“That’s what my mother always told me.”
“Give me that fucking bottle.”
He tossed it through the air. I caught it one-handed, unscrewed the cap, and took a long slug.
“I notice you didn’t include a certain person on that list,” Kade said.
“Don’t,” I warned him.
“I’m just pointing out the obvious.”
“She fucking stabbed me in the back, Kade.”
“I’m not saying she didn’t. But she had a pretty good reason for doing it.”
I glared at him. “After all you lost tonight because of her – ”
“I didn’t lose anything because of her. I lost it because of Lou. Tonight didn’t come out of nowhere – he’s been planning this for a long, long time.”
God damn him. I hated when he was logical. Even worse, I hated when he was right.
“She lied to my face.”
“She did,” Kade admitted.
“She put both of our lives in danger.”
“She did that, too.”
“And she didn’t warn us when she had the chance. When I explicitly gave her that fucking chance.”
“No, she didn’t,” Kade agreed. “But if somebody gunned you down in a back alley, I know I’d fuck over every last person in the world just to find out who did it so I could kill them.”
I looked over at him, stunned. It was the most emotional thing he’d ever said to me in all the years I’d known him. Even him delivering it in that flat voice of his couldn’t disguise that fact.
“I’d do the same for you,” I said quietly, and I meant it.
“Then you should be able to understand why she did it.”
“You just want to let her off the hook, scot-free?” I snarled.
“We both saw her in the parking lot when we left. She didn’t get off scot-free.”
The image was seared on my brain: Fiona kneeling in the gravel, hunched over, sobbing uncontrollably, her face contorted in agony. As much as I hated to admit it, that memory hurt like hell. I wanted to feel righteously angry, like You made your bed, you fucking bitch, but I couldn’t. No matter what she’d done to me, I couldn’t think about her like that and still hold onto my rage.
But there wasn’t any law that said I had to keep thinking about it.
I turned back to the wall. “I don’t want to hear another fucking thing about her. You got that?”
“Okay.”
He was as good as his word. We both drank in silence until we passed out – or at least I drank until I passed out. A whole bottle of scotch before the darkness finally descended and blotted out my pain.
6
Fiona
I lay in my hotel bed in the darkness and pondered the wreckage of my life. Metaphorically, at least, since all of my stuff – including my car – was still at Jack’s.
I wasn’t about to go get it. Not yet. I’d have to eventually, but I wasn’t anywhere close to being able to handle the fallout yet.
I’d made it out of the Roadhouse parking lot in one piece. Picked myself up and stumbled out onto the highway, then called an Uber on my phone.
As soon as the driver saw my tear-streaked face and disheveled hair, he’d asked me, “Jesus, lady, you need me to call the cops or somethin’?”
Considering it was the Richards Police Department who had abducted and delivered me into Lou’s hands last night, I assured the driver emphatically that no, I absolutely did NOT want him to call the cops.
But I didn’t know where to go.
I didn’t have any reason to return to the crappy motel where I’d lived the past week, and I had a huge reason not to: Lou owned it. He probably had no designs on my life now – after all, he could have easily killed me at the Roadhouse if he’d wanted me dead. But I figured there wasn’t any need to make it easy on him if he changed his mind, so I went to the nearest Holiday Inn instead.
For a while I wondered what the hell I was going to do about all my stuff over at Jack’s. Would he have dumped it on the lawn by now? Put it in the trash? Set it on fire?
In the end, I figured I’d have plenty of time to worry about all that tomorrow. So instead I just lay there crying most of the night, turning events over and over in my head.
If I’d told Jack the truth when he’d asked, would he have been able to stop Lou’s plot?
If I’d been honest from the beginning, would he have helped me find Ali’s killer?
If I’d told him, would he still hate me now?
If, if, if. Such a completely and utterly useless word. I’d done what I’d done, and there was no taking it back.
There was one ‘if,’ though, that I knew the answer to.
If I’d had the choice to not meet Jack, period… would I give up everything I’d felt for him, just so I didn’t have to feel this pain?
That answer I knew.
No.
I would never trade the memory of kissing him, the feeling of him making love to me, no matter how much pain I had to endure.
But there was a flip side to that question, too.
If I could go back in time… would I have walked away from him that first morning in the diner and never seen him again, if I could have spared him all that pain?
The answer to that was yes.
I’d hurt him so badly… he’d lost so much on account of me… that no matter what he’d gotten from our time together, it could never balance the scales.
In that respect, both of us were fucked.
For me, everything was over. My quest for Ali’s killer… my relationship, love affair, whatever you want to call what I’d had with Jack… all of it was over.
And for what?
Nothing. Nothing but the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, and some memories I might be able to savor someday years from now, after all my guilt subsided.
7
I finally drifted off to sleep around dawn and dozed fitfully for a few hours. My dreams were haunted by the smell of gunpowder… the dying screams of my cousin… the feel of a pistol against my head… and Jack’s hate-filled eyes.
