by S Lawrence
“Yes, they were created for that reason. We now know that the first few humans formed the Order of Sceach, the man who held you, was a member.”
I leap to my feet, my anger whipping into a frenzy. “Why didn’t your noble dragon save me, protect me? Is it because I am not a Halfling?” I am screaming by the time I finish.
“No!” Morrigan admonishes. “He was watching you for Faolan, but he thought that with the Druids and Jason, you would be safe.”
“WELL, HE WAS WRONG!” I’m shaking from my anger.
Shaking her head Morrigan rises, coming towards me grabbing my hand, I can feel the sorrow radiating from her. "My Guardians, have but one mate; their cinniúint, their destiny. A very rare woman; whose soul is meant for both man and dragon. You are Kai’s. So you see, he also lost a great deal on that ship.”
Tears have filled my eyes, yet again, my hand covers my mouth, rubbing my lips as I try to stop my heart from shattering. Denial is screaming through my head because I feel like I’ll never be able to be with a man. No man would ever want me knowing my shame.
My rejection must have shown on my face, Morrigan reaches for me, pulling me into her embrace. “Before you write him and yourself off completely, just try to open your heart to him. He has suffered much in his life, things that are not my place to tell you. I can think of no better man to place you trust, than with Kai." I cling to her, once again plagued with what ifs, frustrated with how my life is riddled with them. Saddened, that this man is tied to my broken soul, I can't promise her what she wants, so I remain silent.
"I have done all that I can for your body; the rest will heal with time. Now, I am going to give you a gift. My dragons can speak to each other using their minds. Since my dear Faolan is trapped in his dragon form, I am going to open your mind to them. When I return you to them, I ask that you take the time to learn about your father, heal you heart surrounded by his love. Be open to what Kai has to offer you..."
Then she is whispering an ancient language through my mind, quiet voices murmuring to each other. I smile at her in wonderment. The first feeling of happiness since I woke up in my personal hell. "Your father and Kai can teach you how to use it and how to shut it off."
She is smiling as once again; my stomach drops out. I'm standing in front of the opal colored dragon. Looking down I realize Morrigan has dressed me in my favorite leggings and momma's Tulane sweatshirt, closing my eyes I whisper, "Thank you...for everything." I know she heard me, when a crow flies overhead, cawing down to us.
The dragon’s head raises looking skyward chuffing back to his Goddess. I look at his eyes and before I can stop myself, I think ‘Daddy?’
His eyes widen as he looks back at the crow, questioning. When he turns back to me, a single tear runs down his face. ‘Daughter,’ he replies.
Chapter 33
There are moments in our life that shape and define us. I have had a few. The instant my mom slipped away, I was forever changed. I've had many people ask if I would change it. There they are again, those what ifs, rearing their ugly heads. Of course, that little girl, that was me, would give anything to keep her mother with her. But this me, wonders at what cost. I've often built that reality in my head; it doesn't include me being here. Now I wonder what if she had gotten better, would we've traveled here, searching for her love? If we'd done that, would we've ended up at this same moment? What if Dorran had taken her to that awful room? Never! So no, I wouldn't change it, I miss her every day, but that moment, lead me to this one.
Standing before my father, damaged and broken. Full of anger. I see this massive, powerful being; I can't help think, why he didn’t save me. Why didn't he come for me?
What if he'd never let her go? The life they could have had, the life we could have had. A single image floats through my head, a family standing near the stone circle, the wind blowing their hair. Mom and Faolan are holding hands laughing at a little dark haired girl.
My heart clenches as I press my hand to it. It was that little girl in me that whispered daddy, but I'm no small child anymore, and this shattered woman is angry. I want answers, and I intend to get them. I think of momma lying in her bed, so sick she can't get up, the medication causing her to be confused. I wrap that anger around my fragile heart. I won't survive another brutal blow to my spirit. Drawing in a deep breath, I straighten my spine. Sending a silent thank you to my grandmother, I settle her patented look of disdain upon my face. "I'm sorry, I meant Faolan. Morrigan suggested I speak to you." I harden my resolve when I see hurt enter his dragon eyes.
