Uncle John’s
GIANT
10th ANNIVERSARY
BATHROOM
READER
The Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S
GIANT 10th ANNIVERSARY
BATHROOM READER
Copyright © 1997 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc. All rights reserved.
For information, write The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld
BRI Technician on back cover: Larry Kelp
Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader
by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
eISBN: 978-1-60710-669-2
E-Book Edition: November 2012
“One Tough Lama,” reprinted with permission from CyberSangha: The Buddhist Alternative Journal, copyright © 1996.
“Sex in Aladdin: Anatomy of a Rumor,” copyright © 1995; “Is Your Name Your Destiny?,” copyright © 1997, and “The First Computer Programmers,” copyright © 1996, reprinted by permission of the Wall Street Journal, Dow Jones and Co., Inc. All rights reserved worldwide.
“A Clean Fight: Bath vs Shower,” by Jay Stuller, reprinted with permission from HEALTH (formerly IN HEALTH), copyright © 1990.
“What a Trip! The CIA & LSD,” “Silkwood,” and “Castro vs. the CIA,” originally appeared in It’s a Conspiracy! by The National Insecurity Council. Text copyright © 1992, by Michael Litchfield. Published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of EarthWorks Press.
Selections from Primetime Proverbs, copyright © 1989, by Jack Mingo and John Javna, reprinted by permission of the authors.
“The Insane Experiment,” by David Perlman, copyright © 1973, San Francisco Chronicle, reprinted with permission.
“Elvis Sings Opera,” and “So You Want to be a Rock and Roll Star?” from Behind the Hits, copyright © 1985, by Bob Shannon and John Javna, reprinted by permission of the authors.
“The Great Regurgitator” and “The Proverbial Truth” extracts from THE BOOK OF LISTS, copyright © 1980, by David Wallechinsky, Irving Wallace, Sylvia Wallace, and Amy Wallace and DAVID WALLECHINSKY’S TWENTIETH CENTURY copyright © 1995 by David Wallechinsky, reprinted with kind permission from the authors.
“Who Painted the Elevator?,” from Opus Maledictorum: A Book of Bad Words copyright © 1966 by Reinhold Aman, reprinted by permission of the publisher, Marlowe & Co.
“Countdown to 2000,” “Exploitation 2000,” from The Bathroom Readers’ Guide to the Year 2000, copyright © 1996, by Eric Lefcowitz, reprinted by permission of EarthWorks Press.
Excerpts used in “Japan’s Space-Age Toilets,” from But Do They Flush?, by Mary Jordan and Kevin Sullivan (Washington Post Foreign Service), copyright © 1997, The Washington Post, reprinted with permission.
“Alias ‘Alan’ Smithee,” from Allen Smithee, copyright © 1996, The Economist Newspaper Group, Inc., reprinted with permission. Further reproduction prohibited.
“Encyclopedia Bathroomica,” originally appeared as “Encyclopedia Tropicana: A Reference Book to the Modern World,” by Joel Achenbach, copyright © 1986. Reprinted with permission of The Miami Herald.
“Techno-Slang,” from Jargon Watch by Gareth Branwyn, copyright © 1996. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Gareth Branwyn and Wired Books, Inc.
“Looking Forward, Looking Back,” was originally the Palo Alto High School Baccalaureate Speech given June 11, 1995 by Guy Kawasaki, copyright © 1995 Guy Kawasaki. Used by his kind permission.
“Radio Waves” from Reading the Numbers, A Survival Guide to the Measurements, Numbers, and Sizes Encountered in Everyday Life, copyright © 1989, Beaver Island Books. Permission to reprint by Mary Blocksma.
Calling all Bathroom Readers!
Visit our new website at
www.unclejohn.com or
www.bathroomreader.com
• Submit articles!• Enter contests!
• Suggest topics for future editions!
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
John Javna
John Dollison
Gordon Javna
Jack Mingo
Lenna Lebovich
Tim Harrower
Erik Linden
Sage
Jennifer Massey
David Sugar (Prof. Pear)
Erin Keenan
Casey Bourgeois
Melissa Schwarz
Sharilyn Hovind
Andy Sohn
Michael Brunsfeld
Sherry Powell
Chris Rose-Merkle
Béla Keenan
David Wallechinsky
Scott Dalgarno
Stephanie Keenan
Askjanis Editorial
Julie Roeming
Lonnie Kirk
Paul Stanley
Bennie Slomski
Jeff Altemus
Valerie Hendel
Jeff Painter
Paul Protter
Shelley Brigman
Mary Kaufman
Andrea Freewater
Abby Granach
Richard Moeschl
Jenny McCracken
Bill Eriksen
Peter McCracken
Thomas Crapper
Jesse & Sophie, B.R.I.T.
