She shook her head, pulling the sheet to her face to wipe away the tears.
“Sweetheart, what’s up?”
She pulled away from him, embarrassed by being so obvious. He spooned behind her, his hand and fingers splayed across her stomach. He hooked his chin over her shoulder.
“Tell me,” he whispered.
After hesitating, not wanting his pity, she changed her mind about keeping the information to herself. The weight had become unbearable. “I got the results.”
His hand tightened over her waist. “And?”
“I’m as close as you can get to being positive for Huntington’s without getting complete confirmation.”
“Come again?” He pulled her onto her back so he could look at her face. A shadow of sadness and confusion covered his eyes.
She explained everything the genetic counselor had told her. How she might or might not develop the symptoms of Huntington’s over her lifetime, and how her offspring could also develop the disease.
“I never really thought about having children, but now that I’ve been told I shouldn’t.” More tears brimmed. She shook her head. “I hate not having options. I hate wondering if I’m going to get sick and lose everything I’ve worked for my whole life.”
He kissed her forehead. “Sweetheart, you’re only thirty-two. You’ll have your whole life ahead of you.”
“How do you know that? Are you God? I could develop this vile disease next week, tomorrow even.”
He enveloped her in his embrace, rocked her gently, and kissed her hair.
Pain sliced through her core. She’d been given a damning diagnosis, or non-diagnosis, depending on how she interpreted it, and she’d fallen in love with a man, a most unlikely man, all in the same week.
That’s why what she was about to tell him would be the hardest thing she’d ever had to do in her life.
CHAPTER TEN
“TELL me what you need.” Jared wrapped Kasey tight against his body, and she almost succumbed to feeling safe. “I’m here for you,” he said.
“I don’t want your pity.” She pushed away from his chest, trying to roll away.
“I’m not pitying you, I’m consoling you.” He wouldn’t let her go. “That’s what friends do.”
She quit fighting him. He admitted he was her friend. That was something, but was it enough? And what about that look she’d glimpsed in his eyes when they’d made love? Truth was, she couldn’t deal with her diagnosis and confused heart, and Jared offering his friendship when what she really wanted, if she was being honest, was so much more. Their simple, nostrings relationship was tainted now. She’d never know if he’d stuck around because he felt sorry for her or if he really cared. It was all too confusing. She had to put a stop to it. “Will you do anything I ask?”
“Yes.”
“Then leave. Please. Leave and never come back or call.”
As if the words had hit him like a sucker punch, it took a moment for him to answer. “You don’t mean that.” He tried to pull her close again, but she wouldn’t let him.
“Yes, I do.”
“Come on, you’re just all shook up.” He held her by the shoulders and tried to make eye contact. She didn’t cooperate, afraid of what she might see, of being convinced too easily her plan was full of holes. “You’re not thinking straight. You need me now more than ever.”
“I don’t want to need anyone. I hardly know you.”
He gave her a gentle shake. She still refused to look into his eyes. “You know me better than any person in my life right now. And I think I can say the same of you.”
“In the bedroom, Jared. Only in the bedroom.” She tried not to watch his mouth tighten into a straight line of disapproval, tried not to think of how it would be to never see him again. “You’re just someone I happened to know for a couple of weeks. Someone I screwed. That’s pitiful. Isn’t it?” Finally, she glanced at his eyes, saw the hurt and disbelief there, then flicked her gaze away because it hurt so much. Hit and run. She couldn’t get sucked into emotion.
“Not from where I’m standing. I think what we’ve got is pretty damn great.”
“Please go, Jared. Just go.” She squirmed like a child in trouble, needing to do something drastic.
“I won’t do it.”
Houdini quick, she disengaged from his grasp, jumped out of bed, and hit him with her pillow. “Go!” she yelled, hitting him over and over again, letting all the pent-up frustration and anger at her circumstances take over. “Go away.”
