by Li Rui
Dad cried. Mom cried. My brothers and sisters all cried with them.
I said, Don’t cry. What are you crying for? Don’t you have a bag of corn? Second Little Brother died. Didn’t they make up for your loss with this young donkey? In principle, he died because he overate; no one had to compensate for anything, but they did, because they’re good folks. Who cares if someone is tall or short? Having a good heart is better than anything else. Women are just women. If they go someplace else, they’re still married, right? I have no regrets, really, no regrets. I’m just sorry I didn’t keep my eye on Second Little Brother and keep him from eating so much; that way he would still be alive. I just regret I didn’t keep my eye on him. I didn’t know what was going on at the time; my eyes were wide open, but I was like a dummy. I just regret I didn’t keep my eye on Second Little Brother. If I had, I wouldn’t have let him eat another bowl, no matter what. If he hadn’t eaten that last bowl, he’d be on his way home with you right now.
Dad kept crying. Mom kept crying. All my brothers and sisters were crying.
I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. I said, Stop crying, what are you crying for? Even if you keep crying, you still have to leave, right? Hurry up, get along with you. Don’t cry. If you don’t leave, I’m going back to the village.
Mom sat down on the road of yellow earth; she slapped the yellow earth with the palms of her hands and began to wail. Mom said, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, Nuanyu…. How’s your mom going to go on living? Haven’t I harmed you? Huh?
I squatted and held my mom. I said, Mom, you can’t say that, we have a family; we’re still alive, aren’t we?
I couldn’t help crying. I’m not made of stone.
Only after I got pregnant did that guy who died young tell me that the bag of corn belonged to the team and the donkey belonged to the team. The grain, food, and oil for the wedding all belonged to the team. I said to him, Tell me, who got married, you or the team? He just held his head in his hands without uttering a word. I said, Aren’t you going to say anything? He lowered his elbows and turned and said, Nuanyu, Tianzhu said that everyone has to help out in matters that involve us all. I said, What do you mean, “everyone”? You had damned well better explain it to me. He just cried and said, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, can’t you see how pitiful things are for the men of Stunted Flats? All the village men, young or old, are poor bachelors. Didn’t your family come here fleeing famine to marry off a daughter? No woman ever comes here to get married. He stood next to the stovetop in the kitchen, his face not much higher than the pot lid. I was frightened by his crying face, and I felt sorry for him. Don’t talk to me about being pitiful or not. Tell me clearly what it is that you guys plan to do, you bunch of runts. In a flash I no longer saw his face in the pot lid; I just heard him beneath the stove saying, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, I didn’t want to do this, I’m kneeling before you; can’t I give back the things owed to the team? Don’t be angry. Don’t cry. I swear I’ll tell Tianzhu that you’re not willing and that I’m not willing. I’ll return everything to them. If I can’t handle this, then let me become an ox or a horse, let me die like a horse, okay?
What sort of oath did he swear, that short-lived guy? He died even before Little Cui was born.
Dad! Mom! Second Little Brother!
Heavens! Heavens! I fuck your ancestors! Heavens!
4
I took her in my arms and gave it to her good. She just shouted. She’s a good woman. Nuanyu, Nuanyu, you’re a good woman! You wouldn’t like it if a living immortal or Heaven replaced her. I gave it to her again; she just shouted, shouted for her dad and shouted for her mom. Shouting and shouting, it scared me. She shouted, Second Little Brother, Second Little Brother! I stopped what I was doing and patted her face. I said, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, wake up. Why are you shouting for your little brother? Isn’t he dead? Her face was covered with tears; my hand was wet wiping them away. She opened her eyes and cursed me, Who told you to stop, damn it? Who told you to stop, damn it? What business is it of yours who I shout for? I’ll shout for whoever I want! Little Brother! Little Brother! Little Brother! You hurt Little Cui! She just sobbed. The woman is a demon. You can never figure her temper. At a time like that when she was so happy, she shouted for a bunch of dead people. I held her in my arms. I said, Okay, okay, go ahead and shout, go ahead and shout, shout for whomever you want to shout.
