Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  “Nope,” he said, relieved. “It was good to see you. Both of you,” he told them and we started walking back to our cars.

  I left my arm through his. “Is that…”

  “Yes.”

  Wanting to offer comfort, I hugged him to me. “Let’s go to that sandwich place on Long.”

  He agreed, and we drove separately. While we were eating, he asked me about Lacey and Nicole, wondering if I’d mentioned him. I hadn’t. “Oh my gosh,” I said, “I completely forgot about it. But I don’t really think a blind date would be the best set up. Next time we go out, you can meet up with us.”

  “Sounds good,” he said. “Thanks by the way.”

  “It’s no problem. They’re fun. You’ll like them, even just as friends.”

  “Not about that,” he said. “About my brother and ex. That was… uncomfortable.”

  “That wasn’t a problem either,” I smiled. He smiled back.

  I made it to the bar just after one. Lucas was outside propped against his car. Candace was next to him. I parked across the lot and stared in my rearview mirror, unable to get out. Why was she here? What was he doing talking to her? Her arms were jerking all over the place, and then she moved to stand in front of him, blocking her face from me.

  With sweaty palms, I opened my door and made my way towards them with more confidence than I felt. Upon hearing my shoes click along the pavement, she looked over her shoulder and glared. Even though I wanted to glare right back, I kept my face calm, as if her presence didn’t bother me.

  I was about ten feet away, when Lucas pushed off his car and took a step towards me. Just one step. “Give me a minute,” he said.

  My feet stopped moving and I hesitated. Why did he want a minute with her? I thought they were done. Over. This was beginning to be too much. I couldn’t keep track of all the women that made me feel insecure. Candace. Gwen. Stephanie. Sandra. Even the blonde who gave him her phone number.

  My thoughts must have been evident, because he walked the rest of the way and tucked some hair behind my ear. “I’ll be done in just a second,” he whispered sweetly, trying to sound reassuring.

  “Okay,” I said and went into the bar.

  Instead of agonizing over what they were discussing, I tried to keep my mind occupied by getting to work. After fifteen minutes had passed and he hadn’t come to his office, I couldn’t take it anymore and went to find him.

  He was behind the bar, leaning against the back counter, casual and unaffected, typing into his phone. He looked in my direction then brought his eyes back to the screen. After a second, he reached his arm out, asking me to come into his side. I went.

  Distracted by his phone, his arm circled around me, rubbing up and down my side as an afterthought. “It’s my dad,” he said. “Asking about our vacation. Did you talk to your boss?”

  “Yeah,” I said into his shoulder. “He won’t let me go. Two employees are out on leave and that’s the main reason they need me. He said he can’t give me a week.” I hugged him. “I’m sorry. I really do want to go.”

  “It’s okay,” he said, slipping the phone into his pocket. “Next time.” With the distraction gone, he wrapped his arms fully around me and pulled me to stand in front of him. “What did you do today?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” I shrugged. “Ate and came here.”

  “Eat anything good?”

  “A club sandwich. What did Candace want?”

  He stared at me, as if he was trying to figure out what to say. My eyes never wavered as I let him work through it. “Nothing,” he finally said. “Just some bullshit.” He kissed me hard then. Holding my face and tilting me backwards. I was breathless and smiling when he finished.

  “What was that for?”

  “I felt like it,” he grinned. “Now go get those books done,” he smiled, popping me on the behind. I chuckled and walked back to his office.

  When I left, I gave him a kiss and told him that I’d see him tomorrow. My first midterm was Monday afternoon and I needed to study. He looked disappointed but understood. For hours, I poured over my textbooks. My head was starting to hurt and my back was killing me. At 9 o’clock, my phone rang and it was a welcomed interruption. The call was coming from the bar. “Hey,” I answered. “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing,” Lucas said, his voice slightly slurred. “Just thinking about you.”

  “Me, too,” I said, smiling. “I could use your help again. Did I ever tell you that you were the best study partner I’ve ever had?”

