“I was very disappointed in you, Kelsha. You betrayed my orders and my trust and you killed me, but I can't say I would not have done the same given the chance. The thing I realized after you left Heren with me is that we are so much alike. It's like destiny for us. We belong together, Kelsha. I know that, you knew that, but I was smitten with Annie and missed what was right before my eyes. I have paid dearly for my ignorance, Kelsha. We will be great together, don't you think?” His tone was unsettling to Kelsha. Jax never spoke so softly, so lovingly to her. She knew that was Heren coming out from somewhere inside Jax.
He was coming closer, and her skin was beginning to crawl with excitement. The more she thought about it, the more intrigued she became. This was essentially a hybrid of Jax and Heren, the two men who could equally drive her wild in completely different ways. Jax was dangerous and that excited Kelsha. He was a challenge to her. He kept her guessing and always on the brink of fear. Heren was sweet and loving to her. He doted on her and gave her everything her heart desired. Both men were unbelievable lovers, and together they made a very handsome man indeed. Jax's insanity and constant hunger for power would be unbeatable paired with Heren's intelligence and quick wits. Yes, this could suit her very well indeed. She would need to be careful with Jax, as he really shouldn't be fully trusted, but she had never fully trusted Jax.
“How do I know you won't slit my throat while I sleep?” she asked cunningly.
“You don't know, that is part of our excitement, isn't it?” he replied with a sharp edge in his tone that was Jax to the core.
He took a full step closer and this time she didn't step away. He came close enough for her to feel his breath on her face. It was icy cold and caused her to shiver. He lifted her chin gently so she could look into his eyes. They were the same as she remembered, dark and mysterious, and dancing with the thrill of danger. “I promise not to slit your throat while you sleep, Kelsha. If the time comes that I need to kill you before you kill me, then I promise to do it while your eyes are open. I hope it never comes to that. I hope we can be successful partners in life, in the war you have started, and most of all in bed.” The last words came as a whisper, and before she could respond, his lips were on hers, kissing her fully and with passion.
She tried to protest to no avail. He knew he turned her on. Both Jax and Heren knew her too well. She kissed him back and pressed her body to his. His breath had been cool, but his body was on fire as she ran her hands up the back of his shirt and back down the front. She caressed every muscle, slow and deliberately. He pulled the front of her dress apart easily, and she felt the cold air assault her breasts as her nipples hardened.
The further she went with this hybrid, the more her mind screamed at her to stop and the more her body begged for more. He laid her down on the snowy ground, causing her fragile flesh to tingle and erupt in a million goosebumps. She felt the heat from his body as he laid himself on top of her, pushing her deeper into the cold ground. Her body began to shiver, and she didn't know if it was from the cold or the excitement. As though he could read her mind, he slipped his arms around her and rolled her on top of him.
She teased every part of his body with her tongue and fingers until she finally mounted him and rode them both to ecstasy. When she was fully pleasured, the magnitude of the situation slammed her heart as her chest tightened, squeezing the air out of her lungs. She quickly rose off of him and fumbled for her tattered clothing, trying to cover herself. She could hear his mind laughing at her, causing the clamp around her heart and lungs to squeeze down just a little tighter. She was thankful that he couldn't hear the insanity screaming through her own mind.
He finally rose as she was covering the last bare patch of skin. He stood stark naked and stared at her as though trying to decide what to say next. She let herself peek inside his mind and was surprised to find he was confused by her reaction. She didn't offer a goodbye when she turned to flee. She didn't get far when he grabbed her from behind and spun her around to look at him. He was still naked, standing there in the bitter cold, his mind confused and hurt, and his eyes puzzled and looking for answers.
“Where are you going? Were you not satisfied by me?” he asked, hurt woven in his deep voice.
