by Loretta Lost
The phone rings a few times, and finally, my sister picks up.
“Hello?” she says into the line.
“Hey, Hellie,” I say in a friendly tone. “How are you doing?”
“I’m perfect, Carmen. It’s great to hear from you! I’ve just been having the loveliest weekend, relaxing and cooking burgers over a fire with Liam in my backyard. We’re camping out under the stars and talking all night.” Helen pauses. “How are you doing? I heard that someone had a crush on you and bought you flowers.”
I laugh lightly at this. “Well, it’s a long story. I… I don’t know where to begin, really. This has possibly been the worst weekend of my entire existence.”
“Oh no, Carm. Tell me what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know if I should, Hellie. You’re relaxing and having a good time with Liam. I don’t want to ruin your little vacation with my bad news.”
“Please,” Helen insists. “You said that we haven’t been close in years. I want to hear everything. I’m sorry that I haven’t called you this weekend—I’ve just been overwhelmed with getting to know Liam all over again, and learning all these things about myself and my life that I should already know. But you’re part of my life too, Carm. I don’t care if you weren’t before—you are now. Please tell me what’s going on.”
“Well,” I say quietly, “a few days ago, I went into extremely early labor and I lost my baby. So… yeah. That happened.”
“Oh my god,” Helen breathes. “Carmen! Why didn’t you tell me? And I’ve been roasting marshmallows and making s’mores while you’re going through this? I need to come home and see you.”
“No, no,” I tell her softly, as I drive slowly around the empty streets of my neighborhood. “I want you to keep enjoying yourself. Things aren’t so great here, and it’s not the best environment for you to retrieve your memories. I’ll just drag you down. I’m a mess, Helen.”
“What can I do to help?” she asks. “Anything at all.”
“Actually, I called to ask you for advice. You see, my husband…” I realize that I didn’t even tell my sister about my husband’s death. I bite my lip for a moment, and weigh the options in my mind.
“Please tell me everything, Carm. I’m capable of handling it, I promise. I’m stronger than ever.”
“Okay. Well, the reason I lost my baby is probably because my husband just died.”
“What?” Helen says in shock.
“Isn’t that interesting? Apparently, a horrible event like the death of someone close to you can cause you to miscarry or go into early labor, and basically fuck up your whole body.”
“When did this happen? How? Oh god, Carm. I’m so sorry.”
“He died the night that you crashed your car. You were the last person to see him alive.”
“I was? Oh—that’s why you were asking me about him at the hospital! Carm, I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember even meeting your husband. I wish I could help you. Dammit! I need to remember.”
“It’s okay,” I tell her soothingly. I can hear that she is getting upset and I am growing worried. “Hellie, please don’t stress. I’m over it now. I just… this is all background information for what I really need to talk to you about.”
“What is it?” Helen asks softly. Her voice is strained and shaky, and I can tell that she might be crying.
“Well, my husband’s best friend has basically just decided that he’s going to take Grayson’s place in my life. I guess… I’ve let him. But he’s done some weird and creepy things. Like that day I was admitted to the hospital? Well, Owen brought me flowers, but Brad lied and said that he’d brought them for me. I just don’t know if I can trust him.”
“Did you ask him why he lied, and give him a chance to explain?”
“No. Not yet.”
“Do that before anything else, then call me back and let me know what he said. Either way, you’ve just been through some life-altering events, and you’re not in any condition to be rebounding off random men. You’re vulnerable right now, and you’re not going to be thinking as clearly as you normally do. Which, if my memory serves me correctly, isn’t that clearly at all when it comes to men.”
“Of course, you would remember all my failings,” I joke. “Then there’s the other issue. Owen. He… he’s wonderful. He’s been so kind to me. But he has a girlfriend. He doesn’t seem very happy with her, though. I just feel guilty about spending time with him…”
“Do not, I repeat, do not start a romantic relationship with Owen. However, feel free to hang out with him and maybe even try to start a solid, close friendship. I think that you could use a friend like him. Liam’s told me a little about Owen, and I think he seems like a great guy. I don’t think he would do anything to hurt you or his girlfriend.”
