by Lee, Sue
Why did I find it so sexy listening to him about this sort of stuff? Then again, he could be speaking binary—talking about zeros and ones that were the fundamental building blocks of writing code—I would still probably have found him sexy. We sat there for another hour just talking, relaxing, and drinking our beers. It was still light out. I loved that about summer nights in Seattle.
He looked at his watch and sighed. “Why does time always go so quickly when I’m with you?”
I smiled at him and shrugged my shoulders. I was wondering the same thing.
“I really like being with you, Julia,” he said more seriously.
I felt my pulse start to race. “I like being with you, Ryan.”
“It’s effortless,” he said quietly, but with a perplexed expression, like he was trying to figure out a great mystery.
“Yeah … I know.” I nodded in agreement, but whispered it like it was a revelation. Things were happening to Ryan and me. The hairs on the back of my neck started to rise. “Ryan, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, anything.”
“How long have you been on a break?” I needed to know, because despite his confession, I still felt like he was holding something back.
He paused, taken off guard by my question. He didn’t look at me. “Only a couple of weeks,” he said guiltily, looking down at his plate. “Basically, since I had dinner with you.” He then looked at me with a cautious eye.
“Oh.” I wondered if I was the reason they were on a break.
“Why do you ask?”
“Sometimes, you seem … hesitant with me, like you’re holding something of yourself back. Other times you throw caution to the wind and it’s like you don’t care who sees.”
He paused for a long moment. “You’re very observant, Julia Hayes.”
“I’m very cautious, Ryan McGraw.” I looked across the street towards the volleyball game in progress. I couldn’t look at him for what I was about to say next. “My wounds are still very raw and fresh,” I told him, feeling vulnerable and exposed. I finally had enough courage to look him in the eyes. “Please be gentle with my heart.”
He studied me for a long time, his brows furrowed. He placed one of his hands over mine. “I will never intentionally hurt you, Julia. I need you to trust me, okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
We both looked at each other for several more seconds, our gazes locked in silent contemplation. Neither of us shied away from the direct eye contact, and it was at that very moment that I felt it happen. The chambers of my heart fluttered wide open and gave in to the weight and pressure that had been trying to keep it shut. My past heartbreak was still a dull ache, but I knew I needed to muffle it if I was to let myself fully explore what Ryan and I might become. I needed to trust him. I needed to trust in my own heart and its ability to heal and move forward with someone new.
I thought he felt it too, because there was a shift in the air between us. It was like there was this invisible magnetic rope; it had always been there, but we had both kept it rigid for fear that giving it too much slack might cause one of us to lose our balance. I still sensed that Ryan was dealing with some internal struggle, but he’d asked me to trust him. So I would. And once I did, I sensed the pull relax itself on both sides. Whatever he was struggling with, I could tell he was giving in and he would share with me when he was ready. The fact that he was here with me at this very moment and thinking the same thoughts as me was all I needed to know. Whatever fears I might have, I knew I was past the point of no return. I was falling in love with Ryan McGraw.
Every MS building and floor had a kitchen and in each kitchen were two robust, three foot tall, automated, heavy duty Starbucks coffee machines. The coffee was actually quite good and it had been my daily habit to visit one of these machines every morning. As I waited for my freshly ground and brewed coffee to come pouring out of the machine, I thought back on the previous evening.
After dinner, Ryan and I walked leisurely, hand in hand, back to our cars. When I reached for my keys, he tilted my chin up and surprised me with a deep kiss. He cradled my face with both hands and we shamelessly made out as I leaned against my door. We kissed and giggled like teenagers. When we finally broke apart, he turned to leave and made it only a few feet before he came back for one more mini make out session. It was amazing.
“Hey, Julia, what are you all smiles about this morning?” I looked up to find Amy grinning and looking at me suspiciously. “Care to share?”
“Oh, it’s nothing.” I blushed. I shook my head and waved my hand away nonchalantly to let Amy know that it wasn’t anything worth discussing. I certainly wouldn’t be sharing any information about my recent extracurricular activities with her.
I don’t think she believed me, but she wasn’t going to push. She talked about her uneventful Monday and I shared the details of my mine, as close as possible to what occurred, but intentionally leaving out a particular participant. I read once, probably from some spy novel, that if you were ever going to lie about something, you should stick to the truth as close as possible because your odds of getting caught later were less likely. With some dismay, I thought of this as the first of many more half-truths that I knew to come.
Back at my desk, I prepped for a couple meetings I had scheduled for later in the day. Mid-morning, I looked up to see the mailroom delivery guy standing in my doorway presenting me with a package containing a new Lenovo ThinkPad laptop complete with a new docking station and an extra battery. I smiled, because not only did I now have a nice, new, cool laptop, but I knew who it came from.
After signing for the package, I set up the machine and emailed Ryan.
Thank you for my new laptop. You’ve got great taste. How am I going to explain this to my manager?
Couldn’t stop thinking about you last night.
A few minutes later:
You’re very welcome. Glad to see it arrived so quickly. Explanation is already taken care of. I’m still thinking about you this morning …
My heart skipped a beat and I smiled. Attached to the email was another email sent to my team’s business admin and Catherine with an IO number owned by Ryan’s cost center explaining the reason for the new laptop as the now infamous car accident.
