Selfish.
I was a horrible person.
I wanted to be furious at Bill for even suggesting it. Wasn’t he pummeling the crap out of Ryan just a few days ago? Sneaky. Sneaky. But that wasn’t a word to describe Bill. I knew in my heart of hearts Bill actually was thinking about Ryan’s safety.
“You wish you never got involved with me, don’t you?” I asked my worst fear, that my friends secretly wished they never knew me, that their lives would have been normal and safe without me in them.
Bill pulled me in for a hug and I collapsed into his chest. His arms felt safe and nice like he could protect me from anything. He whispered in my ear. “I’ll never regret being your friend. Ever. I love you, Chelsan.”
I kept crying into his t-shirt. “I love you, too, Bill.” I clung to him like he was my lifeline to sanity.
I felt him kiss the top of my head lingeringly and my body froze.
Did he mean he loved me, or that he loved me?
“Um, Bill.” I pulled away and looked into his eyes.
Yep.
He was looking at me the way Ryan did. Oh man. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t even want to go near this kind of conversation with Bill. Not after everything I had just gone through. Not with Ryan being held captive by Elisha. I thought I had been clear that night when the two of them fought! I thought Bill had moved on to Jill. I thought…
“It’s never crossed your mind? Ever?” Bill asked tentatively.
“Bill.” Why? Why did he need to discuss this? Hadn’t I told him already that I just wanted to be his friend? Hadn’t he figured out that my heart belonged to Ryan?
I closed my eyes. Yes. Bill knew all those things. But with Ryan potentially not being in the picture things could be different for him. At least that’s what he was thinking. Jill must really hate me right now.
I opened my eyes. “We can’t.”
“Why not? We’ve been best friends for three years. I love you, Chelsan, and I always have.” Bill’s face was so raw and vulnerable I almost wanted to say yes just to spare him the pain I was about to give him.
“I don’t feel that way about you,” I said quietly, secretly hoping he wouldn’t hear because I knew how it would hurt.
“That’s a lie.” Bill didn’t even flinch, he was still as eager as ever to prove his point to me. “I know you felt the same as I did before Ryan came into the picture. Don’t deny it. I won’t believe you. Now’s our chance. We’ll save Ryan and you’ll let him go so he can live his life safely without you in it.”
That shouldn’t have stung, but it did. And it made me mad. I stood up and Bill stood up with me, his expression immediately troubled. My face was still pretty readable, I guess.
“You know what, Bill? Not buying it,” I said as I crossed my arms. I was feeling a rant coming on. “You didn’t like me until Ryan liked me, and not before. Otherwise, in our three year friendship, you would have asked me out on a date. I’m sorry if me being with Ryan stirred up feelings for you that weren’t there before, but that’s the point, they weren’t there before. Now you’ve just convinced yourself that you’re in love with me because boys always want what they can’t have. And Jill! She finally gets you and the second you think you have a chance with me you dump her?! You are a jerk!”
“You finished?” Bill asked.
“Yes,” I practically harrumphed.
“It’s true, it may seem like I only started liking you when Ryan did. But, Chelsan, I’ve liked you since the day you ran into me and knocked me on my butt in the hallway. I just never thought you thought of me that way, and to be honest, I thought you’d think it was kind of creepy that the rich guy was hitting on you, and when I was finally getting enough courage to ask you out, Ryan freakin’ Vaughn kisses you in front of everyone, and you kissed him back!” Bill was rambling and starting to get angry at that last part. “So yeah, little frustrating. And Jill and I kissed once. Once! Not enough to call it a relationship, so don’t call me a jerk.”
“Bill.” I didn’t know what to say other than that.
“Do you know how annoying it is to watch some stranger come in from the middle of nowhere and swoop you off your feet when I’m the one who’s been there from the beginning? I’m the one who should be your rock. I’m the one whose shoulder you should cry on. I’m the one, Chelsan. Not Ryan. And the universe has made it easy on us. It’s giving us the opportunity to be together like we should have been from the beginning. It’s giving me the shot I was too scared to take the first time.”
