With some effort, I rose from the floor and stepped around him. When I made it to my room, I went to change into my pajamas and spotted his gray t-shirt. I brought it to my face and took a long inhale even though his scent had long since vanished. As I realized what I was doing, I angrily threw it into a corner of my closet.
Chapter 28
Nicole had been right. The next day I felt sick to my stomach. Not from an alcohol hangover, but from how stupid and ridiculous I’d been. I couldn’t leave my room. I didn’t want to see Charles or Wally, or anyone else. The only contact I allowed myself was a text to Nicole.
You were right it said.
A few minutes later, she responded with We’ve all been there. It hurts. But you’ll pull through.
In the back of my mind, I knew that I would. But it was hard to see that far ahead. From the moment I’d met him, I knew that Lucas was a risk, but one I thought I could handle. I’d been wrong. All of my careful planning, keeping my walls up, pulling away, giving in, it hadn’t done anything but solidify his hold on me. He’d stolen my heart. Taken it without me even knowing. It had been so skillful that I didn’t even realize it was gone. By the time I had, it was too late.
I went to his bar Monday night. I don’t know why. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle being around him. Maybe I wanted to show him that I was stronger than I’d been acting. Or maybe I was weak and wanted to see him. To watch him sing into a microphone. To hear his beautiful voice fill a room.
Kate was serving drinks when I arrived. I hadn’t told anyone I was coming, and knew that my friends would be surprised to see me. Their table was in a far corner, and with the crowd, I was able to walk in unnoticed. Lucas wasn’t with them. I didn’t want the sight of him to catch me by surprise, so I searched for him.
He was standing in front of the door to the back rooms. Gwen was in front of him, her hands at his shoulders. His smile looked tipsy, but not drunk. She reached up on her tiptoes and said something that made his smile widen. My throat felt tight as I watched him bring his hands to her hips and let her push him through the door.
This is when I should have left. Instead, I walked towards the bar and sat down, my eyes never leaving that door. By the time Kate noticed me, they still hadn’t come back. “Need anything?” she asked, managing to sound sympathetic.
“A beer,” I answered quietly.
She gave it to me, but didn’t move away. “I’m sorry,” Kate said. “But I did warn you.”
I tried to look impassive as I made eye contact. “You did,” I said.
“If it makes you feel better,” she said, leaning close so the people around couldn’t hear, “there for a while it felt like if it was going to be anyone, it was going to be you.” Not wanting to discuss it any longer, I lifted my shoulders as if I didn’t care and took a sip from my beer.
Lucas and Gwen still hadn’t returned when she walked away. I drank my beer slowly and undisturbed. Only a few sips were left when they came out of the doors. Reactively, my eyes went down, not wanting to see them, but then I couldn’t help it and peered up. Gwen was smiling, pulling a strap up on her shoulder. Lucas looked worn out, his hair pushed in all different directions. When he saw me, his jaw tightened, and he rested his head against the door.
I was still staring at him, wondering why this had to happen, when Gwen bounced over to me. “Need another beer, Marzy?”
Hearing his nickname fall so freely from her lips made my face harden. “It’s Marlowe, Gwen,” I said. “Don’t call me that.”
“Fine. Need another beer, Marlowe?”
“I guess.”
“$3.50.”
I realized again that Kate hadn’t charged me. I knew I needed to pay for my drink, and that I should have been all along. That didn’t bother me. But seeing Lucas walk into the bar area, and glance at us, not stopping her as before, undid me. It was all too much. Gwen’s smile never left as she waited for me to give her the money.
I handed her a $5, took one long sip from the bottle, and walked out.
My work had suffered. Now that I wasn’t obliterating my liver every night, it was clear that Paul had been picking up my slack, re-doing my assignments and correcting errors. He didn’t know the extent of what had been going on, but I was sure he’d been able to guess that it involved Lucas. Wednesday he came into my office asking about one of my screw-ups from the week before. “I’m not sure what you did here,” he said and showed me the papers.
