by KD Robichaux
I walk into the living room and take a seat at the edge of the couch, doing everything within me not to start chomping on my nails like a bad habit. Finally, he appears, and I look up at him.
It’s been just minutes, and somehow it looks as if days of worry have gone by and his heart has become more devastated than before.
Xander makes a home in front of me, sitting on the coffee table. He doesn't look at me as he settles himself. Placing the scotch beside him and then resting his elbows on his knees, he runs his hands over his face before they end in mock prayer at his lips. Our eyes lock, and he speaks.
“I love you, Lizith, and you need to know something. What I’ve done is going to hurt you, but never doubt that I fucking love you.”
I lean in closer, hanging on his words. “I love you, too, Xander.”
With one last draw of a deep breath, he begins. “We were not happenstance. You and I were a sick game, and I was the one holding the dice.” I shake my head, not sure what he means. “Let me speak. Do not interrupt.”
I nod and bite at my lip nervously.
“I didn't want to go with you to see your dad, not because I was worried about the fact that we used to work together. It was because he fucked Jacqueline.” I shake my head, bewildered, almost certain I didn't hear him right. “Your father was the man she left me for, right before we met.”
My eyes close and I almost laugh. He can’t be serious. This isn't real. This is all part of some sick game, right?
“Don’t look at me as if I’m fucking with you. I’m not, Lizith. Your dad is the reason I picked you. You were a pawn in my game to get back at my wife.”
“Jacqueline,” I say in a bone-chilling whisper, correcting him as my heart snaps in half and I start to spiral. I was a pawn?
“With Jacqueline. I wanted to hurt her and get revenge on your father. I wanted him to know I was fucking his little girl and destroying her from the inside out.”
And just like he promised, his words strip me bare and rip me to shreds. My love didn't pick me because he saw me and knew I was meant to be his. I was just trash on a puppet string to him. I feel an army’s worth of rage muster then boil inside me, and I try to breathe through it. But how can I?
“Then I fell in love with you, because I realized you were always meant to be mine. I couldn't tell you then, because I was in too deep and I didn't want to hurt you. You were too young and still so fragile.”
“And now I’m just washed up and used to taking beatings from you? Used to having a broken heart at your hands?” I stand and he jolts back, surprised by my reaction. But I can’t help it. This is betrayal in the highest form. This is treachery wrapped inside deceit, and I feel as if I just lost a part of myself.
“Lizith, listen to me.” He stands and stalks toward my retreating back. He reaches me and grabs my arm, but I rip it from him, spinning on him fast.
“No! I don't want to hear more! You used me! Took everything from me!” I grab the glass vase on the table next to me in the foyer and smash it to the ground, screaming as I do. It’s violent and heartbreaking, and if we were back home, our neighbors would have heard it.
How could he do this to me? How?
“Little bird, please.”
“No! You can never call me that again! I hate you, Xander Stine! I despise you!” I turn to leave the cabin, uncaring that I have no shoes or my belongings. I am out of my mind and need to get away. The pain that flashes in his eyes is nothing compared to the pain I’m feeling. Nothing.
But the door doesn't open. No matter how hard I pull, and I try it over and over again.
“It’s an automatic lock. It can only be opened with the code.”
I stop, my spine tingling as my heavy breath becomes the only thing I hear.
“What is the code, Xander?” I turn slowly, my back hitting the door and my chest caving. I already know the answer. It’s all coming together.
“I’m not giving you the code. And before you break any windows, you won’t be able to. They are all double-paned—weatherproof—and cannot be broken.” He has his hands in his pockets as he stands stoic, proud, unfazed, and not one bit remorseful for locking me away.
“You did this so I couldn't run from you,” I whisper, my eyes widening as tears stream down my red cheeks.
“I knew you would try, and I refuse to let you leave me, Lizith. You don't ever get to leave me.”
Like that, I slide down the door until my ass hits the ground. I bring my knees to my chest and drop my head in defeat. Trapped and brokenhearted, all by the same man.
