“Did Mari ask about her father?”
“Not directly, but I told her just what I’ve told you. She had a right to know.”
“Is she going to try and find him?”
The thought had never crossed Rachel’s mind. Would Mari want to meet him? Rachel hoped not. She didn’t want to have to deal with him again. And she hated to think of Mari being disappointed if he wasn’t everything she hoped he would be. Rachel knew all too well the pain of having a father who did not meet her expectations. She didn’t want Mari to have to go through that too.
“I guess we’ll have to wait and see what she wants.” Rachel knew if the price to pay for Mari getting better was that she would search for her father, she would accept that. Anything to keep her daughter in her life. Mari was her only child, the only one she’d ever have.
Rachel looked at Damian. He had stretched his legs out. His hands were shoved into his pockets, and his chin rested against his chest.
Without looking at her, Damian asked, “Is this the reason you won’t consider a relationship with me? Because you got pregnant as a teenager?” He turned and their gazes met, his blue eyes piercing and direct. “Because if it is, it doesn’t matter. We’ve all made mistakes, but God forgives us and lets us move on with our lives. If He can do that, who am I to hold your past against you.”
Rachel had known that would be his response. That was why she’d never told him, because she would have to tell him everything. In telling him only this part, he would see no reason for them not to be together.
Not able to hold his gaze, Rachel looked away. Maybe she should just tell him everything. Get it out in the open and let him decide. Only would he make the right decision? After pursuing her for so long would he be quick to say it was not an issue, only to have it raise its ugly head again, a year or so down the road? Rachel knew how important it was to him, even if he might deny it right at that moment.
Thankfully Rachel was saved from having to make an immediate decision. The doors to the elevator opened and Sharon stepped out. Mike followed her pushing Jace in a wheelchair.
Damian got to his feet as they approached.
“Jace, what are you doing here?”
“I need to know how Mari is.”
“I was just down there and told Mom and Dad she was still in surgery.”
“We told him, Damian,” Mike said with a shake of his head. “He started getting agitated again and demanded he be brought up here.”
“How are you, Jace?” Rachel touched his arm.
Jace looked up at her, but quickly dropped his gaze. “I’m okay. How’s Mari?”
“We’re hoping for another report soon. It’s been about an hour since they last gave us one.”
“C’mon, let’s sit down.” Damian gestured to the chairs. “I need to call Serena and get her to put Mari on the prayer chain.”
Rachel nodded. “That would be great, Damian. Thank you.”
Sharon fussed over Jace, making sure he was comfortable before taking a seat beside him.
She gave Rachel a concerned look. “How are you doing, dear?”
“As well as can be expected.”
“Jace mentioned that Mari’s your…daughter?”
Jace glanced at her. “Sorry, Rachel,” he mumbled.
“That’s okay, Jace. I don’t plan to deny the relationship between us.” Rachel looked at the woman who might have been her mother-in-law, if things had been different. “Yes, Mari is my daughter. I had her when I was fifteen and gave her up for adoption. She’s had a great family, but after her parents were killed she decided to come to me.”
There was a look in Sharon’s eyes that Rachel couldn’t quite place. She wondered if it was relief that her son had escaped a fallen woman’s clutches. Rachel probably wasn’t good enough for her son any more.
Rachel looked away.
Then she felt a touch on her hand. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m sure that must have been very difficult for you.”
Rachel looked at the older woman and saw only compassion in her gaze. “Yes, it was. I’m scared of losing her again, now that I’ve just found her.”
Sharon moved to sit next to her and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, drawing Rachel close. “We’ve been praying and will continue to pray for complete healing for Mari. God’s still in control.”
Rachel let herself relax in Sharon’s motherly embrace. It had been so long since she’d been held in that way. Her mother’s fight with cancer had taken away a lot of their closeness even before death had finally ended their earthly relationship.
Tears began to flow again. Sharon held her close until the wave of emotion passed and the tears stopped. Rachel moved out of her embrace and looked up.
Damian had returned and was now standing next to Jace, and all three men were watching her. She rubbed her hands over her cheeks wiping away the last of the tears.
“You okay, Rachel?” Damian asked.
“Yeah, just had to have another little cry.” Rachel glanced at the white doors. “I need to hear something about Mari. I need to know that she’s still doing okay.”
“Let me see if I can find a nurse.” Damian left them again.
He’d barely been gone a minute when the door opened and the same nurse as before came out. Rachel bolted from her seat and over to where the nurse stood.
“How is she?”
“She’s still holding her own, although things were touch and go for a while.”
Rachel’s heart pounded painfully in her chest. “How much longer?”
“The doctor said another hour and it should be over. He’ll come talk to you then.”
“Thank you.” Rachel hugged herself as she watched the nurse walk away.
She felt someone rub her arm and looked up to see Damian standing beside her. “They said she’s doing okay.”
“That’s great news.” Damian led her back to the chairs. “I called Serena, and she said she would put the request on the prayer chain immediately. Heaven’s gates are going to be flooded with prayers on Mari’s behalf. Serena said she’s going to come by a little later.”
