by Jillian Neal
“Come on in.” She stepped back and gestured into the house.
“Uh, thanks.” He searched the cozy living room for Emily.
She appeared from the kitchen. Her eyes were almost swollen shut and her face was red from her sobbing.
“I’m so sorry,” Rainer pled.
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. Tears welled again.
“Why don’t you go on home? I’ll come over in the morning. We’ll go get coffee.” Fionna soothed. Emily nodded and hugged Fionna fiercely.
“He really does love you, so much. I can feel it.” Fionna whispered.
Emily shot Rainer a vicious glare that wounded him physically as if she’d just backhanded him. He wished that she would just hit him. He’d gladly trade physical pain for emotional at that moment.
She walked as quickly as she could to the Mustang. Rainer tried to reach for her once but she jerked out of his grasp.
“Do not touch me!”
“Em, what do you want me to say? I’m sorry! Please believe me. It was awful! I hated every second of today, and I never meant to lie to you. I was trying not to worry you.”
She raised her head with baleful fury burning through her disbelieving eyes.
“Emily, what can I do? How can I make this better? I’ll do anything! I swear to you. I didn’t want to go. I hated every second I was there. Ask Garrett. The whole thing was sick and disturbing, and I was going to tell you about the lawsuit.”
As he begged, he realized how utterly ridiculous it was to even ask someone to forgive you when you had spent the last week keeping things from them.
“And when exactly did you plan on telling me that you’d changed your will that I didn’t even know you had, and that you named Logan the person who gets the money, or whatever?”
“Yeah, the two Iodex officers who showed up at practice told me that was probably what prompted the lawsuit. What was I supposed to say when I didn’t know about that or the stupid lawsuit?”
“I hate you! I hate you for making me feel like this! I hate you for saying you’d tell me everything and then not! You lied to me! How can I ever trust you again?”
Her fury echoed off of the car windows and quaked in Rainer’s blood. It pounded against his skull. She’d always had a fiery temper. They’d had their fair share of fights, but she had never said she hated him.
“Emily, I know you won’t believe anything I say to you right now.” Rainer fought back the emotion that had his throat in its fierce grip. “And I don’t deserve for you to believe me, but just please, please know how sorry I am. I swear to you. Everything I did, I did to protect you, and I hated every moment of today. I was going to tell you everything tonight. I hate not telling you things. I’m just so sorry.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared up at the darkening clouds. Tears leaked down her face for the entire drive back to the farm. Rainer pulled into the garage and turned off the car. He eased towards her.
“Em, please look at me, just please.” He hesitantly pushed her hair behind her shoulder but was mindful not to touch her skin.
She cut her eyes to his with a hateful glower.
“I am so sorry for how awful this must have been for you.” He swallowed hard but refused to blink and break her eye contact. “Please believe me. It was awful for me, too.”
Thunder cracked ominously around them, and she was momentarily terrified. Rainer reached for her, but she backed away. It shattered his heart.
Suddenly, she bolted toward the house. Rainer raced after her, but was greeted with their bedroom door being slammed in his face.
Logan and Adeline were seated on the couch. “I, uh, made some soup and sandwiches.” Adeline offered. She gave Rainer a truly sorrowful look.
“Thanks,” he tried to determine what to do next.
“Hey, maybe you should just give her a little while. I mean I think this really shook her. You know?” Logan tried.
Rainer stared at their bedroom door. He turned the knob. She hadn’t locked it. He momentarily debated Logan’s advice, but shook his head and pushed the door open.
She was lying face-down on her pillow. He watched as her shoulders betrayed the shudder of her tears. He moved into the room and closed the door quietly behind him. He sat down beside her.
“Em,” he whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
She turned her head slightly and nodded.“I know.”
“Am I allowed to hold you?” He was afraid of her answer.
“I don’t know,” she drew a shuddering breath then with vengeance, she accused, “Did you hold anyone else today?”
