by Lee, Sue
After Renee left, we went for a walk along the beach south of the harbor. We walked hand in hand, passing various large metal sculptures meant to decorate the park.
“So, which house did you like the best and why?” Ryan asked.
“The first one,” I said without hesitation. “Though the first and the third were comparable; they were both lovely and contemporary and I liked the design and architecture.” I paused as I contemplated why I liked one over the other. “I think the first home is better suited for a family. From the living room window and the back deck, there’s a clear view of the whole lower deck, as well as the beach front. The other house is perched on a cliff and though the view is stunning, well, the first one just seemed more kid-friendly to me. I could see a family living there or wanting to rent it for a family vacation.”
I looked up at Ryan, uncertain whether or not he would be freaked out by my comments. If he wanted to rent out the home to tourists, it would be more attractive to families. Couples were less likely to rent a home so big for a vacation. That was my honest opinion and I wanted to share it; he needed a woman’s perspective on the pros and cons of each home. I was worried that he might think I was referring to our future—I didn’t want him thinking I was bringing up marriage and kids already. When we were viewing the properties, I did wonder what it would be like to visit the home with Ryan and our future kids, but that’s not why I made the comments that I had made. It’s not to say that I wasn’t thinking exactly that; I am a woman nearing thirty, after all.
In a conscious effort to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreted, I quickly added, “As a vacation rental property, families with young children would probably be more inclined to choose the first house over the third. It’s just safer.”
He didn’t look freaked out, nor did he appear uncomfortable by my comments. He looked contemplative. “You know, it’s odd,” he started, “when Catherine and I were together, I never really visualized our future together.”
His comment threw me for a loop. “How is that possible?” I asked incredulously. “When you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, don’t you naturally think about the rest of your life with them?”
Ryan was silent for a long time and I thought for a minute that he was avoiding the question. He looked at my confused expression and finally elaborated. “Catherine and I, even though we were engaged to be married, never really talked about what our lives would be like in five, ten, or twenty years from now. We never even set a wedding date. I know that must sound weird to you.” He seemed surprised and perplexed by his own comment.
My silence confirmed his assumption of. They never talked about the future? I want to talk about the future now and we’ve hardly been together multiple weeks.
“I’ve always wanted children, but I never actively thought about it much with Catherine. I never saw us going for walks in the park, or to Disneyland, or coaching soccer practice; I assumed that when we got married, all of that would just come with it. But when I went to visit these homes this afternoon, my criteria for whether or not I liked them was based on whether or not I could see us there; you and me. I actually did an inventory of who would sleep where. I wondered how many kids we would have and if it could easily fit visitors, like my mom, or my sister’s family and her kids. I thought about how fun it would be to dig clams and oysters on our own private beach.”
I was speechless by his confession. I was touched by the honesty and openness of his feelings for me. He saw a future with me! If I were a balloon, I would be floating up to the high heavens by now, for as happy and light as he had just made me feel.
“Does that freak you out, that I’m saying all of these things?”
I gazed up at him and he actually looked … vulnerable. He’d just laid out all his feelings and hopes for us, without shame, embarrassment, or consequence, and now it looked like he was worried I would bolt.
“No, it makes me happy,” I said, my voice cracking. I reached up and lightly touched his cheek.
“You must think I’m a crazy sometimes. I’ve fallen in love with you in less than a few weeks, and now here I am confessing that I think about coaching soccer for our kids someday.” He shook his head, disbelieving even his own words.
“Admittedly, yes, it’s a little crazy, but I feel the same way, Ryan.” I found myself oddly trying to comfort him over falling in love with me. “I must be crazy, too.”
We walked silently for a few more minutes, each of us deep in our own thoughts. For however honest he had been with me just now, there was still something preventing me from believing in a happily ever after. Why did that small voice from deep inside me still doubt his love for me? I knew that there was something I still needed from him.
“Can you tell me more about you and Catherine?” I asked quietly. How could I feel confident being his girl when a relationship so deeply rooted in his past would always have some presence in his life? Would Catherine quietly fall into the shadows of his history or would she be more than that to him? I needed to know. I needed to understand what her place was going to be in our lives.
“I guess I never fully explained our relationship. I really wanted to that morning after Anna’s wedding, but I didn’t want to tell you this long, drawn out story unnecessarily. It just didn’t feel like the right time.”
“I know. Can you explain it now?” I coaxed him gently, waiting for him to continue. “I can handle it. I’ve sort of avoided the whole topic for a while, but I’m ready to hear it now.”
Ryan found a large rock on the beach to sit on. There was enough room for the both of us, so he pulled me in next to his body, wrapping one arm around me, and we sat there quietly for a moment.
This was it. This was the story I had been waiting for. This would help me understand Ryan better. This would help me feel confident about my position in Ryan’s life moving forward, or so I hoped.
