Checking in.
She read Laken’s response.
Called Harper. She may or may not show up. Hold on till we get there, okay? You’re stronger than what your body feels right now. Remember that.
Her fingers hovered above the screen as she typed.
This is Harper, I’m checking in for Sterling. He’s pretty much exactly like you described.
The bubble popped up, and Harper waited.
Thank you for coming, Harper.
Harper gave a mirthless snort.
Yeah well, Kessed might be calling you because I peeled out of the driveway...
Harper waited.
Heard about that...I filled them in. No hiding things. We’re family. Jasper and Kessed know, and you should probably take your phone off silent...this is from Kessed who just texted me while I was texting you.
Harper grinned, unable to stop herself. Leave it to Kessed.
Forgot it was on silent. I’ll grab it and text them back. Jasper’s probably pissed as hell.
She glanced around the room for her phone.
Damn, she’d left it in the pickup.
Sterling’s phone buzzed, and she glanced down.
He’s not as angry as you’d think. More concerned about you, according to Kess.
Harper was pretty sure that after the concern wore off, Jasper would be pissed, but she’d deal with it later.
Or she’d encourage it.
Again with the toss-up.
I left my phone in the truck. I’ll run and grab it. I’ll keep you posted on my end till you get here.
Laken responded immediately.
Thank you.
She locked the screen and tossed it onto the mattress next to Sterling. The bed was still shaking along with his body, and she glanced at his face, reading his expression. Fear, frustration, and failure echoed in his eyes, and her heart pinched at the sight. She reached down and cupped his forehead, watching as his eyes slid closed at the contact.
Damn, he was so easy to love.
So damn hard to hate.
Even when she wanted to, even when she had such a good reason.
An angry tear slid down her cheek. As she lifted her hand, his gray eyes opened and met her own.
“I’m pissed as hell at you, but right now, I’m here.” She spoke softly, making no promises.
He nodded shakily. “Th-th-thank y-y-you.”
The words were soft, their depth echoed in his tortured gaze, and Harper took a step back, needing the distance. “I’m going to get my phone, I left it in the truck. I’ll be right back.”
At his nod, she walked out into the hall to the front door. As she stepped outside, the night was shifting into dawn while the stars faded to the east as the sky grew lighter. The gravel crunched under her feet on her way to the truck. Sure enough, her phone was on the passenger seat, displaying yet another missed text.
Rather than read through everything, she unlocked it and called Jasper.
“Harper, for shit sakes, and you get pissed at me for not answering my phone,” her brother said by way of greeting.
“Good morning to you, too,” Harper replied with sarcasm, but her body relaxed hearing his familiar tone.
“How is he?” Jasper asked with far less anger than she had expected, even given Laken’s assessment.
“Suffering.”
“Good,” Jasper replied.
“There’s the brother I know and love.” Harper sighed. “But really, he’s in a bad way. Even though I want to beat him with an old metal bat, I’m glad I’m here.”
Jasper sighed into the phone. “Yeah, Kessed’s been texting with Laken back and forth. I guess it happens pretty easily, the getting hooked.”
Harper glanced to the gravel. She hadn’t become addicted per se, but she also hadn’t been willing to let the meds go either. It would have been so easy for her and Sterling to switch places. The thought was sobering.
“Harper?”
“Yeah, sorry. I’m here.”
“Did...I mean, did you ever struggle when you got home from the hospital...?” Jasper asked the question she really didn’t want to answer right now.
“Yeah, I did.” She spat out the words quickly, closing her eyes as she waited for his response.
“Is that...” Jasper paused. “Is that why you never threw out that prescription? I mean, I kept tabs on it. Not going to lie about that. I know you never took the pills, but you never threw them out either....”
Harper kicked a rock, sending it sailing across the drive. “Yeah, it’s pretty much what you think it is.”
“Whoa,” Jasper answered, and Harper waited for the rest of the response. “I’m glad you stopped when you did, Harper.”
“Me too.” She glanced back to the ranch house. “I’m going to go. Sterling shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“I’m proud of you, sis.”
“Eh, you’re all right too, I guess.” Harper gave a small laugh. “Love you. See you later.”
“Later.”
She ended the call and headed to the house. When she walked back in to Sterling’s room, she noted that the shaking had subsided somewhat but hadn’t stopped completely. His phone buzzed from the bed, and she lifted it.
Be there in thirty minutes.
Laken was in Cle Elum, and Harper couldn’t decide if she was glad that she’d be relieved of watch duty, or if she wished she had longer.
“Sterling?”
His gaze focused on her, and his jaw clenched to keep his teeth from chattering.
“Laken’s about thirty minutes out.”
He nodded then took a deep breath through his nose. “Har-per,” he whispered softly, the effort in speaking obvious in the way his jaw clenched.
“Yeah?” She steeled herself, waiting for whatever came next.