The terror in her eyes was all that kept him from shouting, but he stood and walked away from her. He willed himself not to lose his temper.
“Do you really think I would do something like that?” He was unable to keep his anger at bay. She sat up and watched him pace. Finally he moved to stand over her.
“Emily, I love you and only you. I don’t have to go somewhere else to see attractive girls. I have the most beautiful woman in the world lying in bed beside me, and I would never ever do anything to jeopardize what we have.”
She stared up at him, trying to blink away the tears that flowed from her eyes. He sank down in front of her and wiped away the tears with his thumbs.
“Do you want me to tell you everything that happened? I will tell you every single thing, not leave anything out. I’ll even go get Garrett, so you'll know that I’m not lying or covering anything up.”
“No, you don’t have to do that. I guess I believe you.” She stated, but he knew she didn’t, not really. “I don’t even know what to believe. I really, really hated today. I never thought you would lie to me!” she yelled, the first statement that was the complete truth.
Rainer sat down beside her and started to put his arm around her, but thought he should ask first.
“May I please hold you, Em?” The hurt was clear in his tone. She shook her head vehemently but looked anguished. She did move so he could sit beside her.
“So, you didn't enjoy anything you did today?” The question rang with disbelief.
“No.” He held her eyes with his own and willed her to read the truth in them. Rainer knew there were several reasons she refused to let him touch her. The fact that she didn’t really believe that his hands hadn’t been on any other girl was most of her disgust, but he knew she didn’t want to feel his energy, and she didn’t want him to feel hers.
Emily’s internal Receiver’s shield was set firmly. She’d been hurt and was protecting herself, but Rainer had shared her energy so often, he might be able to penetrate her shield if he tried. She didn’t trust him enough in that moment to allow him access. She believed he might actually force his way in.
A while later, he emerged from the bathroom, still racking his brain as to how to reassure her. She was lying in bed, biting her lip nervously. He went to lie beside her, but made certain that he didn’t touch her. He didn’t think he could watch her jerk away from him again and not come unglued.
“I love you,” he whispered.
She looked at him quizzically before replying, “I know.”
She drew a deep breath, and suddenly she moved to lie on his chest. He embraced her immediately. The motion made him feel whole. Hope sprang in his heart. He wanted desperately to let her know that she was the only one, and that he would never keep anything from her again. He clung to her.
“I love you, too.” She moved away from him a moment later. She turned her back on him. She couldn’t do it. She didn’t believe him, and she couldn’t let him hold her. It was much too intimate.
A dozen emotions swirled violently in the pit of his stomach. She just couldn’t accept that his hands or his crotch hadn’t come into contact with any other woman.
She didn’t believe anything he said because he’d kept so much from her before. Hurt, anger, and heartbreak made a volatile cocktail as it coursed through his veins.
Cold and Alone
Rainer awoke in the middle of the night, cold and alone. He sat up and reached across the bed, only to find it empty. Concern flooded through him. He rose and glanced at the clock. It was nearly three in the morning. He clamored out of bed trying not to panic.
He crept out of their bedroom and into the kitchen. He stopped just before he stepped around the corner. He could hear Logan whispering.
“Em, I swear he did all of that because he loves you so much. He just wasn’t thinking. He knew you were freaked about everything that happened at the Arena last week, and he was trying not to scare you anymore.”
“He didn’t want to go to that stupid club. Garrett said he didn’t do or see anything. He stared at a table the entire time. He is crazy about you.”
He sounded like he had been saying these same things for quite a while. He heard her ragged breath and peaked around the corner.
She was huddled on the sofa, covered in a quilt, with her head on Logan’s shoulder. His t-shirt was wet under her face.
“Go back to bed. Wake him up. Talk to him. I can’t fix this for you, as much as I wish I could.”
She shook her head combatively. Logan glanced up and saw Rainer standing in the corner. With a sorrowful shrug, he got off of the sofa. Emily’s chin trembled. She was confused as to why he was leaving her. Rainer stopped him as he passed.
