by J. L. Beck
“Are you serious right now?” Her voice is just as angry as her face, and I sigh. I don’t know why I keep hooking up with Laura. Maybe I did genuinely want to fuck her in the beginning, but now everything about her annoys me and I know I need to stop.
It probably makes me even more of a dick, but I blow her off, saying, “I’m busy right now. I’ll explain later,” before turning away to scan the crowd for Fallon again.
“You’re busy?” She shrieks, her hands on her hips as she exchanges a look with her friend standing behind her like she’s waiting for her advice. “How can you be busy? You’re leaning against the wall, watching people in the crowd.” The ire saturating her words annoys me as much as her voice is, and my annoyance mounts as I realize I’ve lost sight of Fallon and her asshole date.
“Yes, Laura. I’m busy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go find Fallon.” Without waiting for a response, I move around her and pull my arm out of her grasp when she tries to stop me. I don’t have time for the drama and hassle I know she’s going to give me. I have a singular focus: find Fallon.
Panic grips my insides as I push through the crowd, my eyes scanning over all the scantily dressed girls, with guys grinding and whispering in their ears. Catching Ryker in the crowd, I clamp a hand on his shoulder to stop him from moving forward. “Hey, have you seen Fallon? I can’t find her and I’m freaking the fuck out.”
Ryker shakes his head, looking at me over his shoulder. “Let her be, bro. We want her to enjoy herself, not feel like she’s being babysat.”
My teeth snap together at his answer and I release him before I say something I’ll regret later. Nodding my head absently, I move further into the crowd towards the back patio. At the very least I can just pretend I’m wandering around if I spot them, right?
My fears become reality when I don’t find Fallon or Danny out on the patio, or in the mass of people on the first floor. Eying the stairs, I wonder if Fallon would really consider going into a bedroom with that jerk.
What if she wants it to happen?
The thought has me shaking my head in denial as I grip the sides of my head painfully, trying to decide if I should go up those stairs and see if they’re there or leave her be.
I don’t really get the chance to make a choice because before my body starts moving all on its own, my feet climbing the steps until I reach the landing. The hall is packed, with people going in and out of each door. When I look farther down the hall, I see a girl in a bright red dress. My eyes cling to the body I dream about, and as I get closer to them I realize Danny has Fallon cornered, his hand up her dress while she tries desperately to push him away.
“I said stop, Danny. I don’t want to do this with you.” Fallon’s pleas meets my ears and I lose my mind. Fire ignites in my stomach, and I take off running down the hall to pull the fucker off of her. His body is all that’s keeping her upright, so when I jerk him off, she falls, her body hitting the floor with a loud thump that just makes me more insane.
My hands clench into fists as I look between the two of them, watching as confusion mars Danny’s features while relief floods Fallon’s.
“What the fuck, dude?” Danny yells.
Ignoring him, I help Fallon up off the floor. Her hand grips mine, and I can feel her body trembling. “I think it’s me who should be asking ‘what the fuck?’ She said stop. I heard her, and I was at the other end of the fucking hall.” I’m seething, one second away from punching the fucktard in his stupid face. I want it so badly my muscles ache, and all I want to do is wipe the smug look off his face.
“I thought she wanted it. Sometimes they say no, but are just playing hard to get.”
At his words I release Fallon’s hand to grab him by the collar of his shirt and slam him up against the wall. The disturbance causes pictures to rattle before hitting the floor, the glass inside shattering, and even though I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, I can’t bring myself to give a fuck. “She said no. No means no, always. If you need help understanding that I will gladly fucking give it to you,” I snarl, pushing him harder against the wall. His face is red with both embarrassment and anger, and I release him before I do something fucking stupid. He falls to the ground like the piece of shit he is, and I turn, taking Fallon’s hand in mine and leading her away from the scene I just caused.