“That will be great. It’s so hard to believe that just yesterday we were eating Christmas dinner together.” Rachel looked over at the small, somewhat bedraggled-looking Christmas tree sitting in the corner of the waiting room. “I haven’t told Serena about Mari being my daughter.”
“I didn’t mention it,” Damian assured her. “You can tell her yourself when she gets here.”
Wondering how Jace had taken the news on Mari, Rachel glanced over at him. He sat slouched in the wheelchair, his chin pressed to his chest. Bruising was more evident on his face now; his left eye was almost swollen shut. How Rachel wished that were all Mari had to deal with.
“I think we’d better get Jace back to his room,” Mike said, getting to his feet.
“Are they keeping him in?” Rachel asked.
“Just overnight for observation. He should be able to go home tomorrow.”
“I’m going to stay with Rachel until Mari’s out of surgery,” Damian told his parents.
“That’s good,” Sharon said. “We’ll be praying that all goes well.”
Jace didn’t protest as they pushed the wheelchair to the elevator. Damian walked with them.
When he joined her again Rachel said, “You don’t have to stay. I’m sure you have other things to do.”
Damian leaned back in his chair, stretching his long legs out in front of him. “As a matter of fact, I don’t. I’d like to at least wait until Mari’s out of surgery. And you shouldn’t be alone right now.”
They lapsed into silence again. Rachel was glad Damian didn’t pick up their conversation from earlier. Right then she just wanted to focus on Mari and her recovery. She leaned back against her seat and closed her eyes to pray.
At some point she must have dozed off because once minute she was praying for Mari and the next Damian was shaking her.
“Rachel?”
Shocked she’d dozed off, Rachel straightened, rubbing her eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“I’m glad you did. Obviously your body needed the rest, and I think it was good because time passed more quickly for you. Mari’s in recovery. The doctor will be out in a minute to talk to you.”
“Thank you, Lord,” Rachel whispered as she ran her hands over her hair to make sure it was smooth. “Please let the doctor have good news.”
Rachel couldn’t stay seated. She got up and began to pace. Damian remained in his seat, pulling his legs in so she had room to walk.
When a man dressed in surgical scrubs came through the door Rachel immediately moved in his direction.
“Miss Perkins?”
Rachel nodded. “How is Mari?”
“At the moment she’s stable. She had a few rough spots during surgery, but she pulled through. The next twenty-four hours will be the most crucial.”
“What all was wrong with her?”
“She has a fractured leg which we set and cast. Her right arm was also broken. The glass from the window sliced her face in several areas. She had a lot of lacerations, some minor, some more serious. It may be that she’ll require plastic surgery again at some point, although the surgeon doing the stitching tried to do it in such a way to minimize scarring.
“Our biggest concerns are the amount of blood she lost and some slight swelling in her brain. We are keeping an eye on it and hoping it will go down. She had some internal bleeding and we removed her spleen.
“We’re going to keep her in recovery for a couple of hours and then will move her to her room in the ICU. She’s a very lucky girl, and as long as she keeps fighting I think she’ll make it without any serious complications. But like I said, the next twenty-four hours are the most crucial in her recovery.”
“Can I see her?” Rachel asked, her hands clenched so tightly her nails bit into her palms. “I really need to see her.”
The doctor hesitated, but he obviously saw desperation in her eyes. “Just for a few minutes. Is this Mari’s father?” He motioned to Damian.
Rachel shook her head. “No, he’s a friend.”
“Then just you will be allowed to see her, and only for a few minutes.”
Damian reached out and squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll be here when you’re done.”
Rachel smiled weakly at him before following the doctor.
There was a flurry of activity beyond the doors that hadn’t been apparent in the waiting room. As each step brought her closer to Mari, excitement warred with dread in Rachel’s stomach.
The doctor paused outside a curtained off area. “I will warn you she is hooked up to several monitors and her face is very bruised and swollen. Don’t let it scare you though. You can talk to her and hold her hand, especially her left one which was not injured at all in the accident. Her right side took the brunt of the impact.”
Rachel nodded and took a deep breath before following the doctor past the curtains. Even with the doctor’s warning, the sight of Mari lying there covered in bandages, her beautiful slender face bruised beyond recognition, was almost more than Rachel could handle.
“I’ll leave you for a few minutes,” the doctor said, compassion in his eyes.
“Thank you,” Rachel whispered through trembling lips.
Once alone she turned to Mari, moving to her left side so she could pick up her uninjured hand.
“Oh Mari, I’m so sorry this happened to you.” Rachel pressed her lips to Mari’s hand. “We’re praying God will heal you, but you need to be strong and fight, too. I know you probably want to see your parents, and maybe it’s selfish of me to ask God to keep you here, but I’ve just found you. I want a chance to get to know you. I want a chance to be a mom.
“You are the only child I’ll ever have. The only one who will truly be a part of me. God took away my chance to have any other children; I don’t want Him to take you away, too. Not yet.”
Rachel bent her head, tears spilling onto Mari’s hand. “God, please, let me have my daughter with me a little while longer. Let me get to know, and have a chance to love the only child I’ll ever have. Please, God!”