“Lizith—”
“Leave me alone. Please, just leave me alone,” I whimper, keeping my head low.
He kneels in front of me on his haunches and pets my hair, and I nearly cringe. “Fine. But you can’t leave, little bird. I will tell you everything when you are ready, but you are mine to keep here until you forgive me.” I sob with his words, and he stands. I watch his feet as he moves to where my bag and purse are. I lift my eyes slightly to watch him when I see him grab my phone.
“Dinner will be ready soon, and I will be keeping your phone, so you won’t be able to call for someone to come get you.”
I sob harder. Never did I think he would do this to me. Ever. Now, I really am a broken bird inside a cage. I am not connected to my love anymore, and that alone feels like death. I’ve lost my heart.
*~*~*
Xander
There never came a point in my time loving Lizith that I thought I would ever hurt her like I did tonight. I had planned to keep that secret buried as long as I lived this life with her, but Jacqueline didn’t give me a fucking choice. I had to tell her, and I had to do it this way. There’s something dark inside both of us, and if we don’t handle this without a way to escape, we will never make it out together. I have to lock my love up until she is ready to fight for us, ready to forgive me and everything I have done.
I take a sip of my scotch, stirring the gravy for the mashed potatoes and grilled chicken I’ve prepared for us. I have been in here for a half hour and have not heard her move from her place at the front door. I move the chicken onto the glass dish and begin to prepare our plates. When I set the table, I go to collect her off the ground. As I step into the foyer, I see she lies at the door, glass inches from her, circling her in all directions. Broken things surrounding my broken love.
I don’t say anything as I go to tower over her. She doesn't look up, but her face has gone stony, emotionless, devoid of anything. Her cheeks are stained red and her eyes are a darker color. I bend and pick her up in my arms to cradle her. She doesn't budge, just curls into a ball and digs her face into my chest.
I set her down on the bar stool at the marble counter then sit beside her and begin to eat, waiting for her to join me. She stares at her food for a moment, like she’s going to refuse, but her stomach provokes her. It growls at the scent of the tender meat, and she knows she needs to eat for our little one. Slowly, she begins to take small bites, never looking at me. I, however, watch her like a hawk as I eat everything on my plate. She’s so damn sad, and I hate that it’s all at my hands.
She leaves maybe a bite or two of her portions, and I decide that’s enough. Without another word, I pick her up once again and carry her up the stairs. She lets me bring her into the bathroom, and I set her on the counter so I can start her bath. I get it going, and when I turn to undress her, she is already standing there naked.
“Leave,” Lizith tells me, but I ignore her. I begin to undress, and as I drop one item of clothing, she does something that knocks me for a loop. Grabbing my shirt, she places it over her body and covers her skin.
“Undress, Lizith,” I warn her, but she shakes her head as she leaves the room. I drop my head and growl, growing frustrated, because I don’t know what the hell to do. We are like ghosts of ourselves, strangers even, and it’s not something I know how to handle. I’ve never been in love with someone the way I am with her, and I have never had to fight for it.
“Lizith!” I yell, still in my jeans as I leave the bathroom to follow her. I catch up to her once she makes it into the other bedroom, and I pull her to me. “What are you doing?” I spin her around to look at me.
“I’m getting away from you. It’s my turn.”
I scoff, shaking my head. “Your turn for what?”
She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks at me with no emotion. “My turn to treat you like you are nothing but a piece of garbage for me to dispose of.”
I instantly twitch, and just like she did earlier, it’s my turn to snap. “I never treated you like garbage, Lizith. I treated you like fucking gold!” I turn and punch the door as I exit. I need a minute; we need a fucking minute, because I’m feeling lethal and not opposed to making her submit to me, willing to use dangerous measures.
As I walk down the hall, I hear her scream. It echoes in the house, and you would think my hands were wrapped around her fucking neck and draining her life with the kind of noise she makes. I ignore it though, going into our room and slamming the door.