“Our dads both worked at the same law firm. Growing up, we use to vacation often together. The four of us, Daniel, Catherine, my sister Lauren, and I, were close. Lauren and Catherine were couple of years behind us.” Ryan paused and looked out to the water. “It was the summer right after Daniel and I graduated high school. Daniel wanted to go hiking, but I talked him into waterskiing instead. Catherine and Lauren were both with us on the boat, too. I was driving it and Catherine was the spotter. Catherine and I were laughing at something that Lauren was doing and we weren’t really paying attention to Daniel, who was waiting for us to circle around to him. There was a kayaker nearby and I jerked the boat to avoid him. I didn’t see when Daniel went under. The boat propeller hit his head. The investigation called it an accident. There was no alcohol or foul play involved. Even though they ruled it an accident, I still felt responsible for his death. I was the one that wanted to go boating that day and I should’ve been paying more attention while I was controlling the boat.” He didn’t look at me the whole time he was explaining this. His voice remained even.
Shaking my head, I protested his belief that he was responsible even though I knew that any attempts I could make to soothe him wouldn’t be heard. I hurt for him as a young man, having had to go through this awful experience, bearing the weight of his own perceived responsibility. Even now, two decades later, it wasn’t hard to see that he still bore the weight.
“Anyways, Daniel’s death impacted all of us, but it was especially hard for Catherine. She worshipped him growing up and felt partially responsible for his death; she took it harder than any of us. I guess from that point on, I sort of played the role of surrogate older brother. I think somehow I felt morally obligated to be there for her and her family. “
He looked down at me and I shifted to face him.
“Honestly, I never really saw her as more than a little sister, but we ended up dating for a short period my senior year in college, her sophomore year. Catherine initiated it one night after a party and I guess I just sort of thought, why not?”
“But I thought you said
you guys had been dating for seven years,” I said, confused with the timeline of events.
“When I decided to move down to San Francisco after graduation, I broke it off. She didn’t protest much. We knew even back then that we weren’t right for each other; we were better suited as friends. Our friendship persisted until I moved back to Seattle for good.”
I shifted in his arms, trying to wrap my head around their relationship. I wondered if Catherine had a crush on Ryan growing up. I could easily picture them at that party together in college. What gave Catherine the courage to initiate something with him that night? Maybe another boy upset Catherine and she went to Ryan for consolation. I could easily visualize Catherine, being held by Ryan, as she initiated their first kiss. It pulled at my heartstrings to imagine a younger Ryan, so kind, so sweet, and always taking care of her.
“Over time, I became her support,” he continued. “Whenever she had a broken heart or needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Her mom died of breast cancer not too long after my dad died. And then when her dad’s Alzheimer’s got worse, I … my family, I mean, became her support system again. By then, I had moved back home. While her family was falling apart, I think she saw me as her connection to her past, a way to hold on to whatever memories of her brother that she could.” Ryan paused and hung his head. “To be honest, selfishly, she was also my connection to Daniel, and out of my own guilt, I felt this responsibility to take care of her. I failed my best friend, but maybe I could be there for his sister, you know …”
“Wow. She’s had so much loss already in her life. She’s so lucky she had you and your family to help her through it.” As I tried to process their history, I knew that they would always somehow be involved in each other’s lives; they needed to be. I couldn’t imagine me being the reason for him never having contact with her again. As much as I disliked the entire situation, I didn’t think it was fair to cut her out completely—she was too much a part of Ryan’s life, and his family’s life. She was too deeply ingrained. I wasn’t sure how I felt about anything yet, but if I wanted Ryan in my life, I knew Catherine was a reality I needed to process and be okay with.
Ryan didn’t notice my unease. He was still looking out into the distance towards the water in contemplation. “When I started working at MS, she was there as well, obviously. Our lives were too busy to meet people, so it was really easy for us to get involved again. I felt like I owed her some sort of relationship, whether it be brother, boyfriend, or husband. I’m not sure if Catherine really ever loved me or if she saw me as some sort of idealistic substitute for everyone she had lost in her life. I do know that we were together for all the wrong reasons.”
“She must really hate me,” I said with dismay. My face contorted in guilt. Now that I understood better what Ryan meant to Catherine, I couldn’t help feeling terribly guilty. Would Catherine ever forgive me for taking Ryan from her? She’d already lost so much in her life and I had no idea until now how deeply she depended on Ryan. I felt an ache in my heart for the loss of seemingly every member of her family, and now of Ryan.
“You shouldn’t feel that way. You did nothing wrong.” He frowned, concerned that I was taking his message the wrong way. “This is really hard on Catherine, but it’s not because of you. It’s because of me. I should never have let my own guilt go so far. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn’t, and I did a great disservice to both Catherine and myself. I somehow always knew and felt it, but it wasn’t until I met you that I realized it.”
I sighed, wondering if Catherine felt the same way. Judging from our conversation in her office, I think, deep down, she did.
Ryan turned to me again and gazed into my eyes. “I know this is way more detail than you probably wanted, but I want you to understand why I asked Catherine to marry me.”
Hearing those words felt like an arrow had pierced through my heart. I knew this was his past and his story, but hearing him say that he had asked someone else to marry him pained me nonetheless.