Ryan mentioned he had a business dinner tonight, but I wondered when I would see him again. I had Anna’s bachelorette party this Saturday, but I was hoping we could do something on Friday night together. He must’ve been able to read my mind because just then I noticed my IM icon blinking.
Ryan McGraw [10:34 AM]: Got a minute?
Julia Hayes [10:34 AM]: For you, yes :)
Ryan McGraw [10:34 AM]: I forgot to mention to you – I’m heading to Canada office tomorrow morning - Coming back late Friday night.
Well, there goes my Friday night idea. I was suddenly sad that I wouldn’t see him for several more days.
Ryan McGraw [10:35 AM]: Can I see you Saturday?
Julia Hayes [10:35 AM]: It’s Anna’s bachelorette party that night. Festivities start at my place in the afternoon.
Ryan McGraw [10:36 AM]: Festivities???
Julia Hayes [10:36 AM]: cocktails and gifts - then dinner … then who knows…
Ryan McGraw [10:37 AM]: hmm … sounds like trouble
Julia Hayes [10:37 AM]: Being naughty can be fun
Hey! I was in a good mood and felt like flirting.
Ryan McGraw [10:37 AM]: Naughty? Interesting choice of words
Julia Hayes [10:37 AM]: … and why do you consider it an interesting choice of words?
Ryan McGraw [10:38 AM]: It’s very visual… :)
Emoticons!
Julia Hayes [10:38 AM]: and what are you visualizing?
Oh God, did I really just ask him that?
Ryan McGraw [10:38 AM]: naughty things
Julia Hayes [10:38 AM]: Oh …
I noticed he started to type something, but then it stopped. I waited, but he didn’t continue. He must’ve been interrupted by
someone talking to him on his end. Several minutes went by and then my IM icon started blinking again.
Ryan McGraw [10:45 AM]: Got interrupted - Sorry about that. I’ve got to run. Call me for a ride after the partying if you need one.
Julia Hayes [10:45 AM]: Thanks again for the new laptop :) Okay, have a safe trip. Bye!
Ryan McGraw [10:45 AM]: Wish I could’ve gotten it to you sooner.
Ryan McGraw [10:45 AM]: Be good :)
I couldn’t help smiling to myself. I felt like the cat that ate the canary.
On Saturday morning, I went to the local market to purchase a fresh bouquet of flowers, light appetizers, and ingredients for cosmos. I later made a stop to the Wallingford Erotic Bakery to pick up Anna’s penis cake. They had penis shaped straws sitting next to the counter, so I grabbed a handful.
Anna was relatively simple with her party requests. Penis paraphernalia was ok, but she had forbidden any games that required embarrassing herself in front of strange men in public. I was cool with that. We would try to be as classy as our pre-drunken states would allow.
I set out all the ingredients for our cosmos and lined up the martini glasses on my kitchen counter. I arranged the peonies into a vase that looked like a solid glass circle from a distance. Peonies were our favorite flowers.
After prepping everything for the party, I sat on my patio waiting for my guests, drinking a glass of wine, and wondering when Ryan had finally gotten home last night. Even though we were planning on taking taxis tonight, maybe I would take Ryan up on his offer and call him for a ride home from the bar. He had offered, hadn’t he?
We hadn’t talked in person since Monday night. We had one brief email exchange after our IM conversation on Tuesday, which was just him letting me know he had arrived safely and was thinking of me. We tentatively planned to get together Sunday afternoon and he teased me that I’d better not be too hungover from the bachelorette festivities. A part of me wished that he’d tried to call me while he was away, but I was letting him take the lead here. He was out of town on business, and if he didn’t want to reach out to me, then so be it. I wasn’t going to overthink this. Or at least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
The party tonight was an intimate gathering of women who included only Anna, myself, and her three other bridesmaids. I had planned for us to start the evening drinking homemade cosmopolitans and nibbling on a few light appetizers. We would have time to open gifts and then transition to dinner at a trendy sushi restaurant in Belltown. From there, we were going to play it by ear. Maybe we would end the night with dancing, maybe karaoke, who knows. The girls were all dressing up for our swanky party, so I put on my favorite little black dress, which had spaghetti straps and a hem that came slightly higher than mid-thigh. It hung over my body like a flapper dress, but it didn’t have the tassels. It was just basic black slinky material. Simple meant more with this dress and it made me feel fabulous.
The door buzzed, signaling that my first guest had arrived. I slipped on my black heels as I went to the door and smiled wickedly at myself in the mirror—these were definitely fuck me heels. I certainly wasn’t going to bring a guy home tonight, but maybe I would ask Ryan to pick us up at the end of our evening after all, just so he could see my legs in these shoes.
Bridget arrived first. She was tall and sharp as a tack with one of those stylish, short, Halle Berry haircuts that not all women could get away with it. Bridget definitely could. Her daringly short hair matched her brains and personality. Bridget worked at MS in HR as a generalist and had a classic MS type-A personality; she was a control freak like me, which was probably why we got along so well. Bridget was probably more my friend, since I introduced her to Anna, but the three of us got along great together and I was happy to see the two of them continue building their own personal bond.
