“So you weren’t lying when you said there wasn’t anything going on between you two,” I smiled.
“Did you think I was?” he grinned.
I drew my lip in and shrugged. “You never know.”
He considered me for a moment then pulled his phone out of his pocket. As he started messing with it, I had the feeling that maybe I’d insulted him and thought about explaining. We’d barely known each other at that time, and I wasn’t sure what to be believe from him. I hardly knew now. But before I could, he pressed the speaker button on his phone as he made a call.
“Hey, you,” Gwen answered huskily, and my fist tightened. That was awfully familiar. I propped up on one of the coolers underneath the bar, pretending that it didn’t bother me.
“Hey,” Lucas said. “Kate can’t make it in tonight? Think you could?”
“Well…” she drew out for an extra-long time. “What’s in it for me?” I didn’t like the flirtation in her tone, and looked down to my fingers.
“Never mind,” Lucas suddenly said. “It shouldn’t be so bad. I’ll see you later.”
“I don’t mind-”
“Seriously. I got it. See you later.” He didn’t wait for her to respond and hung up. After he rubbed his hand up and down the back of his head a few times, he looked at me. “Wanna be my bar-back for the night?”
“I have to go to work tomorrow,” I said.
“Shit,” he sighed. “I forgot.”
While he silently stressed about the busy night ahead of him, I knew that Gwen would have gladly come up here, but he’d told her no. Was it for my benefit? Did he realize how she made me feel? “I can stay,” I said. “One day of sleepiness won’t be so bad.”
“You don’t have to do that,” he said.
“Do you want me to?” I asked, leaning across the bar with a smile.
“You know I do,” he grinned back. “But not if it’s going to be bad for you tomorrow.”
“It’s Friday. I’ll have the weekend to catch up on sleep.”
“If you’re sure…” he said and I nodded. “Okay, let me show you around.”
Over the next hour, a few customers strolled in and Lucas made them drinks in between giving me my bar-back lesson. I was supposed to clean glasses, wipe down tables and counters, cut garnishes, empty ashtrays, and do anything else he needed.
At around 8 p.m. a crowd had gathered and we were flying back and forth behind the bar. Honestly, it was difficult to keep up. He really could use another bartender. Making all the drinks himself looked exhausting. He probably should also consider hiring a bouncer and permanent bar-back as well. They’d been non-stop busy over the last few weeks.
After I bumped into him for the third time, nearly spilling the drinks in his hands, I decided to go clear tables and ashtrays.
People seriously had no manners. A few tables had trashcans literally right next to them, but they left the mountains of bottles for someone else to dispose of. Walking back to the bar, I knew that I looked like a frazzled mess. Still in the slacks and dress shirt from work, my ponytail loose and causing flyaways. But eventually moved around each other with ease, and I had a good rhythm worked out. Clean the bar, clean the tables, wash glasses, stock liquor bottles, and cut shit up.
Sometime around 11, a pretty blonde positioned herself at the bar, trying to make small talk with Lucas. I didn’t blame her. He looked sexy and completely in his element. Fitted jeans and shirt. Laughing and joking with the regulars. If I was her, I’d be doing the same thing, but that didn’t mean that I was okay with it, and I narrowed my eyes at her every chance I got.
As last call finally approached, I leaned against the back of the bar, watching the few stragglers requests their drink. The blonde lingered, smiling at Lucas. While he filled up a pint glass, he held a finger up to her.
“Fifteen Minutes!” he yelled when he was through. “Then you all better be outta here!”
As their drinks were consumed, one by one they left. Except for the blonde. She and Lucas were deep in conversation, and I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. His back was to me, but I could see her face clearly. Whatever they were talking about, she seemed to enjoy it because a smile never wavered from her mouth.
With only a few minutes to spare, she rose from her chair and pushed a napkin in his direction. Obviously, her phone number. Lucas gave her a wave, and I watched him like a hawk as he held it in his hand. For a moment, he stared at it, as if contemplating something, but then discreetly tossed it into the garbage can. After she cleared the door, he went to it and turned the lock. “Exhausted?” he smiled as he started walking back to me.