“Did she wake you up?” he whispered. He was devastated that she was so upset she’d gotten Logan out of bed when he was right beside her.
Logan shook his head. “I couldn’t sleep. I heard her crying in here.”
Rainer moved into the living room as Logan returned to bed. He knelt in front of her. With a harrowed breath, he touched her face.
“Em,” he whispered. He tried not to sound as defeated as he felt. “Emily,” he breathed again, “Is there anything I can say or do to make this better? I will do anything.”
She shook her head. “I’m fine,” she lied.
“You’re not fine, Emily. And it’s my fault and I’m going to fix this. Go on back to bed,” he moved so she could stand, “I’ll sleep here.” He draped the quilt around her shoulders and watched her pad back to bed.
He felt deflated and empty. A gnawing sense of loss settled on him, as he sank onto the couch.
A New Day
Rainer was silent for the entire car ride to work. Logan apologized repeatedly on Emily’s behalf, and thanked Rainer time and time again for going in his stead.
“Hey,” Logan gave up on Rainer and answered his phone a few miles before the exit for the Pentagon.
Rainer found himself listening but not really caring who Logan was talking to. “No, Rainer slept on the couch last night. She moped around until we left.”
Rainer assumed it was Garrett who had called. He listened with slightly more interest.
“I don’t care how young she is; she’s being a bitch.”
“Stop it now! Do not ever call her that!” Rainer spat furiously.
Logan’s mouth dropped as he nodded his understanding. “Okay, sorry,” he offered hesitantly. “Hey, Garrett, we’re almost there. I’ll see you in a sec, ok?”
After flashing his badge, Rainer moved behind Logan, not really seeing anything in front of him. Emily had walked past Rainer that morning, from their bed to the couch, once Rainer had gotten up. She hadn’t spoken. She hadn’t even acknowledged his existence in any way. Her eyes were swollen, hollow, and heartbroken.
The only person she’d ever trusted with her heart, with her delicate Receiver’s energies, had let it slip through his hands without thought. Her shield had forsaken her, and there wasn’t anything he could do to fix what he’d done.
He slunk to his desk and yawned. He hadn’t slept at all. His muscles ached with the pain of raw desolation.
Garrett and Logan shared a concerned glance, but Rainer did nothing to try and look like he wasn’t miserable.
Vindico emerged from his office and ordered the members of the Wretchkinsides taskforce inside.
With a dejected huff, Rainer followed Garrett inside. He leaned back against the wall simply too tired to do anything else.
“Well, I owe you all a big apology,” Vindico began, “And, Lawson, you were absolutely right, I guess I let the big picture cloud my judgment a little too often. I’m really sorry.”
Rainer was shocked at the fervency of the apology. Vindico studied Rainer closely for a minute before going on.
“Three of the five men you arrested had pending warrants in Mexico. The others are singing like songbirds. They’re hoping to stay out of Felsink.” Vindico grinned delightedly. Far too exhausted to feel vindicated, Rainer continued to listen.
“So, as a peace offering,” Vindico chuckled, “I want you three,” he gestured to Garrett, Logan, and Rainer, “To stake out a safehouse I got out of Flores. He’s new to the game and wasn’t feeling too loyal to Nic last night. It’s in the Highlands. Portwood and Ericcson will replace you at noon, and you can have the rest of the day off.”
“Thanks, man,” Garrett grinned.
“No problem. You earned it. Teach them the rules of staking out a house while you’re there, though.”
“You got it.”
With that, Rainer followed Logan and Garrett back to their desks. Before he could begin strapping on his shoulder holster and grabbing his badge, Governor Haydenshire came through the Iodex doors.
“Daniel, can I borrow Rainer for just a few minutes before you send him off to wherever it is you’ve got them going?” he requested, though everyone in the office was well aware that Vindico had no choice in the matter.
