“Great,” he told her. “Keeping busy.”
While they caught up, I drank in silence. His eyes would shift to me every time she found a new way to touch him. His leg. His shoulder. His hand. It wasn’t fair that she was doing this so freely. She didn’t feel the need to suppress her affections and it pissed me off. Mostly, because I couldn’t say anything about it. I had no right.
When she laughed at something he said, and brought a hand to his neck—the neck that I touched and kissed almost every day—I abruptly stood from the table. I might not have a right to say anything, but that didn’t mean I had to watch it.
To get away from the situation, I went to the bathroom and checked my phone. They would be playing their set in about ten minutes. Girls were standing around the mirror fixing their clothes and hair, so I stood by the hand dryer and surfed the internet. With a minute to spare, I walked back into the bar. The table we’d been at was empty. Normally, when they played I was front and center, but tonight I wanted to be removed.
Nicole and Lacey came through the door and asked if I was going up front. Lying, I told them I wasn’t feeling well, but would see them afterwards. Several stools were open at the bar and I picked the first one I reached.
They started playing, but I didn’t even look in their direction. I kept my eyes glued to the TV. It was playing The Tonight Show. Not the best bar television in my opinion. The subtitles kept getting the words wrong, and I smiled to myself as I tried to decipher what was being said.
After forty-five minutes and two beers, I heard the chords of a song that would make any girl weak in the knees and looked to the stage. Lucas was staring straight at me. His voice filled the speakers with the lyrics to Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon.
His eyes followed me as I stood and walked to the back of the crowd. I loved the way his voice strained and cracked. It wasn’t perfect but I felt every word deep in my bones. He gripped the microphone with one hand and the stand with the other as he met my eyes.
Going low to the ground, he put everything into his voice, telling me through the song how consumed he was with what we had. Sweat was glistening on his forehead and it made my whole body feel hot. The dirty lyrics and insinuations had me doing exactly what he wanted me to—imagining him with his body pressed against mine. And just like that, my anger was dissipating.
Some girls turned their heads in my direction, staring longer that what was polite, but my eyes never left Lucas. And his didn’t leave mine. Not when I walked across the back of the crowd. Not when I settled beside the employee’s only door.
The fierce heat in his eyes pooled around my stomach, and I wasn’t waiting for us to be home. The song nearly over, I pushed through the door. Their set would be finished shortly, and I waited for him in the only room with a lock. The bathroom.
The lighting was low, so when he appeared in the doorway, I could barely see his face. He didn’t say anything as he walked in, shutting the door behind him. He turned the lock and I could feel my body tingling as he walked to me. He started undoing his belt, so I started undoing mine. Before my pants were even unzipped, he flipped me around and led me to the wall. It was fortunate that I was wearing heels. Without a good surface, standing was our only option.
I wanted this, but something was bothering me and I felt tense. “Don’t let her touch you anymore,” I said. His response was a gentle nod as he started kissing my neck. His fingers curled into the waist of my pants, and my body began relaxing under his touch. As he pushed them down, I bent over.
With a shaky breath, I propped my hands on the wall and felt his torso meet my back as he entered me. My eyes closed and I moaned as I felt him cage me in. His thrusts were hard and deep. The loud music of the bar was drowned out by the sounds of our bodies slapping and our rushed breathing. Wanting it even deeper, I pushed my ass into him.
One of his arms curled under mine and rested around my shoulder, using the hold to forcefully push himself into me. My inhales were sharp and desperate. Just a few more thrusts. When he bucked hard, I cried out and reached over me to touch his face. My fingers landed on the back of his head, and I gripped his hair. I felt his lips touch my neck, and I think he said, “All I need,” but couldn’t be certain. With his mouth still on my skin, he started moving faster until his own moans filled the room.
It hadn’t been a marathon, just a rushed, needy fuck, but my body still felt satisfied. “Mmmm,” he murmured as he kissed my shoulder. I nodded and muttered something incomprehensible, making him chuckle. Gently, he kissed my skin one more time before pulling out.
