“Alex, it’s . . .”
“Don’t tell me it’s not all gone,” Alex said. “It’s all gone.”
She grabbed a handful of dirt and held it up to the wind. The dirt drifted away.
“If it’s not gone now, it will be soon enough.”
Alex showed him her empty hand. She opened her mouth to say something only to start sobbing.
“You haven’t lost everything,” Jesse said.
“That’s the truth,” Alex said. “I still have some asshole with a gun coming to ask me the same fucking question — ‘Where is the key’?”
“Have you stopped to think about . . .?” Jesse started.
“I should be dead!” Alex screamed so loud that the birds in the tall tree next to the building took flight. “Why aren’t I dead?!”
The silence of the cold night pressed against her. She broke open. The pain and rage ripped through her and began to flow from her core.
“I should be dead!” Alex screamed at the top of her lungs.
She slid down the east wall until she was sitting with her knees up. She sobbed against her knees. The moon passed the west wall and moved into the open space.
“I knew it,” Alex said into her knees. “I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.”
She repeated it over and over again.
“You knew what?” Jesse asked.
“I shouldn’t have even bothered trying,” Alex said. “I’ll never succeed. You know why?”
“Why?” Jesse asked.
“I don’t have a penis!” Alex’s voice fell to a whisper. “I’m just a girl.”
“Rape me! Beat me! Torture me!” she screamed with rage. “Yell at me! Stab me! Dismiss me! Shoot me! Throw me away! Why not? I’m just a piece-of-shit girl.”
With the words, Alex’s mind flooded with every disparaging word ever said against her. Visions of humiliating moments, sucker punches thrown out of nowhere, shitty comments from trusted people flooded her vision. She put her hands over her ears to try to stem the horrible flow.
“Filthy fucking garbage,” Alex whispered.
Every triumph brought only greater hardship and loss. Every time she reached her goal, someone would pull the carpet out from under her. All she had to do was say that she wanted something, for it to be awarded to someone less competent.
“How dare I doubt?” Alex shot at Jesse. “‘How dare I even try?’ is more like it.”
Exhausted, Alex fell against the wall. With tears streaming down her face, her head fell back, and she stared at the stars. In preparation for the Leonid asteroid shower, an errant shooting star crossed the night sky. She felt Jesse’s presence right in front of her.
“I can’t do it anymore,” Alex whispered to him.
“Why?” Jesse asked.
“There’s no point,” Alex whispered.
“Why?” Jesse asked. “Nothing’s changed. Someone killed our team. Someone is going to burn the world down. The challenge hasn’t changed. Why is there no point now?”
“I’ll just fail,” Alex said.
“Alex!” Jesse shocked her. She gave him her full attention. “You did not fail.”
“But . . .”
“You have not failed,” Jesse said.
“But . . .”
“Everyone has failed you,” Jesse said. “From command to your team to Charlie fucking O’Brien — we’ve all failed you.”
“What are you talking about?” Alex asked.
“Mike and the guys failed to tell you the truth,” Jesse said. “So did Charlie and Joseph. Admiral Ingram failed to see how saving the fucking planet might be better than whatever tiny trinket they throw at him. The team failed to see that you were falling down. All of us, myself included, just assumed that you’d be all right.”
“Why is that?”
“Because it’s convenient,” Jesse said. “Admiral Ingram doesn’t have to worry about actually saving the world because he assumes you’ll do it. He can hoard his little treasure in whatever hidey-hole he’s found. Charlie assumed you just knew whatever the fuck he was so upset about. And . . .”
Jesse shook his head.
“You’ve been more than anyone could imagine,” Jesse said. “You’ve worked harder than anyone I’ve ever met. And now you’re faced with the choice of a lifetime — stay and fight, join the pay-for-service sector, or give up and go home.”
“After a lifetime of fighting, I’m faced with this stupid fucking choice,” Alex said. “Most LCs are looking to which cushy assignment they can take as Colonels. But I’m out there . . . slogging through the muck every fucking day.”
