by Ella Miles
I search his eyes and find him near breaking. He needs this. And when I search my heart, I realize I do too. I may have forgiven him, but it still hurts. I need to let the pain go. And this might be how.
“Okay.”
He lifts me and sets me down on my feet. Then he gathers his computer and empty wine glass and walks inside. I follow after, both terrified and exhilarated with what is about to happen.
He sets the computer and glass down on the counter where Michi is still cleaning.
Caspian looks at Michi, and he knows. Michi really needs his own place if Caspian is going to keep kicking him out. Michi heads out without a word.
Then, Caspian walks to the bedroom. My feet can barely move, but I make it somehow. Must be muscle memory that moves me.
I stand in the doorway and watch as Caspian gathers items. Whips, chains, floggers, knives, anything destructive he can find. He lays them all out on the bed. And then he starts undressing. Removing his shirt slowly, then his pants, until he’s standing in nothing but his underwear. He considers his next move for a second and then he removes his boxers too. It’s not sexual. He’s baring his all to me.
And I’ve never seen a stronger man.
“Please,” he whispers, and I know what he’s asking. Please make the pain go away, for both of us.
Then he lies down on the bed and waits.
I take a couple of deep breaths, letting go of the compassion I have for Caspian and let the hate I’ve pushed away back in.
He could have saved me but didn’t.
I repeat those words over and over until I’m lost in them. Then I stomp toward the chains, knowing I have to tie him up. No matter how much he says he wants this, as soon as the first crack of pain hits him, he will try to stop me. For this to work, he has to be completely vulnerable.
So I pick up the metal cuffs and loop one around the post and then attach the cuff to his wrist. He looks at me with sad eyes but doesn’t say anything. He just watches. I feel the fear oozing off of him, but know it has nothing to do with the pain he’s about to feel. It has everything to do with us. Where will we be when this is over?
I walk to his other arm and attach it to the bed, doing the same to his legs.
“Try to break free,” I command.
He pulls hard with his arms and legs, but he can’t move.
I nod and then close my eyes. Filling everything in me with the memories of Dante. Him striking me, beating me, raping me. His cock driving into me is what does it the most. So I focus on the image. Of what it felt like to have a cock push into me when I’m dry and unwilling. The burn, the violation, the pain. I let it consume me, and then I open my eyes.
I don’t see Caspian lying on the bed; I see Dante.
I grab the first item I can find. A bat. I bring it high over my head and then I beat down on the broken body in front of me.
“I fucking hate you!” I scream as I hit the body hard in the stomach. I can’t see anything but rage.
I lift the bat and strike again and again. I’m rewarded with a loud groan each time, but it’s not enough. I want the screams I let out every time Dante hurt me.
I strike his chest one more time with the bat before I move onto the whip.
I don’t know if it will hurt more or less, but I plan on using every instrument I can until I hear the screams.
I’m not as skilled with the whip, so my first attempt misses, hitting the bed. But my second strike hits my target’s legs. His legs jump at the sting, leaving bright red welts.
It’s not enough.
I’ve formed the bruises on him with the bat. I’ve formed the redness with the whip. I need the scars. I need the cries.
The cock inside me was one of the worst. The absolute worst. I don’t want to fuck this man. He doesn’t deserve a second of my pleasure. But the next worst thing was the sharpness of the blade. Knowing he could take my life if he wanted with a slip of the knife.
I grab the sharp blade, and then I climb onto Dante’s body. I straddle his hard chest as I hold the knife to his neck as he has to me so many times before.
“Do it. I deserve it,” he says.
I freeze the knife over his artery. He does deserve it. He deserves to die.
I shove the knife hard against his neck until I see blood. But I still don’t hear screams. I need his screams! I need to know I hurt him as badly as he hurt me.
I remove the knife from his neck and aim for his heart, stabbing his chest.
He screams. It’s high pitched and terrifying, and it feeds my soul. I want more.
I stab him again. He’s going to get a slow torturous death.
“I’m so sorry, Gia. I’m so sorry. I deserve this.”
His voice makes me stop. That isn’t the voice of Dante.
I stop the knife and close my eyes, trying to push the hate back down. When I open again, I see Caspian on the bed. Bleeding to death.
“No! Oh my god! What did I do?”
I jump off of him, dropping the knife and race to get the first aid kit.
When I climb back on the bed, his breathing has slowed, and his eyes have grown heavy.
“Shh, you did nothing wrong. You did what had to be done. And if I die, it’s what needs to happen,” Caspian says.
I pull out gauze, covering the wound to attempt to stop the bleeding.
“Don’t talk like that. You aren’t going to die.”
But I’m not sure. There is a lot of blood. I don’t think I hit his heart, but I hit something major.
“Michi!” I yell, hoping he’s in the house or nearby. I get no answer.
I glance at the handcuffs I used to restrain him. I need the key to release him. He’s going to die restrained to his bed if I don’t help him.
Fuck.