I covered my face with my hands and rubbed them across my forehead. “Me either. Let me start over. I’ll get it to you by this afternoon.”
“Sure,” he said and went to leave, but stopped. “Are things better?” he asked. “I’m not trying to be nosy. I get it if you don’t want to talk to me about it.”
I looked at him. Really looked at him. He wasn’t Lucas. To me, no one was. But he had beautiful, kind eyes and a sweet smile. Maybe it would have been better if Paul and I had done what Lucas thought we had. At least then all of this heartache would have been for a reason. As it was, the two of us had barely touched each other, but he was the catalyst to my pain. All because I never told Lucas I was going to lunch with him, and Lucas never had the nerve to ask me.
Paul was genuine. He was handsome. He was everything a girl should want in a guy. Slowly, I rose from my chair and walked to the door, shutting us in. Paul leaned into me thinking that I was about to tell him something, when instead I pushed my body against his and kissed him.
His lips felt soft, but they didn’t move. In fact, his whole body was stiff. I moved my mouth a little more, hoping for something. A spark. A fizzle. An anything.
Paul pulled away from me. “I’m sorry,” he said, not looking at me. “I just… don’t feel that with you.”
The man who just wanted someone—anyone, it didn’t matter, he just didn’t want to be alone anymore—was rejecting me. I didn’t care that I didn’t want him either. I cried. Loud and obnoxiously.
“No!” he said, patting my back. “You’re beautiful. Wonderful. Funny. And all around amazing, but we’re friends. Just friends.”
“Lucas…” I said through a sob. “He… he… he…”
“Shhh,” Paul said, wrapping me in a hug. “I’m sorry. I know how much you care for him. But be honest, you didn’t want to kiss me, did you?” I shook my head on his chest. “Whew. That’s what I thought.” His relief made me chuckle and I pulled away. “What happened?” he asked.
I told him everything, all that had transpired from the blow up at the bar to today. He was silent through it all.
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
“Nothing. Try to get over it, I guess.”
“So you aren’t giving him a second chance?”
I huffed. “Should I?”
“I don’t know.”
“What would you do?”
“Well,” he said, thinking hard about it. “Lucas made a mistake. A stupid one, but he seems to be sorry. On the other hand, I don’t think you should suddenly be okay with it. I barely know him. He might do it again. I don’t have an answer. Any time you love someone you take a risk. You trust that person to take care of you. And he didn’t take care of you, but did he know to? You always made it seem like you weren’t that serious.”
I didn’t answer him, unsure what my response should be.
Knowing that I wasn’t going to say anything more, he stood and walked towards the door. “It’ll work out. One way or another. Either you’ll realize he’s worth it, or you’ll realize that you’re better off without him. But do yourself a favor,” he said with a smile. “Open up a little bit. Take the walls down.”
I resented how easily he always seemed to see through me. “I’ll try,” I said.
A big project was due for my most important accounting course. Over the last few weeks, I’d sorely neglected it and now at the last minute was trying to put everything together. My poor planning showed. Gaps of information were missing. Slides were forma
tted improperly. It was barely D worthy. I used it as an opportunity to take my mind off everything else.
I’d been working on it all night and looking forward to just going to sleep, when I heard the unmistakable sound of Lucas’ Buick pulling into his driveway. There wasn’t anything particularly unique about the sound of his car, but I’d still be able to identify its low rumble anywhere.
It was Friday, nearly midnight. Usually he was at the bar at this hour, having just finished a show and hanging out with the guys. My room was quiet, so when Wally loudly laughed, I heard it clearly. Curiosity got the better of me and I walked to my window. All four of them were standing in Lucas’ garage. A few seconds later, Lacey’s SUV pulled into my driveway and she and Nicole walked across the street to join them.
I sighed as I leaned against my wall. It didn’t look like anyone was going to come looking for me. Maybe Lucas didn’t want me there. Maybe they’d all chosen sides, and he was the victor. Or maybe I was being ridiculous.
