Rachel’s heart skipped a beat as Damian spoke from behind her. She glanced over her shoulder to see him standing barely a foot away. “Uh, I don’t know.”
Damian leaned closer and whispered, “I promise I won’t sit next to you.”
Her stomach tumbled, and a tug of war began. She knew she shouldn’t go. It would just give Damian the wrong message. Oh, but she wanted to be near him. Wanted to hear his voice, listen to his laugh, look into his eyes. But it wasn’t fair to Damian. The same old line kept going around and around in her mind.
Finally her heart won out. “Okay, I’ll go.”
Pleasure flashed in Damian’s eyes, and his grin widened. “Do you need a ride?”
Some common sense remained, and Rachel shook her head. “I have my own car.”
“Then I’ll see you there.” He reached out and touched her hand then winked at her before turning away.
The room emptied quickly, but the small group who had decided to go out for coffee lingered for a bit.
“Want to come with me, Serena?” Rachel asked as they pulled on their coats. “I can drop you back by here to get your car later.”
“I’d love to come with you.” Serena flipped her dark brown hair out from under the collar of her coat. “Although if it’s not too much trouble, can you just drop me off at my place afterwards? I walked to work today.”
“No problem,” Rachel said as she pushed open the door of the church and stepped out into the brisk evening. Her breath sent white puffs into the air. Shivering, she pulled the edges of her coat closer together. “Man, I think it’s gotten even colder while we were in there.”
“Don’t know why I’m still living here,” Serena griped as they walked towards Rachel’s car. “I hate the cold.”
“I do too, but when I think about moving somewhere with no winter I get a sudden pang for a blazing fire, a cup of hot chocolate, and snowflakes drifting down outside my window.”
“That’s fine until you have to shovel it all out of the driveway the next morning.”
Rachel laughed. “So, is your cup half full or half empty?”
“Depends on the beverage.” Serena stamped her boots in the light skiff of snow on the asphalt parking lot.
Rachel opened her door and hit the button to unlock Serena’s. Once the car warmed up a bit, they left the East River Community Church and headed for Bakers Square. As she pulled into the parking lot Rachel spotted Damian, Mark, and four other people walking towards the door of the restaurant. She quickly found a parking spot, then she and Serena hurried through the cold air, eager to get to the warmth offered inside.
They followed the waitress’s direction to the table where the others waited. True to his word, Damian was seated with a person on either side. Unfortunately, after Serena took her seat, the only empty place left was the one right across from Damian. As she pulled out the chair, Rachel couldn’t decide which was worse, sitting next to him or across from him.
“Hey, glad you ladies made it.” Damian smiled as she sat down.
Rachel shrugged out of her jacket and draped it on the chair behind her back. “Once I get my mind on something—in this case the something being Brownie Pie—there’s not much that can distract it.”
“I know the feeling,” Damian said.
Their gazes met, and the teasing in Damian’s sent a rush of warmth into Rachel’s cheeks. Hoping no one saw her blush, Rachel lowered her gaze to the menu in front of her. Damian had perfected the art of subtle flirting, and it left her feeling as flustered as if he’d brazenly proclaimed his intentions.
A waiter appeared at the end of the table and began to take their orders. Once the man left, conversation turned to subjects Rachel didn’t know much about. She’d been out of the singles’ loop for too long.
Across from her, Damian talked with the woman sitting to his left. As Rachel watched, the woman smiled at Damian, and Rachel could have sworn she batted her eyelashes.
A spurt of jealousy shot through Rachel even though she knew she had no right to be jealous. Damian was, in a sense, hers for the taking. If only she felt right taking what he offered.
“...plans for Christmas?”
When Serena jogged her elbow Rachel realized she’d missed the first part of the question that was directed to her. “Sorry, what did you say?”
Damian repeated his question. “Do you have any plans for Christmas?”
