by Lee, Sue
“I’ve had too much to drink,” I groaned. “It’s been a long week. Can I take a rain check?” I asked apologetically.
“Man, you guys are wimps,” he said and shook his head in jest.
I pulled out my phone to dial a taxi. I was going to have to leave my car here tonight. Their wine servings were generous and three glasses was too much for me. As I started dialing the phone, Kyle took it away from me.
“Julia, don’t do that,” he said, turning my phone off. “I’ll drive you home.”
“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly. I wasn’t sure where he lived and I didn’t want to be an inconvenience. I was also a little nervous to sit in his car with him alone.
“Yeah, totally, it’s on the way,” he insisted. “You live in Queen Anne, right? I’m in Capital Hill.”
“Okay,” I shrugged my shoulders and agreed to go with him.
I followed him to his car and we said our goodbyes to Matt and Mia. Mia looked pleased that Kyle was being a gentleman and willing to drive me home. Kyle drove a relatively new Toyota Forerunner. For some reason, this car suited him perfectly. It was comfortable yet rugged, strong-lined, dependable, and sporty. Probably just like him. Conversation in the car was comfortable. I was worried for no reason. Kyle was just such an easy person to be with.
He pulled up to the curb in front of my condo and turned to face me. “I really meant what I said at the restaurant. If you need help with the scorecard, just let me know.” His eyes looked hopeful again. “I don’t mind giving up a day over the weekend to help you.”
I looked at him and smiled thoughtfully. He just bravely showed me his cards. I paused before responding to what I found to be a delicate situation. I really liked Kyle, but I knew that we could never be more than just friends. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also wanted to be careful about not leading him on. I needed to work with him in my new job and any misunderstandings could make things awkward.
Finally, I said, “Thanks, Kyle. I really appreciate the ride. I’ll let you know if I need some help come Monday, but I think I’ll be okay,” I said quietly. Less was probably better here. Holding his gaze, I gave him an apologetic smile.
He looked down and then returned a sad smile back, knowing that he was just delicately rebuffed. “Okay. Goodbye, Julia. See you soon.”
I stumbled into my condo a little before midnight. I kicked off my shoes and drank a glass of water, wondering how I was going to get back my car tomorrow. I could call Anna and tell her all about today’s events, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be grilled by her. I plopped down onto my sofa and pulled my laptop out of my backpack to look up bus schedules.
Before I searched bus schedules, I decided to check my email. A small part of me wondered or hoped that Ryan may have sent me something. I scanned my inbox, but saw nothing from him. Admittedly, I was a little disappointed.
Hmm, I wondered what would come up if I did a search on him. I went to Bing and typed in “Ryan McGraw+Megasoft.”
There was a long list of search results. Wow. The first item was his public Facebook profile. It was a close-up of his face, wearing sunglasses, smiling that glorious dimpled grin of his. As I clicked further into his profile, it showed that we had three mutual friends. I looked to confirm that they were all from MS. I clicked his friends list. I saw several more MS names, including Catherine’s. That was no surprise, since they did work together in the past. There were a bunch of people from the Bay Area. His education status showed UW and Stanford. His last update was over a year ago. Obviously, he didn’t spend much time on Facebook.
I was sort of glad to see he didn’t use Facebook much. There’s a distinction, in my opinion, of those who used Facebook too much and those who used it just as a means of staying in touch. I never understood those who used it like therapy and posted something on it daily or multiple times a day. They tried to think of the wittiest remark that would get them the most “likes” as possible. Not that there was anything wrong with that, because I was curious enough to see what they had going on in their life and sometimes the stuff that was posted was really interesting. However, it gets really annoying when someone tells me that they have laundry to do or they just cleaned their garage. I don’t really need to know those details of their life. They might as well tell me that they just clipped their toenails or picked a wedgie out of their ass, for as much value as their comments were worth.
I digress. I liked that Ryan was private from this aspect and he didn’t feel the need to jump on the Facebook bandwagon. He didn’t need the daily affirmation that someone “liked” him.