“You have big dreams,” Jesse said.
“I just want . . .”
Alex stopped talking. She was more than exhausted, emotionally drained, and still tears fell from her eyes.
“Don’t you think I should just kill myself?”
Jesse raised his eyebrows in irritation.
“Wouldn’t it be smarter?” Alex asked. “Save myself from being killed anyway?”
“Sure, it’s probably smarter to kill yourself before you’re killed,” Jesse said. “But you’ve never given a rat’s ass about what was smart. You’ve always done whatever it is that you felt called to do regardless of how ‘smart’ it was.”
“Jesse?”
“Yes?” Jesse asked.
“This is a great building,” Alex said.
“You and John found it with, I might add, my help,” Jesse said.
“Maybe there’s one thing I didn’t fuck up,” Alex said. “Who knew that was possible?”
Jesse laughed.
“Why is that funny?” Alex asked.
“Oh, Alex,” Jesse said. “There’s no way for you to understand who and what you are. You’re a star. You project light out into the world. Everything you do, everywhere you go, everyone you touch feels the shine and warmth of your life. One touch, and they feel that light the rest of their lives. I know I still do.”
“But . . .”
“You can’t feel it,” Jesse said. “You don’t see it because you’re the very center of the light. Like the center of the spiral nebula, you see only the depth of space. Every once in a great while, you see a tiny fraction of the light you give off when someone like me or Max or John, your children, reflect your light back to you. We are humbled in your presence because it’s under your light that we’ve grown and become our best selves.”
“I . . .”
“You can’t see it,” Jesse said. “But every single person who has tried to destroy you — and, you’re right, there have been many — knows the truth.”
“Which is what?” Alex asked. “That I’m a fraud? Just a stupid fucking girl?”
“That your light cannot be extinguished,” Jesse said. “Not until the world disappears and the fire in the sky stops burning.”
Alex scowled at him but didn’t respond.
“What am I going to do?” Alex asked.
“You’re going to wipe off your face, get Jack to take you to the cabin, and sleep for a few days,” Jesse said. “Then you’ll get up and get on with it.”
“I can’t!” Alex said. She would have cried, but she was too exhausted for tears. In a soft voice, she whispered. “I just can’t.”
“Not right this moment,” Jesse said. “Sleep for three days, and then we’ll talk.”
“I can’t.” Alex shook her head.
“You’re dead on your feet,” Jesse said. “You need rest and peace.”
“And then what?” Alex asked. “Get the shit beat out of me again?”
“Then, you’ll get on with saving the world,” Jesse said.
Alex shrugged.
“Come on,” Jesse said. “The contractor is already in his truck on his way here. If he sees you like this, he’s liable to call his wife, Jill, who will call Colin’s wife, Julie, who will call your mother in three seconds flat. You think you’re miserable now — imagine all of that drama!”
Alex groaned. Jesse helped her up. She
locked the doors on her way out. Jack ran to help her. He half carried her to the car.
“I want to go to the cabin,” Alex said. “I need to sleep for a while.”
“You going to end it?” Jack asked.
“I’m going to start it,” Alex said. “I just need to rest for a while.”
“Good girl,” Jack said.
He started the truck. They passed the contractor on the way out of the fence. Without saying another word, Jack drove her to her father’s cabin outside of Deckers in the Pike’s Peak National Forest. Jack stayed with her while she showered and got into bed. He left only when she was finally asleep.
Some hours later, the bed shifted with the weight of someone. Expecting Raz, Alex rolled on to her side and opened her eyes. John was sitting next to her.
“I quit. Just walked out,” he said. “I couldn’t take it anymore.”
Without saying another word, he took off his clothing and got into bed. He rolled onto his side, and she rolled onto her back. His arm went over her.
“I love you, Alex,” John said.
She fell into a sound, peaceful sleep.
F
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
A week later
November 21 — 9:25 a.m.