“I’m sorry.” She whispers against my shirt, clinging to me as I move through the masses refusing to stop until I’m outside and can finally check her over. My body is on fire thanks to the rage and adrenaline coursing through my veins threatening to burst free.
My molars grind together with the effort it takes me to stop myself from speaking. I know if I say something right now I’m only going to regret it later. As soon as we walk out of the front door, the cool night air helps clear my head and I start to calm a little.
Turning to face Fallon, I can see the tears in her eyes. She looks terrified, and I hate myself a little for not being here for her like I should have been. For not being man enough to tell her how I feel. If she was mine, Danny and this entire incident never would’ve happened.
“Are you okay?” My voice is gruff, but I can’t find it in me to let go of all the anger I’m feeling just yet. I have to stare at everything but Fallon just to keep it at bay. She’s trembling, and I know I should wrap my arms around her and comfort her, but my emotions are too close to the surface and I’m not sure which one will win: anger or attraction.
The hurt in Fallon’s voice is obvious when she speaks, and it causes my heart to beat faster. “I’m okay… just a little shaken up. I thought he liked me.”
“I’m sorry Fal.” I’m finally able to get a handle on my emotions, enough to pull her into my arms. She shivers, the cool air coupled with the heat of my skin causing goosebumps to race across her skin. I rub at the exposed flesh to warm it before pulling away to shrug out of my hoodie. She pushes her head and arms through and I almost laugh. It practically covers her entire dress. I feel like a fucking king knowing she allowed me to do it, even more so when I see her wrapped up in my clothes.
“Don’t be sorry, Reed. It wasn’t your fault. You tried to warn me about him and I didn’t listen. I never listen, and that’s probably the entire problem.”
She’s trying to blame herself when it isn’t her fault at all. It’s Danny’s. Cupping her cheeks, I look down so I can gaze into her eyes, the green in them drawing me in and making me want to kiss her. God do I want to kiss her. “Don’t overthink this. It's not your fault. It’s his. When a woman says no, it means no. It doesn’t mean you can try again, or that you keep going until she says yes. You saying no and him not listening has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.”
Tears slip from her eyes and I swipe them away with my thumbs. It breaks my heart to know I’m part of the reason this happened. “I just wanted to have a fun night, Reed.” He next words are almost a whisper and the sorrow in them makes my chest hurt. “I wanted him to like me.” Her sweet breath fans against my lips and I nod in understanding, swallowing down the desire to confess my deepest darkest confessions.
“I know you did, but to be honest, he doesn’t deserve you Fallon. You deserve better, so much better.” I’m the one whispering now, as I pull her deeper into my embrace, wrapping my arms around her tighter and praying I can let go of the feelings that are rooting themselves deep inside my heart.
Because she does deserve better. She deserves so much better than even me.
I cry because it’s the only thing I can do. I wanted tonight to be the night I let go of Reed, and the feelings I have for him. Instead, it’s the night that he made me fall even more in love with him. More than I’ve ever loved anyone before. My emotions are so all over the place, and as soon as I’m alone in my room, I rip the dress off and throw it in the trash before pulling on a pair of night shorts and a t-shirt.
I’m so embarrassed. I hate that Reed saw me like he did and that Danny did nothing but try and
get inside my panties. I cry into my pillow all night as I replay what happened, barely coming out of my room the next day for breakfast because I’m afraid showing my face will be nothing but a reminder to how awful last night was.
A knock sounds on the door, and I startle, pulling myself from the paperback in my hands.
“Come in,” I announce, pulling the blanket up over my legs just in case it’s one of the boys. I changed back into my shorts after breakfast, and don’t want anyone to see me wearing clothes that barely cover more than my panties. Color me shocked when Alice walks in my room instead. After losing my mom, she’s the closest thing I have to a parent and her words mean more to me than anything.
She smiles gently. “Mind if I come in and talk?” I smile and nod, her presence already making me feel better. There’s a warmth that radiates out of her and makes you feel like you’re home. That’s the best way I can describe her.