He crossed his arms to cover his face, ducking with each pelt of the pillow. “You’re being unreasonable. Hysterical.” He rolled off the bed and stood. “Calm down.”
She couldn’t let him close again. “No! Go away. Leave me alone!” she said, ready to hit him with the pillow again. “I don’t want you here.”
He raised his hands in surrender, an odd, unidentifiable expression on his face. Defeat? “Is that what you really want?”
Steeling herself against whirling emotions and a deep pain in her sternum, she drew a calming breath. “Yes. Please leave.”
The muscle at his jaw bunched as he pressed his mouth into a thin line of disbelief. His eyes probed with surgical precision, yet he didn’t utter a sound. She didn’t think she could bear another second of his scrutiny, wanting to take the pillow and cover her face. He must have sensed her desperation. He swallowed, bent to pick up his clothes, got dressed, and left without another word.
Once he’d cleared the house she dropped to her knees and let the tornado of feelings overcome her, tearing her apart, thrashing her against the walls until she surrendered. Sobbing, curled into the fetal position, she stayed on the wooden planks of her floor letting time slip by one heartbeat at a time.
She couldn’t control the disease that toyed with her wellbeing, but she could control who and what came into and out of her life. Jared had found the key to a satisfying profession, he had two children he adored, and a future bright with possibilities. He was a California native and would move home as soon as his fellowship ended. There was no future for the two of them.
Did she even have a future?
The last thing he needed in his life was to be shackled to a wildcard like her.
*
Kasey had been the second woman in his life to kick him out. Jared slammed the car door and started the engine. His wife had done it because he’d quit caring. Kasey had just given him the boot because he did care. Would he ever figure women out? He shifted the car into gear but had the good sense to wait until he calmed down to pull into traffic.
He’d just made love to her in a way he’d never made love to his wife in thirteen years of marriage. He’d never wanted to please anyone more in his life. Since when had caring and consideration become a bad thing?
Well, to hell with her. He’d been kicked in the teeth enough and he’d had it. From now on it was all going to be about his kids and his profession. And getting back to California as soon as possible.
He pulled onto the road and immediately got honked at when he cut off a car. Not giving a damn, he cupped the crook of one elbow with his other hand and shoved his fist in the air when the other car swung wide around him. The guy gave a reciprocal gesture.
He’d had it with love.
Halfway down the street, the thought finally sank in. The word stopped him cold. Love?
He got another honk and remembered to put his foot back on the gas to enter the freeway.
Was that this crazy feeling he’d been carrying around with him lately, the odd sensation that nagged at him and kept him awake at night? The constant and unsettling feeling that there was so much more to take out of life, that he’d been squandering good solid feelings by shoving them deep down inside until they backed up and made him one miserable guy?
He shook his head. If this was love, who needed it? He changed lanes and got another horn toot for his efforts. What was up with his driving today?
Nowhere near ready to call what he w
as feeling for Kasey right this moment anything but being mad as hell, he stepped on the gas and headed for his exit.
*
Somehow Kasey managed to get through work. An onslaught of patients helped keep her mind focused on the job and not her troubles.
As she called in the ultrasound request for one of the regular Everett Clinic patients and waited on hold, she explained her reasoning.
“We’ve been putting this off long enough, Mrs. Driscoll. It’s time to get an ultrasound of your gallbladder. You’ve been coming here complaining of dyspepsia for a couple of months, and last week we drew some blood. The lab results show an elevation of bilirubin, alkaline phosphatase, AST and ALT. These indicate something is going on beyond an upset stomach.”
“What if it’s gallstones?”
“First we see what the ultrasound shows. If there are gallstones, the radiologist will contact me and we can arrange for a surgeon to examine you. Oh, excuse me.” The radiology department receptionist picked up the phone, abruptly ending Vivaldi’s Four Seasons smack in the middle of the movement that sounded like rain. “Yes, this is the Everett Community Clinic and I need to schedule an ultrasound to rule out cholelithiasis.” Kasey gave all the pertinent information then waited, once again put on hold, while the appointment date got worked out.