“You’re right, Hellie. God, you’re always right. That makes me feel a lot better.”
“I would like to see you as soon as you’re feeling better, Carmen. Maybe you and Owen could drive over to Pennsylvania and stay with me and Liam for a weekend? It’ll be fun, and we can get away from the guys for some girl talk. I think that relaxing out here in the woods could do you some good as well.”
“I’d really love that,” I tell her with a happy sigh. “Thanks for taking my call, Hellie. It’s really good to be able to talk to you again. I’ve missed you terribly.”
“Please call me anytime, Carm. I’ll keep my phone by my side. I missed you too—way too much. I’m so sorry to hear about your baby, and your husband. I wish I could do something to help more, but I’m kind of useless at the moment.”
“You’ll never be useless to me, little sis,” I tell her softly as I circle around to my house again. “I’m going to go home now and talk to Brad. I’ll text you soon.”
“I’ll be waiting. Bye, Carm!”
Hanging up the phone, I pull into the driveway slowly. I am not sure why, but I feel a little better after getting that off my chest. Concealing information from my sister isn’t going to bring us any closer; even though the truth is harsh, I know that it will fix everything that is broken between us. It is just going to hurt a hell of a lot in the process.
Putting the car in park, I turn off the ignition and step out of the vehicle. I have barely taken a few steps before the front door opens and a large shadow fills the doorway. I pause as I survey Brad’s face. He seems guilty and miserable.
“Carm, I’m so sorry…” he begins.
“Why’d you do it?” I ask him sharply.
“I don’t know. I think I just wanted to be your hero.”
“By keeping me away from my friend? Knowing that he came to visit me would have made me so happy. I needed that. I felt like no one gave a damn.”
“I just wanted to keep you all to myself,” Brad says quietly. “I didn’t know who he was and I didn’t want to let him near you. I didn’t want to mention him in case it made you upset. What if he was a weirdo ex or someone you really didn’t want to see?”
“You should have asked me. I was in pain, but I wasn’t an invalid. I wasn’t stupid.”
“I realize that now, Carmen. I’m sorry. This is all just really new to me. I never expected my best friend to die. I am having trouble dealing with it too. I know this isn’t fair to you, but I needed you to ease my pain. I couldn’t bear the thought of you spending time with some other man instead of me. I needed every single drop of your attention. I guess… I was jealous and possessive. I’ve never been that way before, but I couldn’t control it. I felt like if I let you see this guy, I’d be losing you. I didn’t want to lose you.”
My heart softens a little. Brad looks like a wounded little boy, and it’s hard to stay angry with him. “I can’t do this if you keep lying to me,” I tell him quietly. “Lying is a big deal breaker for me. Grayson kept me in the dark about so many things, and I can’t go through that again. I need to know that you’re going to treat me with respect. Like an equal. Like a peer. Not just some dumb woman you need to hide shit from.”
“I promise that I will from now on, Carmen. That’s why I showed you Grayson’s private space in the attic. I wanted to come clean with you, about everything, no matter how horrible. I know that you deserve that.” Brad hesitates as he steps forward, extending his hand to me. “There’s something else that I need to show you, but I need you to come inside and sit down. I know that you might hate me for this, but I can’t lie to you anymore. I have to show you.”
Cautiously, I take his hand and let him guide me into the house. My mind races with all the possibilities of what he could be showing me this time. What is the worst it could possibly be? I can’t imagine anything more horrifying than my husband’s psycho-shrine. I let Brad guide me down into the sofa, and I sit straight up, nervous and on edge.
Brad kneels in front of me, and pulls the platinum locket he had gotten for me out of his pocket. “I’ve added something to the locket. I don’t know why I was keeping it from you, but I was afraid it would be too painful for you to take. Take a look.”
