by J. J. Murray
Ah, the protective instinct is kicking in. “Really, what were you thinking, Jacobo? I think I know. On the day you got married, you looked into Sandy’s eyes and thought, you know, I think I’ll bang her younger sister one day.”
Jacobo leaned forward. “I did no such thing!”
“And Sandy, the second after the kiss, you were already lusting for Rolando, weren’t you?” Matthew asked.
“Rolando wasn’t even at the wedding!” Sandy snapped.
“Hey now, you got no right to say these things about us,” Jacobo said. “You hardly know us.”
“You cheated on her, right?” Matthew asked.
Jacobo only blinked.
“Right?” Matthew said.
Jacobo nodded.
“She can’t trust you,” Matthew said. He turned to Sandy. “Sandy, you cheated back. He can’t trust you. This is no glitch, Jacobo. This is serious because it involves trust. There is no way that either of you can get that trust back, so why even try? This conversation we’re having is a waste of time. If I could, I’d dissolve your marriage this second.” He opened his briefcase and looked through some papers. “I’ll try to find the quickest way to get you two away from each other. Now, are you going to split the cost of the annulment?”
“The what?” Jacobo said.
“The annulment,” Matthew repeated.
“It’s not on this sheet,” Sandy said, tapping on the fee schedule with her nails.
“You weren’t listening to me,” Matthew said. “I said you two should never have been married. Therefore, you should get an annulment instead of a divorce.”
“How is that different?” Sandy asked.
“An annulment makes it seem as if the marriage never took place,” Matthew said. “It erases everything between you. Each of you goes away with nothing but what you had before the wedding. Your marriage will cease to exist permanently. My annulment fee is two thousand dollars.”
“But it’s not on the sheet!” Sandy shouted.
“It doesn’t happen that often that two people, such as yourselves, are so ill-suited for marriage,” Matthew said. “There’s nothing left to save, so let’s make it go away forever. Two thousand dollars, please.”
Jacobo shot a look at Sandy. “But we have two kids. Jacobo Junior and Silvia. Who gets them?”
I will pray for them every night for the rest of my life. “You’ll have to put them up for adoption or turn them over to child protective services,” Matthew said quickly.
Angela coughed and turned away.
I knew that would get to her. I almost made myself laugh.
“What?” Jacobo shouted.
“Jacobo, if the marriage no longer exists, the children can no longer exist either,” Matthew said. “If you want a full annulment, they have to vanish, too.”
“Are you crazy?” Sandy shouted.
“No crazier than either of you for getting married in the first place,” Matthew said. “Two thousand dollars, please.”
Sandy turned out of the booth and jumped to her feet. “Come on, Jacobo! This man is out of his mind!”
Jacobo slid out of the booth and swaggered to the door. “You gotta be the worst marriage counselor on earth!”
Matthew stood. “Are you two going to stay married?” he shouted.
Several customers turned from Matthew to Jacobo.
We are so entertaining.
“We have to stay married for the kids,” Sandy pleaded. She stepped close to Jacobo. “They need their father.” She grasped the front of Jacobo’s jacket. “I need you, too.”
Jacobo put his hands on her shoulders. “I couldn’t live without you, Sandy.”
Matthew smiled and checked the clock. “That session only lasted fifteen minutes. The charge is twelve-fifty.”
A few customers smiled and nodded at Matthew.
Jacobo blinked. “What?”
“The marriage counseling session is over,” Matthew said. “Twelve-fifty, please. You can put it in the tip jar.”
Sandy pulled Jacobo close. “Pay him, and let’s go.”
Jacobo put three fives into the tip jar.
Angela gave him two-fifty in change.
Jacobo and Sandy left the shop holding hands.
A few customers clapped.
Matthew bowed slightly and went to the counter. “I heard you coughing during my session, Miss Smith.”
Angela laughed. “When you brought up the adoption, I nearly lost it.”
“I don’t think we’ll ever see them again,” Matthew said.