Bill placed his hands on my arms and looked at me intensely. “Chelsan, you know I’m right. Regardless of how you feel about me right now, in time, after you’ve let Ryan go, after you’ve had time to heal… we can start with a date. That’s all. I promise.”
“You know what, Bill? Gross.” I shoved his hands away. “Ryan is being tortured by a seven-year-old psychopath and you want a date. I’m getting Ryan back, and I may or may not let him go, but either way, I’m never dating you!” I screamed and ran out of the room. I was so mad at Bill! How dare he?! How low?! How?!
I barely made it out the door when I collapsed to the hallway floor and started to cry. I couldn’t take any of this right now. I just wanted to crawl into a ball and shut out the rest of the world. I felt Bill’s arms wrap around me and I didn’t have the strength to fight him off.
“I’m so sorry, Chelsan. I’m so sorry. I’m a complete a-hole. We’ll get Ryan back. I promise, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault,” Bill whispered over and over in my ear. He was devastated and my anger for him melted. Bill couldn’t help how he felt. No more than I could.
“What did you do?!” Nancy’s mother bear voice rang shrilly from the top of the stairs. “Get away from her, you dolt!” I could feel Nancy prying Bill’s arms off of me as she lifted me to my feet. I let her support most of my weight while I gathered myself together.
“I’m all right, Nancy,” I said weakly and briefly looked at Bill.
His face was wracked with guilt.
“I hate Jill, too, but it’s not worth crying over,” Nancy said warily.
I shook my head, “He wants me to let Ryan go. He won’t remember me anyway,” I croaked out.
Nancy’s face paled, “You’re not going to, are you?”
She wanted an answer. She wanted to know if I would do it. Truth was, as mad as I got with Bill, it didn’t change the fact that letting Ryan go might be the best thing for him.
The pause had been too long. I felt Nancy’s nervousness emanating from her pores.
“I’m not sure yet, Nancy. I need to think about it.” I left it at that and that seemed to be enough for her.
“So you’re not with Jill anymore?” Nancy asked Bill.
“No,” he said in a low voice.
Nancy’s nostrils flared in anger, “Making Chelsan dump Ryan? That was your idea? I can’t even stand Jill and I feel sorry for her!” Nancy whacked Bill in the chest.
“I didn’t mean…” Bill was heartbroken.
“Didn’t mean, my ass…” Nancy was about to rip Bill a new one.
“Nancy,” I interrupted, “I already put him through the ringer. Let’s just drop it, okay?”
Nancy huffed, but kept quiet.
Bill looked at me with anguished eyes. “Please tell me we’re okay?”
I nodded. “We’re okay.” I made him keep eye contact with me. “I never want to talk about the issue we discussed ever again. Okay?”
Bill nodded and it looked like I had kicked his family jewels. I didn’t care. I couldn’t even entertain the thought of having a conversation like that one again. Not until Ryan was safe. When Ryan was with me again, I’d know what to do. I made a pact with myself in that moment to not make any decisions until we were all back safe and sound at Nancy’s.
“We’re meeting downstairs. Turner wants to rescue Ryan today.” Nancy looked at me like she was trying to figure out if I was sturdy enough to function.
“I’m okay, Na
ncy. Let’s get downstairs,” I said, walking toward the stairwell. I didn’t wait for Nancy or Bill, I just wanted to go downstairs, listen to plans and immerse myself into finding a way to save Ryan. It was the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
Rounding the corner to the living room I saw that the rest of the gang was there plus Turner and Roberta. They were sitting next to each other on the far end of the couch while everyone else kept their distance at the other end. Vianne stood up from sitting on the arm of the couch and rushed over to me, embracing me tightly.
“Thank goodness we got you back! How are you feeling?” she asked me with relief in her voice. Vianne and George felt like an extra set of parents and having her hug me made me feel safe.