“Haven’t really thought about it,” Rachel replied. It was something she’d avoided up to that point. “I’m just focused on getting through the Christmas rush. This has been our busiest year yet.”
“I’m not sure where I’ll be spending Christmas this year,” the woman next to Damian interjected. Rachel wracked her brain, trying to remember her name. She hadn’t been a part of the group when Rachel had last attended regularly.
“Why, Annie,” Serena said, a casual tone in her voice. “I assumed you’d spend the holiday with your family. After all, they are here in the Twin Cities.”
Annie. Rachel tucked the name away for future reference. This woman clearly had an interest in Damian. And she probably wasn’t the only one. He was an attractive, single Christian man with a good job. He hadn’t always been available, but since ending an engagement to his high school sweetheart a couple of years ago, he’d become a hot commodity. A definite catch for any Christian woman looking for a husband. Too bad she wasn’t one of them.
Rachel took the mug of hot chocolate the waiter handed her and relaxed back in her chair, savoring the warmth as she took a sip. If she was going to make a success of her attempts to refocus her life and find the joy that had slipped away, she couldn’t allow her feelings for Damian to drag her down. Somehow she needed to make her position clear to him, that she was just not willing to take their relationship past being friends.
Talk turned to the singles’ Christmas party. Rachel hadn’t planned to go but soon found herself considering it.
“You’ll enjoy it,” Serena assured her. “The organizers this year have promised us it’s the best party ever.”
“Is it at the church?”
“Yes, we find it’s a lot easier to have a program afterwards if we’re at the church since restaurants aren’t always conducive to fun and games.”
“Come, Rachel,” Damian encouraged. “It’s loads of fun. I think you’d enjoy it.”
“I’ll have to check the schedule at the store, but I’ll try my best to make it.”
Rachel finished off the last of her pie, groaning inwardly as her skirt seemed to tighten around her waist.
Serena didn’t bother to disguise her feelings as she pointed a finger at Mark. “I hold you responsible for this. If you hadn’t talked me into coming, I wouldn’t have pigged out.”
Mark snickered. “As I recall, it didn’t take a whole lot of convincing on my part.”
“You should have ordered the veggie platter like I did, Serena,” Annie commented. “It’s not good to let oneself go.”
Rachel frowned. Serena had a curvaceous body type that might lend itself to gaining weight easily but still, it gave Annie no right to make such digs at her friend. Maybe Rachel was just oversensitive given her trials with weight as a teenager, but she couldn’t let the woman get away with taunting remarks like that.
“I don’t think one piece of pie is classified as letting oneself go, Annie,” Rachel said, more sharply than she had intended. “Now if we ate it for every meal, you might have a point, but since this is just a treat for us, I think it’s safe to say we’re not letting ourselves go.”
“A moment on the lips, forever on the hips,” Annie quipped with a smug smile.
“But I’ll bet Serena and I enjoyed our pie more than you enjoyed that veggie platter,” Rachel shot back.
Annie’s lips pursed, but she didn’t respond.
Rachel suddenly realized they had the attention of the entire table. When her gaze met Damian’s a corner of his mouth lifted in a grin. Just before Rachel looked away he gave
her a quick wink.
Not wanting to continue the little jibe-fest with Annie, Rachel decided to end it. “Hey, I’ll make a deal with you, Annie. You eat your veggies and worry about your weight, and I’ll eat my pie and worry about mine.”
Before Annie could respond, Rachel slid her arms into her jacket and pulled it up onto her shoulders. “And on that note, I think I’ll call it a night. Ready to go, Serena?”
“Yep.” Serena pushed her chair back and got up.
Damian stood as well and grabbed his jacket from a nearby coat-rack. “Yeah, it’s church tomorrow so I can’t be out too late either.”
The group quickly dispersed after they paid their bills.
Damian followed them to the parking lot. “Guess I’ll see you two ladies in the morning.”
“If you’re lucky,” Serena teased.
Damian shook his head. “You’re a nut.”
“And that’s why you love me.”