I wonder when the time will be right to tell her. I’ve been a revolutionary for so many years, and I’ve never had to do anything to cause such sadness. I’ve been the head of the commune for more than ten years, and wherever I go I’m in charge of others. How can I let a woman like her control me? How much longer can I keep the words I’ve had in my heart for two or three years bottled up? According to the present revolutionary situation, what I have to say is a little risky. But I can’t very well keep it to myself till the day I meet Marx in Heaven, can I? The revolution does not forbid divorce or forbid marrying, does it? By divorcing and then marrying Nuanyu, I’m still engaged in revolutionary work and not going against principles, right? Besides, the director of the commune is human. I’ve spent more than ten years in this poor and remote place where no one can make a home, and I’ve never once said no to the Party. If I said one no to my wife, it would not go against principles. What kind of woman is this? Oh, what a woman!
I took her in my arms and gave it to her again. I asked her, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, who else do you do it with besides me? Panting, she couldn’t reply. I asked again, Who else besides me do you do it with? Are you going to tell me or not?
Oh, what a woman! Good Lord!
I wanted to ask her at such a time, because she always tells the truth at times like this. Someday I want to get a straight answer from her. My whole life, I’ve diligently and conscientiously engaged in revolutionary work. I’ve never risked anything. Would I risk everything for a few words of truth, would I?
She said, I’m tired. She said, I’ve worked up a sweat and want to get dressed.
I said, Don’t, I want to look some more.
She said, Look at what? You’ve finished and now you won’t let me get dressed.
I said, Nuanyu, I want to ask you something.
She said, What do you want to ask? You ask questions all day long.
I said, You must tell me the truth.
Pulling her clothes toward her, she said, I have given myself entirely, what else could be the truth?
I said, You must tell the truth, and I’ll tell you something true too. Who else have you slept with besides me?
She looked at me and said, I’m not your wife, and you want to bother with who I sleep with. I sleep with whoever I want.
I said, Of course I want to bother. I want to marry you.
She pulled at her clothes again. You mean as a second wife?
I said, No, I’m not joking. I want to divorce my wife and then marry you.
She said, Have you forgotten your surname?
I said, Liu, my name is Liu Changsheng. Look at you, how can I make you believe me?
She said, Liu Changsheng, you bring the divorce papers here and let me see them, and then I’ll believe you.
The sunlight streamed through the hemp-paper window, clearly revealing Nuanyu’s body. I removed the clothes she had just thrown over herself. I said, I’m going to push ahead with this regardless and accept any disciplinary action! A person can’t spend their whole life in this poor valley and spend their whole life in revolutionary work and not do something for themselves, right? I’m going to push ahead and not be the commune head!
Nuanyu didn’t say anything. Nuanyu sat naked on the kang, laughing grimly at me.
I said, Don’t laugh, I’m going back to the commune and take care of this after I have passed on the central documents.
Nuanyu said, Then I’ll wait till the sun rises from behind the western mountains just once.
5
By the time I opened my eyes, Little Cui was dead. I fell asleep when it was nearly light. I had been awake for three days, but when
it was nearly light, I couldn’t stay awake any longer, so I slept. When I opened my eyes, Little Cui was dead. I pulled open my shirt and put Little Cui to my breast. The child didn’t open her mouth, and my milk ran, covering her face. I screamed, Cui’r, Cui’r, Cui’r, Cui’r….
By the time I opened my eyes again, Little Cui’s body was already stiff.
I saw my little brother sitting at the end of the kang. I said, Little Brother, didn’t I tell you that when I died I’d be buried beside you and be your companion? So why are you in such a rush? Little Cui was just a baby, only ten months old. Why are you in such a rush?
My little brother said, Sis, I’m hungry.
I said, I can’t do anything about your being hungry. I have to bury Little Cui, I don’t have time to cook for you.
My little brother said, Sis, I’m hungry.
I opened my shirt again; my chest was covered with milk. I said, If you’re hungry, have some milk.
My little brother pressed close to my breast.
I wept. I said, Little Brother, Little Brother, Little Brother, you killed Little Cui. Why are you in such a rush? Cui’r was only ten months old….
My little brother said, Sis, I’m hungry.
I cried; I said, Little Brother, if you’re hungry, eat. When Cui’r is gone, you can look after her; she was only ten months old.