“Yeah. I’m gonna head home, unless you need anything else.”
He made it around the bar and stood in front of me, placing his hands on my hips. “No, baby,” he said. “Thanks for staying as long as you did. It would’ve been hell without you.”
“Any time,” I said, feeling strange about the napkin thing. He took my chin into his fingers and kissed me gently on the mouth. “See you tomorrow,” I told him and grabbed my purse.
On the car ride home, I evaluated whether or not I would ask Lucas about commitment. On one hand, I thought he was completely okay with it—telling Gwen not to worry about coming in, not scheduling them together, the sweet text messages, giving me his house key, all the baby’s.
But then…
There was the napkin. And the way he held it in his hand. He’d wanted to keep it. At least he considered it. And maybe he called everyone baby. Maybe all the girls in his harem were baby. And perhaps he was just being honest about the house key. Maybe he didn’t trust Wally or Charles with it and I was his only other choice.
I crawled in bed at 2 a.m. feeling sick to my stomach. Why couldn’t this be easy? Why couldn’t I just know what he wanted? I could ask him. I knew that. But I was proud and insecure. If he ended things between us, I’d be a wreck, but a silent wreck. I’d mope and wallow in self-pity in the privacy of my room. No one would have to know how heartbroken I was—especially him. And if I told him I was thinking about commitment, he would know that I wanted more from him. I couldn’t do it. The words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I fell asleep never feeling more broken.
Chapter 20
Before I knew it, it was February. Between my time at the Accounting Firm and homework, the days whizzed by. Lucas and I saw each other when we had the time, but the newness of our fling was beginning to wear off, and we didn’t attack each other like animals each time we were alone. The sex was still amazing and often, but less of a focal point. Sometimes he’d come over and watch television in my room while I completed homework. Other times we’d lay on the bed and laugh, giggling into the night as we made fun of some of his more colorful customers.
It was on those nights that my heart swelled and I held on to every second of my time with him because deep down I knew it wouldn’t last. Eventually, he would grow bored and find a new constant. That would be how we ended. I couldn’t see myself breaking it off unless there was someone else in the picture. I’d do this dance with him for as long as he’d let me. Commitment or not, I wouldn’t deny, at least to myself, that I was crazy about him.
One Saturday afternoon after we were finished at the bar, I rode with him to meet Mia. She needed to borrow money so she could go on a trip in a few weeks. Grumpily, Lucas pulled up to a funky clothing shop. The models in the window were all wearing progressive styles that hadn’t caught on, and I was sure that the brands would be ones that I’d never heard.
The door chimed as he held the door open for me. Mia was behind the counter ringing up a customer and smiled when she saw me. I gave her a wave and started looking around. It didn’t only carry clothes. They had jewelry, handbags, accessories, and shoes.
“Give me a minute,” Lucas said and approached the counter. The two of them were talking in hushed tones, and every once in a while, Lucas would let out a sigh. To busy myself, I approached one of the necklace stands. Hearing
them quietly argue reminded me of my sister, and as soon as I thought her name, a necklace on the next rack caught my eye.
It had a long silver chain—plain and uninteresting. A pendant hung from it. It was a violin. I walked over to it, and held the tiny violin in my fingers. Flashes of my mother and sister practicing in the dining room filled my thoughts. Both looking beautiful. Concentration and elegance encompassing their features. Different pendants adorned the other chains. Some were guitars. Others were dragonflies. I saw a tiger, too. Also a music note. And then my eyes settled on a sparrow, its wings spread in flight. With a smile, I took it off the rack, placing the little bird in the palm of my hand.
“See something you like?” Lucas asked behind me.
“This one reminds me of you,” I said and showed it to him.
He chuckled and wrapped his arms around my waist. “I’m ready to go if you are.”
“Yeah, I need to get some studying done.” I put the necklace back and waved goodbye to Mia.