“I would have charged them two hundred on principle,” Angela said. “I have never had to give out change for money in my tip jar.”
“They have kids,” Matthew said. “Maybe they’ll do something nice for Jacobo Junior and Silvia.”
“The way they were looking at each other, I think they’re going home to work on child number three,” Angela said.
Thanks for the opening. “What about you? Think you should be having a baby?”
“I’m, hmm,” Angela said. “I’m not even married, Matthew.”
“Do you want to be?” Matthew asked.
Angela rolled her eyes. “Of course.”
“Just checking.” I need to make another call to Catbird.
After the “Antonelli Miracle,” word raced through Brooklyn and beyond that a lawyer at Smith’s Sweet Treats and Coffee could save anyone’s marriage for twelve-fifty over a cup of coffee. Many couples came in skeptical and left holding hands. Several couples returned to thank Matthew; a few even became regular customers.
One couple, Richard and Colleen O’Hara, came for a session that tested Matthew’s abilities and tried Matthew’s patience. After an hour of forward and reverse psychology, sound arguments and illogical threats, Matthew gave up.
“I think it’s hopeless,” Matthew said.
“That’s what we thought about our marriage, too,” Richard said. “You’re good, though, Mr. McConnell. You were very convincing. I wish we had used your services earlier.”
“Earlier?” Matthew said.
“Before our divorce,” Colleen said. “It’s too late for us. We’re already divorced and engaged to other people.”
“Nice try, though,” Richard said.
“So why did you come?” Matthew asked.
“Just to see,” Colleen said. “You actually reinforced all the reasons we got divorced.”
“You put everything in perspective,” Richard said. “I think I now truly understand the divorce. I didn’t understand much of anything while I was going through it.”
I made it all clear? I was trying to confuse them into staying together! “You’re here together now.”
“True.” Colleen smiled at Richard. “One of the rare times we actually agreed on something, huh?”
“Yes,” Richard said. “You have your fifty?”
“Yes,” Colleen said.
Matthew collected the money reluctantly.
“You tried, Mr. McConnell,” Colleen said. “But some marriages are simply past saving.”
“And you proved it again for us today,” Richard said. “Thank you.”
I can’t admit defeat yet. “You say you’re both engaged. Colleen, why isn’t your fiancé here, too?”
Colleen looked at her hands. “He doesn’t know I’m doing this.”
“My fiancée would never understand any of this,” Richard said.
Aha! “She’s the jealous type, huh?” Matthew asked.
“Very,” Richard said.
“And not the brightest bulb either,” Colleen said.
Richard didn’t disagree with her.
He must be engaged to someone like Joy. “What is she jealous of?” Matthew asked Richard.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Richard said. “Colleen is exquisitely beautiful, incredibly intelligent, and infinitely classy.”
“Thank you, Richard,” Colleen said.
“It’s true,” Richard said.
Colleen smiled.
I k
new there was still something here. “Is your fiancé jealous of Richard?”
Colleen nodded. “Terribly and to the point of irrationality. My fiancé isn’t nearly the businessman or the man Richard is. He thinks I compare him to Richard whenever we have sex.”
“Do you?” Matthew asked.
Richard smiled. “Yes, Colleen, do you?”
Colleen turned crimson. “Well, I don’t tell him I’m comparing him to Richard. That would be rude. I only think it.”
Richard nudged her with his shoulder. “You still think about me that way.”
“Yes,” Colleen said, her eyes shining.
“I think about you that way all the time,” Richard said. “That’s one thing we didn’t mess up, huh?”
“No,” Colleen said. “We never had any trouble in that department.”
Matthew smiled at both of them.
Colleen blinked. “Wait a minute. Mr. McConnell, what are you trying to do here?”
Play dumb. “Do? Here?”
Richard leaned forward, raising his eyebrows. “Yes, what trick is this?”
“There’s no trick here,” Matthew said. “I’m listening to you two talk. I wouldn’t even charge you. It’s just three people drinking coffee and talking at a booth in a coffee shop.”