A red sports car pulled in front of his house. I recognized it, but couldn’t be sure from where. As Gwen’s tall body stepped out, I felt my stomach drop. I guess she was off tonight. She skipped up the driveway and jumped on Lucas’ back with a giggle. I don’t know how he reacted to it, but he didn’t push her off, and then she moved to stand in front of him.
This sucked.
So many things had changed in such a short amount of time. Charles had warned me not to get involved with him, and now I was beginning to understand his apprehension. These were all my friends. Was I supposed to pretend that everything was normal? Just walk over there with a smile on my face and act as though Gwen’s presence didn’t seriously offend me? Why was she there anyway? Now that I was out of the picture, she was wasting no time sweeping in. Well, I wasn’t going over there. But I wasn’t going to sit here all night either.
Lucas knew on some level that Gwen intimidated me and brought out my insecurities. Yet, there he was, inviting her into his garage. Well, I knew someone that really pissed him off.
Without thinking it through, I texted Fontenot, asking him to come pick me up. It was already late, so I wasn’t sure if he would be up for it, but within a minute, he’d responded that he was on his way. I didn’t bother changing out of my jeans and blank tank top, slipping on some red heels as I went to wait by the door. Fifteen minutes later, loud tail pipes signaled his arrival. He parked in front of my house, and honked two times. Douche.
As I walked out my front door, Lucas was standing in his garage, his arms stretched up to hold the top of the door, looking directly at us. It was so much like the first time I’d ever seen him that my steps nearly faltered, but I kept eye contact with him until I made it to Fontenot’s car. At the door, I hesitated. His eyes never wavered from mine. Maybe they were saying, Don’t do it. I shifted my gaze to Gwen and then back to him so he would know the reason for this late night excursion.
His head turned to look at her but he brought it back to me. He took a step towards me and I quickly opened Fontenot’s door and slipped in. “Let’s go,” I said.
“Yes, ma’am,” he smiled and revved his car as he peeled off.
Once out of the neighborhood, he grinned over at me. “Getting back at someone?” he asked.
“Yes.” There was no point in denying it. I was using him to make Lucas mad.
“As long as I get rewarded for it, that’s cool.”
I pulled a face. “Just take me to a bar.”
We went to a run-down pool hall. From the state of the outside, you could tell it would have sticky floors and absolutely no toilet paper in the bathrooms. The lighting was bad, and the music was depressing. I paid for my own drink and sat at table in the back corner with Fontenot.
“Besides getting back at someone,” I said to him, “I also want to know why you told Lucas that I was hanging out with you the other night.”
“Well, for a bit, you were.”
I rolled my eyes. “For like three minutes you sat at my table.”
He chuckled as he took a drink of his beer. “I don’t know,” he said. “To be an asshole. I knew it would get a rise out of him. The fucker can’t stand the sight of me, and I thought it was funny. Why? Did that end badly for you?”
He knew it had. “What do you think?”
His light laugh shook his shoulders. “I didn’t think that he’d actually believe me.” Lucas shouldn’t have, and that was part of the problem. “You know,” he started then shook his head to stop himself. “Never mind.”
I sighed. “What is it?”
He studied me. “The guy had it bad for you. From the moment I saw you two together, I knew it. I’m sure you know his history. He had a different girl every weekend, but didn’t give two shits if I talked to them, but you… With you, it bothered him. Maybe I was trying to get back at him.”
“For what?”
He looked down to the table and started scraping his fingernail against the already weathered wood. Whatever he was about to tell me was something that he didn’t usually share. “You know about me and Mia.”
“Yeah.”
“I did her wrong. I know I did. But it was between the two of us.” He took a deep drink of beer and sat back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t tell anyone this, but I think I loved her.” Okay. Whoa. “Once I realized how badly I messed up, that fuck wouldn’t let me anywhere near her. I just wanted to talk to her, apologize, anything, but he would puff up his chest and guard her like I was trying to attack her or something. A few times, we got a little physical, but in the end, I knew he would never let me speak to her again. So I gave up. Sometimes I still get a little pissed about it,” he ended on a shrug, as if it wasn’t a big deal. But it was clear that it still affected him.