Once we righted our clothes, we came out of the room, and headed back to the bar. I realized that people might know what we’d been doing and froze. He stopped and looked at me questioningly.
“You go first,” I rushed out.
He smiled like that was silly. “Why?”
“Lucas, it’s obvious what we just did! This is embarrassing.”
“Baby,” he laughed, “who cares?”
“I do!” My foot stomped for good measure, only making him laugh harder.
“Fine,” he said, still chuckling. “I’ll go out here. You can go out this way and come back in the front.” He shook his head as he unlocked the stock room door to let me out.
The walk to the front was still embarrassing. I hoped that when I walked in, no one would recognize me. Just in case, I discreetly walked to the table Lucas was sitting at. Everyone but Wally was there. An empty chair was across from Lucas, and I went for it, but Wally swooped in and took it just as I approached.
Awkwardly, I stood in front of the table. They were all smiling, but trying to pretend as if they weren’t. Nicole took a sip of her beer to hide hers. Charles put a hand over his face. Wally straight up grinned at me.
Lucas reached for me, offering his lap in lieu of a chair. I tensed. Sensing my unease, he gave everyone at the table a murderous glare. They started talking amongst themselves, pretending to ignore us. Gently, he grabbed my hand and slowly pulled me onto his legs.
I went with reluctance, but didn’t relax into him. The hand rubbing up and down my side did little to calm me. If we were alone, this type of interaction wouldn’t have fazed me. It was clear that we had reached a critical point in this situation. Did I mind public affection? Did I want to be able to freely touch him?
I realized that yes, I did. But I needed boundaries. If we acted this way all the time, I would start to feel like his girlfriend. And I wasn’t. I reached for a beer on the table and drank a sip. As he took it out of my hand and also drank from it, I realized it was his. He’d done it so casually, as if sharing with me hadn’t bothered him at all.
I started to smile, relaxing a little. I guess people were more open when they drank—like we were on Halloween. Maybe that could work for me.
I settled into him and draped an arm over his shoulder. Both of his came around me, one sitting on my waist, the other along my legs. He and Wally were still talking and he seemed oblivious to how difficult this decision had been for me.
Nicole winked at me from the other end of the table. Not wanting to make this a big deal, I rolled my eyes. She smiled, knowing that it was. Sandra was over her shoulder, glancing at Lucas and me. I wanted to rub this in her face. To run my fingers through his hair. To nuzzle his neck. To kiss him right in front of her. Instead, I tore my eyes away. It wasn’t her fault that I felt jealous. And it wasn’t my fault that she probably felt jealous now.
For the rest of the night I sat, in his lap, even when chairs were available. I’d start to go for them, and he’d tighten his hand, telling me that he wanted me to stay.
And on the drive home, I went to the middle of the seat without him asking me to. He tried to hide his smile as he put his keys in the ignition. But I saw it.
Thanksgiving arrived, and Lucas was going to visit his parents for a few days. Nicole asked if I wanted to come to her family’s house and so did Charles, but I declined. It was nothing against either of them, but I knew I woul
d feel uncomfortable. I didn’t even know Nicole’s family, and Charles’ parents were great, but I didn’t want to intrude.
Since the house was quiet, and I caught up on studying. My grades weren’t horrible, but my dad would be disappointed. I really had to buckle down if I was going to bring in A’s at finals.
For two days straight, all I did was study. I was worn out from looking at so many numbers. My hands hurt, my body felt weak, and my head throbbed. Friday night, all I wanted to do was sleep, and I crashed at 9 p.m.
At midnight, my phone dinged. Almost immediately, I fell back asleep, but it dinged again. Wondering what it was, I reached for it. I had two new text messages from Lucas.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
Twenty minutes later.
See you then?
My heart thumped wildly at seeing his words. He was somewhere else thinking about me as he tried to sleep. I put a hand to my forehead and rolled over. I think I missed him. The thought of seeing him soon made me smile. Knowing that I would get to hug and kiss him made me happy. I realized that not only had I studied so hard over the last two days to bring my grades up, but also to keep my mind off Lucas being away.