But if I worry about releasing him, he will definitely die.
I dig through the first aid kit while I keep applying pressure with my other hand. I find the stapler and drugs I requested Michi stock after the last time Caspian was injured. I don’t have time for morphine though.
“It’s going to be okay,” I say calmly. I take out the stapler.
“Look away,” I tell him. He turns his head and bites his lip knowing more pain is coming. I staple the wound over and over. Each time the pain ripping into his heart. Each time I pray he doesn’t die because of me. What was I thinking? I have no control over my demons.
“One more,” I say as the last staple goes in.
I press the gauze back, and the bleeding has reduced greatly.
I exhale deeply. He’s going to be okay. He needs a hospital, but he’s going to survive.
“I’m so sorry,” I say.
I look at him, but he doesn’t respond.
“Caspian?”
Nothing.
I lower my head over his chest. He isn’t breathing.
Shit.
I blow into his mouth and start doing compressions.
“Please, Caspian!”
I keep compressing over his heart, praying his staples don’t pop open and the bleeding doesn’t start all over again.
“Don’t you dare die, Caspian!”
More compressions, but he’s not breathing.
“You are going to be an uncle. You hear me! You can’t die!”
More compressions.
“I need your help to kill Dante. Clara can’t be avenged without your help.”
Two breaths.
“I love you. Please don’t leave me.”
More compressions.
Then, coughing.
“Caspian!” He’s alive.
I ease off him, letting him get some good breaths in.
“Thank god, you’re alive,” I cry. Tears are streaming down my face. “I’ve never been so scared in my life.”
“Liar,” Caspian teases.
More tears. “I can’t believe you let me do that. What were you thinking? I could have killed you! You should have stopped me.”
“I couldn’t exactly stop you with
the cuffs. And I would have deserved it.”
“No! You don’t deserve to die.”
He tries to comfort me but can’t because he’s still tied up, but I can’t leave him for a second right now to grab the key from the bathroom.
So I lay my head on the uninjured side of his chest. I need to get Michi to help me get him to a hospital soon, but right now I can’t move him.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper as tears stream from my eyes to his chest.
“You have nothing to be sorry for; you saved me.”
“No, I didn’t. I almost killed you.”
“No, you killed Dante. You killed the pain in me for what I let happen to you. You let go of your own trauma. And now, we can survive so much stronger. We helped each other heal.”
I nod, not believing he is comforting me right now after I just killed him.
“I almost let you die; you almost killed me. I saved you; you saved me. I think we are even now. We can move forward and decide our future without anything holding us back.”
I know his words are true. And I wish he was right. That we are even now. But we aren’t even close to even. He might have been selfish, but everything he did was for Clara Conti, a woman who deserved his love. I may love Caspian Conti, but I don’t deserve to be loved in return. I don’t know if he heard any of my words when he was out. I hope he didn’t because I don’t want him to love me in return.
He may have hurt me, but I’m the real monster.
17
Caspian
Gia almost killed me. Sometimes I wish she had. Then the pain would finally be gone.
She has taken care of me these last few weeks. Life has been normal. My wounds have healed, and we don’t talk about that night at all. We don’t talk about Dante or the pain we caused each other.
All we do is heal, together. It’s taken time, but we are finally healed. At least as healed as we can be.
But we can’t continue like this.
“We need to talk,” I say to Gia. She’s sitting next to me on her patio chair reading. The last time we talked out here, it ended in her stabbing me. This time, I hope it ends better. But I’m still dreading the conversation I’m about to have because it’s the beginning of the end.
She looks up from her book, her eyes big. “Maybe we should go somewhere else to talk first. The last time we talked out here, it didn’t end well.”
She kisses me softly on the cheek. “What’s up?” she says more calmly.
“I have a plan to kill Dante.”
She folds her book and puts it on the end table before turning her feet to the side to give me her full attention.
“When?”
“Next week.”
She nods then smiles. “Good, I can’t wait to have him out of our lives for good.”
“I need your help though.”
Her smile brightens. “Anything.”
“I want to fake your death. That will make him suffer the most. You may not realize he loves you, but he does.”
“He does not love me.”
“Not in the typical sense. He loves owning you. He loves hurting you. He would hate if anyone else were the one to break you.”
She thinks for a moment. “Okay, I’ll do it.”
I suck in a breath I’ve been holding. I want to fake her death not only to make him suffer but also because it will keep her safe if my plan fails. He can’t come searching for her if she’s dead.
“And next week after I kill him, you can finally be free.”
Her body freezes at the word free.
I give her time to recover, not pushing her to understand what she’s feeling in her head.
“What do you mean by free?”
“I mean you can leave. Go home to your family. Start your new life away from here.”
She nods slowly, like she can’t believe the words she’s hearing. She stares at the ground for the longest time, before staring back up at me.
“I love you, Caspian.”
Fuck.