She sighed, unsure what to say to him. She didn't trust herself with him. This was a perfect blend of a man she loved sweetly and a man she loved with a vengeance. Heren was her perfect balance while Jax was her exciting recipe for disaster and while she caught glimpses of Heren here and there, this man was predominantly Jax. She was better off on her own. She didn't need a man to hold her hand. She had planned her victory and was so close to executing her plan. She didn't want Jax, or Heren, or whoever he was to screw up her plans. At the same time, she wanted this hybrid badly. Her heart screamed for him. Her body ached for his touch, yet her mind told her no. How could she explain to him something she couldn't explain to herself?
“I was satisfied, uhhh, who should I call you?” she asked, unsure if she was speaking to Jax or Heren.
“Who do you want me to be?” he asked coyly.
“I'm not playing here. I am confused. Who the hell are you?” She spat and he flinched slightly.
“It's Jax, I have parts of Heren, but I am still me for the most part,” he said.
“Okay, Jax,” she began. “Look, I don't know what to think right now. He was a perfect balance for me. He was good where I was bad, and that is why we worked together. You and I were like acid together. We loved in our own way, but we carry too much hate to let ourselves to truly be vulnerable to each other. I have great plans for my future. I have worked hard, planned a perfect fight, trained the perfect Specials and I cannot let my feelings for you get in the way of my ultimate goal,” she finished, slightly breathless.
“I will help you, not distract you. We want the same things, Kelsha. We want to see the Levannahs suffer. We want to be the ones the Specials of Neveah look to. We want the power. I know that now. I should have known that before, but I was blinded. I will not be blinded again,” he promised, and for some reason, she believed him. She never really trusted Jax, but this man was different, yet the same. Maybe it was the bits of Heren peeking through that allowed her to trust Jax's words.
His hands were still gripping her shoulders. His eyes never left hers, and his body was still warm in spite of the blistering cold. She disregarded her mind, and followed her heart, and prayed she wasn't making the biggest mistake of her life. She reached her arms around him, cupping his warm flesh in her hands and said, “Go get your damn clothes on before I take advantage of you again.” He stood staring at her. His gaze never left hers even when her hand traveled around and was held firmly to his penis. She felt it grow large and hard beneath her touch and was pleased at her ability to excite him so easily. “Please, Kelsha, take advantage of me,” he begged, and she obliged.
~Chapter Thirty-Four~
Since the moment I asked Fionna to stay, I had to make clear attempts to accept her as the woman who brought my child to me, and not the woman who made love to my husband. I truly believed her when she said she was remorseful and wanted good in her life. I felt I owed it to her to give her a chance. I couldn't deny her charm. In the few days since her arrival, she made herself a helpful fixture of the Levannah house.
My meme thought she was terribly sweet as did my Aunt Viv. Denali found her willingness to share Kelsha's secrets her best quality and had no qualms about hounding her intensely. Even the palace guards were smitten with her, often arguing over the one that would 'win her heart.' I didn't have the heart to tell Renny that she was clearly as smitten with Diallo as he was with her, and she made no move to choose a brother either. She was sweet, intelligent, funny, and beautiful, which I knew bothered me greatly. I also knew of her power of persuasion when she physically touched a being. I couldn't deny that her good reputation around the house was from her, not her gift.
After the death of my papa, who rested in a tomb awaiting a proper memorial that would not hap
pen until the fight was won, I spent every waking moment with my baby. I retraced every line of his little body, which I noticed had grown considerably in his time away from me. I held him until my arms ached, and slept with him snuggled up next to me. I knew I would need to find a place to hide him safely when we went to find Kelsha. I knew that day was coming sooner than I would like. I just wanted those few days with my boy.
On the third day, Vivianna came and took James from me, ordering me to shower and change. I met her with great resistance at first, but relented when she proceeded to tell me that I had a terrible odor that was causing people to complain. I sniffed my body and didn't find it that offensive, but knew I needed to clean myself. Though I had made an appearance at different family meetings the past few days, I had locked myself away with James and was happy with that.
My time of bliss was over, as I knew it would be. I handed my boy over to Vivianna's capable hands and made my way into the bathroom. I stood under the running water, trying to figure out where to go from here. I knew Denali had been questioning Fionna, but I had some of my own. I decided to find her once I was clean and dressed. Once my mind was set on a clear path for the day, it wandered back to the day Shep had shown up here, vowing to help me get my mother back. I watched him watch me shower, dry off, and feign shock at having found him in my bathroom. I watched us make love, and I felt myself begin to cry.