Desperation filled Rachel. She lifted her head and stared at Mari through a wash of tears. Monitors beeped and whirred. Voices floated through the curtain. Announcements blared over the PA system, but Rachel blocked them out. Instead she filled her mind with the memory of Mari’s laughter the night before. The joy they’d shared as they’d talked. In her mind Mari’s face was no longer covered in bruises. Her eyes weren’t swollen but were open and sparkling with laughter. Her body was no longer broken but whole.
Rachel willed her strength into Mari through their clasped hands. She knew it was God’s strength that would pull her daughter through, but Rachel had to feel she was doing something, anything, to help her daughter pull through this.
She felt a touch on her shoulder and turned. A nurse stood beside her. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave now.”
Rachel wanted to protest, but knew she should be grateful they let her have this time. She brushed her lips over Mari’s hand one last time before releasing it. The nurse led her back down the hallway to the doors.
“We’ll be moving her to the fifth floor in about an hour, provided everything looks okay.”
“So I can go wait down there, and they’ll let me know when she’s in her room?”
“Just go to the nurses’ station and tell them you’re waiting for her, and that you want to be notified when she’s brought down.”
“Thank you,” Rachel said before pushing through the swinging doors.
Damian stood just outside the doors, and Rachel fell into his arms, the full range of emotions she’d been trying to restrain while visiting Mari overwhelming her. Drained of all her energy, Rachel drew on Damian’s strength as he embraced her. His strong arms held her when it seemed her legs would give out.
“It’s going to be okay, Rachel. God is still in control. He’s still at her side when you are not. Trust Him,” Damian said in a low, soothing voice.
Love for the man who held her flooded her heart, but the knowledge that that love would never be enough plunged her even lower. God, how much more are You going to take from me? I’ve paid over and over again for the sins of my past. When will it be enough?
“Rachel, c’mon, tell me how she was,” Damian urged.
Struggling to get herself under control, Rachel pulled out of his embrace. She cupped her cheeks in her hands, rubbing her eyes with her fingers, trying to remove the tears that lingered.
“She’s so bruised. Like Jace, only worse. Lots of stitches on her face. Her beautiful face.” Rachel’s voice broke. “Oh Damian, how is she going to deal with this?”
Damian reach out and took her hands into the warmth and strength of his. “She’s strong, Rachel, just like her mother. And God will give her whatever strength she lacks.”
Rachel longed for the faith Damian had. She didn’t doubt that God could heal Mari. She just didn’t know if He would. Damian’s faith was strong enough to believe God could and would heal Mari. But maybe Damian had never been on the receiving end of a “wouldn’t”. God could heal, but sometimes He didn’t. Rachel had experienced it first-hand.
God could have stopped the hemorrhaging she’d experienced after Mari’s birth when her uterus wouldn’t clamp down. Instead the bleeding had worsened until they’d given her mother two choices…her life or the removal of her uterus. Of course her mother had chosen the hysterectomy so the bleeding wouldn’t threaten her life any more.
Outwardly she had looked like any other woman, but inside she felt hollowed out. So young to have lost any chance at having a family. Damian would never know the pain she’d felt cut through her when he’d spoken about having children together. Of how they’d look like him and her. It could never be.
And Rachel never wanted Damian to know that she was less of a woman because she could never give him the children he so clear
ly wanted. He deserved a whole woman.
God may have taken her chances to have children and even Damian, but surely He wouldn’t take her daughter too. Rachel didn’t know if she could handle one more loss.
She turned away from Damian and pressed her hands to her face. God, I’m so sorry for what happened. Please forgive me. Don’t punish Mari for my mistakes. Take my life, not hers. And please, let this end. How much more do I have to pay for my sins? How much more?
Chapter Fourteen
Damian watched Rachel turn from him. He felt like he couldn’t comfort her enough. At least not like he wanted to, not the way he could have if they were committed to each other. There were thoughts and emotions she wasn’t sharing with him, things she might have told him if they were involved.
Instead a huge chasm yawned between them. Damian felt helpless as he stood on one side of it looking at her, longing to comfort her yet knowing she was out of his reach. He thought after hearing about Mari being her daughter and being there for her that they were drawing closer together, but she was pulling away. He could feel it. Something still stood between them, and Damian didn’t know what it was or what to do about it.
“Rachel, are you going to be able to see Mari again on this floor?”
Damian saw her shoulders lift and fall, and heard the deep breath she took before turning back to him. “No, they’re going to move her down to the fifth floor in about an hour. I’m supposed to go there and wait.”
“Okay, let’s go and see what that waiting room looks like,” Damian said, trying to coax a smile from Rachel.
Instead she looked at him, her brown eyes filled with a desolation that scared Damian. He’d never seen that expression on her face before. “It’s going to be okay, Rachel. You have to believe and have faith that God will see Mari through this.”
Rachel nodded, but still her expression didn’t change. Damian went and picked up their things from the seats then led her to the elevator. She stood silently beside him, her arms wrapped across her middle as if protecting herself.
Waiting For Rachel: A Christian Romance (Those Karlsson Boys) Page 15