by Mia Clark
"Hey, what's wrong?" Ethan asks.
I'm crying, I guess. I didn't even realize it at first, but I'm looking up at the sky while holding Ethan's hand and I'm crying.
"I miss you," I tell him. "I don't want to go back. Maybe I won't. If I miss the first day, it's not so bad, right? I can stay, and..."
I stop after that, because I know I can't. I can't miss the first day of school, even if it's just final registration for classes and moving into my new dorm room. I can't stay here with Ethan, because he's got to go back to school, too. I can't do any of the things I want to do.
This is the first time in my life that I've ever really regretted being what Ethan would so aptly call a "good girl" because the things that I know I should be doing are the exact opposite from the ones I want to do.
"I miss you, too, Princess," Ethan says, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me tight. "It's cool, though. I'll call you when I get there, alright?"
"Who am I going to sleep with tonight, though?" I ask him, whining.
"Yeah..." he says, smiling a little, trying to be strong for the both of us. "Look, usually I wouldn't say this, and I only want you to sleep with me, but if you really need a sleeping partner, I'll make an exception for Ethan 2.0."
The way he says it sounds so serious, but what he's saying makes me laugh. "That's not even the same!" I tell him. "He's not as cuddly as you."
"You could strap him onto a giant teddy bear or something?" Ethan suggests.
I stare at him, conflicted between continuing to stare or rolling my eyes. "Ethan, do you know how weird that'd look? If..." I see my mom and stepdad standing in the doorway to the house, so I lower my voice. "If someone comes into my room and sees a giant teddy bear with a replica of your penis strapped to it? Um... that's kind of strange..."
"Nah," he says. "You just have to explain it to them."
"Explain what to who?" my stepdad asks, overhearing us.
My cheeks turn red. Probably redder than red, I don't even know. I can't see them, and I'm kind of glad right now. I bury my face in Ethan's shoulder and hug him tight, pretending I'm not embarrassed and I just miss my boyfriend.
"Just telling Ashley she should get a giant teddy bear so she'll have something to cuddle with at night," Ethan says to his dad before tossing me a mischievous smirk.
"Oh, that'd be nice, wouldn't it?" my mom says.
"I'll see if I can find one," my stepdad says, cheery. "I'm sure they've got them on Amazon or somewhere. I'll ship it right to you, Ashley."
"See?" Ethan says, grinning and trying not to laugh. "It's the perfect solution, Princess. Even our parents agree."
I am beyond embarrassed right now. If it was just about the teddy bear, um... well, yes, that's really nice, and it's nice that Ethan's dad would do that for me. But it's not about the bear! And Ethan definitely knows this. Yes, let's just have his dad buy me a giant teddy bear so I can strap the dildo replica of Ethan's cock to it?
Um... let's not and say we did. Or, let's not and... not. Nope!
My mom gets in the car and starts it up. Ethan's dad joins her by the driver's side, and they start talking quietly. Neither of them says it, but I know it's time to go. Time to leave, time to stop hugging my boyfriend with benefits, no more kisses, no more sneaking off during the middle of the day to play with each other in a sexy way. No more of any of that...
"Time to go," Ethan says, squeezing me tight and kissing me on the forehead.
"Kiss me for real first," I say to him.
"Yeah?" he asks.
"Yes," I say. "Please?"
He does, and it's the sweetest thing I've ever experienced. He presses his lips to mine and kisses me softly, his hands on my hips, holding me tight to him. Then he moves his hands up, cupping my cheeks. I kiss him back, too. It's sweet at first, but I... I want more. This is the last time I'm going to be able to kiss him for awhile, so I think I deserve a little more, right?
Our tongues connect, teasing each other at first, but then joining into a sensually sweet dance. I hold him tighter, then...
Well, I'm about to go be a good girl at college, so I feel like I'm allowed to be a little naughty right now. A little naughty never hurt anyone, right?
