by R. J. Parker
Lily checked on Maisie. She was still observing their dialogue through the back window. ‘We need to have this conversation another time,’ she said categorically.
‘What’s the matter, worried Maisie will hear? You’ll have to introduce him to her soon enough so why not now?’
‘You’re being paranoid and spiteful. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.’
‘And you always accuse me of not wanting to talk things out.’
‘Go home and I’ll call you later.’
‘So when’s he moving in?’
‘I’m not even going to qualify that with an answer.’
‘Which is an answer in itself.’
‘Is that what you really think? That all of this is about Sam Castle?’
‘Is it?’
‘You’re being ridiculous.’
‘I think you’ve been looking for an excuse.’
Lily rounded on him but turned her back to Maisie and kept her voice low. ‘This is no excuse. This is our daughter in the hospital because you can’t control your temper.’
‘I expect that’s what you told them. That it was my fault.’
‘No, although I should have. Because it was your fault. The only reason I didn’t is because I know how sickened you would have felt for what you did.’
‘Probably as sickened as you felt. There were two people in that argument. How does Maisie remember it? Or are you guiding her in that respect?’
Lily closed her eyes briefly and took a breath. ‘We need to take a step back.’
‘You’ve already made me do that, remember? One mile to be precise.’
‘I have to protect Maisie.’
‘From me?’ He stabbed a finger into his chest.
‘Yes. I can’t allow that to happen again … ever.’ She held his gaze. ‘Do you understand? Now turn around and leave. You’re upsetting her.’
‘And I suppose you’ll be using this against me as well.’
‘We’ll pretend this never happened.’
‘Of course you will. I just wanted to see her.’ The animosity in his eyes hadn’t waned. ‘But I suppose you can always discuss this with Sam.’
‘There is nothing between us.’
‘On Maisie’s life? Nothing ever happened?’
Lily’s response stalled.
‘You’re all about telling the truth. How about being honest about that?’
‘I’ll tell the truth when it matters,’ she retorted angrily.
‘Oh my god, there it is. You really are going to make it look like my fault. I imagine Sam would advise you to do that.’
‘He’s got nothing to do with this.’
‘Not even a little bit? At the back of your mind are you not thinking about what happens when you’ve got me off the scene?’
Lily fought back emotions. Did he really think she wanted to remove him, just like that; that what they’d shared for eight years meant nothing to her? How could he really believe that she was so cold and conniving that she was using what he’d done as an excuse to dispense with him? Or was this something he was going to produce in court, whether he believed it or not? He wasn’t about to see reason, so she had to diffuse the argument. ‘Let’s talk on the phone later. When you’re calm.’
‘Or maybe you’re further down the line with Sam than I thought. Maybe you’ll be discussing it with him on the phone tonight. It is his area of expertise. Friends with benefits … and free legal advice.’
‘Don’t you dare.’
Something in her expression caused Ewan to falter. ‘Everything’s about my behaviour. If you carry on with this, yours is going to be under the spotlight as well remember.’
‘So, all of a sudden, I’m a bad parent as well?’
Ewan looked briefly wounded. ‘You think I’m a bad parent?’
‘No, but lately there have been too many occasions when it looks like you are.’
‘You know I’m not.’ The ire was back in his glare. ‘But you seem hellbent on convincing other people that I am. And I suppose me being here when I shouldn’t, because I want to see my daughter, I suppose you can use that too.’
‘Ewan,’ she cautioned harshly, ‘… go now and I won’t mention this. I promise.’
‘But Maisie might in passing,’ he countered acerbically.
‘There’s nothing more for us to say. Say goodbye to her.’ Lily nodded towards the car.
‘And that’s really what I’m going to have to do, isn’t it?’ He turned before she could reply.
Lily watched him walk to the car and open the back door.
‘Got to go now. Got your water wings? Good. Stay away from the deep end and stay in until your fingers wrinkle,’ he said playfully, as if it were a normal family day.