“What are you saying?” Richard asked.
“I’m not saying anything,” Matthew said. “I’m listening. This is a fascinating conversation you’re having. You two are divorced, and yet you’re on each other’s minds. It’s kind of romantic. No, it’s very romantic. I’m learning a lot from you two about romance.”
Richard looked shyly at Colleen. “It is kind of romantic when you think about it.”
“A little.” Colleen glanced at Richard. “It’s actually quite romantic. I think about you all the time.”
“I go to sleep wondering about you every night,” Richard said. “Perhaps we could continue this conversation elsewhere.”
“I’d like that, Richard.” She touched Richard’s hand. “I’d really like that.” She looked at Matthew. “You may have started something here.”
“I didn’t start anything,” Matthew said. “You two have never ended.”
Colleen smiled, resting her hand on Richard’s wrist. “He’s right. We’re not finished.”
Richard turned his hand palm up and held Colleen’s hand. “No, we’re not.” He dug out his wallet. “What else do we owe you?” He pulled out another fifty.
I deserve this one. “This will cover it.” He took the money.
As they stood beside the booth, Colleen said, “Thank you. I don’t know how you did that, but thank you.”
“Yeah,” Richard said. “How’d you do that?”
“I gave up,” Matthew said. “I stopped trying to convince you two to stay together, and you convinced each other.”
“It worked,” Richard said. “Thank you.”
After they left, Angela beckoned Matthew into the kitchen, where she laid a long, hot kiss on him. “Is there any relationship problem you can’t solve?” she asked. “I thought you had met your match. How do you do it?”
“I’m not sure,” Matthew said. “I guess it’s because of all the dysfunctional relationships I’ve had.”
“Including ours?” Angela asked.
“We’re not dysfunctional.” He kissed her.
“I want you right now,” she whispered.
“Now? Here? You may have customers waiting.”
Angela glanced into the dining room. “You’ll have to be quick then.”
Matthew looked around the kitchen. “Where?”
Angela pulled him near the refrigerator, yanking down her pants and unzipping his jeans. “Go into the corner.”
Matthew backed into the corner as Angela backed onto him.
“I won’t last long,” she whispered.
“Neither will I,” Matthew said. “You’re already wet.”
Angela bounced furiously against him. “I think about this all the time.”
So do I.
“Faster,” she panted. “Faster!”
I hope the customers out there think we’re hammering something back here.
“Oh . . . yes!” Angela shouted.
Matthew joined her, trying not to shout.
Angela pulled up her pants.
Matthew zipped up his zipper.
“Back to work,” Angela said, and she washed her hands, threw water on her face, dried off, and went into the dining room.
Matthew recovered for several minutes in the corner.
I have met my match. Angela is my spiritual, intellectual, and physical match. We have to get engaged, and soon. I can’t get enough of my future . . . wife.
He closed his eyes.
Angela will be my wife, and I will be her husband, and we will work here, especially in this corner, for the rest of our days. I may have to put some padding on the wall, though. She was trying to push me through the wall and into the alley.
He smiled.
I tried women everywhere else.
I’m done trying.
This is my home.
I am going to marry a Billyburg babe.
He washed his hands and face, checked his zipper, and walked up behind Angela. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“Thank you,” she whispered back.
“I need to make a phone call,” he whispered. To Catbird.
“Go ahead,” she said, cutting her eyes to the shop phone.
“It’s a secret,” Matthew whispered.
“Does it involve me?” Angela asked.
“It involves us,” Matthew said. He squeezed her left hand, rubbing her ring finger.
“Oh,” Angela said. “Matthew, don’t go to any trouble.”
“I thought we could go look at rings tonight,” he said.
“Rings.” She sighed. “Could we talk about this some more first?”
“What’s to talk about?” Matthew asked. “I want to marry you.”
Angela picked up a towel with her right hand and wiped the counter. “I know you do, it’s just that the time isn’t right.”