“Good to see you,” she smiled.
“You, too.”
After we made it home, we went our separate ways. But at 8 o’clock, he strolled into my room. He didn’t even knock, but walked in and sat down next to me. I was studying, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek before firing up the TV. Adult Swim was playing, and I tried to concentrate on the worksheets in front me while he watched. Eventually I finished, and set it aside.
“What are you doing in a week?” he asked.
“Um. I don’t know,” I laughed, glancing at him over my shoulder. “Probably nothing.”
“Wanna hang out next Saturday?”
“I don’t see why not,” I smiled and turned to face him. “What do you wanna do?” Hoping it was something fun, I moved to straddle him. His hands came to my hips and he raked them up my sides, squeezing before trailing them down my back, letting them settle on my behind. “Is there a concert nearby you want to see or something? Because I’d totally be down for that.”
He shook his head, like he thought I was ridiculous before kissing me softly on the lips. “I was thinking we could just stay in. Maybe watch a good movie.”
“If you want to cuddle,” I smiled, “all you have to do is say so.”
“Oh, I want to do more than cuddle,” he grinned and threw me back on the bed, settling between my legs.
With a giggle, I said, “Sure. Just admit you need some cuddle time.”
He smiled, planting sweet kisses against my lips. “I need some cuddle time,” he said.
“Then I’m all yours.”
It was Tuesday when Paul said, “Got any big plans for Saturday?”
“Not really. Just staying in.”
“Single?” he asked with sympathy. “I’ve been there. In fact, I’m always there. This is the first year I’ve had a girlfriend in…” he stopped to think about it. “… well, a while.”
Over his shoulder was a wall calendar, and my eyes went to today’s date. February 10th. Oh shit. They flew to Saturday. February 14th. “Oh my God,” I said. “That’s why he wanted to know if I had plans.” A gigantic smile came over my face, and I brought my hands to my mouth.
“You didn’t even know it was Valentine’s Day?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
“I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even thought about it. Oh my God,” I repeated. “He asked me to hang out with him on Valentine’s Day. Like specifically asked.”
“So… not single?”
“It’s complicated,” I said.
“But it’s clear that you’re crazy about him,” he smiled. “I can feel the fluffy, butterflies coming off you. They’re literally hitting me in the face.”
“Shut up,” I said and turned around.
He chuckled behind my back. “Why is it complicated?”
No. We weren’t at that level of friendship. I wasn’t going to spill my heart to him. “It just is.”
Understanding that I wasn’t in a sharing mood, he said, “Well, are you going to get him anything?”
I whirled back around. “Should I? I don’t know. What if I get him something and he doesn’t get me anything? That would be so embarrassing.”
Now he full on laughed. “Relax. If it matters that much to you, buy him something and on the day of, feel him out.”
That idea appealed to me. I knew I had to get him something. Christmas had been a surprise, and I still felt horrible that I didn’t think to buy him a present. He wasn’t going to sneak one up on me again. This time I was going to be prepared.
“Well, what does he like?” Lacey asked. She, Nicole, and I were in my room. They were on my bed, and I was sitting on the floor. It was Wednesday and I didn’t have much time to get Lucas a gift.
“I don’t know. What do you get a guy who’s not your boyfriend on Valentine’s Day? Clothes? Cologne?”
“Blah,” Nicole said. “Boring. How about you take some sexy pictures for him? Now, that would be a present he’d never forget.”
I chuckled. “Absolutely not. Who knows who might get their hands on them? Before I know it, my ass will be all over the internet.” A picture wasn’t a bad idea though. But not of me trying to be sexy. “He likes trees,” I said. “His room is filled with paintings and pictures of them. What about a picture of one? That I take myself.”
“Are you a photographer?” Nicole asked.
“No. But I get the gist of it. Point and click. How hard can it be?”
Lacey made an hmm sound. “It’s personal, but not over the top. Do you have one in mind?”