She marvelled at how quickly he’d changed his demeanour. But he could always do that. They could be in the middle of an intense row and Ewan could switch out of it when Maisie walked into the room. Lily couldn’t do it, not in the blink of an eye.
Maisie said something to him that Lily couldn’t hear.
‘Soon. It’ll all be sorted out and then we can do something fun too. Take care.’ He leaned in and kissed her.
Lily watched Maisie’s arm go around his neck and felt a pang in her throat. Had things been this bad even six months ago? They were still going about their weekly routines as a family then and, outwardly, nobody would have believed that they would be on the cusp of this. How quickly it had all happened, but Lily knew that this was the culmination of something gradual, a build-up of corrosive moments that she could no longer ignore.
Sam Castle had been one of the catalysts. He’d certainly made her consider that she shouldn’t be content to put up with behaviour that was only going to get worse. She couldn’t honestly tell herself that he hadn’t been instrumental in her reassessing her marriage, but she would have taken the action she had when Maisie had been hurt regardless.
Ewan leaned into the car further and said something that Lily couldn’t hear. Then he extracted himself, shut the door and walked back across the road without looking back.
Chapter 29
Lily checked the time on her phone. It was just after midday. She scarcely noticed the pain in her buttocks from sitting on the hallway floor for so long. No other images had arrived. A cold sensation crept over her scalp and she freed her seized limbs, awkwardly got up and rushed to the bathroom.
She leaned over the sink and painfully retched, but nothing came out. Lily blinked away the moisture in her eyes, rocked on her socked feet and a cold sweat prickled her forehead.
Don’t pass out.
She gripped the edge of the sink and waited for the nausea to pass. She thought about Sam Castle, his quietly intense features and pale green eyes that subtly darted while he briefly considered every response he made. She recalled his warnings to her about Ewan. He knew him of old. They’d been buddies since college, so she’d known Sam almost as long as her husband. When Ewan’s drinking had started to get out of hand, she’d believed the best person to confide in was his closest friend.
She’d considered talking to Paulette, but knew she would have enjoyed learning that not all was rosy at home. Paulette had been interested in Ewan in the early days and Lily was sure she still harboured resentment. Julie Medlocke had suffered abuse at the hands of her alcoholic husband, so she’d been positive what her advice would have been. Besides, Paulette and Julie didn’t know Ewan. Not many people did. He was always civil and courteous to her sister and best friend, but very rarely opened up to anyone but Lily.
Sam Castle was somebody who knew Ewan and had frequently made allowances for the moments when alcohol pushed out his witty, warm and generous character and he became about nothing more than the pursuit of that one last drink. And then the next last drink. It was something that Ewan recognised and that he allowed Lily to regulate, but drinking with his students was fatal. Nobody in that situation was mature enough or interested in curbing the behaviour he defaulted to.
> Sam Castle had seen it all. Had cajoled, extricated and rescued Ewan from a variety of situations and seemed like the best person to speak to when the nights Ewan spent with his students suddenly increased and he came home in a cab more often than his car. When they’d finished at college Sam went on to become a lawyer and Ewan had opted for teaching, though they both remained in touch and Sam had been best man at their wedding.
There had been a girl on the scene for Sam around that time, Martine. And they looked like a great couple. Both of them had golden fair hair, his static and dishevelled and hers in a tight bob. She’d been at the wedding too, but their relationship had ended not long after and since then Lily hadn’t been aware of any other women in his life. But Sam remained a firm friend and, in the early days of their marriage, had been a regular visitor to their table. When Maisie had come along and sleep deprivation had put paid to late dinners he’d disappeared for a while.
However, as Maisie had got older Sam had come back onto the scene, and it was one night when he’d called in to see Ewan, and he still hadn’t got back from leaving drinks with his students, that Lily decided to broach the subject with him.