I take the locket into my hand and reach down to flip it open. A frown comes over my features as I see a little lock of wispy blonde hair encased in glass. “Is this…?”
“It’s a lock of your daughter’s hair,” Brad explains.
My heart leaps up into my throat, and I find myself unable to breathe. “Brad, how did you…”
“I saw her. Before they took her away, I saw her.” He lowers his head in shame. “I… I had them take her away because I didn’t think you could handle seeing how bruised and damaged her little body was.”
“Brad,” I say tearfully, closing my fist around the locket. I feel a great pressure in my head; it might be an explosion of rage or grief. I’m not sure, but it hurts and causes a ringing in my ears. “How could you do this to me?”
“I didn’t want you to be hurt, Carmen. I thought that it would help you get better sooner.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and flips to the photo albums. “I didn’t want to show you this because I didn’t know if you could handle it… but I took a photo of her. She was still alive in the incubator, for a few minutes—she really fought to survive, Carm. I didn’t know it was possible for a human being to be that small… to weigh only one pound.” He gulps and looks at me with fear before turning the phone to fully face me.
I immediately begin sobbing. I put my head in my hands and cry. Her wrinkled red skin and tiny, misshapen arms cause my heart to break.
Brad moves to sit by my side, and wraps his arms around me. He kisses my temple and my cheek. “I’m so sorry, Carmen. I’m so sorry. Please. I just—I couldn’t deal with it myself. I couldn’t… I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to put a dead infant in your arms, and watch you cry. I know that I was wrong to do what I did… but can you ever forgive me?”
Unable to speak, I merely nod against his shoulder. “Yes,” I say weakly. “Maybe you were right. Maybe I couldn’t handle it right away. Coming home and seeing Grayson’s body the way I did was a real shock to me, and I felt like my mind was cracking for days afterward. Maybe you saved me from that. Maybe I wouldn’t have recovered this time. Maybe I would have lost my mind altogether, and hurt myself or done something worse.”
“That’s what I feared.”
I take a deep breath, fighting against my tears. “Thank you for showing me the photo, and keeping a lock of her hair. This means a lot to me.”
Brad gently cups my cheek in his palm. “Can we be together? Will you be mine?”
“Yes,” I tell him, nodding softly. I don’t have the strength to answer in any other way.
He leans forward to place a kiss on my lips. “I have to head home now. Unfortunately, I have work in the morning. But I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
I close my eyes in pain, wishing he didn’t have to leave.
“Just get lots of rest, Carmen,” he tells me softly. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Okay,” I say, nodding. As he gathers his things and moves to leave, I can’t even watch. I hold the locket tightly in my shaking hands. “Please text me that photo of my daughter before you leave.”
“Sure thing,” he says, pausing to pull out his phone and send the photo. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”
I nod. As the front door opens and closes, I hear the little ding of my phone to indicate that the message has been received. I don’t even have the energy to look at it as I collapse in the couch and drag my legs up onto the sofa, curling up into a little ball.
You’re an idiot, Mother. You know that this man is nothing but bad news.
My eyes snap open. “Grace?” I whisper out loud.
If not for him, we could have spent a few more moments together. But he stole me away from you. What if there was nothing wrong with me? What if I was perfectly fine? Maybe he killed me with his bare hands. His big, rough, disgusting hands. How can you be sure? What if it was all his fault?
Nausea threatens to overpower me. I feel like the whole house has been launched into the air and is spinning around in a violent tornado. I grip the cushions tightly, trying to breathe as I am bombarded with the debris of my internal cyclone.
Maybe I’m not dealing with this as well as I thought.
Chapter Twelve
It’s a bright and beautiful morning, and I’m ready to get down to business.
