natalie.”
“Then fuck me, Master.”
I couldn’t hold back, not when she begged me so sweetly. Not when I needed to mark her as desperately as she needed to be marked. I shifted back slightly so I could grasp her legs, guiding them up so they rested against my shoulders. The position let me go impossibly deeper, and we both moaned as we were connected in every way possible. I captured her lips with mine again, and my fingers caught her wrists, pinning them against the mattress on either side of her head. She arched against me, rubbing her tight nipples against my chest as she mewled into my mouth.
I began to take her in harsh thrusts, withdrawing slowly before driving back in hard enough to make sure she felt an ache deep inside. She would feel me between her legs for hours after we finished. And when the sensation faded, I’d brand her with my heat all over again. I’d never let her forget who she belonged to ever again.
She panted into my mouth, drawing in sharp gasps when I gave her enough space to breathe. My head spun as I became drunk on her, my whole world centering on the woman in my arms. My Natalie. My kitten. She was alive and real and hot beneath my hands.
Mine.
The word rang through my mind as she screamed against me, her inner walls contracting around me as she came undone. My ragged shout vibrated into her mouth, my release triggered by hers. Pleasure rushed through my system in a tidal wave, ripping its way through my body. I thrust into her one last time, driving deep as my cum shot into her pussy, binding us together.
Both of our cheeks were wet, and I kissed at the salt on her skin, savoring its vital flavor.
“I love you,” she said, her voice slightly ragged from crying out.
“I love you,” I murmured, unable to stop myself from kissing her cheeks, her eyelashes, her lips. I had my sweet kitten back in my arms, and I was never letting her go.
Chapter 24
Natalie
I sighed in perfect contentment as Jason ran the brush through my hair, gently working out any knots he encountered. The stiff bristles massaged my scalp, and the slight tug with every long, slow pull made my eyes slide closed as I settled into bliss. After we’d made love, he’d taken me into the shower and bathed me, his hands worshipping my body as he cared for me. Now, he was brushing out my damp hair as he cradled my body against his on the bed.
I’d forgotten what this felt like: to let go and allow Jason to take care of me. I’d locked away the memories for so long, and even though they’d flooded back now, a memory couldn’t compare to the real thing.
Jason was solid and whole and real. Finally, after all these years, he was more than an abstract in my mind. I remembered him. I remembered our love. And I thought I’d burst with it. If I had any more tears left in my system, I would have wept from the joy that filled my entire being. As it was, I rested my head against his shoulder, rubbing my cheek against his bare skin as I breathed him in.
“Sweet kitten,” he rumbled. “Do you know how fucking perfect you are?”
I smiled and twined my arms around his neck. “Do you know how perfect you are?”
He grimaced. “Don’t say that. I’m not. I didn’t protect you. I failed you.”
I touched my fingertips to his granite jaw. “You didn’t know,” I said softly. “You couldn’t have known. I don’t blame you for anything. And I won’t let you blame yo
urself. We’ve been apart too long for this self-loathing to drive a wedge between us. I don’t want to waste any of our time together with grief. I want to be with you, Jason. Don’t you remember what I told you all those years ago? You’re not a failure. You’re not weak.”
“But he hurt you.” He couldn’t seem to say the words without snarling. “I didn’t stop him. He’ll die for what he did to you. I swear he will.”
I cupped his face in my hands. “Please. You can’t go after him yourself. Promise me you’ll stay with me. I’ve lived without you too long. I can’t lose you now.”
“But he—”
“I know what he did,” I said, more harshly than I intended. Now that the mental protection of my poem was broken, the memories of my torture were all too clear. “And I’m going to have to learn how to live with it,” I continued more softly. “I need you for that. Please, Jason. I can’t do this without you.”
Now that I was safely back in his arms, I’d rather curl up and die than lose him again.
“Okay, kitten,” he forced out after a tense moment. “I won’t leave you. But we’re going to the Bureau. Sam will help us dig up intel on Division 9-C, and that will lead us to Alex. He won’t be a free man for much longer. He’ll pay for what he did to you.”
I didn’t fully trust the steely glint in his eyes, but I’d have to deal with that later. I knew there would come a time when Jason would want to confront Alex. I just had to ensure that it never happened. Even in chains, I didn’t believe Alex would ever be powerless. He always had something nasty up his sleeve, and I couldn’t allow him anywhere near the man I loved.
“All right,” I agreed. “Let’s go in to the field office, then. We shouldn’t stay here for too much longer, anyway. We’re exposed without backup. I thought I could slip away from you and smooth things over, but now we’re going to have to get to cover before Alex gets to us. I’ve missed the meeting I was supposed to have with Moreno’s associate last night. Alex wasn’t expecting a call-in, but that doesn’t mean he won’t check my tracker eventually if I don’t make contact.”