I bit the inside of my lip as I thought about it. It had to be a big tree. A marvelous tree. A fantastical tree. I’d seen one recently and thought I bet Lucas would like that, but couldn’t remember where it was. In my mind, I imagined myself driving down all the back roads and neighborhoods I’d been on over the last few weeks but came up empty.
“There’s that big tree out by Adams Park,” Nicole said.
“Adams Park!” I exclaimed. “That was it. Yes! It has that huge oak, right? The branches long, and winding all over the place?”
“Yeah, at the very back.”
The next day, I took my camera and the three of us made our way to the tree. As we were approaching it, Lacey asked to see my camera, and I handed it to her. “There aren’t a lot of people here,” she said. “Maybe you should strip down and take some nudes by it.”
Despite the seriousness of her tone, I knew that she was joking and started chuckling. She said my name and I looked over my shoulder just as she snapped a picture. “Just another idea,” she shrugged. “He likes you. And he likes trees. Maybe he’d like a picture of you and a tree.”
I rolled my eyes and took the camera back from her. After I got a few good shots in—some with the sun shining through the branches, some looking all broody, some up close, and some far away—we left to get them printed.
Within minutes I had them and liked the broody one best. It made the tree look spooky and alive and, in my opinion, held more depth. The next day, I went to a second hand store and found an old, worn, wooden 5x7 frame. I wasn’t trying to be cheap, but thought the age of the frame brought out the rustic appeal of the tree.
Before he was supposed to arrive on Saturday, I held the frame and the pictures in my hands, trying to decide which one to use. I’d narrowed it down to the spooky, broody one and the one of me. The one of me was actually good. My face was slightly out of focus and the tree towered in the background. My smile was genuine, and the wind was making my hair fly behind me. But it seemed egotistical to give someone a picture of myself. Instead, I did something admittedly weird.
I took a sharpie and drew a heart in the bottom corner of the picture of myself then signed it Marzy. I placed the picture of just the tree in the frame and the one of me behind it. Unless he decided to change out the frame, he would never even know it was there. At the store, I’d found some red wrapping paper, and quickly dressed it before tucking it in my nightstand drawer, ready to pull it out if I wanted to.
At 7 p.m., he came through my open bedroom door. I smiled and rose from the bed to meet him. “I brought two movies,” he said and held them out to show me. One was The Princess Bride. The other was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. “You get to pick which one we watch.”
His favorite movie really wasn’t a cuddle film, but I didn’t want to make him sit through my arguable chick flick. When I grabbed Fear and Loathing his eyebrows went up. “Not what I was expecting,” he said.
I shrugged and crawled onto the bed. Lucas sat at the end and reached across to my Blu-ray player to put it in. After he kicked off his shoes, he scooted back and immediately pulled me into his side, wrapping his arm around me. I nestled into him while we watched the acid trip take place on the screen. Not exactly a romantic movie, but I knew how much he liked it, and it had been ages since I’d actually watched it.
After it was through, he asked if I wanted to watch The Princess Bride, too. Eagerly, I nodded my head. Partly because watching his movie made me feel like I was suffering the hangover of a century and I wanted something to wash it away. But it was also because I wanted him to be next to me for a little while longer.
As soon as the titles began playing, I felt my body relax and a peaceful tranquility sweep over me. I must have sighed because Lucas chuckled and kissed me on top of the head. “More up your alley?”
“Don’t get me wrong,” I said. “I can appreciate the cult classics, but that movie takes a lot out of you. I’m not even sure I can pass a drug test after watching it.” Amused, he gave me a squeeze and tilted my head up to give me a kiss.
This movie was lighter hearted and we moved around and talked through it. I laid my head in his lap during the last fifteen minutes, and could have fallen asleep as he ran his fingers through my hair.
As the credits rolled, my palms started sweating. It was time to decide whether to give him the present. So far, he hadn’t given me anything. Reluctantly, I rose from his lap and watched him scoot to the end of the bed to put his shoes back on. While he worked his feet into them, I watched his back. Before I lost my nerve, I pulled the drawer to my nightstand open.
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