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I look at this beautiful woman, so like her mother but different in many ways. Jean was strong, but in a gentle way, this Aislin is a force of nature. I see my love in her bone structure and alabaster skin, but it is my own angry eyes that are glaring out at me. Eyes hardened by the same experiences.
Self-hatred threatens to engulf me. So many mistakes. I should've never let Jean go. If I had kept her with me things would be so different for us all. Jean might still be alive with Danu and Morrigan's magic. Closing my eyes for a moment, I allow myself to imagine myself soaring through the air with a little black haired girl holding on tight. While she is squealing in delight, my beautiful red haired Jean shading her eyes and laughing, as she watches from below.
I can't stop the roar that breaks free, both the dragon and I grieve for that which was stolen from us so many years ago. My girl has jumped back at my outburst, guilt races through me; I never want to be the source of her pain again. Lowering my snout to the ground I hum with a growly purr, hoping to draw her near, ‘Sorry, daughter, my anger got the best of me for a moment.’
Aislin's eyebrows jump up, "ANGER? At me? What right do you have? If anyone should be angry, it's me!”
‘No, A Stor.’ She starts at the endearment; I see recognition in her eyes. I can tell she has heard it before. ‘Not at you, at all that has been stolen from us. At myself, for so many things, but especially for letting my Jean leave, for not keep her here or at least going with her. I failed you both.’
Looking at her, I can see she hears the anguish in my words, thank goodness because a dragon's face is hard to decipher. I hope to soften her heart.
When she begins to speak, I realize she is more like me than I would have hoped. "Just so you know, I am known for my ability to hold a grudge. Just ask Margaret Boudreaux, who spent the entire sixth grade tormenting my best friend Emma, she still gets the stink eye whenever I see her around town. Fifteen years and still going strong. No way am I giving in after the first nice thing you say. I see you are confused, I don't know what you're expecting," I wave my hand around my face pointing to it, "I want to hear a good reason you left my momma waiting for you. Listen, let's get something straight right now. While I might have dreamed of having a daddy when I was little, I watched my momma die while she waited for you. So you better have an epic reason for not coming to get us. And why haven't you changed to a man? Why are you stuck in this form? Ugh, I hate that I sound like a sullen brat, but dammit, you should've saved her." She has her hands balled on her hips, panting from her tirade.
‘Would you walk with me, Aislin? So I can tell you the story of how I met your mother.’ I turn and begin to move away from her towards a crop of trees in the distance, giving her a moment to decide. I don’t check to see if she follows. She is huffing as she hustles to catch up with me.
********
Let's just make it clear a dragon's strides are massive, so this bitch was power walking. He had settled under a huge tree, a tree that looked eerily like those in the south, including the moss. I stood under the massive branches marveling at the Spanish moss, well what looked like Spanish moss except is was very green, not grayish like at home. Pointing to the canopy, I raised an eyebrow in question. ‘Danu. She made them for me when I finally came back here. For my comfort. She knew they reminded me of your mother.’
My eyes jumped to Faolan's; I see sadness there, I wonder if it was reflected back fro
m mine also. I realize at that moment I have finally found someone that not only loved her as much as I did but who also misses her as much. Resting on the lush grass, a tiny crack begins to form on the wall around my heart.
‘Should I start at the beginning? What did she tell you of me?’ I bite my lip looking down. ‘Jean did tell you about me, didn’t she?’
Sighing, my gaze locks on his, "Faolan, I first heard of you three months ago, when my Aunt Joy gave me my mother’s journal. She had Joy promise to keep it until she felt I was ready."
He draws back, and I can tell this has hurt his feelings. Oh, Momma what were you thinking? He is so still, he could've been a sculpture. Suddenly, I feel sorry for this man. I can't help but think of how we are quite the pair of damaged goods.