Pike’s Peak National Forest, outside of Deckers, Colorado
Alex looked up from the toaster when she heard Máire squeal with laughter. Joey’s lower, more subtle laugh came next. Precious, Samantha’s Cocker Spaniel, barked. Raz’s low mumble and the sound of little feet slipping around in the snow ensued.
“They’re having fun,” Samantha said.
“Snowman-making is serious business,” John said as he rushed into the kitchen.
He grabbed two carrots and a kiss before jogging out. The toaster oven rang, and Alex pulled four pieces of sourdough toast out of it. She set the plate in front of Samantha, who started buttering the toasted bread. Maggie, Alex and John’s English Springer Spaniel, sat at Samantha’s feet in hopes of getting some toast.
“Toast, the wonder food of all pregnant women,” Samantha said.
As if by magic, Samantha had exploded in size. She was six weeks pregnant and triple her usual size. Trying to avoid their mother, she escaped to the cabin to join Raz, who’d arrived a few hours after John arrived. Quince brought the twins that evening before escaping for some vacation of her own. They’d spent the last week laughing and enjoying the mountains. But Samantha’s ruse would end soon.
This was Thanksgiving week. The rest of the family as well as most of the Fey Team would arrive within the hour.
Alex set a jar of marmalade in front of Samantha and jumped back. Samantha laughed. Marmalade and toast were the only food Samantha was able to keep down.
“Let’s practice,” Alex said. Samantha looked up. Mimicking her mother’s voice, she said, “Why, Samantha! Look at you! Is it a boy or a girl?” Returning to her own voice, she said, “And you’ll say?”
“Bloody hell, mother! It’s a pea!” Samantha said with a laugh.
“That’s not very funny,” Rebecca said.
Samantha gasped and looked at Alex. She shook her head that she hadn’t known they were there.
“Why, Samantha! Look at you!” Rebecca gave Alex a wry look before adding, “Is it an almond or a pea?”
Samantha and Alex laughed. Rebecca put her hand on Samantha’s belly.
“I was just like this,” Rebecca said. “Six weeks?”
Samantha nodded.
“Me, too,” Rebecca said. “I don’t know where Erin gets her ability to get huge only at the end.”
“Better genes,” Patrick said. He set their bags down. He looked at Alex. “I couldn’t remember where it was that we are supposed to stay. Do you have the map?”
“You can stay in your own cabin, Dad!” Alex said. “It’s easy for us to move.”
He raised his hand at her protests. At that moment, Máire started to howl. Joey joined in a breath later. Shaking her head, Rebecca went through the cabin to where her grandchildren were crying.
“You were correct in thinking we’re too old for . . .” Patrick said. He waved in the direction of the children. “You kids were enough.”
“You’re next door,” Alex said. She held up the map and pointed to the cabin next door to them. “You can join in the fun stuff and leave the rest.”
“Perfect,” Patrick said.
He turned to leave when Colin walked in the door. He picked up Patrick and Rebecca’s bags.
“You’re this way,” Colin said.
He nodded hello to Alex and Samantha. Catching Samantha’s girth, he crossed his eyes in a typical youngest brother disgusted look. Patrick scowled at him and pushed him forward.
“See what I mean?” Patrick asked.
He nodded to Alex and followed Colin out of the cabin. Rebecca came in from the back.
“They were sad that they’d finished their snowman,” Rebecca said. “Those kids . . .”
She beamed as if she’d invented the children herself. Alex gave her mother an amused look. Rebecca scowled to Alex.
“What are you doing?” Rebecca said.
“Standing in the kitchen,” Alex said.
“Git out ’er der,” Cian said in an exaggerated accent as he came into the cabin. “Yer like to keell us, one and all.”
Rebecca waved Alex out of the kitchen. Cian touched Samantha’s shoulder and gave Alex a quick hug as she left the kitchen. Within moments, Rebecca and Cian’s heads were pressed together. Alex flared her nostrils at Samantha, and Samantha nodded.
Matthew came into the room and nodded to Alex. She smiled at Matthew and started walking in his direction. Samantha followed. Alex turned and looked at her sister.