I looked at his LinkedIn profile next. It was a public profile, but when I clicked on it, it revealed only some basic information about his position and career at MS. I guessed people like him, in executive positions, weren’t facing a shortage of any job offers. I supposed there was very little need for him to maintain a profile on LinkedIn. I, on the other hand, had updated mine a month ago.
The search results also returned several stories from various technology trade magazines and online blog sites. There were a ton of these and his name was referenced in several of them. I clicked on a YouTube link. Jackpot. His gorgeous blue eyes were staring back at me in several short videos. In one clip, he was discussing the cloud revolution and how it would change how we used and marketed software. There was a town hall meeting forum for something, and another one looked like a speech at a conference of some sort. I watched one of the videos where he discussed the cloud. He had the same conversational tone that he used when he delivered his speech at the All Hands meeting earlier today. He looked focused and relaxed, but commanding and confident. I watched his lips move and his Adam’s apple bob up and down and thought about how nice it would be to run my tongue over it.
Oh God. I’ve got it bad. I’ve turned into a stalker. I was completely mesmerized by the wealth of information available on the web. It was like a dessert buffet. I just wanted to taste everything in front of me. I checked our corporate intranet next. If this much information was available about him on the web, I was certain to find just as much information in our internal corporate websites.
I searched on our main MS internal homepage. Again, there were a bunch of search results for his various speeches, interviews, presentations and awards. I clicked on what looked to be an org chart. No surprises there. He was obviously at partner level status. Only the senior and most elite executives got partner level status at MS. From the little that I knew, partner level executives had a different compensation model and earned higher salaries and bonuses as a result … much higher salaries.
I was blown away by how much Ryan had done at such a young age. I wondered if MS was where he saw his future or if it was just a stepping stone to something else? Regardless, his mind was an intellectual asset that would be in demand no matter what he decided to do.
If we were to ever get involved, I pondered the HR implications. As my coworkers had discussed the other day, there were a lot of people who met, dated, and married someone they had met at MS. However, I also knew that an official rule got broken when two people within the same reporting structure got involved. Ryan and I were in different organizations and I wasn’t in his line of command. If we were to date, HR wouldn’t be able to do anything. But that didn’t mean it was okay, did it?
It was common knowledge that the minions of MS, like me, just didn’t associate or date the executive staff. If people were ever to find out, the gossip mill would be out of control and it would be potentially detrimental to both of our careers. He obviously had more to lose than me. Is that why he held back that night at Betty’s?
Thinking back to that night, I had trouble rationalizing the two Ryans I had witnessed. At Betty’s, he was laid back, easy to talk to, personable, humble, adorable and sexy. He was someone I could totally see myself going out with. In both these videos and the meeting this afternoon, he was a commanding person with a strong executive presence. He seemed untouchable and in a completely different league
than me; the image of corporate confidence and ambition. I wasn’t sure I could relate to this person. Would someone like this ever be interested in someone like me? We were on two different playing fields of the universe. What would Mia, Kyle, or Vivek say if they ever found out about us? That assumed there was an us to even explore.
I found myself wondering who the real Ryan McGraw was when I noticed my IM icon blinking in the bottom task bar of my screen. My heart skipped a beat and I took a deep breath. I clicked on it.
It was Ryan.
People seemed to have powerful opinions about instant messaging. Some people loved it because it was a quick way to get someone’s immediate attention. You could be in a meeting with your laptop open, at your desk working, or watching a movie on your PC in the evening, but seeing that little blinking icon in the bottom of your screen was just like hearing that little chime from your phone when you received a text message—you were compelled to answer it. It was like getting a tiny little shot of adrenaline. Once you heard that text message signal or saw that little blinking light, it was really difficult to ignore.
The people who didn’t like it were people like me. Granted, I loved that the technology was available and when I needed it, it was great. Working for a company like MS, you were always connected and people at MS were addicted to IM. Whether you were at home, at work, or in the car, someone could get in touch with you. IM was just one more method for someone to contact you. I resented it sometimes. When I opened my PC in the evenings to surf the internet or watch a movie, I could never quite get away. IM was like a big brother. People could see when you were “in a meeting,” “away,” or “available;” they could even see when you were “typing a message.” It was like having your own personal spying tool.