He took a deep breath. “Dating for so long and not getting married, well it was really becoming an issue with her, our family, and everyone we knew. Her clock was ticking,” he said with a smirk.
I knew what that felt like. Why don’t men have clocks? It just makes women sound a little crazy …
“I started wondering if something was wrong with me,” he continued. “I mean, what do two people do after they date for that long? They get married, right? So why didn’t I feel the urge to settle down like every other normal person my age? I started feeling really guilty about my hangups. I felt like I owed it to Catherine; I took her brother away from her and maybe committing to being with her could be my way of making it up to her.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and sighed. “So that’s why I did it. I know it wasn’t very noble, but I hope you understand my motives now.”
I nodded. “It all makes sense now. Oddly, it makes me feel relieved,” I said quietly. “It’s different to ask someone to marry you because you love her and then break it off. In your case, it sounds like it was more out of a deeply-rooted sense of responsibility.” I paused, debating whether or not to ask my next question. But I knew I needed to know the answer. “Did you love her?” I whispered.
He wasn’t quick to answer, and when he finally did, his voice was quiet and cautious. “Yes, I did,” he confessed. “But I know now that it’s in a different way than I love you. I grew up with her. I think I’ll always love her in some way, but it’s more like how I love Lauren.”
I nodded, understanding, but I had to admit that it still pained me to know that a part of her would always be a part of him. I looked away in shame for feeling so greedy and resentful. I couldn’t help it. I wanted all of him.
“She has my past; but you, Julia, you have my future,” he assured me.
My feelings must’ve shown on my face. Either that or he was really intuitive and he could read my mind.
“I have never felt the love, and need, and the complete high I get when I’m with you with anybody else.” He placed a hand on my cheek and I leaned into it. “When I met you, you helped me realize that there are different forms of love. You completely redefined my idea of what it means to love someone … to be in love with someone.” He leaned his forehead against mine and exhaled a shaky breath. “To be with you, Julia, I had to let go of my guilty conscience over Daniel. I didn’t realize I was holding onto it so much and it was because of Catherine. That’s why you didn’t hear from me for a week. When she asked if I was sure that choosing you was the right thing to do, I told her as much. That’s why she let me go, why she let us go. She couldn’t argue with that. Deep down, she knew it, too.”
I was right about him. When we met at Betty’s that first night, I recognized he had a deep sense of responsibility to those who loved and cared for him. That’s who he is. He put aside any of his own feelings for others and convinced himself in the process that what they wanted is what he wanted, too.
“Julia, when I met you, it was like I could really see for the first time. The lights turned on and everything looked sharper, better, brighter. Now I know what all the great authors are talking about. Love is all-consuming—you were right. You became my air, my sun, my future. I couldn’t imagine you not in it. A lifetime of knowing someone didn’t compare to being with you for only a few weeks. It just didn’t. That’s how I know I’m in love with you. Thank God you came along when you did.”
He held my face with both hands and I felt the tears flow down my face as he brought his lips to mine. I kissed him back with all my heart and I could think of nothing more than how much I was in love with this man. Nothing in my life could compare to this moment. He had become my light amidst the darkness of these last several months. I had fallen in love for the last time and I knew I was done.
I shouldn’t.
But I’ve always wanted to.
I wondered how long it would take him to wake up. We made love twice last night. I was surprised at my own appet
ite for Ryan. I was a total horndog with him; in a constant state of arousal. Our pheromones were in overdrive with both of our hormones having regressed to teenage levels. The need to touch him was sometimes overpowering—like right now.
I felt his hardness even before I fully awoke. Ryan was lying on his back with a sheet barely covering the lower half of his body. I looked over at the clock, and it showed it was ten minutes to eight. He was lightly snoring and clearly in a deep state of sleep.
Oh, what the hell. I lightly lifted the sheet off of his torso and ogled his long, hard length, fully appreciating his beautiful male body. I then slowly maneuvered myself above him, straddling him, but not yet touching him. I didn’t have to use my hands to help him enter me. To my amusement, he could’ve pitched a tent quite nicely. I leaned forward and carefully lowered myself onto him.
Ah … the feeling of him filling me was exquisite. I could see that Ryan was stirring now and before he could come to full consciousness, I closed my eyes and I started rocking my hips back and forth.
“Mmm,” Ryan mumbled drowsily.
I opened my eyes to see his lazy smile and his eyes only half open. “Good morning,” I said, giving him my sex kitten grin.
He groaned and placed his hands on my hips to help rock me back and forth. He slid in and out of me so slow, so sweet. He rubbed his thumb on my sex and stroked subtly, driving me wild. I started moving faster, grabbing the headboard to help brace myself as I rocked harder against him. I soon felt the sensation deep in my core and felt myself tighten, exploding in my climax and crying out as I arched my head back. His release came almost at the same time, deep inside me, trembling like an earthquake through his body. I grabbed his chest in an attempt at stability, but collapsed into him with a moan of blissful completion.