“These days, having your gallbladder removed is much easier,” she said to the sixty-five-year-old woman. “They do it as day surgery, go through your navel, collapse the gallbladder, pull it out through a tiny opening, put in a few stitches, and send you home with a little drain in place.”
“My goodness. That doesn’t sound so bad.”
“It really isn’t. Of course, if there are complications, they’d remove the gallbladder the old way, and you might have to spend a day or two in the hospital.”
“I’d rather have it the easy way,” Mrs. Driscoll said, a pyramid of lines on her forehead.
Kasey smiled at her. “That would get my vote, too.” The woman came back on the phone and gave the appointment date and time. “Great. Thank you.”
Kasey jotted down the information, pulled one of her low-fat diet sheets from the file in the cabinet, and faced Mrs. Driscoll. “I’ve made an appointment at the radiology department for next week. Here’s the date and time.” Kasey handed the appointment sheet to her. “Notice there are instructions to follow down below there.” She gestured towards the sheet of paper. “Stay on the low-fat diet from now on, and have nothing by mouth after midnight the night before the examination.”
Kasey finished up with patient education, reassuring Mrs. Driscoll they’d take this process one step at a time. It made her think of her own circumstances, and how she’d have to take the rest of her life one step, one day at a time. After seeing her patient out the door, she quickly became distracted by her worries again, and wandered toward her desk.
Vincent must have sensed that something was up as he hung around the area, finding this and that to fiddle with. “Want to talk about anything?” he asked, avoiding eye contact.
“I’m fine.”
He turned his head and stared. “You look like hell.”
“Blame it on Arturo.”
“Whatever, girlfriend.” He brushed her off with a loose wave. “Yesterday you loved the cut.”
“That was yesterday.”
He shook his head. “When you’re ready to talk, I’m all ears.” He walked off in a huff, grabbing his laptop on his way.
Was her plan to alienate everyone she cared about? Dropping her head into her hands, she leaned her elbows on the desk, holding her breath and squinting to stave off the tears. It wouldn’t work. Eventually she’d have to come up for air from fighting the steadily mounting sobs.
*
Jared made surgical rounds with the conjoined twins team on Friday afternoon. Amazingly, he’d managed a couple hours’ nap after leaving Kasey’s house, and almost felt human again. A team of neurologists was exiting the patient rooms when they arrived.
“Jared,” Dick Ortega said. “I got that referral you sent me, and made an appointment for next week.”
It didn’t register. “Referral?
The neurologist must have read his blank stare. “The one for the nurse with Huntington’s. I got your e-mail and expedited her appointment—plan to see her Monday afternoon.”
“Hey, great. Thanks for that.”
“It’s the least I could do after the way you made my wife look fifteen years younger.” The silver-haired doctor smiled with a knowing twinkle in his dark eyes.
Face lift? Tummy tuck? Oh, snap, both.
“What time’s the appointment?”
“Four-thirty.”
His surgical team had moved into Twin A’s room, the girl named Estrella, so he thanked the good doctor. After all the headlines across the globe about their surgical success, her name couldn’t be more appropriate. She was definitely a star. He rushed to catch up, not wanting to miss out on the first day’s progress post-op, which gave all the signs of being phenomenal. Even with the historical ramifications of this surgery, the excitement of a dozen surgeons beating their chests with success, his mind had drifted somewhere else.
Surrounded by no less than thirty people, it occurred to Jared that Kasey had to face her future alone, and the thought sat like a boulder in his gut. He knew what it was like to be alone, how a person scarred up and lost the gift of feelings. She was too vibrant and full of life to allow herself to become one of the walking dead. Kasey had challenged him, debrided his thickened hide, and welcomed him back to life. Just like the cleft palate surgery had given him the clue that he wasn’t content to be a cosmetic surgeon. She’d reached him through nostrings sex, sex that had turned into a surprisingly easygoing friendship, and much, much more.