I move my hands lower and grab Ethan's butt, then I squeeze him tight. I feel his cock twitch a little beneath his pants as he grinds against me unintentionally. Our eyes open at the same time and we look at each other with a mix of lust and laughter and love.
"Ahem!" Ethan's dad says, pretending to cough.
"Go, Ashley!" my mom says, cheering me on.
Ethan smirks at me. I laugh a little, but then I blush a lot. He lets go of me, but I kiss him quick one more time, and squeeze his butt again. When I finally move to head to the passenger side door and get in the car with my mom, Ethan swats at my butt, spanking me and sending a resounding crack of an echo through the garage. The acoustics in here are really pretty good, aren't they?
"You're lucky you two are going away to college. I'm a little more understanding today," Ethan's dad says with a silly grin.
"Oh, they aren't doing anything we haven't done," my mom says, waving away his feigned grumpiness. "Let them be young and in love!"
"Mom," I say, getting into the car and staring at her. "Really? You make it sound like we're hippies or something."
"There's nothing wrong with being a hippy," my mom says, matter-of-fact.
"I guess," I mumble.
"Stop being hippy-ist," my mom says, trying not to laugh. "I thought I raised you to be polite and open-minded."
"There's not even such a thing as being hippy-ist!"
"I won't allow intolerance of hippies in my car, young lady," she says, continuing her silliness.
"Alright, fine," I say, crossing my arms over my chest after buckling myself in. I harrumph for good measure, too. "Let's talk about peace and flowers and free love for everyone for the next two hours while we drive."
"Of course, dear," my mom says, nodding as if she's caught me in her trap. "If that's what you want, I'm more than happy to oblige."
I stick my tongue out at her and she sticks her tongue out at me back. Then we both start giggling at each other. I guess we're weird, but I love my mom and I like being silly with her. I used to think maybe she was the only one I could ever be silly with, but I like being silly with Ethan, too. Just in a different way, you know? Both ways are fun, though.
"You two behave," my stepdad says, pointing his finger at us. "Let's not have too much of that free love going around."
"Yeah," Ethan says. "No free love unless it's with me, Princess."
"You, too!" I tell him. "None at all except with me!"
"I won't have any free love without you, either," my mom says to my stepdad, nodding twice. "You don't have to worry about a thing."
"I'll give you all the free love you want when you get back tonight," Ethan's dad says to my mom, winking.
"Oooh my."
"Mom," I say.
"Dad," Ethan says.
"Seriously?" we both say at the same time.
It's nice. That's the last memory I have before we leave, too. Well, that and Ethan and his dad waving goodbye to me and my mom as we pull out of the garage and then head to the front gates of the mansion.
I'm on my way. Back to school, college-bound.
I'm supposed to be happy and excited, plus maybe a little nervous and anxious. I am, but...
I stare out the window, looking back towards Ethan until he's out of sight completely. I keep staring and watching our home until that's gone, too. I'm not sure what to stare at anymore, though.
"It'll be fine," my mom says. "I know it's hard, but you two are tough. I believe in you."
*** Ashley
"Do you remember this morning when you said Ethan had a look in his eyes?" I ask my mom while we drive. "A dangerous look, I guess? Um... maybe not dangerous, but you know what I mean."
We're driving on the highway now, but it's mostly quiet. There's not a lot
of big cities on the drive to my college, which is kind of nice. It's relaxing in a way, and it's easier to deal with things. It's easier to just lean back, look out the window, and forget. It's nice.
"Yes," my mom says. "Why do you ask?"
"I think that if Ethan had that look in his eyes, I must have had it, too," I say, before I can convince myself not to say it.
"Yes," my mom says, laughing. "I think you did."
"Why'd you just say Ethan had it, then?"
"If I said both of you had it, I don't think I could have ever pulled you two away from each other," she says, grinning. "I'm sorry you didn't get to spend as much time with him this morning as you would have liked, though. I hope last night was eventful enough for you?"