“If you think you’re running off to do something interesting and I’m going to sit here with Mom, you’re dead wrong.” Samantha’s index finger poked at Alex’s chest.
“Fine,” Alex said. “Why don’t you go get Raz?”
Erin came into the cabin. She was holding her daughter Grace’s hand and carrying her daughter, Eunice, in a sling.
“I’ll get him,” Erin said as she passed. She touched Samantha’s belly and said, “Drinks with JAG, my ass.”
“Sorry,” Samantha said.
“I did the very same thing,” Erin said. The sisters hugged. “I’m happy for you both.”
“Mommy!” Grace said with a tug on Erin’s hand. “Paddie and Katy already made one for Ooljee! They said they’d make one for me, too!”
“We are very excited to make snowmen,” Erin said. She looked at Alex and added, “We saw them when we were coming in.”
“They’re straight through,” Alex said.
Alex grabbed the parka Jack had given her and Samantha pulled on Raz’s Fey jacket. They waited a few minutes before Raz came through. They smiled at the sound of Máire and Joey excited call to Grace. Raz glanced back before walking toward them.
“That’s very fun,” Raz said, grinning from ear to ear. He put his arm around Samantha. “Are we ready?”
Alex nodded.
“You brought everything?” Raz asked Matthew. He took Maggie’s leash from Alex.
Matthew nodded rather than respond. Matthew turned in place and they followed him to the cabin down the road from Patrick’s cabin. There was just enough snow for snowmen, but not enough to make it too slick to walk. Like something out of a music video, other members of the Fey Team joined them as they walked. Trece and White Boy were guarding the door to the cabin Matthew’s family was staying in.
“Margarita?” Leena asked when they entered.
Vince came out of the kitchen with a bowl of tortilla chips and some guacamole. Alex greeted everyone as they came in. Hearing a sound behind her, she turned to see Zack. He grabbed her and held her tight.
“Love you,” he said. He kissed her neck before letting her go.
“Okay, everyone,” Joseph said. “Let’s settle down and see if we can’t get through this. Mattie?”
M
atthew set a box on the coffee table. Trece and the White Boy settled on a couch in the back. Unable to resist them, Maggie dashed across the space to jump between the team members.
“Anyone sweep for bugs?” Raz asked.
“Just did, sir,” Margaret said with mock formality.
“We’re clean,” MJ said.
Alex nodded to Matthew, and he opened the box.
“I was once again attacked by someone who wanted a key,” Alex said. “Whether it’s a security token or some property or just a plain key, there’s a bunch of people who think I have something. We have also now learned about a key that opens the ugly bee. The little Romanian implied that I had this key, but I don’t think he knew, either. I wanted us to take a look at what I have and see if anything comes to mind.”
Alex looked from face to face as they nodded in agreement.
“I’ve spent many hours looking at this stuff,” Alex said. “Raz, too. Some of you have seen one or two of these items. But most of you haven’t seen all of them together. So you’re bound to have questions. Don’t hesitate to ask. You never know. You may see something that we have not.”
“I’m going to pass them around one at a time,” Matthew said. “We want to make sure they get back in the box that Sergeant Dusty is holding.”
Sergeant Dusty held up a cardboard box the same size as Matthew’s.
“Okay, here we go,” Matthew said. “We’re going to start with the things Alex found in her journals.”
“Wait,” Leena said. “Sorry — I have a couple of questions about that whole thing.”
“Go,” Alex said.
“Do you know what those items are?” Leena asked.
“I know what they are. I mean, it’s fairly obvious,” Alex said. “And I know what some of the items do. But not all of them.”
“You don’t remember why you put them in there?” Margaret asked.
“I don’t,” Alex said. “I’m pretty sure I put them in the journals in the last six months of working. I was trying to figure something out.”
“Did you?” Troy asked.
“I don’t think so,” Alex said.
“Did Raz know you were trying to figure something out?” White Boy asked.
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