My worst nightmare happened. She can’t love me. I will break her when she finds out I’m incapable of love. Clara took my heart with her when she died. I haven’t loved since. I can’t.
“When I kill Dante next week, I will have Michi pack your things and make sure you are on a plane to see your brothers in the US.”
I stand up, needing to be done with this conversation. If I stay and talk, it will only make this worse.
“Seriously? That’s all I get. I tell you I love you and you leave? This can’t be happening!”
“I told you I would hurt you. I don’t love you. In one week, you should go.”
Her face drops like I just told her her puppy died or something else horrendous. All I did was tell her I didn’t love her.
“No. I’m not leaving. You love me too you big jerk, even if you won’t say it now. You wouldn’t have saved me if you didn’t care about me. You wouldn’t have let me hurt you if you didn’t love me. You wouldn’t do everything to protect me if you didn’t love me. You love me!”
I stand firm. “I’m incapable of love, Gia. Even you. I’m sorry. I know I said you would never be free, but I meant that figuratively, not literally. You will never be free of your past.”
“You love me.”
I grab her body and jerk her to me. “No, I don’t. I never can. I’m sorry for being nice to you. For saving you. I knew I would hurt you. I was afraid you would fall in love with me, but I couldn’t stop it and keep you. I’m selfish, but then you already know that. I used you to get what I wanted from Dante. That’s it.”
The last part stings the worst. I can see the devastation in her eyes. The drop in her body. The loss in her face. I hurt her worse than Dante ever did, and it kills me. But this is for the best. This must end. If she stays in my life, she will end up dead. And she deserves a man who can love her like she needs to be loved. Not constantly saved by a selfish asshole like me.
Gia looks at me for one more moment with tears in her eyes. But she doesn’t let them fall. I’ve watched her many nights in Dante’s room where she was able to hold back her tears, despite the pain she was in. She’s had plenty of practice holding her tears in.
I want her to stay, to fight because I don’t want to lose her, but I need to let her go.
She makes the right decision. She walks out the door. Most likely to sulk in the bedroom or in Michi’s room.
I give her a minute before I head inside and grab a bottle of whiskey and then head back outside. I’ll drink myself into oblivion and pass out on the couch. I’ll be doing a lot of that in the near future.
I may not love her, but it won’t stop me from missing her. I’m not good at missing people. I’m destructive and cruel. But after Dante’s dead, it won’t matter because I’ll have nothing left to live for.
Gia’s gone.
The words float around in my head but don’t really land. She’s not gone. She can’t be.
But she will be soon, and when she is, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not sure I will survive without her in my life. I’ve grown used to her light-heartedness. Her beauty. Her smart mouth.
I will miss her too much.
“Caspian!” my body falls off the chair and lands with a thud. Damn it, that’s going to leave a bruise in the morning.
I open my eyes and see Adela standing over me, but there appears to be four of her.
“What?” I snap, annoyed she brought me out of my sleep. When I’m asleep, I don’t have to remember Gia is leaving me in less than a week.
“Gia’s gone,” Adela says.
“No, she’s not. She’s in my bedroom.”
“Caspian, she’s gone.”
I shake my head as I sit up carefully, trying to not puke.
“She ran out. She looked upset. Did you fight?”
I nod. It was close enough to a fight.
Adela’s body shakes, and she finally has my attention. “Where is she? Who followed her?”
“I
’m so sorry, Caspian. I was on duty. But I’ve had an upset stomach all day, and I stepped away from the feed for a few minutes. You were with her; I thought she was safe.”
“Adela, what happened?” My heart freezes as I already know what happened.
“Da—” She doesn’t get the word out. I know. Dante took her.
I jump up and race inside, grabbing my gun and running to my car with Adela on my heels. I don’t know how Dante found out she was here, but he did. And I will do anything to get her back.
“Caspian stop! You’re drunk! Let me drive,” Adela yells.
“Get in the car. I’ve never been more sober in my life.”
Adela frowns but jumps in the passenger seat. She starts calling in any member of the team she can get ahold of to help us as I drive to Dante’s place.
Gia ran out because of me, and now she’s his. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose another woman I love.
Love.
Shit, I love her. I didn’t think it was possible, but now that she’s gone, I’m lost forever.
18
Gia
My arms are tied behind my back as the light tickles into my eyes again. I don’t have to open my eyes fully to know where I am. I can smell the rotten flesh, taste the blood, and feel the cold floor beneath me.
Dante stole me, again.
And now I’m back in the same room of his house; I swore I would never return. But this time, I will escape after I kill Dante.
The door opens, and I feel Dante’s presence before I see him. He smells of sweat and blood and fear.
I stare at him as he walks in without a word, and I’ve never seen his face redder. His nostrils flare wide, and his teeth grind together, striding toward me.
I won’t cower in the corner though, no matter how much my head hurts.
I stand slowly, even though my hands are tied behind my back, I’m ready for a fight. He will not touch me again.
Dante chuckles, watching me. “You think you are going to be able to stop me?”