I wanted to ask what he’d done to her, but didn’t. It felt personal and maybe something that Mia wouldn’t want me knowing. “What’s done is done,” I said. “You did it, he believed you, and here we are.”
“Here we are,” he winked. No, on so many levels. With an exasperated smile, I shook my head and picked up my drink.
Over the next hour and a half, I nursed a few more beers in the corner while Fontenot played pool with some people he clearly knew. We left just before two and went straight to my house. All the lights were out at Lucas’ place, and Lacey and Gwen’s cars were gone. Good. At least I didn’t have to go to bed knowing she was still there. As I was getting out of the car, Fontenot asked if he could use my bathroom. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew he was just trying to get into my house. “Just the bathroom,” I said.
“Just the bathroom,” he smiled.
My house was quiet, too. Everyone must have been up in their rooms. “There’s a bathroom under the staircase in the living room,” I said. No one else used the reject toilet, but he could. I didn’t want him roaming around upstairs.
“And where’s your bedroom,” he said seductively, prowling towards me.
I gave an over-exaggerated but slightly amused groan as I looked to the ceiling. The guy was persistent. “Just the bathroom, remember?”
“Oh, come on,” he touched my arm. “We bonded tonight.”
It was hard to tell if he was being serious. Maybe he was half-joking. Throwing the idea out there, trying to see if I was down for it, but prepared to play it off if I rejected him. “Bathroom, Fontenot.”
“You’re killing me,” he laughed.
“She said she wasn’t interested,” Lucas said from the entry to the kitchen. I tensed when I heard his voice and brought my eyes to his. His jaw was tight and his eyes were hard. For some reason, I wanted to reassure him that nothing was going to happen between Fontenot and me and took a step towards him.
“I’m talking to Lo, asshole,” Fontenot said. “This has nothing to do with you. Go the fuck away.”
Not wanting this to turn into an altercation that had nothing to do with me but bad blood from years ago, I turned to Fontenot. “Maybe you should leave.”
“Of
fucking course, because Lucas Burns always gets what he fucking wants,” Fontenot spat. I was beginning to feel bad for him, but then he had to continue. “You want a dick that will make you scream, you know where to find me, Lo.” He moved into my personal space and whispered, “I know you gotta be aching for it after this piece of shit.”
I grimaced and pulled my face away from him. Lucas reached a hand out to me, beckoning me with his fingers. Wanting to be away from Fontenot, I went and noticed that Charles, Ian, and Wally were also in the kitchen. Great.
The door slamming told me that Fontenot had left. After a few seconds, I realized that Lucas was looking down at me, but then he stormed out, too. Fantastic. This little excursion didn’t exactly go as planned. I was trying to make him mad, and succeeded, but felt guilty, not satisfied.
Wanting a drink of water, I stepped into the kitchen and had three pairs of eyes looking at me. Wally and Ian looked mostly uninterested, but Charles was furious. He let me make my ice water and take a few drinks before he bellowed, “What the fuck, Marlowe?”
“What?” I screamed back, yelling only because he was.
“What are you doing with yourself? You are so much fucking better than this.”
“Better than what, Charles? Than what? Because I haven’t done shit!”
“You haven’t done shit?” He was leaned against the island, his arms tense and his face hard. “I can’t sit by and watch this anymore. You’ve been getting shit-faced every night and acting like a goddamn whore.”
Tears immediately came to my eyes. “What did you call me?” I asked quietly, not believing that I’d heard him correctly.
“You’re acting like a whore!” The room fell silent as the words bounced around the space between us.
“Call her a whore one more time, Charles,” Lucas said, suddenly behind me again.
“Oh what-the-fuck-ever, Lucas. I knew it. I fucking knew this shit was going to happen. But you two couldn’t keep it in your pants. And now look at her. Well, if no one else has the guts to tell her that she’s being slutty, I will.”
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