“I took your leftover medication.” He spoke without stuttering, but as he finished, his teeth chattered violently.
She grimaced at the sound. “I know.”
He nodded once then spoke again. “I flushed them, but I was still wrong. I’m s-s-s-s—”
Harper leaned forward and pressed a finger against his lips. “Thank you.” It was all she could give.
While part of her was relieved that he hadn’t swallowed the medication, and honestly, it should have been obvious since he was clearly going through withdrawal symptoms, that didn’t negate the fact that he’d stolen them.
It might be something she could forgive.
It just wasn’t something she could forget.
And their relationship might not survive that.
What she needed to figure out was if she wanted to even try.
Half of her said yes. The other half said no.
And all of her was petrified.
Fear was calling the shots, and that was the least trustworthy emotion of all.
What she needed was time. And when Laken arrived, that was exactly what she’d get.
If that was what she needed, what she wanted...
Then why did it feel like her heart was breaking all over again?
CHAPTER 21
It had been a week of sheer hell.
When Laken had come home, Harper had kissed his cheek, said goodbye, and asked for time.
And who the hell was he to deny her anything?
It had all been Sterling’s fault, so he’d nodded, said a prayer, and watched the woman he loved walk out of his room, and possibly out of his life.
He’d wrestled with a broken heart, knowing he had no one to blame but himself, while also dealing with the withdrawal symptoms.
Laken had explained that it was opioid dependency and educated him on all the stages he’d encounter. As each day rolled into the next, one symptom would subside only to be replaced with a more po
werful one. Yet after the first three days, he’d started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Or maybe that was just the fact that he hadn’t slept in three days.
Another side effect—insomnia.
But throughout the whole process, Laken had been there, tag-teaming with Cyler, and Sterling’s respect for his brother-in-law had increased.
As the week wound down, he found he had more than enough time to think, process, and torture himself with his foolish choices.
I should have known.
I should have asked for help sooner.
I should have never taken the pain medication.
A thousand should haves and no excuses.
When Friday rolled around, he finally asked Laken if Harper had contacted her at all.
Laken took a seat on the bed, and Sterling tried to prepare himself.
“She asked me to text, so I have.”
He frowned, knowing he was missing something. “And?”
“And she hasn’t replied.” Laken reached out and touched his shoulder. “I’m sorry. That might not mean anything, or it could mean everything. Regardless, I think today you need to get out and get some fresh air. You’ve been cooped up in the house too long.” Laken shifted the conversation effectively, though Sterling’s thoughts still lingered on Harper.
As always.
And he vowed that if she’d give him even half a chance, he’d do everything in his power to earn her trust, no matter if it took him till his dying breath.
“C’mon. Let’s go.”
Laken offered her hand, and Sterling took it, using some of her strength to help him stand on his weakened legs. But thankfully, the joint pain had subsided and all that was left was a dull ache in his thigh that wasn’t overly bad.
“How’s the leg?” Laken asked when he was standing.
“Better than I expected.”
“That’s good. Can you manage from here?” Laken let go of his arm.
“Yeah.” Sterling nodded.
His sister walked out of the room, and he was about to follow when he glanced at his phone and, on a whim, grabbed it and put it in his pocket.
Laken turned from her path toward the kitchen and gave him a soft pat on the shoulder.
He crossed to the front door. As Sterling stepped out into the morning sunshine, he breathed in deeply, feeling like a prisoner who had just been granted a pardon, experiencing freedom for the first precious moments.
A smile slowly moved across his cracked but healing lips as he soaked in the warmth of the sunshine, the crisp fall air, and the scent of dry earth. He walked along the gravel drive toward the barn in a familiar limp, but rather than feeling weak, he was thankful for the slight pain and the feebleness he felt.
Hell, even the scars.
Each dull ache reminded him that there were no drugs blocking his senses.
Every limp reminded him of what he’d overcome.
The scars reminded him that he was healing.
Maybe not whole.
But whole enough.
As he walked into the barn, his gaze fell on Margaret, and he walked toward her, memories of Harper flooding him like heavy rain. He owed that woman more of an apology than what he’d been able to stammer out earlier. She deserved to ask him questions, throw punches, even run him over with her damn horse.
He pulled out his phone, snapped a picture of Margaret, and sent it as a peace offering to his friend.
Sterling wandered out from the barn and toward the fire-scarred hillside, remembering how he’d kissed Harper, remembering how he was terrified he’d break her heart.
As if somehow, deep inside, he’d known the truth.
His phone buzzed, and he glanced to the screen.
Making friends?
He grinned, thankful to have any response from Harper, let alone one that was full of her sexy sass that he missed so much.
Trying. I’ve been told that horses are good listeners.
He waited as Harper typed a response.
Cheaper than a therapist.
Sterling chuckled, then decided to take the risk.