You bet was what I sent back. This was getting harder for me. All of the sex and cuddling. It was too much. It was becoming difficult to keep my heart out of this.
My phone dinged with a new message. Great. Night baby.
I felt my chest tighten and stood from the bed and walked to my dresser. I pulled out his gray t-shirt and put it on. Back under the covers, I nuzzled into my pillow feeling scared.
My heart had been trampled and broken. Over the last few months, I’d been gradually repairing it. And even though it felt like it was somewhat whole again, I knew pieces of it were lost forever. Cracks drifted along the surface. Little holes gaped here and there. It was fragile. All it would take was a tiny thump for it to break again.
As I clutched his shirt, I hoped that I’d have the strength to pull away from Lucas before it came to that.
Since Lucas hadn’t returned, Kate let me into the bar the next afternoon. I’d just finished doing his weekly reports and was sitting on a stool when he walked through the door.
“All done?” he asked with a grin.
“Yes, sir.”
Kate had her back to us, cleaning liquor bottles. He glanced at her before placing a hand to my shoulder. “It’s good to see you,” he whispered and kissed my neck. “You gotta leave? Or can you stay for a bit.”
“I can stay,” I said. It would have been better had I left, but I wanted to be around him. I’d missed him and no matter what my head told me, my heart wouldn’t listen.
He smiled. “Give me a minute to get some things out of my car.”
After he left, Kate approached me. “You aren’t fooling anyone you know.” I looked at her for only a second before turning to the TV, choosing to ignore her statement rather than respond to it. She shook her head and chuckled. “It’s none of my business. Do whatever you want, but what’s gonna happen when Candace comes back?”
That struck a nerve. “Who says she’s coming back?” I said without thinking.
“She always comes back, Marlowe. Always.”
I felt my body tighten, and my eyes became fascinated with the beer signs lining the walls.
“He’s gonna do what he always does,” she continued. “She’ll throw her fit and you’ll be gone. I’m just being honest. You aren’t the first one. And you probably won’t be the last. Do yourself a favor and prepare for that okay?”
I could tell that she thought she was being helpful, but I still thought she was a bitch. Why would Lucas throw me aside? Did she think so little of me? Did everyone? That I was disposable? A filler girl until his real one came back?
Was I? I didn’t know. And I didn’t like thinking I might be. “See you later,” I told her and stood from the stool. Lucas came back in the door as I was walking towards it. He had two boxes in his arms, and drew in his eyebrows as I passed him. “I need to study,” I said and left before he responded.
On my way home, he called, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t respond to his text message either. The last month had been nothing but Lucas. I needed to focus on what was important—hitting the books and pulling these grades up. I did some calculations and realized I had to ace all of my tests if I hoped to get A’s.
I kicked off my shoes and pulled my books onto my bed, pouring over every chapter and assignment. By midnight, I’d vigorously reviewed every test I’d taken and was about to review them again when there was a knock at my door.
“Who is it?”
“Me,” I heard on the other side. Lucas.
I sat up and fiddled with my ponytail. Did I want to see him? What did he want anyway? I didn’t need any distractions.
“Can I come in?” he asked and I realized I’d been sitting in silence for quite a while.
“Uh, sure,” I said.
The door opened and he stood just outside my room. “I know it’s late, but I saw your light on…” he trailed off as he eyed my textbooks. “Need a break?”
“I’m trying to get in as much studying as possible. School’s been neglected over the last few weeks.”
He nodded. “Well, I got that movie I heard you talking about with Lacey. I was thinking maybe we could watch it.” He started tapping the Blu-ray against his hand. It was a new one based off a book I’d read. I’d wanted to see it for a while, but hadn’t found the time. Dejected, he looked down at his feet. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was sad. “Maybe another night,” he finished and started to walk off.