I woke with a start to the loud buzz of metal vibrating on wood. My heart beat wildly and adrenaline coursed through my veins as I fumbled for my cell phone. The battery was almost drained, but there was still enough juice to show a text.
This is Kade. Where are you?
My heart leapt in my throat. I thought about not answering for a second, but I reasoned that if he and Jack wanted me dead, they would have done it last night. Plus, there was no way he could tell where I was – so why not get a little more information?
Why? I texted back.
Because I have your car and clothes.
Shit.
Was this legit, or just a pretext to draw me out in the open?
I paced back and forth nervously for almost two minutes before Kade texted a single, impatient symbol:
?
I chewed on my lip and took the plunge. How do I know it’s safe?
The answer buzzed back immediately.
I’m not the one who wants you dead.
My heart stopped in my chest.
Jack? I texted.
No. He just wants you gone.
Excruciating pain welled up in my chest. All the events from last night flew through my brain in a whirlwind of emotions.
Holiday Inn near the highway. I’ll meet you in front of the lobby, I texted.
He replied, See you in 10.
8
I paced nervously in the entry to the lobby. I reasoned that if Kade tried a drive-by, at least it would be harder to hit me than if I were in the parking lot.
I knew that was insane – Kade would never have risked innocent lives to end mine. But the thought went through my head all the same.
When my car rolled up under the front portico, though, and Kade got out, I had to make a decision.
I hesitated for a long moment… then stepped through the automatic doors. I paused on the sidewalk, my arms folded across my chest.
As soon as he saw me, he didn’t change expression, and he didn’t say anything. He simply turned around and started walking towards the road.
I stood there in shock. The car engine was running, and the driver’s door was still open.
“That’s it?” I yelled after him.
“That’s it,” he called over his shoulder without looking at me.
I was stunned.
Part of me thought it was crazy, him driving up and walking away like that with nothing to say.
Another part of me was enraged.
That’s IT?! After everything that went down last night, he just walks away?!
This is BULLSHIT.
“Wait!” I yelled, and ran across the parking lot after him.
He stopped and turned to look at me.
Suddenly I realized how stupid and impulsive I’d been – but I had to know.
“What about Jack?”
“What about him?” Kade said coldly.
“Is he… is he okay?”
“Not really, no.”
“Will he talk to me?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. For either of you.”
“I can’t leave things the way they are,” I said.
“I don’t think you have a choice.”
“I’m sorry about what happened – I am so fucking sorry, I swear to God I am – but I was trying to find out who killed my cousin.”
“I know.”
Kade didn’t seem angry when he said it. If anything, he seemed… approving, albeit in a kind of emotionless way. He could have been an asshole and said, Yeah, I heard, or Yeah, I was there last night… but he didn’t. He said I know.
“Do you hate me, too?” I asked.
“No.”
That surprised me. “Why not?”
“I probably would have done the same thing.”
That surprised me even more. “Really?”
“Doesn’t make you any less of an asshole, though.”
My first reaction was anger – I’m not an asshole, you douchebag! – but I controlled it long enough to ask, “What do you mean?”
“When you sell out somebody who put everything on the line for you, it doesn’t matter how good of a reason you had. You’re still an asshole.”
Ouch.
“So you’re saying you’d be an asshole, too?” I asked.
“When you make a decision like you did, there are consequences. I would have made the same decision, and I’d live with those consequences. You should, too.”
I thought I saw what he was getting at, even though I didn’t like it. “So you’re saying, don’t go see Jack.”
“That’s the reason I brought your shit to you. The only reason.”
“I can’t promise anything.”
“Then you’re a bigger asshole than I thought,” Kade said as he turned and ambled off down the side of the road.
I thought about calling after him and offering him a ride, but I didn’t want to be around him anymore.
Cold, emotionless prick.
Plus, I didn’t want him talking me out of what I was about to do… which he was absolutely right about:
I was going to go be an even bigger asshole.
9
I showered, changed clothes, and checked out of the hotel. Ten minutes later I was on Jack’s front porch, ringing his doorbell – and when that didn’t work, I hammered my fist on his door.
I was terrified of what might happen. But I was more afraid of leaving town without trying to undo what I’d done.
It took a long time for him to open the front door. When he finally did, he was still wearing his jeans and wifebeater from the night before. Scotch fumes rolled out over me like an ocean wave.
His bleary eyes tried to adjust as he squinted into the morning light. When he realized who I was, his whole face became a mask of hatred.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked, his voice coldly vicious. “I thought Kade dropped off your shit.”
I’d prepared a whole speech on the way over. It started with Jack, I know you probably never want to see me again, and continued on through a whole laundry list of why he and I were perfect together, and that I knew I’d fucked up, but it was stupid to throw away everything we had together.
But when you see the person you’re in love with look at you like you’re their worst enemy, it’s a hell of a blow.
My old boss Sid always said, Everybody’s got a plan till they get punched in the face.