There are too many emotions coursing through me, and I don't know how to settle myself. Do I go to her and force her into forgiveness, or do I give her the damn silent treatment and the absence of me until she comes crawling for my attention?
I don’t know, and I’m starting to think I should just tell her it was all a lie and then threaten Jac to stay away.
I shower in scalding water, taking on the pain in hopes of relieving the anger in me, but nothing happens. And for hours, I lie in bed listening to the sound of my broken bird’s sobs. But I stay planted in bed, knowing I can’t tell her everything until she comes to me. I can’t fuck this up more.
*~*~*
Lizith
Betrayal often comes disguised in the form of love. Loved ones hurt you most, because they have the biggest parts of you and know the power they possess over you. And power is the true root of all evil. Not only do I feel like Xander betrayed me, but also my father. How could he not tell me the moment he found out? How could he have moved on with a woman like Jacqueline, just a few years after my mother’s death?
My mother was a beautiful, kind, humble woman, and Jacqueline is none of those things. But no matter how much I try to latch onto that for my own sanity tonight, I can’t help but come back to the way Xander played a part in this. The day we first met, I was hooked and knocked over with the idea it was all fate. I felt my soul intertwine with his. The whole time I looked at him with adoration and love, he looked at me like a challenge, a pawn to hurt those who wronged him.
I feel used. I feel ashamed and embarrassed, because I have spent the past several years fawning at his feet and doing everything I can to prove my love for him, even when he was nowhere in sight. All to keep him. What was it all for?
I lie atop the blankets, my body overheated from my rage. I stare out the window, watching the thick snowflakes fall slowly, and I know right away that come morning, we will most likely be snowed in. His plan all along. Xander wanted to trap me so I couldn't run, and an unfamiliar feeling rises within me. This is the first time I am not turned on by his need to claim me and keep me as his. Usually, his possessive actions would fuel my love for him, but I have nowhere to run at a time I want to hide the most.
I didn't give him more than a minute or two to explain anything, because once he laid out the basics, I was shaken to my core. I don’t know if there’s anything else he could say that would possibly fix this. Xander Stine may have spearheaded his own demise, and I’m collateral damage.
I finally let my clustered mind take me under, and I close my heavy eyes.
*~*~*
Just mere hours after my eyes shut, I am awoken to the strange feeling of being watched. And sure enough, when my eyes flutter open, Xander is sitting adjacent to my bed, in the corner of the room on the lounge chair.
His eyes are dark, and it looks as if he hasn't slept all night. He changed into black jeans and a light button up. The top three buttons are undone, and a glimpse of his tan chest with a sprinkling of hair is showing as he holds a tumbler of dark liquid in his hand.
“Good morning.” He is the first to speak, and as he does, I peer out the window, seeing there is no sun in the sky, just heavy snow clouds. Checking the clock, I see it’s 7:00 a.m.
“You’re drinking this early?” I don't know why I ask, or even care for that matter.
“The love of my life said such foul things to me last night. I’ve found it necessary to drink in order to drown out the sound of it on replay.” My heart cracks just a little bit deeper. No matter how hurt I am by all that I discovered last night, I do not hate Xander. I could never hate him, and I shouldn't have used those words against him.
“You didn't deserve that,” I admit, sitting up in bed.
“You don’t know what that did to me, Lizith.”
“And you don’t know what you have done to me… for years. That was a brief moment of weakness leaving me. You have had years of lies between us. Do not try to play the victim,” I scold, standing and moving to the en-suite bathroom. I need a shower. The air is cold now that my body heat has resumed its normal temperature.
“Lizith, stop being so damn hostile with me. We have to fix this, and you need to let me explain everything. This isn't fair.” He stands behind me now, his large frame crowding me as I start the bath and add the honeysuckle bath salts.