‘I'm sure Jean had a reason, she was smart, and so it was probably a crucial one. I will start from the beginning.'
Chapter 34
I knew instantly that she was special. Stepping completely out into the circle I am drawn towards her, drinking in her beauty. Standing in front of her, I find myself lost in emerald eyes that sparkled brighter than the moonlight. Her hair reminded me of a brilliant sunset. I wondered if it would be warm to the touch. I fought the urge to kiss her full lips. Then she smiled, and I was mesmerized.
I think I fell for her at that moment. I reached to touch her, but I paused unsure of her reaction, but I saw the flare of her pupils, her eyes widening and I ran my fingers down her arm. My fingertips felt hot, and my heart raced in reaction to her. I felt so drawn to her, and she hadn't even spoken yet. My fingers intertwined with hers and she gifted me with a shy smile. She said "Hi" in the breathy whisper. Smiling back, I introduced myself. I might have thrown my Scots accent on a little thick.
We ended up talking through the night, she wrapped me in her warm southern accent, telling me tales of her journey and her best friend Joy. Mostly, I listened, watching her animated face. Soon, the sky began to lighten, and I knew she should get back to her friend, lest we cause her worry. I drew a promise from her to meet me that night, promising to tell her about the festival's history.
I thought of her the whole day. I spread a blanket on the west side of the stones so I can see the sun's fading light glisten off her hair again. I set candles around and light them so that they will glow after the night wraps around us in its embrace. My plan was to tell her the story of our creation. To see if she would be willing to believe in a little magic. I knew who she was to me last night, although it took the day for me to admit it to myself. She was my cinniúint, the one destined for both of my souls. I remember well how pleased my dragon was. MY body hummed with energy as I waited to see her top the small hill. I stood within the stones waiting for her, and when I finally saw her face, it was as if everything within me settled. Stepping from the stones, I reached for her hand, and when our skin touch it was the same little shock I had felt the day before, and I was very pleased to see she felt the same. You might not want to hear this daughter, but I couldn't imagine not being able to touch her.
We, the Guardians, love as fiercely as our dragons fight. I felt as if she belonged within my arms. But, I didn't just want her for the night I wanted forever. It took all of my willpower not to pull her into my arms and ravish her right then. Forcing myself to move I led her to the blanket and felt my heart swell with pride at the amazed looked she sent my way. I sat and pulled her down into the space between my legs wrapping my arms around her. I didn't relax until she slowly eased back resting against my chest. I couldn't stop myself from burying my nose in her hair, drawing in her scent, placing tiny kisses on her head. We sat watching the sunset in silence ad I nuzzled her ears, I was pleasantly surprised to see the fairy points at the tops of them. I didn't, of course, tell her that those ‘fae' were who I had guarded for hundreds of years. When the night descended on us, and she saw the flickering candlelight she glanced up at me, tipping her head back with an affection that I hoped would soon turn to more. Drawing a deep breath in I began my tale, I told her in as much detail as I could. Hoping to draw her in and make her care for the characters in it. Painting a picture of the warriors that gave up their lives and families to serve. Leaving it all behind. It is a life of brotherhood but also solitude. I know of only a few that have found their destined mate. A woman so rare she shines brighter than the brightest jewel. I wanted her to love the dragons. Understand that they left their homes also, gave up so much, they rarely are needed especially in modern times, but still they come when called. I spent the night pouring all of my hopes into a story meant to win her heart and soul, and as the sun rose, I told her it was destiny that caused our meeting. My own heart soared when she turned in my arms and pressed her lips to mine. I returned it with a gentleness I didn't feel, it took all of my willpower to just brush my lips across hers, tightening my arms slightly when I felt her melt into me, her lips parting slightly. I was panting when I pulled away slightly nipping at her full lower lip. I poured my soul into that kiss willing her to love me. I practically begged her to meet me again that night for the solstice; I planned to ask Danu for the gift of our binding knowing she listens that night. I told