I forced my tears away along with thoughts of Shep. I stepped out of the shower, half expecting to find him there again, and felt a strange mixture of relief and disappointment when I saw that he wasn’t. I had thought about my reunion with him a million times, each time was different, but each time I forgave him. There was too much holding me back in reality, to run to him with open arms. I hoped my talk with Fionna could help clarify some things for me.
I found her in the garden being courted by Diallo and felt guilty for interrupting. She looked really comfortable here, with him, as though she had finally come home. I stood on the garden's edge, wanting badly to speak to her, but at the last moment, decided it could wait. I just couldn't interrupt her moment. Granted, deep down, I wanted her to find love in another man that would make her happy. Maybe then she would stay away from Shep. Selfish, I know, but human nonetheless.
Just as I was turning to leave, I heard Fionna call my name. I turned to see her coming toward me, a smile plastered across her lovely little face. She was glowing with happiness. A small part of me wanted to slap the happiness off her face. It contrasted deeply with the sadness that radiated through my own soul. I suppressed the urge and scolded myself for the thought. She couldn't help her happiness. I moved toward her, forcing a smile. “Hello, Fionna, I am sorry to bother you,” I said.
“Oh, you are no bother to me, Lilly,” she replied, her voice dripping with sweetness.
“Hello, Diallo,” I said in greeting and noticed his cheeks flush.
“Hello, Lilly. I will be on my way,” he replied, and I felt responsible for the disappointment I heard in his words. I was already there, though. I had her attention. I had to speak to her.
“I was hoping you could answer a few questions for me,” I said, and she shook her head in response.
We both walked to the stone bench that was nestled amongst thousands of flowers and bushes. All of varying colors. The garden was mystical in its own right. The aromas gently caressed the sense of smell, instantly relaxing the mind and body. A few Promotory scuttled away, not wanting the disturbance of humans.
We sat there in silence for a bit, taking in the breathtaking colors, as the flying night lights provided us with a soft glow. I couldn't stand the silence anymore. I was bursting at the seams, needing to know the very information that would tear my heart apart.
“Fionna, I know you were following orders when you posed as Shep's wife, but I have to know, did you love him? Do you still love him?” She looked at me, sorrow in her eyes, unsure of how to respond.
“I thought I loved him,” she began. “He really is an amazing man, as you are well aware of, but now I realize I was more in love with the idea of being with a man, rather than being in love with the man.”
“Were you happy with him and was he happy with you?”
“I was happy with the illusion of being married, yes. Shep was happy as well, but he was happy with the life Kelsha and I built for him.”
“I have never been intimate with a man other than Shep, and I am having trouble dealing with the fact that he was intimate with you.”
“I'm not sure what you want to hear, Lilly.”
“I want to know if you fit together, physically. I know he was disillusioned, as were you in a sense, but you made love to him. It's naïve, I know, but I just always thought Shep only 'fit' with me, like we were made for each other.”
“You want complete honesty, right?”
“Of course, I need complete honesty.”
“Well, Shep was very loving in bed. I thought we had real chemistry. He was so open to me, willing to believe I was his wife. I think he felt guilty for not 'remembering' our life together, so he put every effort into making sure I felt loved by him. So, yes, sexually we were good together.”
I almost stopped her as it felt like her words were sharp knives stabbing into my heart. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, but pushed them back. I asked for the truth, and she was giving it to me. She had paused, searching my face for a reaction. I smiled and shook my head, encouraging her to go on.
“Well, I led myself to believe he truly loved me and I stopped infusing those feelings into him. I would touch him as me, not my ability. Kelsha never knew this. She always stressed the importance of making Shep 'feel' his love for me. That's when the dreams began,” she said, her voice nearly a whisper. She began pacing around the garden. The memories were upsetting to her as well.