All my plans immediately went out the window.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my eyes filling with tears.
“Ohhhhhh, you’re sorry,” he said sarcastically, then punctuated it with a brutal, “Fuck you.”
I tried again. “I shouldn’t have lied to you – ”
“‘I shouldn’t’ve lied to you, Jack,’” he mocked me. “‘I realize now I shouldn’t have fucked you over and destroyed your life, but I’m soooo sorry – so we’re good now, right?’” His eyes narrowed to slits. “FUCK you.”
There’s only so many times I can get punched before I start fighting back. “I was trying to find out who killed my cousin.”
“Yeah, I heard about that,” he said. His tone of voice was the exact opposite of Kade’s back in the hotel parking lot – vicious instead of understanding. “So it was okay to lie to my face, and let me walk into Lou’s trap, and – ”
“I didn’t know about Lou!”
“NO, BUT YOU KNEW ABOUT YOU!” he roared, jabbing a finger in my face. “You lied to me! I gave you every chance in the world to come clean, and if you’d just fucking told me the truth, none of that shit would have happened last night!”
“Yeah, right,” I snapped.
I immediately regretted it.
“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous.
“Nothing. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it,” I murmured, trying to bring the tension down a notch.
But he knew exactly what I’d meant. “Even if Lou had been planning last night for years, it all hinged on him knowing something about you that you should’ve told me. And you didn’t.”
“I know. It was wrong of me – ”
“It was wrong of you? FUCK you, Fiona. This isn’t some little white lie. You fucking betrayed me. And because of that I lost the club, not to mention I’m going to lose my house, my business – ”
“Your house?” I was so pissed at his High Horse routine that I couldn’t keep the sarcasm and dubiousness out of my voice.
“What do you think’s gonna happen when people find out Lou’s back in control of the Midnight Riders? You think they’re going to come to my shop and risk pissing him off?”
…shit.
I hadn’t even considered that.
“Jack – ” I started, feeling guilty all over again.
He wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. “And when I can’t get anybody to come into my shop, how the fuck am I supposed to pay my bills?”
“Jack – ”
“I’ve lost the respect of the club, I’ve lost the respect of the town, I’ve lost everything that meant anything to me – ”
“I didn’t know, Jack,” I pleaded.
“No, you just didn’t fucking think. You weren’t thinking about anybody but yourself.”
Okay, that tore it.
“You asshole,” I seethed. “I was thinking about my cousin. I risked my life to find out who murdered her. I wasn’t thinking about me, I was thinking about her.”
The look on his face softened for the briefest second, but then his features hardened again. “And you didn’t care whose life you destroyed in the process.”
That was when I lost it.
“You keep talking about losing your house and your business – none of which has happened yet, by the way – and you keep talking about losing people’s respect – but she lost her LIFE. Yeah, I wasn’t there, and yeah, I didn’t save her, but you WERE there, and you still did
n’t save her! I don’t care if you did to try to help her, you failed MISERABLY – so FUCK you and your house, and FUCK you and your body shop, and FUCK you and your motorcycle gang, because my cousin is FUCKING DEAD, AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS COMPLAIN LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH!”
By the end, I was crying. My whole body shook with rage and sorrow as the tears poured down my cheeks.
Jack stood there looking at me. All his hatred had turned into something else. Sadness? Resignation? Weariness? I didn’t know. I couldn’t read him. All I knew is that he didn’t seem to hate me anymore.
But he didn’t take me in his arms, either, and he made no effort to comfort me.
We stood like that, me weeping and him silent, for a good 30 seconds.
“I’m sorry about your cousin,” he said finally.
I wanted so bad for this to be the moment when we got back together. I wanted so bad for him to take me in his arms, and hold me close, and whisper in my ear that it was going to be alright… that he forgave me for lying to him, and that he understood… and that he was sorry, too, for all the horrible things he’d said.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happened.
His voice turned cold, unfeeling, dead. “But she made her choices, and they led to that back alley. You made your choices, too, so quit crying and acting like you didn’t know what you were doing.”
“You fucking son of a bitch.” All the hatred I had seen in him just minutes ago had taken hold of me. “You want to talk about choices? You’ve spent the last three years with Lou right there in front of you, and you were too stupid to see what he was doing. He outsmarted you. He outplayed you. He beat you with one hand tied behind his back. You can blame me all you want, but last night happened because you were too blind and stupid to see what was really going on. You didn’t care – not enough to do anything about it until it was too late. You just wanted to play motorcycle with all your jerk-off friends like the fucking children you are. You want to talk about choices? YOU lost your house. YOU lost your business. YOU lost your club. YOU lost everybody’s respect. So what? Quit whining about it and go get them back. Go beat Lou at his own game. At least you CAN… but I can’t get my cousin back. And she sure as hell can’t get her life back.”
Midnight Obsession: A Midnight Riders Motorcycle Club Romance Part 4 Page 2