by J. S. Luxor
I stared at pictures of her smiling face wondering what feelings were actually hidden behind her façade. She appeared so happy, satisfied and carefree. But something brewed deep in her psyche. Sometimes, while sleeping in our bed, she thrashed about from a night terror. I soothed her with gentle words and kisses. Perhaps I deluded myself into thinking that my love had healed her and made her whole.
She let me in on her guarded soul, I thought. Sometimes, after making love, she told me how safe she felt in my arms. On other occasions she held me and swore she needed me like no other man on the planet. I felt sure that my charms had melted her reserve. I was wrong.
Apparently, I never accomplished full entry into her life. The three little words that caused her to flee meant so much to me. When I uttered those words at last, with enthusiasm, I looked her in the eye. I expected to see her face alight with pleasure. Instead they initiated panic, fear and avoidance. She dashed my hopes, my dreams and broke my heart in that instant. She’s back, for now.
I quickly slip out of bed when I think of the wrenching pain I’ve suffered. I shower, dress and prepare to leave. I make a decision that any bright business person would; when they’re faced with a risky and uncertain investment. I must walk away. If I don’t, I’ll never recover. I leave Megan sleeping in my hotel bed. Checkout occurs at 11am. I head to the breakfast bar at a nearby café and text my therapist, Dr. Edward Stone. I hope to meet with him tonight for an intense therapy session.
Stone got me through the worst of my trauma over Megan’s departure. He helped me to accept that she left of her own free will. He guided me when I attempted to seek her out. Stone convinced me not to follow Megan and beg her to return. After I reluctantly accepted the end of our relationship, Dr. Stone explored my own past issues with abduction and abuse as a child. We spent months working on the emotional train wreck that I’d become in Megan’s absence.
Until our contact yesterday, I felt I’d come to terms with my situation. Once again, I realized how much I’d been fooling myself. As soon as her hand touched me I unraveled. The sparks between us stunned me. It didn’t take much on Megan’s part to ignite the fire in my psyche. A wildfire that still burns brightly for her. She’s my muse.
I head to my office and focus on work. That’s the only method that helps me cope with emotional pain. The hours fly by as I obsess over my latest acquisition. I’m studying all the financial angles, personnel issues and contracts with an intensity driven by anxiety.
By 6pm, I’m waiting to see Dr. Stone in his office. He fit me in after hours because of the urgency of my message. What I texted was: “Megan’s back.” That’s all he needed to know to determine that an emergency situation existed.
He greets me with enthusiasm and concern, “Matt, let’s hear all about Megan.” We sit in his office face to face as I explain the events of yesterday afternoon and evening.
“As I said, Stone. She totally floored me at the conference. I should admit that Megan ambushed me. She claimed that she wanted me, missed me even and her actions spoke louder than words.” When I explain her actions to Dr. Stone, I’m nearly convinced that she’s changed.
“So she sought you out at the conference, bedded you and promised you what?” He’s probing in a manner that makes me anxious. I’m anxious because I know he’s getting at the truth.
I sputter as I realize that she made no mention of love. “Well…no, Megan made no oaths to me.”
“Then you don’t know where this reconciliation is going?” His insights cause me to flinch.
“I walked out before she could tell me anything. However, I do want to know where she’s been, why she’s back and what she wants with me,” I assert at last with some confusion.
“You left her asleep in your hotel room. Does that mean that you weren’t ready to hear her explanation?”
“Correct,” I admit with a sigh. “Making love to Megan last night felt so right. It all happened so fast, though. I felt vulnerable in her presence this morning. I reminded myself of all the pain she caused me and just couldn’t find the courage to talk with her about it. Now I need to process my thoughts before I let my emotions rule.”
“How do you think Megan interpreted your absence this morning when she woke up?”
“I’m betting she’s confused and hurt just now. At first I thought I could simply leave and not pursue our relationship any further. I wanted to return to how I felt yesterday morning.” Which, by the way, was numb I realize. I’ve been sleepwalking through life this past year. Only Megan can make me feel truly alive.
Stone snorts. “Do you think that’s even possible at this juncture?” He looks incredulous.
I shake my head. “There’s no shutting the door again, after our amazing love fest of last evening. I can’t stop thinking about us, about her. I’m lost to her, Ed.”
He smiles knowingly. “You came to me to help you sort out your needs, thoughts and feelings. That’s a good sign, Matt,” he assures me. “Tell me what you hope for now with Megan.”
“In my fantasies, I dream that she’s come back after a year of therapy. I hear her apology and her promise that she’s faced her issues. What I most want to hear is that she’s ready to love me. That she wants only me. I know I’m asking for a lot.”
He looks at me earnestly, takes a deep breath and proceeds. “I think that would be expecting a bit too much. That sort of change in her feelings, after just one year, would be unbelievable at this juncture.”