“Wait,” I called to him. He stopped and looked over his shoulder. Part of my brain kept saying, Let him go, this is a mistake, but I didn’t listen. “A break would be nice.” He smiled and walked into the room. To give us space, I started clearing off my bed, moving the books to the floor. After he put the Blu-ray in, we propped up on my bed.
Throughout the film, I filled him in on things the movie left out from the book. He seemed to enjoy it because he kept asking me questions and commenting on the things happening. We didn’t even touch until halfway through it when I started getting uncomfortable in my position. I was scooting up and down, trying to find a spot I liked, when he pulled me into his shoulder, wrapping his arm around me.
It was after 2 a.m. when it ended. As he left, he kissed me on the forehead. “Call me tomorrow if you want another break. I’m free all day.”
I nodded, not knowing if I would.
Chapter 15
I didn’t.
The night before he hadn’t even tried anything physical with me. We’d already had more sex than I probably ever did with Mark. And right now, I could separate that from being in a relationship. If we started hanging out and doing things together, the lines would blur.
To keep my mind off him, I stayed in my bedroom and studied any time I was awake. Not a second was wasted. For an entire week, I became a hermit. Before long, I was flying through old assignments and completing ones that hadn’t been assigned with little difficulty. I reviewed every study guide, poured over every chapter.
The week of finals, I had to take five tests. I wouldn’t get my grades back until the next week. Sunday I was a bundle of nerves. Pacing my room and biting my nails, mentally going over everything I’d learned. My clock said 2 p.m. I had a little over 24 hours to be completely prepared.
“Marlowe!” I heard outside my door.
“WHAT?” I snapped.
“Just making sure you’re alive,” Wally said from the other side.
I walked over to it and threw it open. “Yes, I’m alive,” I said sarcastically.
“Jeez, chill. Nobody’s seen you in a week. Forgive me for being concerned.”
Closing my eyes, I rubbed my hands down my face. I was so stressed. When they reached my chin, I opened my eyes and saw Lucas standing at the end of the hallway, lingering outside Charles’ room.
He was staring straight at me, and
was about to smile. I knew I looked crazy. My hair was probably wild and messy. My eyes probably had dark circles. My purple yoga pants didn’t even match his gray t-shirt – his gray t-shirt. Great.
He started towards me. I’d completely forgotten that I was even wearing it. It was my go to now. To sleep. To lounge. To do whatever. I felt like an idiot.
Standing in front of me, he rubbed the hem between his fingers. Wally walked off, leaving us alone. We both leaned into my doorframe. He reached up and brushed my hair behind my ear. “You need a break, Marzy,” he said quietly.
“My finals start tomorrow. I have to keep studying.”
“Let me help you.”
I bit the inside of my lip as I thought about it. It might be good to have someone help, but did I want it to be him? “I have an M.B.A.,” he added. “So I do know a little bit about passing finals.”
“You have a Master’s?”
“Yeah.” He walked in my room and shut the door, making the decision for me.
Over the next few hours, he quizzed me and quizzed me again. Even threw in some curve balls. It helped to have him there, and I realized that I knew all of this backwards and forwards. After I finished a very complicated problem, Lucas checked my answers and smiled. “You got this Marzy!”
I fell back on my bed with a relieved sigh. He kicked off his shoes and moved to lie next to me. His hand came to my stomach and started fiddling with his shirt again. “This looks good on you,” he said. “I want you to keep it.”
I made a face. “Like you have a choice. It’s been in my closet for over a month. It’s mine now.”
He grinned and pulled me by the waist into his chest. We stared at each other a moment before he nudged my nose with his and then kissed me slowly. I started melting into him, missing the feel of his lips, but when his hand went up my shirt, I pulled away and moved to the end of the bed. If we were going to continue this thing between us, I needed some things clarified.
The bed dipped as he moved, but he didn’t try to approach me. Kate’s words lingered in my ears. Charles’ words lingered in my ears. My inner doubts lingered in my ears. Everything was lingering! Before I lost my nerve and this became some unspoken fear that I couldn’t shake, I asked him what I’d been dwelling on.
Starting Fires Page 18