If I forgot to intentionally set my status to “away,” colleagues working late or located in different time zones around the globe contacted me for work-related questions. If I set it to the default, then my status showed a direct reflection of my Outlook calendar, which in the evenings, were set to “available” in green. The IM blinking light then became an evening habit. Tonight it was set to my default, and for the first time in a long time, I was glad.
Ryan McGraw [12:40 AM]: Hi Julia
Julia Hayes [12:40 AM]: Hi Ryan
Ryan McGraw [12:41 AM]: I was really surprised to see you this afternoon.
You have no idea.
Julia Hayes [12:41 AM]: Yes, that’s an understatement. Why didn’t you tell me who you were?
Ryan McGraw [12:41 AM]: I did.
Julia Hayes [12:41 AM]: You know what I mean.
Ryan McGraw [12:42 AM]: Sorry. I know I should’ve told you at dinner that night.
Ryan McGraw [12:42 AM]: I didn’t want you to act weird.
Ryan McGraw [12:43 AM]: People from work get that way around me sometimes.
His comment reminded me of Colin Powell’s viral email a few years ago. He wrote that it was lonely on the top because people never treated you like a regular person, which could be alienating at times for those in senior leadership positions. I might as well be honest with him.
Julia Hayes [12:43 AM]: You’re probably right. I don’t think I would’ve been myself.
Ryan McGraw [12:44 AM]: I’ve thought about you a lot these last few wks
Whoa. I didn’t see that one coming.
Julia Hayes [12:44 AM]: Me too
Not only had I thought about you, I seem to be unable to stop obsessing about you. I was also just stalking you before you IMed me. Thank God he couldn’t see my face right now. My heart was racing and I felt myself flush.
Ryan McGraw [12:45 AM]: So how’s your new job?
Hmm, new topic. Maybe his earlier train of thought was getting too personal, or he just revealed more than he intended to?
Julia Hayes [12:45 AM]: It’s good. I’m a bit overwhelmed.
Ryan McGraw [12:45 AM]: Drinking out of the fire hose?
Julia Hayes [12:45 AM]: Totally
Julia Hayes [12:45 AM]: In fact, I’ll need to work a little this weekend.
Ryan McGraw [12:45 AM]: What are you working on?
Julia Hayes [12:45 AM]: You don’t want to know.
Ryan McGraw [12:45 AM]: Try me
Julia Hayes [12:45 AM]: If you insist
Ryan McGraw [12:45 AM]: I insist
Julia Hayes [12:46 AM]: I have to put together a scorecard to track campaign progress.
Julia Hayes [12:46 AM]: I’m not really sure what I’m doing yet, so I’m a bit stressed about it.
Enough with the awkwardly long pause, pal.
Ryan McGraw [12:48 AM]: Would you like some help?
Huh?
Julia Hayes [12:48 AM]: Mr. Executive …
Julia Hayes [12:48 AM]: master of the US marketing universe …
Julia Hayes [12:48 AM]: wants to help me with a campaign scorecard template
Ryan McGraw [12:48 AM]: Yes
Ryan McGraw [12:49 AM]: I do - Master of the universe, huh?
I rolled my eyes and smiled.
Julia Hayes [12:49 AM]: When was the last time you had to create a scorecard? Don’t you have a whole team of people working for you to do this sort of stuff?
Ryan McGraw [12:49 AM]: don’t be a smartass, Julia
Ryan McGraw [12:49 AM]: :)
Oh my God, Ryan McGraw uses emoticons.
Ryan McGraw [12:50 AM]: I just want to help. I know what Catherine and Stephanie want to see in a scorecard.
Julia Hayes [12:50 AM]: Good point
Ryan McGraw [12:50 AM]: When are you planning on working on it?