I nod with regret. “I said it was a fantasy. That’s the best possible scenario but I know it’s not realistic.”
“Let’s start with where you are right now. OK?”
I agree to focus on the present. “I’m still madly in love with Megan. She’s all I want, dammit. I can’t lie. When she put her arm around me yesterday, I came alive in a way that hasn’t happened since she left. Her touch feels like magic.”
“Alright Matt, I get it. First, you need to know why she’s returned. Then, see if Megan can be consistent with her goals. Later, you can explore whether or not she’s truly ready to love and commit to you.”
“It seemed so real yesterday. When she was in my arms, she gave herself to me with absolute abandon. She wanted me badly and seemed like she couldn’t get enough. Megan’s never been so free with me before. Her guard was down last night,” I declare.
I’m trying to convince both of us that all is well. In my rational mind, I know it’s more complicated.
Stone looks hopeful for the first time since we began speaking. “Matt, that was one moment in time. Perhaps you’re correct and she’s different. Maybe Megan experienced an epiphany of sorts on her journey away from you. Give it time however.”
“It would kill me if I knew she slept with or had any sort of relationship with another man while she was away.” My imagination stirs and I feel devastated as I conjure up an image of Megan getting it on with someone else. She’s only mine.
“Matt settle down. Right now, just prepare yourself to listen to Megan’s story. Call her when you feel ready to hear it.”
I take a few breaths and nod my head in assent. “I can do that.”
“Once you understand her motives, then you can determine if her actions, over time, reflect real change,” he advises. Ed gives me the long-term view and it helps.
“OK, I agree. We need to talk about what just happened between us last night.”
“After your conversation with Megan, you should call me to discuss your reactions.”
“What if she wants to see me in person?”
“It’ll be much more challenging to have your discussion face to face because of your strong physical attraction to Megan.”
“I know you’re right, Stone. But, it’s hard when she seems so thrilled to be with me,” I groan.
“You know what my advice is, Matt.”
He stands to end our discussion and I leave, resolved to call her as soon as I can.
I drive to my place preparing myself, both physi
cally and psychologically, for our discussion. However, as I approach the driveway to my building I see her waving and beckoning to me from the outside door. I huff with a mix of frustration and excitement. My broken angel seems determined to see me. I’m more than thrilled.
I park my car and make my way to Megan. She’s wearing heels and an expensive leather jacket with tight fitting pants. I swallow my growing desire and concentrate on the questions that I want to ask her first. I focus on what Dr. Stone and I discussed.
She runs to me like an enthusiastic child and hugs me tight. I’m nearly breathless at our contact but I manage to keep from hugging her as well. She looks up at me with a pout.
“Matt you left me without a note or any warning this morning. Did our fantabulous connection last evening mean so little to you?” She knows how much it meant to me. I assume that she’s taunting me with the question.
Just the fact that she’s using superlatives to talk about our hookup makes my cock twitch with need. Fantabulous. I’m going to store that word away for future reference in my daydreams.
“Why don’t we go up to my place and talk about it?” I suggest while trying to keep some distance between us.
She nods her agreement. “Fair enough baby.” We ride the elevator together as the tension between us mounts. It’s taking all my control to avoid grabbing Megan and kissing her within an inch of her life. I’m already calling to mind some of the highlights from last evening. It’s killing my resolve to find out where she’s been and with whom.
Jared Rush, my security man, waits outside the elevator door as we exit. His look of concern mirrors my feelings exactly. “Can I help you with anything, sir?” He’s testing whether or not I want Megan near me.
I appreciate Rush’s protective stance in regard to my feelings. “I’ll call you, Rush, if something comes up that’s unexpected.”
I lead Megan to my living area and we sit facing one another on two different couches. There’s a distance of at least three feet between us but I can still feel her heat. The woman’s tethered to me, I swear. I breathe calmly for a moment before starting.
“Let’s start with a simple question, Megan. Where have you been for the past year?”
She dazzles me with a seductive smile then begins. “For three months, I couch surfed in Europe. Mostly in Western Europe. I returned to the U.S. as winter began and spent some time with my mom in Miami.”
“You stayed with strangers in strange lands?” I’m nearly aghast as I contemplate her reckless choices.
“The couch surfing turned out to be pretty reliable. The sites are well vetted and reviewed on the internet. On occasion I’d meet people at pubs and bars and they’d invite me to their homes for a few days.”
“Really? And how many of those people did you sleep with in exchange for a warm place to stay?” I’m stunned at myself for asking the question that’s been burning in my mind all day . I can’t help it. I’m a possessive fool when it comes to Megan. Dr. Stone wouldn’t be pleased with my performance at the moment.
Megan stares at me with a disgusted expression on her face for a moment before responding. “Don’t be like that, Matt. I’m certainly not a prostitute. You’re far too jealous.”