“He began calling your name in his sleep. I would reach out for him, try to console him, and we would make love, only he thought he was making love to you. Then Kelsha sent him to the Ordinary World and I was furious with her. I knew once he saw you it would be over for me. While he was gone, though, I realized my feelings for him were a facade as well. I was in love with the idea of him, not him. Beyond that, I couldn't compete with you, Lilly. You were not even here. He didn't even really remember you, yet you haunted him. I knew his memory would come back and he would leave me for you. I was angry with him in the beginning, then with Kelsha, but mostly with myself. I realized that bringing James home to you could help me be good again. I didn't have to be evil. I didn't have to stay with Kelsha. I thank you for welcoming me here, Lilly. I know it is hard for you. Can I ask one thing of you, though?”
“What is it?”
“Forgive him! He has fought his way back to you, don't make him keep fighting.”
I wasn't sure how to respond. I desperately wanted to forgive him, but there was more than just his time with Fionna. The fact that he left me at all weighed heavy on my heart, regardless of his reasons, he left me.
“Yes, please forgive him,” said a voice that came from behind me. I knew the voice well. I had known it my entire life. I turned and saw him, standing there, magnificent in the light of the fireflies. He made no attempt to move toward me. I stood frozen. Fionna waltzed beside me and into his arms.
“Shep, you're all right! I am glad you are here. I have some explaining to do, but I think you have some to do first,” she said before kissing him in a friendly manner and vanishing into the dark.
We were alone. My heart was racing, and my knees shook under my weight. I had been waiting for this day for so long. I had thought through my different reactions, angry, grateful, happy, and indifferent. None of them included my freezing up and nearly falling over. I found my way to the stone bench and sat down. The shaking in my knees had now migrated up my entire body. He slowly came to me and the closer he came the faster my heart beat, the more my body shook.
He stood in front of me, his expression broken. “I see you have met Fionna,” he said
. The statement was blunt enough, but I could hear the hint of embarrassment in his voice.
“Yes, she brought my son home to me,” I replied with an emphasis on ‘my son.’ My voice echoed the pain in my heart. I tried to sound strong, but the pain at seeing him sliced through my will to be tough.
“He is our son,” he said, as if I needed reminding. I had no response.
He sat beside me, his thigh gently touching my own. I took a deep breath before saying what I had to say.
“I'm happy you are here, but I am so angry with you. I can forgive you, but forgetting may be beyond my control.” I felt his body tense beside me.
“I don't know how to apologize for this, Lilly. I am deeply sorry for everything. I wasn't me, you must know that.”
“I do know. I know all about your mind being erased and you believing she was your wife. I know Kelsha sent you to take James from me. I know you would never have done that if you were you. What I don't know or understand is how you walked away from me when I needed you most.”
“She said she would kill you, Lilly. I believed her. I felt responsible for your parents’ deaths and was ashamed to face you. I should have stopped her, but I believed in her. I left you planning to stop her and come back to you. In my wildest imagination, I never dreamed this would happen.”
“I know, Shep, but I can't stop the hurt. I want to so badly, but I just keep seeing you leaving me, and then I see you with her, loving her,” I said, choking out the last words. The tears were coming and that infuriated me. I wanted to stay strong, but I couldn't. I so badly wanted to be in his arms, but I couldn't let myself, not until he explained. I knew what happened, but I had to hear him say it.
“I never meant for things to go this far. I did believe Fionna to be my wife. I had no reason not to. I thought I loved her and I did my best to love her like a husband should, but you were always there, Lilly. I had been dreaming of you, not knowing who you were. When I came for James, I was shocked to see the girl in my dreams. I watched you night after night trying to understand how I could feel so strongly pulled to you without ever having known you. I came to your bedside one night and heard you say my name while you slept and though I knew it was wrong, I went to you. I am sorry for that. I felt like a common rapist after making love to you. When I returned to Neveah Fionna told me everything. I was still confused and had to figure out reality from imagination. I went back to your house in the Ordinary World and my father was there. He helped bring me back,” he finished, shame and remorse deep in his words.
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