The news was playing softly on the holo-tv like surreal extras in a movie trying to break up the obvious tension between us and them (them being my grandparents). A reporter was interviewing one of the moms whose surrogate was now with Roland Light. Her eyes were swollen and red from days of crying and my heart immediately broke for her. I still had no idea why Roland and Elisha had kidnapped the surrogates, but I knew it had to be something diabolical. Vianne must have realized how the holo-tv was distracting me because she turned it off and gave me a gentle squeeze of support.
Jason and George turned their heads toward me with smiles of welcome while Jill stood as far away as she could from my grandparents and still be in the room. Only two days ago they had sent assassins to kill her, after all. I was actually getting used to my grandparent’s fickleness (and by fickleness I mean psychotic behavior). One minute they were trying to kill you, then next to save you. I didn’t want to figure them out. I just wanted to use them to get Ryan back and then be done with them forever. I wanted them out of my life.
“Sit down,” Jason called out to me and motioned for me to sit next to him.
I quickly obliged, taking a place in the middle of the couch between the two parties.
Nancy and Bill stood like sentries behind me.
I looked over at Jill. She was watching me like a hawk, probably wondering how I was going to treat Turner. Most likely hoping I’d tell him to get lost. Sorry Jill, but we need his help. I couldn’t worry about her reaction right now.
Ryan’s safety was more important.
“So what do we do?” I asked, starting the meeting.
Turner sat forward and gave his attention only to me. I could tell he didn’t like being around my peeps, probably because they all wanted him in jail or dead, but mainly because he thought he was above us. To Gramps, my friends were the annoying bugs he had to work with because of me. I hated him so much in that moment that I wanted to scream, but I held back for Ryan.
“Ryan’s being held in the same facility you left him. They haven’t moved him,” Turner said dryly. “Elisha only had enough time to set up one machine and the man-power that’s involved would make it very difficult to move him easily. It’s the reason why we’ve kept the same location of the I.Q. Farms for so many years. The twins are another story, Elisha hasn’t re-buried them, so we know they’re in a building four blocks over from Ryan. We’ll have to split up. I’ll get the twins and you and your crew will get your boyfriend.”
Split up? I both liked and disliked the notion. Liked because it was physically difficult for me to even be in the same vicinity as my grandparents. Disliked because I didn’t trust them: they could just abandon us there. I was about to say something when Jill took a step forward.
“I can’t believe you’re actually going to work with him.” Jill practically spat from across the room.
“Here we go.” Turner rolled his eyes. “Are you sure I can’t just kill her?” He turned to Jill, “I let you keep your damn chip, didn’t I?”
“Only because we can’t crack it!” Jill focused her attention to me. “Chelsan, you can’t honestly tell me you trust him. Please don’t be that stupid.”
“Jill, we don’t have a lot of options here. We can’t exactly take Bill’s hover and stroll back into Havenville. We need the resources Turner can provide.” I tried to sound as calm as I possibly could. I actually agreed with her, but I cared about Ryan more, so I was willing to give my grandparents a shot. The mere thought of the twins and their power in the hands of Elisha… not that Turner was much better, but at least he had a track record of almost two-hundred years of keeping the boys in check, which made me feel safer about Turner having custody over them.
“What are they getting out of all this? Ever wonder that?” Jill wasn’t letting this go.
“The twins, Jill.” I looked at Turner and he nodded in agreement. “That’s why you’re helping us.”
Roberta sat forward, smiling at me. “And we’re doing this for you, too.”
“Can I vomit now?” Jill rolled her eyes.
“Jill, this is hard enough…” Nancy started.
“No!” Jill interrupted, “You have no idea how hard this is, Nancy! He didn’t kill your dad!” Jill’s eyes were starting to well up.
“We could rescue your boyfriend if you’d just let me kill her.” Turner leaned back into the couch rubbing his face with his hand in frustration.
I stood up at that. “Stop threatening my friends. It’s not funny.”
“I wasn’t joking.” Turner’s eyes were deadly serious. “Your silly little friend is overreacting like she’s been doing since we arrived.”
“Overreacting?” I was incredulous. “You murdered her dad and then kept him as your personal puppet for years! How do you expect her to feel about you?!”