Last night, after hours of being seized with some kind of panic attack, my father found me lying on the couch and sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe. He took care of me and calmed me down. He was even a champ when I began whimpering about how much I wanted to kill myself. I feel like crap about putting him through that, and I promised myself I would never do so again. I will not be a burden on my family. I am too old to be blubbering like a child over a situation that is completely out of my control.
I have decided that I need to get my shit together and stop being so fucking sad.
What’s done is done. It’s over. I need to get better. I realized that I can’t do that unless I can make sense of everything that’s happened. I need to find answers to my questions. For starters, I want to get in touch with Grayson’s mother. I want to talk to her about everything that’s happened, including her son’s death and the loss of my child. Maybe she can shed some light on things for me.
My first order of business has been to hunt for information in Grayson’s phone and his financial records. I know the passcode to unlock his phone, so I have begun digging through his contacts and recent activity. This is something I would have never done before, out of respect for him, but it’s too late for propriety. Strangely enough, there is no hint of anything to do with his family anywhere. In case he deleted something, I can also examine all his recent calls on our phone bills. I called every number I didn’t recognize, however, it doesn’t seem like there’s anything out of the ordinary there. It looks like I will have to comb through our bank accounts and credit card bills to track every bit of his recent spending.
My phone rings, and I answer it without even checking to see who it is. “Hello?” I say quickly, expecting a call back from one of the numbers on Grayson’s phone.
“Carmen, it’s Brad. I have some good news.”
“Oh?”
“I spoke to my boss today and explained the situation to him. He was surprisingly understanding. His own wife has had a few miscarriages, and he knows how difficult it is. He’s going to let me use my vacation days, starting tomorrow. I’ve taken the whole week off work to stay with you.”
I find myself rolling my eyes. This would have made me extremely happy a day ago. That was before my little breakdown and wake up call. Now, I can clearly see through Brad’s apparent kindness.
“My dad put you up to this, didn’t he?” I ask Brad, without even pausing in sifting through my papers.
“Uh… well, he did suggest…”
“That’s cool. I know my dad is just looking out for me. Hey, Brad, I have a suggestion. Why don’t I come stay at your place for a few days instead? That way, you could sti
ll have easy access to your office if you needed to work, but you could also keep an eye on me for my dad.”
“He didn’t tell me to ‘keep an eye on you.’ It was more along the lines of…”
“I don’t really care. Text me the address to your place?”
“Wait, Carmen. What’s gotten into you?”
“I’m feeling better. Address?”
Brad hesitates. “I’m not sure that staying at my place is the greatest idea. It’s really a mess, and I would like a chance to clean up first.”
“Aww, that’s not fair,” I say, putting on a flirtatious tone. “I want to get to know the real Brad. Dirty socks lying around, and Cheetos stuck beneath the sofa cushions? Sign me up! I just love those special, nitty-gritty details of everyday life; that’s where the romance is found.” I am positive that I could make some interesting discoveries if I hunt through his papers, phone, and laptop for more information. “You’ve been coming here and taking care of me for days. Let me make it easier on you, and be a part of your world.”
“I need like twenty-four hours to tidy up. I’ll start when I get home from work tonight.”
“Sure, Brad,” I say lightly. “Let me know when you’re ready. By the way, can you tell me Grayson’s mother’s phone number? And her address? I want to try to get in touch with her, and maybe mail her a few of Grayson’s belongings.”
“No, Carmen,” Brad says softly. “I don’t think Grayson would have wanted you to get involved with that part of his life. He had a very dark past, and it could really drag you down.”
I find myself laughing. “Trust me, Brad. I can’t be dragged down any farther than I already have. I hit rock bottom a long time ago; then the earth cracked open and I was able to fall to an even deeper level below that. Can you please give me the information?”
“Let me think about it, Carm. Maybe I should visit Grayson’s mother first, before giving you her contact information, just to make sure that the woman isn’t dangerous. I could go later this week—I have to bring the ashes anyway. I’ll only have to fly out there for a day or two, and I’ll be back before you even notice that I’m gone.”