her we could cross the portal tonight, I am not sure she believes me, but she did look like she might one day. The light is fading when I arrive through the portal, and my love is standing in the circle with her eyes closed she is whispering, and as I quietly move closer, I am happily surprised to hear her prayer calling to Danu and Morrigan to be able to keep me, her love. I feel as if my soul has taken flight. I am not surprised to see the portal open slightly, and mist from the Isle fill the stones, Danu's gift for the solstice. I know my dragon is close and I hope my eyes don't frighten her. I won't tell you all the details, but I guess you can imagine. You have conceived that night in the stones a blessing bestowed by the Goddess. In the safety of the stones, I spoke to about being a guardian. She demanded I show her my dragon if I was and so I did after I moved her through the portal. That one night your mother saw another world, my dragon and my love for her. Laughing and spinning around just like she had the first time I had saw her she just kept saying magic, just like Da said. We made our plans that night. She would travel home as planned and I would follow a couple of weeks later. We had gotten word the Order had been trying to recruit people and saw I was to investigate. I did not think it would take long; it had been a hundred years since the Order had bothered us, naively I hadn't taken the threat seriously. It was that one mistake that hurt us both in so many ways. One that I regret more now that I have learned from you and how you have suffered.
*********
Looking at this beast, I want to hold onto my anger, to let it simmer and fester until it boils over. It is a child’s anger, unreasonable and consuming. After listening to him talk about her and his feelings, I can't doubt his love for her. I could hear his pain, it reverberates in the air around him, wrapping him in a cloak of sadness. I have worn that mantle for years, often pulling it tight around me. Using it to keep people out, to protect my heart, and suddenly I realize I've found the one person who might understand my loss.
I have questions that only he can answer. A huge portion of my anger is about him not being there for me. How can I hold that against him? He couldn't have abandoned me if he never had me to begin with. I have to cut him some slack considering the whole dragon situation, too, I suppose. I said I hold grudges didn't I? I guess I should just jump, take that leap, tear that wall down, and let him in. First I plan to conduct an interrogation worthy of Criminal Minds.
"So, you're saying my mom just believed. No freak out."
The dragon rumbled, but when he spoke, I heard amusement, oh okay dragon laugh. ‘I wouldn't say no freak out, but she did take it amazingly well. She wanted her Da to see it, saying that he would be thrilled. Do you think he would, your Grandfather?'
Smiling a huge grin, I snort, “Oh yeah, Grandda would love this, every bedtime story he ever told me was about the magic from the old country. But, then momma told me stories to
o, you know she was taking mythology classes before she got sick.”
‘Did she suffer? Was my love’s pain great?’ his voice broke, and tears filled my eyes.
Closing my eyes for a minute, I tried to brace myself for the onslaught of memories, images of her sick and crying racing through my mind. Cancer is an ugly thing. "I wish," clearing my throat I try again "I wish I could say she didn't but the disease ate her up, in the end, she was just so tired, and I was just so relieved she wasn't suffering anymore. The bright shining woman you knew was gone."
Wiping tears off my face I sniffed, I could feel the tsunami building, my throat felt tight. Sometimes, I could talk about it without getting upset but other times it sends me right back to the moment, and I come a bit unglued. Jerky breaths are all I can manage, and I feel the dam breaks as he says ‘Let me hold you, A ghra' mo chroi.'
I throw myself into his arms, wishing they were his human arms but thankful to have this man. And as I lay here listening to the beat of his massive heart, the years of anger and hurt wash away with my tears. Feel my heart break free.
I sit held in his arms for hours; he lets me cry years of emotions away. He whispers words of love and understanding while I purge my guilt of being so angry at her. At some point, I cry myself to sleep, and still, he holds me, I wake when I hear a whispered conversation in my head, he talks to her, begging forgiveness, promising never to let me alone again. I promise her the same thing; I won't let him suffer alone another day. I quietly sigh "Daddy" and mean it. Something settles deep within my soul. His massive head nuzzles my back curving around me to pull me in closer.