She’d expected Sam to defend Ewan, to dismiss his conduct and tell her she was overreacting. But Sam seemed more concerned than she’d expected. It transpired that his father had been an alcoholic and had died of liver cirrhosis in the spring of 2014. That was something that Ewan had never told her, but it was clear that Sam was recognising a lot of similar behaviour.
When she thought about that conversation now Lily wondered if Sam had seen an opportunity. What had happened only months later had been unexpected to her, but had Sam used her vulnerability? But she’d instigated their contact more than him. He’d told her to call if she needed someone to talk to, and it was Lily who had first picked up the phone.
As Ewan’s drinking prompted him to make more excuses to be away from Lily and Maisie, she’d leaned on Sam even harder. At one point each evening seemed to consist of her on the phone to him after she’d put Maisie to bed and Ewan was still absent. Then Sam was calling in on his way home from work.
Alarm bells should have rung. When she told Sam he shouldn’t have been coming out of his way to check on her and Maisie he said that, even if he did have any reason to go home, he was still concerned about their welfare. Lily told herself that Sam had made her and Maisie his cause. That he didn’t want to see Ewan go down the same road as his father. They talked about confronting Ewan. But Sam said they had to wait for the right moment. That’s when she should have seen what was coming. There was nothing that couldn’t have been discussed over the phone, but Sam became a reassuring presence that she encouraged.
One Friday evening Sam called in when Maisie should have been in bed. But she’d had a chest infection and was unable to sleep. Lily had tried to call the doctor, but the surgery had just closed. She’d also been trying to contact Ewan. But she’d only been getting his answering service. She’d answered the door to Sam and explained the situation and he’d walked into the room to find Maisie curled up in a blanket on the armchair.
‘Maisie-doats, you keeping cosy?’
Maisie smiled weakly and coughed chestily in reply.
‘Wow.’ Sam shot a glance at Lily and then smiled at Maisie. ‘That came from your boots.’
‘She hasn’t got a temperature, but it came on so suddenly. I think someone should examine her. I was thinking of taking her to the hospital.’
‘I want to stay here,’ Maisie protested listlessly.
‘Keep wrapped up tight. I can turn the heating on in my car, OK?’
‘I can drive her,’ Lily insisted. ‘Kettle’s just boiling for some lemon and honey.’
Sam nodded and followed her into the kitchen.
When she turned, he was closing the door so Maisie couldn’t hear them. ‘You can’t raise him?’
‘I think he’s turned his phone off.’ Lily almost made it sound like an excuse.
Sam closed his eyes and shook his head.
Lily sighed and sagged. She had a migraine; it was the end of a long week and Ewan had barely been home. Most nights she only knew he was in safe when he crawled into bed with her. He’d taken to undressing on the landing so he wouldn’t wake her. Or so she wouldn’t realise how unsteady on his feet he was. ‘I really think I should take her to the hospital.’
‘You sure you won’t let me drive? I’ve honestly got nothing else to do on a Friday night.’
‘I’m fine. I know how to drive.’ But she’d been tempted by his offer.
Sam’s eyes darted and he nodded, knowing it was pointless to push it. ‘Go. I’ll wait in for Ewan and let him know what’s happening.’
‘No, that’s really not necessary.’ But Lily knew what was coming next.
‘Maybe it’s time I spoke to him while neither of you are here.’
‘Not now. It’s not the right time.’
‘I suppose it’s never going to be the right time.’
‘I’m more concerned about Maisie at the moment.’ She absently rubbed her temple.
‘You look absolutely exhausted.’
She nodded and went to the cupboard to get the honey. The cupboard was behind Sam. Whenever she ran the moment back in her head, she tried to find the division between what she was actually doing and what ended up happening.
As she walked towards Sam, he opened his arms. It must have looked to him like she was looking for an embrace. They’d embraced before but always when they greeted or said goodbye and usually when Ewan was present, not when they were alone in a kitchen.