  “I wouldn’t be much good right now,” he laughed. “Everybody’s up here and Wally is in a particular mood. Been buying shots for the last hour.”

  I could barely remember the last time I’d had a shot. “You’re not driving are you?”

  “No. Ian has my keys.”

  “Good.”

  “Is the studying too bad?” he asked.

  “It’s okay. Boring, but coming along.”

  “That’s good,” he said. A silence followed, long and deafening. A million things race through my mind. Questions and statements. Confessions and desires. But he was drunk. It wasn’t the time.

  Realizing he wasn’t going to speak again, I said, “Be safe and call me tomorrow.”

  “I will.”

  I could still hear him on the other end, not hanging up. I didn’t either, wondering what else he wanted to say. After a moment, came a barely audible, “Baby?”

  “I’m here,” I said.

  He took a deep, painful, breath. “I miss you.”

  My chest tightened, and I snuggled into my pillow. “I miss you, too.”

  Silence again.

  “Alright, I’ll call you tomorrow.” And with that, he hung up. I stared at my phone, knowing what I wanted to do. Lucas was at his bar and he missed me. Well, I was going to him.

  Lacey and Nicole had already told me they would be there tonight. It was the perfect opportunity for Paul to meet them. I texted him and told him to come. About forty-five minutes later, we were standing in the parking lot.

  “Ready?” I asked him with a smile.

  “Let’s do it,” he said, slapping my back.

  “Ouch,” I chuckled and walked towards the door with him trailing behind me.

  A bouncer asked for our IDs and I felt my brow furrow. So much had changed over the last few months. It was good that he had a bouncer, but it felt strange that I didn’t know about it. I realized that Lucas and I barely talked anymore. Our lives were pulling us away from each other.

  Pushing the sadness away, I spotted the back of Wally’s head and made my way to the table. Lucas, Ian, Charles, Lacey, and Nicole were all there, drunk and loud. Lucas was leaning against the table, resting his head against his arm.

  “Hey,” I said. “I decided to come!”

  Lucas raised his head and smiled when he heard my voice. “Marzy!” he beamed, his drunken eyes glazed. He saw Paul over my shoulder and the smile melted away. I didn’t miss his fist clenching or his eyes narrowing.

  “This is Paul,” I told the table, avoiding Lucas’ scowl. “We work together.” Paul gave everyone an awkward wave and then leaned over to whisper in my ear.

  “Why does that guy look like he wants to kill me?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I whispered back. “I’ll talk to him.”

  Ian pulled two chairs next to him and Paul and I sat. Lucas was at the other end of the table, glaring at us. Our eyes connected and he crooked a finger, beckoning me to him. Not wanting to leave Paul alone with no one to talk to, I held my finger up, smiling—hoping that would calm him. It didn’t. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

  Lacey was sitting next to me and I pulled her into a conversation, trying to get Paul involved. “This is Lacey,” I told him. “What’s that band you like so much?” I asked her. “Shark Banana? Paul has seen them live. Twice.”

  Her eyes grew large. “Really? Tell me everything,” she said. “I can never get tickets.”

  H
e smiled and started recounting the first time he ever saw them. Once it was clear they would be talking for a while, I walked over to Lucas. I was standing in front of him when he pulled me into his lap with a jerk, and, without warning, opened his mouth over mine, pushing his tongue in. It was aggressive and foreign. Nothing about it was romantic or said I miss you. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and feel his hands groping. Wanting it to be over, I pulled away. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Nothing now,” he said, bringing his mouth to my neck. His hands were roaming over my body, and I felt my face heat when Paul looked in our direction. His eyes lingered on the hand below my breast. Lucas was squeezing inappropriately, his other hand high on my thigh, nearly touching me between my legs. Normally, this might not have bothered me. It was a little much since I was sober, but his touch was always welcomed. Just not in front of Paul. He knew so little about Lucas and I, and all he did know was that I was crazy about him, but that we weren’t dating. From the way he was touching me, it was obvious that we’d done other things. It made me feel like a floozy.