Steve Brummett
Sam and Sarah
Hi to Emily and Molly!
“The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them”
—Samuel McChord Crothers, The Gentle Reader
Hiya Gideon! Hiya Sam!
CONTENTS
NOTE
Because the B.R.I. understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—1 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required.
*Extended—for a leg-numbing experience.
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
Bathroom Beginnings
Medium
A Clean Fight: Bath vs Shower
Who Painted the Elevator?
Long
Japan’s Space-Age Toilets
THE REEL STUFF
Short
First Films
Movie Bloopers
Reel Quotes
Reel Quotes
Hard-Boiled
Damn You, Stink Man!
Wretched Reviews
Medium
Video Treasures
Long
Little Shop of Horrors
*King Kong
WORDPLAY
Short
Flubbed Headlines
Why Ask Why?
Why Ask Why?
The Personals
Har-Har! Rah-Rah!
Techno-slang
Alpo & Green Slime
Yiddish-American Slang
Parlez-Vous Pentagonese?
Modern-Day Latin
SUPERSTITION & TRADITIONS
Short
; Celebrity Superstitions
Medium
Why a Rabbit’s Foot?
Love Potion #9
Old Wives’ Tales
Curses!
Curses!
Baseball Curses
Superstitions
Long
The Curse of the Hope Diamond
POP SCIENCE
Short
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Here Comes the Sun
Mr. Moonlight
The Proverbial Truth
Medium
Life’s an Itch
Fart Facts
Oh, What a Tangled Web
How a Microwave Works
The Insane Experiment
The Big Dipper
The Discovery of the Planets
Great Moments in Telephone History
Long
Radio Waves
* Encyclopedia Bathroomica
MYTH-INFORMED
Short
Myth-Conceptions
Myth-Spoken
Medium
Classic Rumors
Based on a True Story
Queen of the Nile
Olympic Myths
Long
*Urban Legends
* Anatomy of a Rumor
POLITICS
Short
Your Government at Work
Medium
Democracy in Action
Presidential Influence
Other Presidential Firsts
Long
Celebrity Also-Rans
THE NAME GAME
Short
Brand Names
Brand Names
Founding Fathers
For Your Reading Pleasure
Medium
Word Geography
Word Geography
Alias “Alan Smithee”
Long
Is Your Name Your Destiny?
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Alienisms
Barryisms
Uncle Albert Says
The First Lady
Roseanne Sez
What’s a Rudner?
Seinfeldology
Give ’em Hell, Harry
Mark Twain Says
Wilde About Oscar
Wright On
Canine Quotes
The Best Things Ever Said?
Let’s Rock!
You Should Never
Politalks
THAT’S DEATH!
Short
Near-Death Experiences
Medium
They Went That-a-Way
They Went That-a-Way
After the Funeral
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
McRevenge!
A Yen for Egg Rolls
The Fortune Cookie
What’s for Breakfast?
Medium
The Tomato
Freeze-dried Cats and Cottage Cheese
Long
Let There Be Lite
Let There Be Lite, Part II
TV’s TOP 10
Short
1949-1954
1955-1960
1961-1966
1967-1972
1973-1978
1979-1984
1985-1990
1991-1997
As Seen on TV!
Legendary TV Flops
AMERICANA
Short
Building a Better Squirt Gun
Weird Celebrations
Medium
The Birth of the Microwave
The Writing on the Wall
More Writing on the Wall
Launching Air Jordan
Lemons
Notable Books
Long
The History of the Yo-Yo
THE TONIGHT SHOW
Medium
The Birth of “The Tonight Show,” Part I
The Birth of “The Tonight Show,” Part II
“The Tonight Show,” Part III
“The Tonight Show,” Part IV
“The Tonight Show,” Part V
“The Tonight Show,” Part VI
“The Tonight Show,” Part VII
“The Tonight Show,” Part VIII
MODERN MYTHOLOGY
Short
Modern Mythology
Medium
Bond…James Bond, Part I
It’s a Miracle!
Long
Bond on Film
Bond(s)…James Bonds, Part II
The Resurrection of Elvis, Part I
The Resurrection of Elvis, Part II
ANCIENT MYTHOLOGY
Short
The Sword of Damocles
Medium
The Foolish Hunter
How the Spider Was Created
PRIMETIME PROVERBS
Short
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
FAMILIAR PHRASES
Short
Familiar Phrases
Familiar Phrases
Familiar Phrases
Medium
Familiar Phrases
LAW & ORDER
Short
Dumb Crooks
Court Transquips
Court Transquips
Looney Laws
Medium
Strange Lawsuits
More Strange Lawsuits
Celebrity Lawsuits
It’s the Law…Or Is It?