I sit up straighter as she sits on the edge of the bed. “What’s up?” She’s a little older than my mom was, but still beautiful. Her blonde hair is pinned back, showing off her hazel eyes. Out of all the boys, Remy resembles her the most with his fair skin and light hair. Only a few wrinkles mar her porcelain skin, laugh lines, and crow’s feet, as she calls them. Simply looking at her has the anxious feeling in my belly going away.
“Are you okay? You didn’t say much at breakfast and you’ve been in your room all day.” There’s a sadness in her eyes I don’t understand, but I know Reed has most likely told both her and Clark what happened. I just want to forget last night happened at all.
“I’m fine.” It’s a lie because I don’t want to burden her, and because I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it just reminds me how everything went wrong last night and the feelings I can’t stop having for Reed. We’ll never work, and I’ll never confess my feelings to him.
“Oh sweetheart, don’t you dare try and lie to me,” she scolds, causing a smile to pull at my lips. “Did that oblivious son of mine do something stupid again? I swear, he needs to pull his head out of his rear end and smarten up.”
I’ve never told Alice how I feel about Reed, but I’m sure she can see the feelings I wear on my sleeve every day. “I’m okay, really. I just don’t want to talk about what happened last night. It’s over and done with. Reed saved the day and I’m grateful he was there.” My eyes fall to land on my hands where they’re twisted together in my lap on top of the comforter.
Silence settles between us and I smile when Alice’s hand comes to rest on top of mine. She’s not really holding my hand, just resting hers on top, as if to say, I’m here if you need me.
“If something is bothering you, or you need someone to talk to I’m always here for you. Us girls have to stick together in the madness of this house.” I nod, lifting my eyes to her hazel ones, seeing something I don’t quite understand reflecting in her eyes.
Guilt and sadness swirl in their depths and it’s my turn to ask her if everything is okay. “Are you okay? You look more tired than usual.”
She gives me a sad smile, and confusion sets into my features. “I’m fine, but you shouldn’t be worrying about me, sweetie. I just wanted to remind you that even though I know I’ll never be your mom, and I would never want to replace her, I’ll always…” she cuts herself off. “I’m here to talk if you need someone, whether it’s for advice or you just need to vent.”
“You know I’ll always come to you.” The stumble she made over her words makes panic fill my body. It worsens when I clutch her hand in mine, feeling the coolness of her skin against mine. She’s always had such warm hands, but right now they’re like ice, and her normally soft skin feels more like thin paper. Something's wrong. I can feel it deep in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m as okay as I’m going to be,” she says cryptically, which doesn’t ease my worry at all. “Now let’s talk less about me and more about you. How are classes? Grades?”
She’s trying to change the subject, and even though I want to ask more questions, I let it go. At least for now. “Grades are good. Classes are meh.” I shrug. “High school isn’t as exciting as I thought it would be.”
Alice laughs as she pats my leg. “It’s never as exciting as it seems to look when you’re waiting to get there, much like a lot of things in life. Make sure you enjoy this time though, because one day you’ll look back, and I don’t want you to have any regrets. Take chances, sweetie.”
I nod, nibbling on my bottom lip, feeling like it’s fate telling me I should talk to Reed about my feelings. “I don’t want to regret anything either.” I pause, wondering if I should ask her for advice, not because I don’t think her advice is worthy but because I’ve always relied on myself for the answers I need. “But I have this friend… a guy…. and I like him, as more than a friend.” I feel my cheeks warming, and I pray one of the boys doesn’t decide to come barging in right now.
“And?” Her eyes sparkle with excitement, and I know she’s been waiting for this day, for me to finally come to her. She leans forward, waiting for me to continue.
It’s so hard for me to explain, especially when I’m trying not to tell her it’s her son. “We’re just friends, but I like him, I like him a lot, and I’m not sure if he likes me the same way. Sometimes I think he does, but I’m so afraid telling him my feelings will ruin our friendship.” My eyes move back down to my hands where I’m fiddling with the blanket.