After some miraculous, powerful sex in the kitchen? What time could be better? “What are you worried about?”
She looked through the front window. “I heard La Estrella is cutting two baristas and all of their prices ten percent and changing their hours from seven to seven to six to eight. My hours. They’re even adding Wi-Fi, and I swear they sent a guy over here the other day to write down my prices. They’re trying to put me out of business.”
It sure sounds like it. “That only means they’re getting even more desperate, Angela. Their coupons are littering Driggs from one end to the other, and their coupon prices are still fifty cents higher that yours, and for inferior coffee.”
“I’ve been pacing back here all day,” Angela said.
She didn’t even hear me.
“And I’ve been staring at all the people going in there,” Angela said. “I wish I had the power to make all their red and orange lights explode.”
“Is that why you dragged me back there?” Matthew asked.
“It certainly broke some of the tension,” Angela said.
Matthew let his hand slip from hers. “So I’m a tension breaker.”
“You’re more than that, Matthew,” Angela said. “You are. I’m just worried about money, okay?”
“Aren’t we doing okay financially?” Matthew asked. “I’m pulling in a lot more now that spring has arrived.”
“I know, I know,” Angela said. “You’re making more than I am now. But I still worry, and I’m still worried about me. The trial starts at the end of June, and the closer that day comes, the more anxious I get.” She faced him and held his hands. “I want to wait until after the trial, okay?”
Until Warrick is officially gone for a long time, hopefully forever. “You want to wait that long to get engaged? Angela, we can make this official tonight. And we can change the tip jar to read: ‘Angela and Matthew�
�s Wedding Fund.’ ”
“I’m not ready,” she whispered.
Don’t rush her. She loves you, and she wants everything to be perfect. “I can wait.” He kissed her.
“You’re not angry?” she asked.
He looked into her soft brown eyes. “I can never be angry with you. And you can break any tension you have with me anytime. Are you feeling tense now?”
Angela smiled and turned away.
There’s my shy girl.
“I know I’ll feel tense later tonight,” she said.
Matthew sighed. “I will be ready, willing, and able to break your tension.” He stared at La Estrella. “What about iced coffee?”
“What?” Angela said.
“I know, bad transition,” Matthew said. “Iced coffee is something La Estrella has that you don’t have.”
“Because it’s sacrilege,” Angela said. “My daddy would be foaming at the mouth if I put iced coffee on the menu.”
“If you were to make it better, and cheaper . . .” Matthew said. “They’re stealing your hours from you. Why not steal something back?”
Angela narrowed her eyes and nodded. “And strawberry shortcake.”
“With lots of whipped cream,” Matthew said, holding her close.
“Whipped cream, yes,” she said.
“We’ll get through this.”
“I hope so,” she said.
A customer cleared her throat. “Could I get some coffee now?”
Angela hugged Matthew first. “Get some ice.” She turned to the customer. “Would you like to try some iced coffee today?”
“I want a large house blend,” the woman said.
“Try it with ice and I’ll only charge you half price,” Angela said.
“Okay,” the woman said with a smile.
Iced house blend was an instant hit, as was the strawberry shortcake. Matthew enjoyed taking trips to HOD Fruit & Vegetable Market on Roebling to get fresh strawberries, and he spent many hours removing stems and washing strawberries in the kitchen while Angela tried to keep up with the orders out front.
No matter how often Matthew tried to reassure her, however, Angela still worried about money and the upcoming trial. In the bedroom, the love they made was miraculous but only occasionally healing, Angela crawling on top of him for protection from dreadful memories that would not let her sleep through the night without sobbing.
Matthew was at a loss as he held her in the darkness. I should ask her to marry me anyway. I should propose. Yes. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll pop the question, and she’ll remove some more of her armor. She’ll see I’m her knight in shining armor and that no one could ever hurt her again. Every time she sees her ring, she’ll think of something permanent, lasting, and safe.