Next to arrive was Allison, who was a PhD candidate in the UW Education Department. Anna and Allison met when they taught together at the same school, but after a couple of years teaching, Allison decided she would rather go into administration, so she started her long journey into the world of academia. She was unpretentious, practical, and easy to be around. Allison was awesome and I was glad Anna chose her as one of her bridesmaids.
Anna and Sarah arrived last and, of course, fashionably late. Sarah was a teacher at the same school as Anna. She was a beautiful Korean girl with a great smile, sunny disposition, and a fabulous sense of style. I wasn’t surprised to hear she had been a cheerleader in high school—it’s probably why Anna and Sarah got along so well; they had that same bubbly personality. Out of all of Anna’s bridesmaids, I knew Sarah the least. I had met her initially at Anna’s bridal shower and was looking forward to spending more time with her.
I got all of the women started on their cosmos and everyone made themselves at home in my living room. We chatted about wedding details and caught up on each other’s lives. Anna filled everyone in on my love life, since apparently I was the only one that had a recent change of male characters. By the end of her story, they were all convinced that Ryan and I would be engaged within the year.
“I mean, it’s like the universe is trying to push the two of you together!” exclaimed Sarah, her voice naïve and dreamy.
Anna was nodding her head vigorously in agreement and finishing off her second cosmo. I thought I might need to slow her down if we’re going to make it through the night. It was only seven o’clock and she was already getting loopy. I pushed some brie and crackers in front of her, hoping she would eat something to help slow down the effects of the alcohol.
“I mean …” Sarah counted on her fingers and thought through my coincidental run-ins with Ryan. “That’s one, two … three times you guys just happened to run into each other. It has to be fate! I mean, don’t you think that’s more than just a mere coincidence?” This is why Anna and Sarah were such great friends. They were both hopeless, over the top romantics and had watched way too many movies made from Nicholas Sparks novels.
“So, is he cute?” Allison asked with her eyebrows raised.
“Yes!” Anna exclaimed as she took the first sip of her third cosmo. “Even on my scale, he’s a nine or ten.”
I rolled my eyes at her reference to our scaling of men. In the beginning, she expected him to be an eight because I said he was a ten. Sisters.
“He’s really hot,” Anna gushed. “I think he looks like a younger Daniel Craig. Can I still say that he’s hot, even though I’m getting married next week and he might be my future brother-in-law?”
“Ooh, a hot older man that looks like James Bond,” Bridget said salaciously, raising both of her eyebrows. Bridget has always had a thing for older men and would prefer George Clooney over Ryan Gosling any day. “What’s his name?”
“Oh shit!” I exclaimed. I totally hadn’t thought about this until now. Bridget not only worked at MS, but she was in HR. She had probably heard of Ryan and maybe even knew him. Could I trust her to keep this confidential? I needed to make it clear to her, just in case it wasn’t obvious.
“Bridget … he’s a CVP. I don’t know if … I don’t think I should tell you his full name,” I said carefully. “You’re in HR. I’m sorry. I just don’t want anyone at work to know about this. If anyone were to find out …” I started to panic. Bridget was one of my best friends, so how could I keep this from her? Things were just happening so fast.
“Julia, it’s okay. I was only curious. Don’t worry. I won’t say anything. You can trust me to keep this confidential. I know what the implications are if you don’t,” she said reassuringly. “So who is he?” she still asked sheepishly with a mischievous grin.
I waited before saying his name. There was no turning back after this. I covered my face with both hands and took a deep breath. “Ryan McGraw.”
“Holy shit!” Bridget exclaimed, spitting out the last sip of her drink.
“I know.” I cringed and then looked at her carefully. “Now do you see why I’m a little freaked out? No one can know fro
m Megasoft! Got it?”
“Got it.” Bridget nodded and held up three fingers. “Scout’s honor.” She slapped my knee. “Wow, Ryan McGraw … He’s, he’s, just … wow.” With her eyes already wide, a thought occurred to her and they got impossibly bigger. “You don’t report into him or anything, do you? You aren’t in his chain of command, right?”
“No, thank God.”
“Okay, then you’re good. There’s nothing to worry about from an HR policy perspective. Having said that, I think you probably know that it’s not a good idea for the word to get out, though, right?”
“Totally.” I nodded emphatically. “I didn’t even what to tell you, remember?” I pointed out.
“Wow. Fate and forbidden love!” Sarah said dramatically, sounding like she was a voiceover in a movie preview.
Everyone laughed but me. Sarah was starting to get on my nerves a bit.
“Okay, enough speculation and discussion about my love life. Let’s have Anna open gifts before she passes out.” I took her third cosmo away, causing her to pout. If she wasn’t going to pace herself, then I needed to do it for her. Otherwise, we’d be pouring her into bed by ten.
For the next thirty minutes, Anna opened her gifts and ended up with four super sexy pieces of lingerie. My favorite was a black bustier with matching panties and garters. I would never have the guts to purchase something like that on my own. Just looking at it and imagining myself wearing it in front of Ryan made me blush.