Jared exited the hospital room along with his colleagues, smiling over the patient progress yet lost in his own thoughts. The “much, much, more” part of knowing Kasey was what worried him. How had it happened?
The answer didn’t matter, because he was well beyond reason and logic. He was desperate. He’d hooked up with a nurse for some fun, had gotten in over his head, and had fallen in love instead. Didn’t that beat all?
*
All Kasey wanted to do was sleep through the weekend. She knew it was the coward’s way out, but at the moment the wounds she bore were too tender for everyday life. She also knew she’d toughen up eventually, but right now she wanted to baby herself. Didn’t she deserve it? She’d allow herself this one weekend to wallow in her cares, and then she’d do what she always did when life kicked her in the gut, she’d stand back up and get on with it.
On Saturday morning she hugged the pillow to her stomach and curled around it on the bed. Stop thinking. Go back to sleep.
Who the heck was knocking at her front door? She’d paid the rent. She’d also warned Vincent to leave her alone all weekend. He wouldn’t dare stop by, unless he wanted to chance her wrath.
The doorbell rang. Three. Annoying. Times.
Kasey curled tighter, humming to drown out the sound, determined to let whoever the rude person was think she wasn’t home.
It got quiet. Phew, they’d left.
New rapping came from what sounded like the back door. Was someone trying to break into her house?
Don’t get up. Ignore everything. The alarm is set. This is your weekend off. Besides, it was probably Vincent being a PIA, even though she’d told him to leave her alone, and the last thing she needed today was a pain in the ass hanging around.
After another few seconds of silence, the damn front doorbell rang again. Could anyone on earth be this rude?
Tossing the pillow aside, she strode to the living room and looked out the peephole, soon needing to catch her breath.
Jared was at her front door, looking through the peephole back at her. All she could see was one huge blue eye.
“Go away.”
“I want to talk to you.”
“Our fling is over.”
&nbs
p; “Daddy, what’s a fling?”
Kasey moved from the peephole and lifted a corner of the curtain. A spider-thin, preadolescent girl stood beside Jared. She wore straight-legged jeans and a fuzzy fake fur jacket with a hood, had wavy hair like her father, which was pulled back into a ponytail, and, well, she’d seen the girl’s picture before. She had her father’s eyes.
“It’s what people who like each other do. We call it dating.” Jared glared at her through the window. “Are you going to open up?”
It was his weekend to have his kids and, knowing Jared, he wouldn’t miss it for the world. She noticed a healthy-looking boy on the sidewalk, playing Hacky Sack—the spitting image of his dad in baggy shorts and a bright red T-shirt. His dark brown hair was on the long side.
“You brought your kids here?”
“What else was I supposed to do? Desperate men do desperate things. Besides, this can’t wait. Now open the door.”
“Go away.”
“You’re going to turn me down in front of my kids? That’s cold, lady.”
“You’re not fighting fair.”
“I’m not fighting. I said I’m desperate. I want to make up with you. Now.”
“Why do you want to make up, Daddy?”
Kasey grimaced. What was she supposed to do? Jared had brought the subject back up, and regardless of what went on between them the kids didn’t need to be dragged into it. Why did he have to be so reckless?
“Because Kasey is my friend, and she’s mad at me, and I don’t want her to be.” He said it so fast Kasey could hardly follow.
They hadn’t had a fight. What she’d had was a rare moment of common sense regarding Jared. Could the little girl understand that?
“This is totally inappropriate. You shouldn’t have brought your children here.”
“Desperate times take drastic measures.”
If desperate times meant that a man who only got to see his kids every other weekend might do something crazy like bring them along when he needed to make things right with her, he certainly had taken drastic measures. It was almost touching, but she couldn’t let him sway her.
She opened the door a couple of inches. “I’m not dressed for company. Can you come back later?”
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