“I’m ignoring you now,” Damian said, holding a hand, palm facing out, towards Serena. He turned to Rachel. “See you tomorrow. I’m glad you decided to join us.”
“I had fun,” Rachel told him. “Well, most of it was fun.”
“Pay no attention to Annie. She’s a bit…tense at times. I’m sorry if she ruined your evening.”
“She didn’t ruin anything,” Rachel assured him with a smile. “Just added a little spice to it.”
“I’m glad.” Damian’s voice softened. “This is the closest I’ve gotten to a real date with you. I’d hate to think you didn’t enjoy it as much as I did.”
Heat flooded Rachel’s cheeks. “Damian.” She tried to interject a warning tone in her voice. She jumped when his bare fingers brushed her cheek. “What are you doing?”
“My fingers were cold. I figured your cheeks would be warm enough to take the chill off.” Though the darkness hid his face, Rachel could hear the teasing in his voice.
She reached up and gripped his arm, planning to move his hand from her face, but instead they froze in that position -- his fingers still touching her cheek, her fingers wrapped around his wrist. Rachel’s heart pounded. She closed her eyes for a second to gather her strength and then put pressure on his wrist to move his hand. He didn’t resist. His arm lowered to his side as Rachel released her grip on his wrist.
“Drive carefully.” There was no teasing in his voice now, only emotion that Rachel couldn’t quite pin down.
“You, too,” she told him before turning toward the car.
They said their goodnights, and Rachel and Serena got into the car. Rachel watched in her rearview mirror as Damian walked with long determined strides to his truck. If they had been walking side by side, he probably would have shortened his stride so she could keep up with him. He was just that kind of guy.
She leaned forward to rest her forehead on the steering wheel. Why did it have to be so confusing?
“Are we waiting for someone?” Serena asked, dragging Rachel’s thoughts from Damian.
Rachel straightened, relieved that the darkness hid yet another blush. She put the key into the ignition and turned it.
“You know, I really don’t like that woman,” Serena said as they waited for the car to warm up. “Annie’s been after Damian from the moment she set foot in the church.”
“Has she been attending long?” Although Rachel didn’t really want to talk about Annie, she was glad Serena hadn’t commented on the little scene between her and Damian. “I’m afraid I didn’t even know her name tonight.”
“She’s been coming for a little over a year now.”
“I guess that’s the trouble with attending a big church, you miss the newcomers.” Rachel backed out of the parking space and headed for Serena’s house. “I’m sure she’s not the only woman with her sights set on Damian.”
“Nope, and isn’t it a shame that the woman he’s got his sights on doesn’t return the feelings.”
Rachel braked more abruptly than usual as they approached a red light. She glanced at Serena, the streetlights illuminating the mischievous look on her friend’s face.
“It’s pretty clear Damian feels something for you.”
As the light turned green Rachel accelerated. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Rachel,” Serena said, admonishment in her tone. “I know we’re not super close friends, but we’ve known each for several years. I’ve also worked closely with Damian for a while now. I’m not dumb. He’s always offering to pick up book orders that come in. I see the look on his face whenever I mention your name. I saw what just passed between you two in the parking lot back there. He’s got something for you.”
“You don’t have feelings for him, do you?” Rachel asked, wanting clarification before she said anything more about her relationship with Damian.
“No, I’m probably one of the few who doesn’t,” Serena said. “I’m not on the lookout for a husband at the moment.”
“You aren’t?” Rachel cast Serena a surprised look. “I thought every single woman was.”
Serena groaned. “Please don’t tell me you believe that.”
Rachel laughed. “I’m just kidding. To be honest, I’m not on the lookout for a husband either. Unfortunately, Damian doesn’t seem to want to hear that.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not much to talk about.” Rachel kept her gaze on the road.
Serena sighed audibly. “You’re right about that. I guess what I don’t understand is why you two aren’t living happily ever after. You haven’t even given the guy a chance.”