“Well, life is all about taking chances Fallon. It's difficult for guys and girls to be just friends. Feelings always seem to get involved, and that’s okay, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. You should tell him how you feel. Chances are he probably feels the same way you do.” Anxious anxiety swirls in my belly at the thought of telling him, but maybe she’s right.
Is it possible? Does Reed feel the same way?
There have been times where he’s looked at me, and I thought it might be possible. There have been more than a couple times when I thought he might kiss me, but then at the last minute he didn’t.
“Take the chance, Fallon. We only have one life to live, and you don’t want to look back on it with regret.” Alice’s voice filters through my thoughts, and l lift my face to look at her. There is a deep sadness in her eyes that I don’t understand.
I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Thank you. For everything, for taking me in, and giving me a place to live. You and Clark have been supporting me and giving me advice, even though I know you didn’t have to. I won’t ever be able to thank you enough.”
“You stop that right now,” she scolds again, pulling me into her arms and squeezing me tight. Her scent is soft, calming me as it enters my nostrils. “You were always meant to be here, and I firmly believe this is where your parents would want you. We’re more than happy to have you here.”
I know she isn’t lying, but sometimes I feel so out of place. There are days where I feel like such a burden to the Winston’s. They do the most they can for me, and now I’m thinking about risking everything I have with Reed, and them, by telling him how I feel? It seems so selfish. What if things don’t work out between us? I’ll lose them…and Ryker and Remy. I’ll lose my entire support system.
“We love you Fallon, like the daughter we never had, and we will love you forever, no matter what you do with your life. All I ask is that you live life without regret and reach for whatever you want in life. Never let anyone get you down. Push, and keep pushing until you reach your goals. Love whoever it is you want with your whole heart.”
“I will, Alice. I promise,” I tell her as her arms tighten around me. We sit like that for a long moment until she finally pulls away, and gives me a trembling smile, tears lingering in her eyes.
Standing, she smooths the wrinkles from her shirt, then blinks the tears from her eyes and looks down at me “Alright. I better get back downstairs before the boys realize I’m not making lunch.”
“Thank you, Alice.” I whisper as she walks towar
ds the door. My heart is full, and my emotions are on overdrive. I know I have a choice to make. I should tell Reed but it’s hard, so damn hard, and the idea of failure, of losing him, is so much worse than I could ever imagine.
“Of course Fallon, if you need anything, advice or you just want to talk, I’ll be here.” She smiles at me over her shoulder and leaves the room, closing the door softly behind her. I burrow beneath my blankets, my mind racing and my heart pounding in my chest.
I have to tell Reed or get over this pesky crush I have on him.
I can’t have it both ways, I just can’t.
I’m still shaking with anger more than twenty-four hours after the incident with Danny. The thought of him touching Fallon makes my blood boil. I want to go to her, comfort her and tell her all the things she needs to hear to feel better, but there’s no point. She probably wants to be left alone and I can’t really blame her for that.
Ryker walks into my bedroom, throwing himself onto my bed as he says, “I’m shocked that shit last night didn’t end as badly as it could have.”
I narrow my eyes at him. We might be brothers but my bed is mine. He has his own, and I have way too much on my mind to deal with him tonight. “Can you maybe knock next time?” I question, sighing as I continue to bounce the small rubber ball off the wall. I can feel Ryker’s eyes on me but I don’t look at him. Truthfully I don’t really want to talk about last night. After telling mom and dad about it, I just want to pretend it never happened.
“Nope. There is no knocking in this house, no secrets either…” He trails off, like he knows something I don’t and he’s just waiting for me to take the bait.
But I don’t. I’m stuck inside my head, thoughts of Fallon and I swirling around. Us being together would complicate things, and my family is the only family she has, so if things ended badly between us, what would happen? Where would she go, and who would be there for her?