When my little brother departed, I made some clothes for Little Cui. Before the clothes were finished, the village women showed up. The women said, According to the rules here, dead babies are not buried, they must be placed on the wild mountain slopes; if you bury a dead child, it can become a demon and return and take away another child. I put down my needle and thread and picked up the cleaver. I said, Get out of here, you turtle spawn. I’m not from here and I don’t care about your damned rules. Clamoring, the women ran out shouting, The woman is crazy! She’s going to kill someone!
When the clothes were finished, I dressed up Little Cui as pretty as a flower and buried the little flower next to my little brother. After I buried her, I said, Little Brother, take good care of Cui’r for me. You have to be an uncle to her. I said, Cui’r, keep your uncle company. Let your mom know if you’re hungry; I’ll squeeze out some milk here. I opened my shirt and squeezed out all of my milk. I said, Cui’r, Cui’r, drink up, Mom has lots of milk.
Every day, I cooked at home; every day, I took food to them. I couldn’t let the two kids go hungry.
Uncle Gimpy said I took food for three days. On the third night, holding a bowl, I saw Uncle Gimpy squatting under my window.
I said, Uncle Gimpy, why aren’t you at home asleep?
Uncle Gimpy said, Nuanyu, don’t take any food to the graves.
I said, Why aren’t you at home asleep? Can’t you see it’s nearly light?
Uncle Gimpy said, Nuanyu, I’ve been keeping watch here for the last three nights.
I said, Aren’t you tired, Uncle Gimpy?
Uncle Gimpy said, Nuanyu, I’m afraid something might happen to you. How can someone eat after they’re dead, Nuanyu? Think about it. Little Cui and your little brother are both dead. How can they eat?
Suddenly it was all clear. I sat on the threshold and began to cry.
Uncle Gimpy said, Nuanyu, cry if you feel like it. Have a good cry. Tianzhu and the others are waiting at the graveyard. Everyone’s afraid something might happen to you.
When I sat on the threshold, Uncle Gimpy was a head taller than I was. He put his hand on my head and said, Everyone’s worried about you; everyone feels so sorry for you.
I pressed against his chest and sobbed.
I said, Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, I really want to become deformed, the same as all of you. I’m lonely as hell.
Uncle Gimpy sighed and said, Oh, the deformed are human; those who aren’t deformed are also human; human beings have to endure hardship; life is nothing more than two words: enduring hardship. When you think about it, life’s pretty meaningless. Cry, cry, cry if you feel like it.
Later, I did what Tianzhu and the others wanted. I said, Tianzhu, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, I’m not leaving. I’m going to die in Stunted Flats. Even if you don’t record high work points for me, don’t carry water for me or chop firewood, I promise all of you that I won’t leave.
Tainzhu said, That’s not right. We have to keep faith and treat people fairly. We all have to take care of you.
I laughed.
Tianzhu also laughed.
Later, I cried.
Tainzhu said, Just look at you, just look at you….
6
I took the steamed cornbread and ran. She shouted Wa-wa-wa, but I didn’t pay any attention, I just kept running; after all, she didn’t know where I was going.
Going around the pediment, I nearly ran into him. I cursed him, You fucking cunt. You just stand here waiting to run into me. He said, Older Brother, I want to go with you. I said, Go do what? Go where? He said, I saw you take the steamed cornbread, I know where you’re going. I hit him with my fist. He started crying. If you don’t take me, I’ll tell Dad … if you don’t take me, I’ll tell Dad…. I said, Second Dog, don’t cry. What the hell are you crying about? If you dare tell Dad, I’ll slug you! He kept on crying. If you don’t take me…. All I could say was, Okay, come with me. When we go through the drainage hole at the foot of the courtyard wall, you have to be quick. If you make a sound, I’ll slug you. He laughed and said, Okay, Brother. So off we ran.