FRAUDS & HOAXES
Medium
Read All About It!
Read All About It!
You Call That Art?
You Call That Art? II
Television Hoaxes
Famous Publishing Hoaxes
Long
*The Newspaper Hoax That Shook the World
CONSPIRACY
Medium
The Acme Anti-Castro Spy Kit
Long
What Happened at Roswell?, Part I
What Happened at Roswell?, Part II
What a Trip! The CIA & LSD
*Silkwood
POP-POURRI
Short
Little Things Mean a Lot
Spaced-Out Sports
The Truth About Love
Medium
One Tough Lama
For Cynics Only
Broadway Obsession
The Great Regurgitator
Groucho Marx, Attorney at Law, Part 1
Groucho Marx, Attorney at Law, Part II
Groucho Marx, Attorney at Law, Part III
There’s Egg on Your Face!
Now Hear This!
What’s a Blue Moon?
Long
Anatomy of Laughter
The Eiffel Tower, Part I
The Eiffel Tower, Part II
The Leaningest Tower on Earth
The Disappearance of the Mary Celeste
*Looking Forward, Looking Back
KIDS’ CLASSICS
Medium
Go Ask Alice
The World According to Alice
The Secret of Nancy Drew
THE YEAR 2000
Short
Countdown to 2000
Exploitation 2000
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Celebrity Gossip
Medium
Famous for Being Naked
The Naked Truth
The First Centerfold
Public Proposals
Animals Famous for 15 Minutes
Anonymous Stars
Unlucky Stars
Long
Famous for 15 Minutes
Famous for 15 Minutes
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Oops!
Oops!
Informal Writing
Medium
The Spider Dance
The Secret of
Missed It By That Much
Oops—False Alarm!
In Dreams
Politically Correct Quiz
Lucky Finds
Lucky Finds
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Forgotten History
Forgotten Pop History
Forgotten Pop History
Medium
Dustbin of History
Mothers of Invention
The First Computer Programmers
Long
The Fight for Safe Milk, part I
The Fight for Safe Milk, part II
MUSIC
Short
Oh, Frankie!
Medium
So You Wanna be a Rock-’n-Roll Star?
The History Of Rock: A Quiz
The History of Rock: A Quiz
Elvis Sings Opera
Long
History of the Electric Guitar
QUIZ ANSWERS
Politically Correct Quiz
Rock Quiz, I
Rock Quiz, II
Legal Quiz
INTRODUCTION
Today, on the way to work, Uncle John stopped at a coffee stand to brace for the final push to get this book to the printer. He noticed some “French Vanilla” Coffee Mate on a table, and mused that it might make a good article. “Oh, you write?” said the kid making the coffee. “Whaddya write?”
“Books. Something called the Bathroom Reader.”
“You’re kidding! I grew up with them! My grandma has the whole collection!”
That’s when Uncle John realized how long he’s been doing this. We at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute are actually writing for a second generation of bathroom readers! “I can’t believe that this series is older than my kids,” Uncle John says.
Suddenly it’s been 10 years and 1.5 million books since the first Bathroom Reader. People know who we are. We’ve even spawned imitators—there’s a burgeoning Bathroom Books segment of the publishing industry. We know we’re extremely lucky to have such loyal readers.
We’ve also been lucky, over the years, to have worked with some wonderful people: John D., Lenna L., Michael B., Sharilyn H., Paul Stanley and Julie Roeming at Banta, Andy S., Eric L., and a whole bunch more. By the way—that’s Larry Kelp of the BRI on the back cover, not Uncle John.
This edition of the Bathroom Reader is a little different from the others (but not by too much). The biggest difference is the special “Extended Sitting” Section at the end. Over the years, the most persistent request from readers has been for us to add some longer pieces, for times when it’s necessary to sit in one place for a while. But we’ve never wanted to limit the rest of the material to do it. This year, we’ve made the book longer than usual—and now there’s room for everything.
This was also the first book we’ve done in the sleepy little town of Ashland, Oregon, the Institute’s new home. We have a whole new staff at the BRI helping to put it together, and you can see for yourself how well they’ve done. We’re proud of them…and amazed that they’ve come up with even more material to fit the needs of bathroom readers everywhere. We’re already hard at work on the next volume!
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