“You know, before you, I was normal. I had a beautiful childhood. I did normal things. Then I met you, and I changed for you. I started loving the normal less and less. My young adulthood became anything but simple. I spent years obsessing and losing sleep over you. I lost all my sanity to be with you. Because I believed from the moment that you touched me that I was the love you always wanted.” I bring my closed fist down on his chest. “You made me a hopeless lover, and then you stripped me of any hope I had left. I can’t look at you, Xander, and it absolutely kills me.” I back away again, so exhausted from crying.
I sink down to the floor at his feet and begin to nuzzle into him. “I broke over and over again until I was molded into what you wanted, because I had faith in you. And you lied. Since the moment I met you, you’ve lied.” I grow weak and tired, and I believe I’m falling into some kind of depression. I’m alone, and right now, he’s the only one I can cry to, and he so happens to be the very reason for my heartbreak.
“I did, but I had no fucking idea that the person I was deceiving was meant to be my fucking soul mate, little bird. You are my lifeline, and had I not picked you as revenge—and I know that is twisted, but had I not—you and I wouldn't have found each other.”
He pets my head, and I can see some sort of logic behind that, but that doesn't excuse everything else.
“Then why not tell me sooner? You could have told me that everything in our relationship was a lie far sooner than now.”
“Would it have made a difference?”
“Yes! It would have, Xander! I wouldn't have been so in love with you that I couldn't see past the deceit. Time builds more love and intimacy. It builds our foundation, and that was built on lies! You could have told me before you brainwashed me into this weak psycho!” I scream, sliding away from him and clinging to the claw-footed bathtub.
“I didn't brainwash you. I found you and set you free. You were always made to be this way for me. You think I’ve ever loved a woman the way I love you? Do you?” he leans over and screams in my face, and I take it, shuddering. “Do you think I ever loved someone enough that I would lock them away to force them to stay with me?” He crouches more, getting closer and closer. “Do you think I would ever let you fucking get inside my head and soul if I didn't love you? You fucked me up just as badly, little bird, and you can be mad at me right now, but I do not regret the fucking lie, because it made you mine. And I will steal you with lies and deceit, if that is how I get to keep you. Just like you stole me back! We are both sick and twisted, but don't ever tell me that I made you that way, when we both
made each other absolutely fucking savage.”
Xander leaves again, and like the past three times we’ve spoken, I scream. I’m spiraling down the deep depths of hell and I can’t control the downfall. I’m going insane. Cabin fever has sunk in, and it’s only day one.
Chapter 14
Xander
For twenty-four hours, we didn't talk. She locked herself in the bedroom and spent time screaming, crying, and sleeping. I checked on her when she finally slept, just to make sure she and our child were still okay. But finally, I forfeited the battle and decided to let her have some space, because whenever we go in calm like a couple of lambs, we leave roaring like furious lions in a battle over prey. I need to let her come to me when she is ready.
I have stationed myself downstairs in the study, drinking and planning my lessons for the following semester. But to say I got more than one lesson plan finished would be a lie, because I keep watching the clock, counting down the hours to the day we will have to leave. I swear I will extend the trip until the day she forgives me, even if that takes fucking years.
My phone buzzes in the drawer to the left of me, and I take it out. Seeing a message from Jacqueline, I grit my teeth, my once calm exterior bursting at the seams.
Tell her, or I will. Simple as that. Come back, or I will ruin everything you love. Including her.
“Damn it!” I grab the entire glass bottle of scotch and throw it across the room. Glass ricochets off the wall, and a piece clips my bicep. I don't even flinch, and it isn't a light scratch. blood starts to ooze out, and I let it.
I stand and start pacing in front of the cherry oak desk, the smell of liquor now permeating thickly in the air.
“Xander, you're bleeding,” Lizith says from the doorway, appearing out of nowhere. I look down at the gash and see a small sliver of glass still embedded in my skin.
“I’m fine.” I try to remove it and it burns so much, I hiss through my gritted teeth.