“I just told you I’m not looking for a husband,” Rachel said defensively. “If you can use that excuse, why can’t I?”
“I don’t have a perfectly good candidate for the job standing in front of me,” Serena replied.
“So, if you did, you’d consider getting married?”
“Perhaps. The thing is, I pray on a daily basis that the Lord will give me contentment in my singleness. So far He has. Until that changes, I can only believe it’s God’s will that I remain single. Not to mention the fact that up ‘til now there’s been no one in my life I could imagine being married to. Maybe someday that will change. Maybe not.” Serena paused. “Are you happy being single?”
Rachel didn’t reply right away. Was she happy being single? She hadn’t really thought about it that bluntly. “No, I’m not happy being single, but there are things that prevent me from getting married.”
“Like what?”
“Oh Serena, I can’t explain it all to you,” Rachel said, even though she longed to spill her heartache.
Serena didn’t say anything for a moment. “Okay, I won’t pester. The Lord knows I’m not too keen on sharing my troubles at times either. I just hope things work out for you and Damian…together or apart.”
“Thanks. I hope the same for you.”
Serena sighed. “You can turn left at the next street.”
Rachel swung her car onto a side street lined with trees and small houses. “Have you lived here long?”
“A couple of years. When I moved here, I lived in an apartment for the first few years but then wanted a place of my own.” Serena waved her hand to the right. “That’s my house there. Number 786.”
“Love your lights,” Rachel said, peering through the windshield as she pulled to a stop in front of the house. “I can never have enough lights around at Christmas.”
“Me, too. I put mine on a timer, so they’re always on in the evening whether I’m home or not. Helps to brighten up the neighborhood.” Serena opened the door and got out. Before slamming it, she leaned back in. “Thanks for the ride. And if you ever need to chat, give me a call.”
“Thanks, Serena, I’ll remember that. See you tomorrow.”
Serena shut the door and waved her hand before heading into her small house.
Rachel made a quick U-turn and headed back for East River Road. She merged into the light night traffic and drove home. As she pulled into
her driveway Serena’s words echoed in her mind. She did want to get married, but would the secrets of her past ever let her?
Pushing thoughts of her past from her mind, Rachel let herself in the back door. She didn’t bother turning on lights but switched the security alarm on and headed upstairs.
Half an hour later she lay curled under the blankets on her bed. As she tried to fall asleep she couldn’t help thinking about Damian. While he’d always been a distraction, lately he’d begun to take more and more of her thoughts. Her vulnerability was at an all-time high right now. With her mom gone, and spending her first Christmas alone, Rachel’s heart just ached for someone to care. And Damian was offering that care…and more.
Rachel flopped onto her back and laced her fingers behind her head. She stared at the darkened ceiling. It was so, so tempting to just toss aside all that held her back from Damian. But it would be wrong to get involved with him without telling him everything. And if he knew everything, his feelings for her would change. How could they not? One of the things he wanted was something she couldn’t give him. A family.
She didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes when she told him. Rachel didn’t think she could bear that. It was easier to just end it without detailed explanation.
Flipping onto her stomach, she punched her pillow. She laid her head down and stared out the large window of her bedroom to the dark night beyond.
Just one date, the little voice inside her pleaded.
It’s not fair to Damian, she argued back.
She needed to end things once and for all. He deserved a woman who could fill the role of wife, and eventually mother, like he wanted.
And Rachel told herself she could find the things she needed to fill her future, to fill the gaping hole Damian’s absence would create. If only she could figure out what God wanted her to do, what He wanted for her.
In the stillness of her dark room, Rachel finally admitted that she didn’t know God’s will with regards to Damian because she hadn’t asked. She was too afraid to ask. It scared her to think that maybe God did want her to spill her secrets to Damian. To give him a chance. But the thought of doing that made her stomach clench.
Waiting For Rachel: A Christian Romance (Those Karlsson Boys) Page 4