“I didn’t keep him animated just for myself you know, I do have a heart.” Turner crossed his arms in anger.
“Of course you did it for yourself. You needed her dad to do everything you say and you knew he was going to turn you in.” I was livid now.
“No. I killed him because he was going to turn me in, I kept him alive for that little brat.” Turner glanced over at Jill.
“You let a child grow up with a zombie dad for her? Are you joking?” I asked and then realized that no one else was piping in. Everyone seemed to want to give Turner and me the space to hash this one out.
“It felt like the right thing to do, yes.” Turner’s eyes bore into me. “We’re not that different, Granddaughter. You did the exact same thing with your stepfather for your mother.”
I sat there stunned.
He was right.
I did do that for Mom. I kept Bruce’s dead body going so she wouldn’t be devastated. I didn’t realize at the ripe age of seven that mom only wanted him alive because his mere presence protected us from Turner, but either way the intention was the same. I’d kept a dead man animated for the love of my mother. I was just like him and that thought killed me. I wanted to hope for the best, that maybe Gramps really did feel for Jill and kept Mr. Forester alive for her sake, but after everything Turner had done, it was hard for me to think better of him. Not to mention it was always difficult to see what was truth and what was manipulation with Gramps. Either way it made me feel like a horrible human being.
“It would have been better if you’d let my father be dead,” Jill said so quietly I barely heard her.
Turner sighed like he’d been forced to eat worms. “I’m sorry for that, but I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Jill left the room.
I knew how she felt. She had no energy to argue. She just wanted to be left alone. I’d been her last shred of hope to throw Turner out on his heels and now she had to deal with the fact that I was just like him. A sicko.
“Are we done?” Gramps brought us all back to reality.
“Tell me what you’ve got in mind.” I wanted to change the subject as well. Turner knew he’d won that argument. Thankfully, he wasn’t gloating.
We talked through the afternoon, going over the plan to rescue Ryan and the twins. It was a simple snatch and grab, but we had to make sure no one would get hurt. Turner didn’t care much about that point, but I made him promise he wouldn’t hurt anyone. Ro
berta backed me up and this seemed to make Gramps reluctantly agree. I was finding the whole conversation surreal. Just two months ago my friends and I were sitting around discussing plans to break into Turner’s headquarters! Now we were all in the same room, having a civil discussion and working together. It was making me nauseous. I couldn’t stop wondering what my mother would have thought of all this. Would she hate me right now? Tears sprung up before I could stop them.
“We’ve got a plan. I’m going to rest before we go,” I said and stood up before anyone could see me cry.
“I’ll go with you.” I heard Nancy call from behind as I walked toward the staircase.
“No, it’s cool. I really just want to crash for a while,” I said over my shoulder, hoping Nancy would oblige without an argument.
“Jason and I will just go over the details then.” Nancy’s voice was unsure, but I couldn’t look back at her. If I saw her concerned eyes I’d break down right then and there. I had to keep moving toward my bed and the safety of my pillow that I intended to bawl my head off into.
“Cool. I’ll only be an hour or so,” I called out as I took the stairs two at a time and practically fell over my feet to reach my room.
I opened the door and to my surprise, Jill was there in my bed lying on her side. She was alone, her eyes bright red from crying. When she saw me she immediately sat up and wiped the wetness from her cheeks. “Sorry. I’ll go somewhere else.”
Our eyes met. Our pain linked us in that second. An understanding that only the two of us could share. Turner took my mother and her father. We’d never get them back.
We both started to cry. Jill jumped up from the bed and embraced me like we were sisters. We held onto one another like we could suck the poison out of each other by just this embrace.
Jill pulled away first and started to laugh through her tears. “We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?”
I had to laugh myself and soon the both of us were laughing uncontrollably. Pain is a funny thing. Sometimes when it’s too much to bear you find yourself going a little mad and laughter is the only cure, like some kind of emotional protection. We both plopped down on the bed then became very quiet. We were drained. There was nothing left to emote.
The Riser Saga Page 57