I want to apologize. But if you can’t accept that right now, I understand. Because it’s not only about me. I’m learning that. Just because I need to apologize doesn’t mean that it’s more important than what you need. And if you still need time, it’s yours.
He wasn’t sure if that made total sense, but it was a shot. And it gave Harper the choice.
Love is patient. Love is kind.
Is not self-seeking...thinks of others.
He remembered his grandma saying that often. He’d been so young when she passed and hadn’t fully grasped the depth of the words.
Their truth.
He loved Harper with every fiber of his being.
But loving her meant that he’d think of her and what she needed first.
Not him.
Her.
Even if that meant letting go.
His phone buzzed, and he breathed in deeply and then read the message.
You damn well do owe me an apology. If you’re in the barn, I’m assuming you’re well enough to have at it. Be ready in ten minutes.
Sterling re-read the message, a wide grin breaking across his face.
I’ll be waiting.
Sterling didn’t expect a response and made his way back toward the barn, a frown puckering his brow as he considered just how to apologize for so much. He didn’t even know where to begin.
He was still processing his thoughts when he heard a truck come up the drive.
Heart pounding, he leaned against a worn beam and waited.
Harper stomped into the barn, hands on hips and a pissed-off expression on her face.
He’d never seen anything more beautiful.
“Hey,” he greeted, drinking in the sight of her, just in case it was one of the last times.
“Well?” she asked, hitching a shoulder and cocking her head. Her green eyes flashed with hurt and anger as she approached him, daring him to try to fix the mess he’d made.
Worst of all, he had nothing.
An apology wasn’t enough.
It was the truth, so that’s where he started. “Harper.”
She paused about a yard from him, her blond hair pulled into a low ponytail that curled at the purple tips. Wide lips were set in a firm line as she waited, arching a brow in defiance.
Damn, he loved her.
He stood fully, not using the beam for support as he regarded her. “I hurt you, and I said I wouldn’t.”
She nodded.
“I said I wouldn’t lie, but instead I stole. When you should have been able to trust me utterly, I went behind your back. And all the ways I promised to be strong, I had no right to lead you to believe I was anything other than weak. You’ve seen me at rock bottom, and right now, I’m only hovering an inch or two above it, and that’s on me. All this...” He pounded his chest as he gave his head a slow shake. “...is on me. My fault. My weakness, my stupid, fucked-up mess. And you deserve more than an apology, but it is literally the only thing I have to offer you.”
He held his hands up in surrender, breathing in the sight of her as emotions flickered across her expression more rapidly than he could catch.
The air was thick with tension as he waited, surrendered, fully expecting to watch her beautiful ass walk away.
Her lips parted. “Was it all a lie?”
Sterling frowned. Shock followed by despair knifed him in the heart as he understood her question. “No, never. Even when I took those damn pills from your bathroom, I came clean. Harper, the person I lied to wasn’t you. It was me. I tricked myself into thinking I was strong enough, that I wasn’t dependent on the drugs, that I wasn’t dependent on you, on anyone, all the while promising you
that I was able to be there for you, when I didn’t have my own shit together. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but Harper, none of this...” He flicked his finger between the two of them. “...was fake. It was as real as it gets, and I’m the reason that now it’s broken. And I’d give anything to make that right again.” He studied her face, the curve of her cheek, the perfect shape of her nose, wanting her so badly, yet loving her enough to want something better for her than what he had to offer.
“It’s been a long week.” Harper sighed, but it wasn’t a relaxed sound. It was tense like her shoulders, and Sterling steeled himself for what was surely the setdown and breakup he deserved. She continued. “Did you ever wonder why my medication was still there? It had been almost two years since I was in the hospital, Sterling.” Her blond brows furrowed.
The thought hadn’t crossed his mind, yet as he pondered it, he started to wonder if Harper knew more about dependence than he’d thought.
Had maybe even experienced it.
The concept rocked him. “No, actually. I hadn’t considered it.”
Harper blew out a slow breath, causing her perfect lips to curve into an O shape. “I kept them on purpose. Because I liked how they made me feel, how the medication gave me a sense of stability, of knowing everything would work out in a time when I wasn’t so sure. I wasn’t dependent like you were, but I wasn’t able to fully let go either.”
He wanted to reach out and grasp her hand, to hold her tightly and smell her sun-kissed hair, to share that understanding with her, because he knew exactly what she meant. The drugs had made him feel powerful. They’d made him feel in control and...happy. And they had come at the time in his life when those very things had been in short supply.
Damn, he wished he’d known it before he’d even taken the pills home.
“So, what I’m saying is that I understand. That doesn’t make what you did right.” She lifted a hand. “But it means...it’s not unforgiveable, Sterling.”
He gave a slow nod, beyond grateful to have her forgiveness, but knowing it fell so short of what he truly wanted.
Her love.
“Thank you, Harper. That’s more than I deserve,” he answered openly.
The Cowgirl Meets Her Match (Elk Heights Ranch) Page 22