It was a split-second decision. Sam had been so supportive to her over those difficult weeks. She’d already rejected his offer to drive her and Maisie to the hospital. His arms opened and she put her chin onto his shoulder before he squeezed. It felt good and she tried to remember when Ewan had last done it. She remained there too long.
When he released her she opened her mouth to speak. But she really hadn’t known what she was going to say. That’s when he’d kissed her. She’d immediately pulled away, took a few paces back.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘That’s OK.’ But it wasn’t. She looked beyond him to the closed door.
‘That was stupid.’ But he left the remark hanging, to gauge her reaction.
‘Yes. It was.’ She turned her back to him and poured water from the kettle into Maisie’s mug.
‘Please, don’t be like that.’
Lily was relieved he hadn’t come closer. ‘Like what? How should I be?’
‘That was my fault …’
Yes, it was. But she’d remained in the hug longer than she should.
‘I just feel … protective of you.’
She nodded, couldn’t find any words. Her mind was briefly blank.
‘I can’t stand to see you being treated like this.’
But he’d proved there was much more to it than that and Lily chided herself for ignoring the warning signs. In the last couple of months, she’d spoken more to Sam than her own husband.
‘If you want me to, I’ll go now.’
He was still giving himself an opening. Making it her choice.
‘I don’t want you to do anything … you don’t want to do.’
Lily didn’t want to look at him. ‘Maisie’s ill. I’m taking her to the hospital. You’d probably better leave.’
There was a short silence. ‘I’m sorry. Let me know how you get on. Call me when you can.’
Lily stared down at the clear water in Maisie’s yellow mug and heard him saying good night to Maisie before the front door clicked.
She didn’t see him again after that. They spoke a few times on the phone and he did his best to skirt around what had happened, go back to the way they’d been during their conversations about Ewan before. But Lily said that she wanted to make it work with Ewan and he said he understood.
It was months later that Ewan had become suspicious. Sam hadn’t been around and when Ewan called h
im to meet up, he always made an excuse. Ewan had asked Lily if she knew why this was. Had she given herself away when she said she didn’t or had Maisie mentioned that Uncle Sam had been around the night she went into hospital? Whatever the reason, Lily was sure Ewan suspected that something had happened between them.
Chapter 30
Lily pulled the lid down on the toilet and sat on it. Queasiness still crashed over her. Ewan and Sam … they were the only men who had really been significant to her since she’d left college. But they both loved Maisie. Surely they wouldn’t subject her to one moment of this. Maybe she was too focussed on who was in her life now. Perhaps there had always been someone standing on the periphery. She considered the photos in the album again.
Was there someone in work? Martin Pickton, the paunchy office bachelor? But although he was in his late thirties he seemed more interested in Bridget Holby, the young new intern. Julie said he gave her the creeps but then she did have a blanket downer on men.
She cast her mind further back. Tried to identify another face that united the occasions in the album. But she realised she couldn’t distract herself any longer. Maisie could be anywhere, and she could only wait and imagine what was happening. She stood again and leaned over the sink, running the tap in readiness.
Her phone buzzed in her hand and she quickly checked the display.
Another image had arrived. Lily stabbed the screen with her finger and clenched herself in readiness as the picture opened.
For a few seconds, she struggled to work out what she was looking at, but as she focussed on the splayed adult hand in the middle of the photo, she realised, from the rear of her shoulders still clad in her banana yellow pyjamas, it was a close-up of the back of Maisie’s head. The hand was resting lightly on her scalp, the fingers sunk into her fair hair. Those digits touching her daughter shrivelled Lily’s stomach.
She was vaguely aware of a choked noise escaping her.
What was he doing? Patting her on the head, guiding her with his hand? There was nothing else visible in front of her, no other discernible details of her daughter’s darkened location. Was that where she was actually being held? Maisie didn’t like the dark. But he probably knew that and was deliberately using it against them both.