  “I’m gonna go get a drink,” I smiled at Lucas. “Do you need anything?”

  He shook his head and gave me a gentler kiss on the mouth. That was more like it. Gladly, I returned it before walking to the bar. Within a few minutes, Kate had served me my drinks. One for me and one for Paul. I walked back to him and placed the drink at his hands. “Thanks,” he smiled up at me. “Lacey told me that you’re from New York. How come you never told me?”

  I shrugged. “It never came up in conversation.”

  “There is so much about you that I don’t know,” he said, grinning and shaking his head.

  “Tons.”

  “Come here,” he said. “Sit. Tell me how you got to Louisiana.”

  As I sat, I looked in Lucas’ direction. He was laughing with Wally, cackling hysterically. His huge grin made me smile, too. Focusing back on Paul, I was vague about my move, not wanting to spill the whole story. “I moved with a boyfriend. It didn’t work out, and I stayed.”

  “You’re not telling me something,” he said, taking a big gulp of his beer.

  “There is so much I’m not telling you,” I laughed. “But maybe another time.” I leaned into him and whispered, “What do you think of her?”

  Lacey was right next to us, to keep her from hearing his response, he leaned into me. “She’s nice,” he whispered. “Pretty. Cool as hell if she likes Shark Banana, but…”

  “Here we go,” I said, rolling my eyes, but smiling.

  “What?” he laughed. Lowering his voice, he continued with, “She’s not into me. Trust me.”

  “Well, what about Nicole?”

  He pursed his lips. “I feel weird, chatting one up and then moving on to the other. Maybe another time.”

  “Fine,” I sighed. “I guess I’m not very good at playing match maker.” I sat back, bringing the beer to my lips.

  “Is that Lucas?” he asked, nodding in his direction.

  “Yeah.”

  We didn’t talk about it further, joining in on the conversation around the table. Paul fit in perfectly, and even got Ian to talk quite a bit about his auto shop. Nicole and Lacey both were looking at him with curiosity and I wished that I were better at this. If they gave him a chance, either one would really like him. Nicole even gave him her flirtatious eyes when he asked her where she was from.

  Our beers finished, Paul and I went back to the bar for another round. We were standing behind some patrons, sipping them and talking about work when two arms came around my waist. “Let’s go back to my office,” Lucas loudly slurred. “Your shirt is driving me crazy.” Nothing about my shirt was seductive. It was high on the neck and only slightly form fitting. But Paul looked at me with wide eyes and brought his lips into his mouth, trying to hide… his disgust? His smile? His embarrassment? I didn’t know. But I was a little mortified. Seeing our relationship through Paul’s eyes made me feel sleazy.

  “Not right now,” I said quietly, and tried to slip out of his hold.

  Lucas let go of me, and moved to stand at my side. “Why not?” he asked, looking as close as he could to pouting.

  Never once had I denied him. It didn’t matter who was around or where we were. If he said the word, I went. Well, not this time. I was embarrassed. And confused. Why was Candace with him earlier? “Because,” I said.

  His face looked sad for only a moment, before anger took its place. He took a deep breath through his nose, setting his jaw. “Is it because of him?” he asked, pointing to Paul.

  “No!” I said, not wanting to drag him into this.

  “Are you fucking him?” he asked. It hadn’t been a yell, but it was loud enough that several heads turned towards us.

  “I think I’m going to leave,” Paul said.

  Now I was even more embarrassed. People were staring, hoping to see a showdown. “Stop it,” I whispered to Lucas.

  “No! Tell me. Are you?”

  Humiliated tears filled my eyes. What right did he have to ask me that? After all the women I’d suffered and never said a word. “I’m leaving, too,” I said through clenched teeth and left my beer on the bar. He called after me, but I didn’t stop.

  Charles said something to him. Whatever it was, his response was a loud, “Fuck that!” My feet sped, knowing that all eyes were on my back as I left. Once in the parking lot, I couldn’t get to my car fast enough. If he came running out after me, I didn’t see, refusing to look in my rearview mirror as I pulled onto the road.

