by Amanda Black
“They don’t deserve your tears or your pain,” she’d whispered in my bedroom before kissing me on the head and turning out the light.
The memory still hurt, but it was starting to hurt less. It didn’t make me any less gun-shy about the thought of dating someone new, however.
Some days, for a little extra spending money, I would babysit my cousins Mason and Layne, the two sons of my Uncle Ethan and my Aunt Lily. Mason was almost twelve and constantly balked at needing a sitter, but Layne was eight and loved having a new person around to play with.
One such day found me annihilating Mason in video bowling when my Aunt Lily came home from work. The boys ran to give her hugs, so I started picking up the leftover toys scattered on the floor.
“Hey kiddo,” she said as she walked over, grabbing another random action figure and tossing it in the Rubbermaid container I was filling up.
“Hi. How was your day at work?”
“Oh, it was work,” she sighed. She was a nurse at the local gynecologist’s office and had been working there since before I was born. My mom actually met her there when she was a patient. “Have you seen your uncle at all today?”
“He came in for lunch a couple hours ago, but then it was right back to his studio.”
“Sounds like Ethan,” she chuckled. “At least he’s eating.” My uncle was an artist and was known to get lost in his own world for long stretches of time. “Thanks again for helping with the boys. It’s good for him to have some time to work without them getting in his hair all day.”
“Of course, I love the boys. I’m happy to help.”
“Well, I’ll still be glad when school starts. Are you ready for your last year?”
“I guess. I don’t really know anybody here yet, other than you guys and Grandma and Grandpa. There is this younger kid who’s been over with his parents—I guess his dad went to school with mine—but he’s sort of obnoxious. I hope that’s not a sign of things to come.”
“Well, there’s no shortage of obnoxious boys in any town,” she laughed. “He was probably trying to impress you. Pretty eighteen-year-old girl like you, how can you blame him?” We talked for a little longer about mundane things before she cleared her throat and started fidgeting with her hands. “So…listen sweetie…your mom wanted me to talk to you.”
“What about?” I had a dreadful feeling that I knew exactly what about.
“We think it might be a good idea if you come in to the clinic for an appointment. I can get you in with Dr. Wilde this week or next and we can get it out of the way.”
“Why do I need an appointment?” I asked innocently.
“Honey, this may be uncomfortable coming from your aunt, but your mom assumed it would be more comfortable than if it were coming from her.” Okay, she had me there. “She filled me in on…some things. Now, we don’t need to talk about those things, but I really think that we should run a few tests just to make sure that you’re okay.”
It took me a minute to get what she was suggesting. “Aunt Lily, I don’t have any STDs! We were always safe, I made sure of it.”
“What did you use?” She went into full-on nurse mode. “I know it’s embarrassing but it’s no joke, believe me.”
“Condoms,” I whispered, blushing furiously.
“Well that’s good, and I’m proud of you. I still want to run a few tests just to be safe. You don’t want something rearing its ugly head later. I’m sure you’re fine but this way we’ll know. Also, I think you should get on the pill.”
“Why the pill? I’m not even thinking about seeing anyone right now.”
She glanced out the kitchen window to my uncle’s studio above the garage and then smiled warmly at me. “Because some of the best experiences in life are unexpected, and I’d rather you have a backup. Trust me; you won’t always feel this way.”
Exactly a week later, I had a clean bill of health and a purse full of pill samples. I thought Lily was worrying too much, but I had to admit that it felt like an enormous weight I hadn’t even known existed was lifted off my shoulders.
Now I only had to face a new school year with total strangers.
Chapter 2
Mercer County High School was much smaller than I was used to, but it had its advantages. Because of the small classes, all the kids had pretty much known each other since birth. They still had small cliques here and there, but the lines were much more blurred than I was used to. The most popular jocks were on the honor roll and hung out with computer geeks, cheerleaders hung out with kids in the band, and stoners were friends with everyone. Nobody really gave a crap who you were or what you did, as long as you were true to yourself.
It was a welcome change from where I came from. As Riley’s girlfriend, I’d been expected to dress and act a certain way. If I did anything remotely questionable. my so-called “friends” would call me out, from wearing the wrong brand of jeans or playing uncool music to watching TV shows they thought were lame. They drilled their petty rules into my head until I was just like them. I could see now that I had been at serious risk of losing everything that made me who I was.
By the end of my first week, I was back to wearing my favorite hoodie again and my chucks had never felt so good. All of my advanced classes had a nice mixture of different types of people and for once I didn’t feel like a freak because I liked to read. Everyone was welcoming and kind—I instantly felt like I belonged.
By the end of my second week, I realized that I didn’t miss my last school at all. It also dawned on me that Riley had always been a shit boyfriend, even before he started screwing around on me, and I was better off alone than with someone like him. As far as I was concerned, I was done with boys until further notice.
Now, if I could just stop missing sex, everything would be perfect.
* * *
After two months, it wasn’t any better. There weren’t even any boys that interested me, but I couldn’t stop obsessing about sex.