Lying on our bellies at the mouth of the drainage hole, I called, Blackie, Blackie. Blackie came out of the cave and I gave him the steamed cornbread and said, Eat, I smeared some sheep fat on it. Blackie ate the cornbread, and the two of us crawled through the drainage hole and quietly pressed against the window. Second Dog tugged at my clothes, saying, Brother, Brother, I can’t see a thing. Quickly lowering my head, I clenched my teeth and said, Keep quiet, otherwise they might hear. I’ll fucking beat you up. I pressed close to the window again. Everything in front of me was black; I couldn’t see a thing either. After a while, I could see. It was the same as last time: they weren’t wearing any clothes; they were naked. This one was on top for a while and then that one. As we watched for a while, that’s the way it was. I tugged at Second Dog and said, Let’s go. Second Dog pouted. I didn’t pay any attention to him and made my way out through the drainage hole, with Second Dog following. I knew he didn’t have the guts to stay there on his own.
Second Dog sat on the ground muttering, Brother, I didn’t see anything.
I said, There wasn’t anything good to see, just two people not wearing any clothes, bare-assed naked.
Second Dog said, Was Nuanyu bare-assed too?
I said, Yes.
Second Dog said, So what has she got? I’ve seen Mom naked.
I said, You’re good for nothing, how can she compare with Nuanyu? You’re an idiot too.
Blackie came out of the drainage hole and joined us. Blackie sniffed me and then sniffed Second Dog. Then he sat down facing the two of us. I said, You’re so fucking dumb, even Blackie is smarter than you. Blackie licked me.
I said, Wait till I grow up. I’m not going to be deformed, I’m going to be as tall as Kugen’r, and I’ll marry Nuanyu.
Second Dog said, I’m not going to be deformed either. I’m going to marry Nuanyu too.
I said, You’re really dumb. If I marry Nuanyu, you can’t. Get it?
Second Dog said, Why not? Dad said Nuanyu is the team’s Nuanyu, not one person’s; you can’t marry her, no one can.
I hit him with my fist. I said, I’m going to slug you, you idiot! I’m never going to bring you here again.
Second Dog started bawling, Wa-wa-wa. He cried the same as her—Wa-wa-wa—it was real ugly.
7
I finally pulled some clothes over me, and then he reached out and grabbed my tits. I pushed him away and said, You haven’t had enough, have you? What do you take me for? Some animal in a pen? You want me to cook for you without any clothes on? You’re not cold, b
ut I am. He just laughed brazenly, Ha-ha-ha.
Kugen’r is the only good person I’ve met in my entire life; he’s the only one who doesn’t think about himself. If he doesn’t spend all day thinking about those ideas, then he’s thinking about other people. I don’t say he’s good because he doesn’t come here, but if I had to marry, I’d marry Kugen’r. Kugen’r’s not bad looking and he’s not deformed. What’s more, he’s honest—it would be hard to find another man so honest. Unfortunately, Kugen’r has never so much as smiled at me. Ha-ha-ha, what are you laughing about?
I just said to him, Are you going to get dressed? Do you think you look like a commune head, naked like that?
He kept on laughing, Ha-ha-ha, what kind of a commune head do I make here? Here I’m just Liu Changsheng.
I said, And Liu Changsheng knows no shame. Hurry up and put on some clothes. If you can, why don’t you hold the meeting naked?
He just kept laughing brazenly, Ha-ha-ha, but finally he stopped. He said, You don’t talk nicely. I can’t pass on the central documents naked.
Kugen’r once made a fool of me. He hadn’t been in the village more than a few days when he came here. He came in with a straight face and said, Comrade Qin Nuanyu. I was confused. Who was he talking to? I just laughed, laughed till I couldn’t catch my breath. I said, You’re the only one who ever calls me Comrade. Can’t you just call me Nuanyu? Kugen’r said, Comrade Qin Nuanyu, I want to talk with you. I said, Don’t bother me. If you have something to say, just say it. Kugen’r said, Comrade Qin Nuanyu, as a female comrade, you must pay attention to your influence. I said, What influence? Kugen’r said, You should pay attention to your relationship with several men in the commune. You’re a bad influence the way you behave; you do not fit the true color of poor and lower-middle peasants. I pulled a long face. I said, Kugen’r, I don’t know what influence is or if the true color you talk about is red or green. All I know is that my whole family lived on the verge of starvation and the people of Stunted Flats saved them. Kugen’r said, Being a female comrade, you must pay attention to your influence—it’s an issue of lifestyle.