  We’d gone from I miss you to Are you fucking him? within a matter of hours. My cell phone was lighting up the entire ride home. All calls from either Lucas or the bar. I ignored them, too emotional and angry to talk to him. Once I made it to my driveway, I texted Paul and told him I was sorry.

  A few minutes later, he responded with No, I’m sorry! Though we should have seen that coming. He wasn’t exactly giving me a warm welcome.

  He was right, but I didn’t respond. I’d hoped that Paul would hit it off with Lacey or Nicole and I would be wrapped up in Lucas’ arms all night. But I hadn’t anticipated Lucas’ level of intoxication or my friends’ somewhat disinterest in my coworker. Feeling sick to my stomach, I curled into bed and turned on the television. I didn’t really watch it, my eyes unfocused and my insides numb.

  For the next hour, my phone buzzed periodically. Lucas never left a voicemail or sent me a text, just endless calling. Just as I was about to turn my phone off, Ian’s name flashed across my screen. Worried that something might actually be wrong, I answered.

  “Are you home?” Ian asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, can you-”

  “Is that Marzy?” Lucas said in the background. “Give it to me. Let me talk to her.”

  “I’m not talking to him right now,” I said.

  Ian sighed. “Listen, you need to come over here. I can only keep him from marching to your house for so long.”

  I wasn’t sure that I wanted to see him. This was ridiculous.

  “Give me that fucking phone, Ian,” Lucas said.

  “I’m serious,” Ian said. “Just get it over with and come talk him down.”

  With a deep breath, I hung up and made my way to their house, hoping Ian was right. Maybe I could talk some sense into Lucas and make him see how crazy he was being.

  Their front door was unlocked and I walked in. The sounds of Lucas’ curses echoed from the kitchen. He was yelling at Ian—taking his anger out on him. I came into the living room and saw him standing next to the refrigerator, his back to me.

  “Lucas,” I said quietly, making him whirl around.

  “Were you with him?” he asked, charging towards me.

  “No!”

  “You left together. Has he been at your house this whole time? How long, Marzy? How long have you been screwing him?”

  “I haven’t. NOT ONCE! We’re friends. Stop it!”

  “I don’t believe you!” he yelled with
so much pain and anger that his eyes looked glassy. This had to be the alcohol talking. There was no way he would have done this sober. “Tell me the truth!” he demanded.

  “I am!” My fists were clenched, and my throat felt tight. This was bringing up bad memories. Memories of Mark accusing. Mark yelling. Mark insulting. I’d decided that I wanted more from Lucas. This wasn’t the more I was hoping for.

  “Don’t give me that,” he said. “All those late nights and weekends. You spend all your time with him. You can’t tell me that nothing has happened.”

  “NOTHING HAS HAPPENED! And you’re one to talk about late nights and weekends. Gwen. Candace. Stephanie. Have you fucked all of them? Wait, that’s stupid. You’ve already fucked two of them! The only one still up in the air is Gwen.” His breath was calming, and his body relaxed, as if he’d suddenly realized how crazy he was acting. But I was on a roll and couldn’t stop myself. “And you know what? I don’t ask because it’s none of my business. I’m not your girlfriend, Lucas. And you aren’t my boyfriend!”

  He flinched, taking a step back. Anguish passed over his features before his hands went to his face, hiding it from me. Over his shoulder, Ian was leaned against the counter, this time actively listening, and I felt ashamed that we hadn’t done this more privately. Lucas took his hands away, looking more collected. “You did ask me once,” he said quietly. I realized that I had. At the beginning of December, when he’d helped me study for my finals. “But you’re right,” he continued. “I’m not your boyfriend.”

  Without another word, he left and went to his room. I wouldn’t have known how upset he was, his face didn’t give anything away. It was the slamming of his door. It shook the house, and made me wince. I moved to the hallway and stared at it, wondering what I should do. Was it a bad idea to go to him? Would I make it worse?

  “Go,” Ian said as he walked by me to his own bedroom.

  I tried to decide what he meant. Go home? Or go to him?