I was also starting to wonder if it might be better with someone new, which had me re-evaluating the whole “no boys” plan. The only problem was…who? A few random jocks here and there had tried approaching me, but I shut them down so fast it made their heads spin. I didn’t like the thought of dating boys who reminded me so much of Riley. It also wasn’t a good sign that the only guys who seemed interested in me were the stereotypical meatheads in town.
“Earth to Eden!”
“Huh?” I blinked a few times to find my friend Amy waving her hand in front of my face. We were sitting at a table in the back of the library during study hall and, apparently, I had zoned out again. “Sorry, what did you say?”
“I asked if you were going to Devon’s party after the game tomorrow.”
“Oh. I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t really given it much thought.”
“Well, you’re certainly giving something a lot of thought,” she giggled. “Where were you just now?”
I could feel my telltale blush heating my cheeks. “Uh…nowhere I should have been.” I tried to start reading where I’d left off, but Amy wasn’t going to drop it so easily.
“Come on, tell me! Are you crushing on someone? You totally had that crush face going on.” In two short months, Amy had already become one of my closest friends, and I’d learned quickly that she was extremely observant.
“No, and keep your voice down!” I gave her a scolding look, but she simply arched her eyebrow at me to let me know she was still waiting. I looked around before leaning in closer. “Okay… I’m not crushing on anyone…but I’m starting to wonder if I want to be.”
“I don’t think I get it,” she whispered.
“You and Owen have sex, right?”
“What does that have to do with anything we’re talking about?” she asked, surprised at the sudden change in topic. Amy and Owen had been dating since sophomore year, and I had never met a cuter couple. He was this tall, gangly stoner with longish blond hair and a black trench coat he never seemed to take off, while
Amy was this tiny little thing with spiky red hair, freckles, and straight A’s. They were so different, but when they were together it just made sense.
“Just answer the question,” I said, “and don’t try to lie because I know he goes over to your house all the time.”
“Of course we do, but I still don’t see what that has to do with anything.”
“Well…when I was with my ex—”
“Riley?” Amy knew I broke up with someone before moving, but not all the gory details.
“Yeah.” I grimaced at the sound of his name. “Anyway, we used to…a lot. And while I don’t miss him, I think I miss sharing that with someone.”
“So you’re horny,” she said, nodding in understanding.
“Not just that,” I laughed, shaking my head at her directness. "I miss the closeness, but I’ve never been one to sleep around and I haven’t really noticed any boyfriend prospects so far.”
“So you miss playing Slap and Tickle, but there’s nobody here you wanna slap and tickle, is that right?”
“Exactly.”
“But Eden, there are a lot of cute single guys here. I bet you could have any of them you wanted.”
“I don’t know about that, but I do know that I’ve been so against dating that I haven’t really paid any attention to anyone. Now that I think I might be ready to try again, I have no idea where to start.”
“Ooh!” she gasped, ripping a sheet of paper out of her notebook. “Let’s make a list!”
“A list?”
“Yeah, something to help us narrow down what to look for.”
I watched as she drew a line down the center of the paper, making two columns. At the top of the left side, she wrote Must Have, and at the top of the right side she wrote Absolutely Not.
“Okay.” Amy smiled brightly, tapping her pen on the paper. “Give me some criteria.”
I was about to tell her that I had no idea what to say, but when I opened my mouth, out popped, “No jocks.”
“Really?” She frowned, scribbling in the second column. “Well, that narrows it down a bit.”
“They remind me too much of Riley. In fact, I think the exact opposite of him is a perfect place to start.”
“Okay, well, since I never met him, I’m gonna need more to go on than ‘not Riley.’”
“Right, sorry. Let’s see—no blonds, if possible. No brown eyes, either.”
“That’s all superficial stuff, Eden. It has nothing to do with what kind of person they are.”
“All right, then how about no manwhores?” I snapped.
Amy blinked a few times as she absorbed what I’d said before nodding quickly and scribbling a bit more on her list. “Now we’re talking,” she said with a smile. After a moment, she reached over and simply patted the back of my hand without any further comment. It was her way of letting me know she understood that I had gone through something, but she wasn’t going to pry. It was pure Amy, and I loved her for it.
After a few moments of silence she sighed and added, “How about a few musts? It sounds like you want someone who doesn’t have a lot of experience, is that right?”
“I don’t know. I mean, knowing what to do isn’t a bad thing, but Riley was experienced before me and he still didn’t have a damn clue.” We both broke out into a fit of giggles over that before the truth of the situation hit me. “Actually, I think you’re right. I’m tired of smarmy guys who think they’re all that. I’d rather have someone who didn’t know what he was doing, but was honestly willing to learn.”
I watched as she thought for a moment and wrote Eager virgin ready for training in the left column.
“Nicely put,” I chuckled.
“I thought so,” she smiled brightly. “Anything else?”
“Yeah…” I tapped my chin in thought. “Maybe a little shy. No more cocky jerks.”