Julia Hayes [12:50 AM]: Tomorrow. I don’t like procrastinating.
Ryan McGraw [12:51 AM]: Do you want to meet on campus somewhere?
Yes. But I don’t have my car.
Julia Hayes [12:50 AM]: You’re really serious, aren’t you?
Ryan McGraw [12:50 AM]: Yes.
Julia Hayes [12:50 AM]: Ok then. Meet me at Building 7, on this side of the lake?
Building 7 was a satellite office in south Lake Union of Seattle; I could easily take the bus there. Since I had just agreed to this, I instantly felt a little guilty about declining Kyle’s earlier offer of assistance to do the same thing. But then again, Kyle wasn’t Ryan.
Ryan McGraw [12:50 AM]: Good idea
Ryan McGraw [12:51 AM]: I’ll book us a conf room
Why did that sound so sexy?
Ryan McGraw [12:51 AM]: I’m sorry for not being honest with you to start.
Julia Hayes [12:51 AM]: You’re forgiven. :)
It was my turn to flirt with emoticons.
Ryan McGraw [12:51 AM]: What time?
Julia Hayes [12:51 AM]: 10 ok?
Ryan McGraw [12:51 AM]: that works
Julia Hayes [12:52 AM]: Ok. I guess I’ll see you in the morning.
Ryan McGraw [12:52 AM]: See you Julia
Julia Hayes [12:52 AM]: See you Ryan
Holy shit! I had a sort of date with Ryan tomorrow.
In retrospect, I was relieved he had opted not to call me directly with the Lync phone feature. There was something about instant messaging, text messaging, and emails that gave you a bit more courage than if you were speaking on the phone. Maybe this was because in person, your eyes, your body language, your voice could give more emotions and feelings away than you intended. You’re more vulnerable in person. Behind the hardware and software, you can present a much more controlled image.
In a way, these different technology communications vehicles were sort of like alcohol. They gave us courage to flirt, to be bolder and braver, without really showing all our cards. Maybe this was one of the reasons people found the use of these tools so addicting and why online dating was so popular.
Just after one am, I saw a little message on the bottom right corner of my screen pop up, telling me I had an email from Ryan in my inbox. A little shot of adrenaline piped through me. It was a Schedule Plus invite for tomorrow at ten in the morning, with a conference room booked in Building 7.
&nb
sp; I hit “accept” on the invite. Before I hit “send,” I decided to edit my reply. “Thanks, Ryan. I’m looking forward to it. Julia.”
I hit “send” before I could think too much about my reply. It was either the alcohol talking or else the courage of hiding behind my computer.
After last night’s surprising turn of events, it took me a while to settle down enough to sleep. Thankfully, I didn’t seem to have a hangover from last night’s overconsumption of wine. I woke up early because I was both nervous and excited to see Ryan this morning.
It had been almost three weeks since that memorable evening at Betty’s. That awesome night was forever burned into my brain, but now I was having doubts. Maybe our amazing chemistry and connection was all in my imagination. What if it becomes awkward and uncomfortable when we see each other? Then he’ll quickly come to realize that offering me help today was a mistake. He’ll try to find a delicate way to extract himself from the situation to save me from any further embarrassment.
My intuition told me that that wasn’t going to happen and I was just letting my imagination and fears get the best of me. I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect, but a little part of me hoped that things would continue where we had left off. I was curious if we would be able to establish the same level of comfort and chemistry we had at Betty’s.
I chose my clothes carefully. I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard or make it look like I was dressing for just another day at work. I wanted to wear something casual, but not too casual. After all, it was a Saturday morning. I needed to wear something that would enhance my best assets, too. I settled on my favorite pair of ass-flattering skinny jeans and a flowing white tank top with an empire waist which emphasized my breasts. Since I had to walk a few blocks to the bus stop, I opted for my black ballet flats—casual and sweet yet demure. I tied my hair into a ponytail to help finish off the “I didn’t try so hard” look I was after. Looking at myself in the mirror, I smiled, satisfied with the final result.