She's prying is what she's doing, and I don't have to fall for it. I can just tell her that, nope, we fell asleep and... I mean, we did fall asleep, but we didn't fall asleep right away, that's all.
"It was fun," I tell her, cryptic.
"That's it? Just fun?" she asks.
"Yup," I say. "It was nice watching a movie together as a family and having the dinner celebration. All of that was fun."
"Ashley," my mom says with a sigh. "You fell asleep during the movie. Do you even remember what happened?"
"A lot of stuff," I tell her. "There was all of the stuff in the beginning, and then everything that happened in the middle, which all led up to the end. A whole lot of stuff."
"I'm glad you're not going to school to become a movie critic," my mom says, teasing me. "I'm not sure you could make it into a lucrative career."
I laugh and roll my eyes at her. "Alright, so I fell asleep, but I still liked it!"
"Are you and Ethan going to be alright being away from each other?" she asks me. "You two didn't fight or anything, did you?"
"Um, no? Why would you ask that?" Were we supposed to fight?
"I was just curious. It happens sometimes. Did I ever tell you that your father and I nearly broke up over something like that? It was foolish, and we were only arguing because we were upset over things beyond our control, but... that's how it is when you're younger, I guess."
"No, I don't think you ever told me that," I say, quiet. We don't really talk about my real dad much. It's been a long time.
"I was just going to say that if you did end up fighting, it was probably just because of misplaced anger," she says. "Sometimes when things happen that are beyond our control, we lash out, and it's easiest to lash out at those who are closest to us. I don't think you've ever really been like that, but..."
Ethan has. She doesn't say it, and I don't think she'd ever say it, but I know it. That's how he used to be. Maybe it's still how he is. I don't think so, and I don't want him to feel like he has to lash out at anyone for any reason, but they're his feelings, not mine.
"No, Ethan wasn't upset, either," I say. "We, um... he gave me a gift last night." One gift! I'm not mentioning the other one, despite the fact that I made sure it was packed away this morning and it's definitely on my mind.
"Oh?" my mom asks.
"Uh huh," I say, then I hold out my hand to show her the ring. "He says it's a promise. Like a promise ring, but not quite. It's just a promise that this is real. Our relationship is real. It's not just, um... you know..."
It's not just for a week. It wasn't just a fling. We didn't just spend the entire summer together only to go back to college and go our separate ways. He's not just my stepbrother anymore, he's my boyfriend, and he's special. We have more.
"It's very nice," my mom says, smiling. "Well, I'm glad I was worried over nothing. You two really are cute together, you know?"
"I know!" I say, being a brat.
My mom laughs and shakes her head at me. "Cute, Ashley. Real cute."
We don't say anything else for awhile. The car radio is on low, playing a song I don't know the name of. I press the button to roll my window down a little and listen to the whistling wind soaring past us. My hair flutters from the rush of air. I almost feel like I can fly, except I'm missing a wing right now. Ethan has the other one. We can fly when we're together again.
We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.
That's a quote by an Italian writer named Luciano De Crescenzo. I don't know a lot about his writing, but I found that quote one day when I was doing research for an essay, and I think I'd like to read more. I thought it was beautiful the first time I read it, but now I feel like I really understand it. Now it's even more beautiful to me.
It's just...
"Do you think we can do it?" I ask my mom. "Do you think Ethan and I can make this work?"
"Long distance, you mean?" she asks. "I think you've both proven this summer that you can make a relationship work."
"Yeah," I say. "I meant long distance."
"It would be easy for me to say yes," my mom says. "But... what are you worried about, honey? Is there anything in particular you aren't sure of?"
"I guess?" I say with a shrug. "I don't know, just... we were always close this summer. We could be close whenever we wanted. Just small simple stuff, too. I could give him a hug or hold his hand. Not at first, I guess. Not before his dad found out. Even then we found a way to spend a lot of time together. Now I won't be able to actually be with him until the weekend, and... what if it's hard? It's easy to say that we'll visit each other on the weekends, back and forth every other week, but what if we can't do it?"