I shake my head to clear it before I continue. “Sorry, Megan. Where did you travel in Europe?”
“Oh, Matt, traveling freely around felt so exciting. I visited Britain, France, Germany, Spain, the Greek Islands, and Hungary,” she shares. Megan’s bubbling with excitement as she begins her tale. I’m more than envious that she didn’t invite me along.
“Why did you return after three months, then?” I persist in keeping to the theme of our meeting.
“I missed home and my mother. I wanted something familiar,” she admits and looks down at her hands.
“Why did you decide to visit your mother? She’s never been a source of comfort for you.”
I’m already treading into dangerous waters with Megan but I’m upset that she chose her mother over me.
“I needed to know more about my feelings concerning Abby. You know how conflicted our mother-daughter relationship was in the past,” Megan admits and looks at me with sincerity.
“Alright. What did you discover about you and your mother?” I can barely spit the words out. I’m a possessive fool.
“We’re quite different but I have a better understanding of her needs now. I can accept her for who and what she is, at this point. She’s not perfect and neither am I. We’ll never be perfect, but she cares about me,” Megan admits for the first time.
In the past, Megan remained bitter and angry about Abby. Her revelation surprises but also encourages me. She’s letting me into her heart and head.
“Did you miss me?” I’m already pressing my case and it embarrasses me.
“Of course, Matt. That’s why I’ve returned to Portland. I realize how much you mean to me.”
Her face appears earnest and caring. She holds her arms out to me. That’s all the encouragement I need. Without another thought, I’m off the couch and pulling Megan into my arms. I’m such a wus!
Chapter Three – Demons
Megan’s POV
I hold Matt in my arms and I can feel him trembling. He’s trying so hard to resist me and I understand why. He’s so sexy and gorgeous but he’s hurting from when and how I left him last year. I feel protected and happy in his arms. Making love with him rates as one of the highlights in my life thus far. Some would call it a self-actualizing experience. I call it the best fuck ever. What an amazing lover.
I know Matt loves me, body and soul. I want to feel the same way about him. For some reason, probably dating back to my childhood, I can’t surrender to that emotion. At least, not yet. Possibly, not ever. Matt’s arms pull me into a snug embrace and his soft lips kiss my head and face. He looks down at me with nothing but desire and love in his gentle hazel eyes. I could gaze into those eyes for a long time, and I do.
“What do you want from me, Megan?” His voice is hoarse with emotion as he asks a question that he suspects has a painful response. He’s so brave.
“I want to spend time with you, Matt. That means I want to give our relationship another chance. What do you want?” I look directly into his chiseled jaw and pet it as I speak.
The expression on his face tells me that he’s soothed by my words and actions. “My feelings for you haven’t changed Megan. You know that I’m completely crazy about you, of course. I haven’t been with anyone since you left.”
He makes his declaration sound like a defeat. I suspect he’s laid his cards out on the table today as a challenge to me. The last time he declared his love for me I bolted in fear. He’s testing me. I have no intention of bolting now though.
My body sags with relief. I can’t afford to lose Matt’s love. I need it to prop up my own self-esteem and to rebuild our bond.
“Matt I’m thrilled to know that you still care for me. I feared that you’d given up or that you’d gone back to your old BDSM lifestyle. Grateful doesn’t begin to cover how happy I feel right now,” I utter and look into his face with trust and affection.
“Megan how do you feel about me? I need to know or this relationship stops here,” Matt asks then pulls back from our embrace and crosses his arms. We’re now standing face to face with some distance between us. His face looks grave. He’s trying to brace himself and control the situation. I know what I say next determines our future. Therefore, I choose my words carefully.
“Matt, can you give our relationship another chance? I want you and us to work but I need some time. My feelings for you are strong and I care for you so very much,” I say then reach out and touch his crossed arms.
“Are you telling me that you don’t love me, Megan?” He pulls back from my touch and spits the question out with mounting distress. His eyes grow large and his forehead constricts as he stares at me with a forlorn look on his face.
“I feel drawn to you on so many levels, baby. You make me feel safe, happy, sex
ually satisfied, and cherished. Whatever I feel for you is the closest to love that I’ve ever had…for anyone,” I admit while looking into his eyes with what I hope is an earnest expression.
“I’m not sure that’s good enough for me. I need a full commitment from you, Megan.” He’s throwing down the gauntlet now. I don’t blame him for making these demands of me. If the situation were reversed, I’d do the same thing.
I take a deep breath before speaking. “I’m asking you to give me time. I think I truly can love and commit to you in a way that you need, eventually. That’s what I want.” I smile at him tentatively.
He sighs a bit and appears somewhat mollified. “I guess I don’t have much choice about how you feel. But, if there’s hope for us then…how much time do you need?” He’s really trying to meet me halfway.