“I think that’s a good start to our list,” Amy said, putting her things away before the bell rang. “Now I just have to figure out who the hell fits it.”
“I know—I’m not going to hold my breath on that one.”
“You know what you should do? Come to Devon’s party. You never come and I think you’d really like it. His parties are always a blast and there’ll be a lot of single guys there.”
“That’s all I need,” I groaned. “A bunch of drunken guys slobbering on me.” Riley used to drag me to one party after another and I always put up with it, but I never felt comfortable. He would lecture me that we had a duty to make an appearance and everyone would talk about us if we didn’t go. I had to dress sexy and make sure all the guys there were jealous of him.
I kept hearing about Devon’s parties, but I’d made it a point to avoid them like the plague. I had no interest in a repeat of my last high school experience.
“No, they’re not like that, really. There’s no booze allowed after one of the players got busted a few years ago. The coach told them that anyone caught drinking would be immediately kicked off the team, so Devon makes his parties fun in…other ways.”
“I’m not going to an orgy, either.”
“Stop jumping to conclusions, Eden,” she laughed. “He just has a huge rec room in his basement with tons of things to do. There’s a pool table, a dartboard, a pinball machine, and just about every game console you can think of. We always have a good time whenever we go.” She looked wistful for a moment before adding, “It’s the first place Owen and I ever kissed. Of course, it was during the Single Game, but it made us admit that we liked each other.”
“What’s the Single Game?”
“You’ve never played? Oh, it can be really fun! It’s sort of like an advanced Spin the Bottle. You should really go; you might just find a new Slap and Tickle partner.” She winked at me as she stood up and grabbed her bag when the bell rang. I followed after her, rolling my eyes.
“Slap and Tickle… The Single Game… Spin the Bottle? Jeez, Amy. That is officially too many games for one conversation.”
“Oh, you know you’re interested. Stop pretending you’re not.”
“I’m…considering.” I glanced at the clock and then started heading in the opposite direction. “I gotta go, I have zoology. Am I still getting a ride from you after school?” The shitbox of a car my parents finally bought me had broken down again and I was left begging my friends for rides until it was fixed. I tried not to complain about it, though, because I didn’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch. I mean, some kids’ parents won’t get them a car at all, shitbox or not. It also didn’t help that the ginormous Oldsmobile used to belong to my aunt Lily before she married my uncle Ethan, so I had to watch that I didn’t badmouth it in front of family, regardless of the fact that it was roughly the size of a yacht and as old as my dad.
“Oh, crap! I forgot I have band practice after school.” Amy played flute in the marching band during football season. “I can still take you if you don’t mind waiting in the stadium for an hour.”
“Yeah, that’s fine. Thanks!” I figured I could just sit in the stands while they practiced their marching and get my homework done early.
I turned and ran down the hall, just making it to my next class before the last bell rang. As I dumped my bag on the table, I sat down with a huff next to my lab partner. I couldn’t get all the things Amy and I had talked about out of my mind.
Was I really ready to start dating again?
Could I trust someone enough to be that intimate again?
And most importantly, how would I ever find anyone like the boy on my list?
“Hey… Are you okay?” a soft, gentle voice asked beside me. “You seem a little upset.”
“Huh?” I looked over at the concerned boy sitting next to me, blinking at me behind a pair of black-framed glasses. I think it was the most words I’d ever heard him put together at one time. “Sorry, Logan. Don’t mind me today. I’m just a little preoccupied, I guess.”
“Okay,” he whispered, more to himself than me.
So, where was
I?
Oh yeah…
How would I know when I found him?
Chapter 3
Later that day, I was sitting in the bleachers of our tiny football field, freezing my ass off. I was bundled up in as many layers as I could find and wondering how the hell I was supposed to finish my homework with thick mittens shoved over my gloves.
“A little chilly, are we?” I heard a familiar voice chuckle next to me. I braced myself before looking up at the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Even now, when I was used to her presence, it sometimes hurt to look at her.
“Shut up, Zoe. I’ve never liked being in the cold.”
Zoe Spencer was my other closest friend so far in Aledo. She and Amy were inseparable, and when I showed up two months ago not knowing anyone, they’d sort of adopted me like a lost puppy. She was the exact opposite of every popular cheerleader I’d ever known in the past: caring, honest, and extremely loyal.
“I still don’t think you need all those layers. It’s only October, for God’s sake, and it’s still daytime. How are you going to handle going to all the football games if we make the playoffs?”
“Well, from what I’ve heard, there isn’t a big risk of that,” I teased. “Also, there’s an advantage to wearing these thick mittens.” I held up my hand at her to demonstrate.
“What’s that?”
“I’m totally flipping you off right now and you can’t even tell.”
She threw her head back and laughed. Even that sounded supernaturally beautiful, like a fairy’s orgasm or something. “Okay, you got me there.” She sat down next to me on the bleachers and looked at the textbook in my lap. “So what are you doing here, anyway? This isn’t exactly the warmest place for homework, especially for a cold-weather pussy like you.”