"I'm sure there'll be some weekends where you can't," my mom says. "You'll end up staying at school, or if you want you can come home for the weekend, and that's alright. It's not going to feel good, but there's ways around it. Sometimes you just have to distract yourself. Sometimes you have to do things just for you, without anyone else. Or you have to spend time with other people. It's good to get a fresh perspective now and then."
"Um... Mom?" I don't know how to say this to her.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asks.
"I... I don't really have a lot of friends at school..."
"You can make some friends," she says, smiling at me and reaching over to pat me on the knee. "It's not that hard, is it? You made friends with Caleb and Scarlet this summer, didn't you?"
"I guess so," I say, mumbling. "That was when Ethan was around, though. And you and his dad, too. It just seemed easier."
"Making friends is never easy," my mom says. "It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, and it's something you end up doing over and over again your entire life. I'll tell you a trick, though, alright?"
"Sure?"
"The trick is..." she says, waiting. "You just go up to someone, you say hello, and you introduce yourself. It's as easy as that!"
"So... Hi, my name is Ashley?" I laugh, because I'm pretty sure no one does that.
"Exactly!" my mom says. "Just with a little more confidence and a little less questioning."
"Mom, people don't do that," I tell her. "That's really not a thing anyone does. Everyone will think I'm weird."
"Here's another secret," my mom says. "Shhh, don't tell anyone this one. It's the most secret of secrets."
"Alright," I say, but I really don't have high hopes right now. Her last secret wasn't that great. "What is it?"
"The secret secret is that everyone's nervous the first time they meet someone. You'll be nervous, but the other person will be nervous, too. Once you realize this, it's not so strange to just go up to someone and say hi and introduce yourself. It might seem weird at first, but they'll think you're so confident and amazing that they won't think it's weird at all."
Alright, so maybe that's actually a good secret, but I don't know if it's true.
"Really?" I ask her.
"Yes," she says.
And that's it. Just her saying it makes it true to me. I know I should probably question this, or, um... do research or something? I'm smart, and I get good grades, but none of that stops me from believing my mother when she guarantees me that something is true.
It's kind of like how when you're sick, and your mom brings you homemade soup, and tells you to eat it because it'll make you feel better? It always makes me feel better, no matter what. No matter how sick I feel, my mom's soup always makes me feel good.
I feel better now, too.
Hi. My name is Ashley.
*** Ethan
Yeah, so... this is awkward?
That's not really a question. This is actually awkward. I didn't think it would be, but what the fuck do I know? I've never done this before.
My dad's driving me back to college, which is supposed to be all cool and fun. I packed up my stuff after Ashley and her mom left. It's not like I have a ton to bring with me. I can get whatever else I need on the way there. We even scheduled ahead with a local furniture company and the school so that they could deliver my stuff before I even got there.
Perks of being a rich kid, I guess. Whatever. I'm not going to complain about it. It's nice and my dad offered, so why not?
Unlike Ashley, I've got a dorm room to myself this year. Another perk of being a rich kid, but it also has something to do with the fact that I've got a football scholarship. I mean, yeah, anyone can just get their own apartment around campus, so it's not that exciting, but it's just a nice extra thing.
Basically I won't ever have to explain myself to anyone and I can do whatever the hell I want to do when Ashley comes over every other weekend. Another perk, but this one is entirely all mine. Fuck yeah.
I just stare out the window and think about this stuff while my dad drives. That's why this is awkward. What are we even supposed to talk about? How the fuck should I know?
I'm pretty sure I can't tell my dad that I'm kind of upset I didn't get to have sex with my stepsister this morning. I know he knows what we do, but we just don't talk about that stuff. That's a hard limit for us, I guess.
"Are you excited?" my dad asks me out of the blue. "Sophomore year of college. It's the beginning of the best years of your life, or so they say."
"Oh yeah?" I ask, cracking a smile. "What about Freshman year? That wasn't so bad."