Rainer’s weary heart tried to hammer nervously, but only managed a few stuttered beats before it returned to its sluggish cadence.
“Oh, uh yeah, I suppose,” Vindico huffed, “Just leave whenever you’re finished.”
“Yes, sir.”
The Governor gave him a kind, soothing smile. He slapped Rainer on the back and caught his shoulder with a reassuring shake.
“We won’t be long.”
“We’ll wait for you out in the parking deck.” Garrett eased as he and his father shared an unspoken conversation.
Wise Counsel
“Sit down, son. I’d offer you coffee, but truthfully, right now you look like something much stiffer might be in order.” The Governor tried for a joke, but Rainer didn’t feel like laughing.
“I’m all right, sir.”
“That might be the biggest lie I’ve heard in my lengthy years as a dad, and believe me I’ve heard some doozies.” The Governor joined Rainer on the couch instead of sitting behind his desk.
“So, you’re not all right, and my baby girl is not all right, and I was kind of hoping that just because you turned twenty-one and moved out of my house that it didn’t mean that you were going to stop asking me for my help, occasionally.”
“I’m not really sure that you can help me this time, sir,” his heart lightened just a little as he stared into the kind, concerned eyes of the man who had raised him.
“Well, I appreciate your confidence,” Governor Haydenshire chuckled.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Rainer redacted, “It’s just I screwed up kinda bad this time.”
“I heard,” the Governor soothed. “Baby girl came up to the house after you left for work. She wanted Lillian. They always want Mama when something goes wrong, but I did get to listen in on the conversation.”
Rainer nodded his understanding. He tried not to let his heartbreak that Emily had sought out her mother show on his face. He couldn’t recall the last time Emily had been so upset that she’d gone to her parents instead of talking to him.
“Being an adult, well, honestly, son, sometimes it doesn’t seem to matter what you do, it just ends badly. I know how much you adore her, Rainer, and I know that the very essence of your energy is to protect Emily. I think you just might’ve gotten a little off track as to how to go about that.”
Rainer nodded and hope began to make a very timid return to hi
s heart.
“You already know this, and I’m certain you’ll correct it in the future, but I’d say you probably should’ve told Emily before you went to talk to Jack about naming Logan your beneficiary.”
“As much as she seems like she doesn’t want to talk about some things, believe me, son, she doesn’t want to hear that from Iodex officers who show up at the Arena. And, if I may, I’d say finding out that you’re going to be involved in a lawsuit that threatens half of your inheritance would’ve been worthy of waking my baby girl up.”
“I know,” Rainer agreed.
“And I know where Daniel sent you yesterday, and that you don’t want me to know that. I know that you saw things you didn’t want to see, and that you’re absolutely terrified of the pain you caused Emily, and that I might be disappointed in you. And I’d dare say that the thought of your old man seeing you in there yesterday, God rest his soul, has you just about sick, Rainer.”
There didn’t seem to be any reason to disagree with the truth, and the Governor didn’t seem disappointed, or even upset, so Rainer nodded.
He was desperate for something, anything that would help him. He had to fix what he’d done.
“If I tell you a story, Rainer, you think we could keep it between us? You can tell Emily if you want. I know you well enough to know that you’ve vowed to yourself never to keep things from her again, but I’d prefer the boys not know this.”
“Yes, sir.”
The Governor shook his head, as the memory seemed to form in his eyes. “About two weeks before Lillian and I were set to walk down the aisle, she showed up at my one-room apartment. The one I’d somehow gotten her to agree to move into after the wedding.”
Rainer smiled. The motion eased his soul and felt odd at the same moment.
“She, uh… she was sobbing.” Governor Haydenshire confessed. His voice turned haggard from just the thought of Mrs. Haydenshire crying.
“Why?” Rainer didn’t care that he sounded like a child being told some kind of fantastic tale. The man who sat before him, who had raised him, and who had been married for thirty-two years, was the only one who could help him. He knew in that moment.