by Abby Ayles
Lucy tried to think of an appropriate reply, but nothing came to mind. Her only true reason was that she didn't want to do it. But what choice did she have? This was just the game people played. “I just... I would not want to use Her Highness Elisaveta. This is the first time in a long time that I have had a lady friend who I held so much in common with. I would hate to abuse her trust.”
“And you will not!” Lady Fitzgerald replied. “You will simply make use of your friendship to get closer to her brother. You need not lie to her or control her. Simply see the Prince and befriend him. You can continue to be a good and honest friend to Her Highness at the same time.”
Lucy looked at her almost cold cup of tea. “I suppose I could see if we are invited to their holiday home again any time soon,” she reluctantly conceded.
“That is the spirit,” Lady Fitzgerald replied. “How would we go about seeing Her Highness again, then?”
Lucy paused. “I am not sure. I am not sure what the correct protocol is when one is not too close to a princess.”
Lady Fitzgerald rubbed her temples. “Do you know anyone who may be aware of the correct way of attempting to meet with a princess?”
“I suppose... Antoinette may know. After all, she says a European princess is very similar to a Duchess, so I suppose she ought to have some idea. Or perhaps she will even be close enough to invite us herself,” Lucy mused.
“That sounds most wonderful. We shall see Duchess Antoinette immediately after breakfast,” Lady Fitzgerald insisted.
Lucy felt a little more relaxed. Antoinette would be able to help her. Antoinette often had answers. And not just for matters such as “how to meet a princess,” but also for matters such as “how to prevent my mother from getting me to marry a prince.” Not that she felt too concerned that this would actually happen. She was confident that a prince would never take her. But she needed to stop her mother before their name was any further humiliated.
Antoinette was staying with her parents for a couple of days, along with little Alexander. Duke Perry was fortunately still absent. Antoinette's parents were busy spending a day fawning over their granddaughter. Lady Fitzgerald, herself a little broody, joined them, giving Lucy and Antoinette plenty of time to talk in private.
Lucy was not sure what to do in her circumstances. But Antoinette would be able to help.
“Your mother wants you to see Her Highness Elisaveta again, apparently,” Antoinette said.
Lucy nodded, then shook her head. “Well... yes, she does, and...”
“Do you not wish to see her?” Antoinette asked.
“It is not that at all!” Lucy insisted. “It is only... my mother wants me to get close to the princess so I can meet the prince.”
“For marriage purposes?” Antoinette asked.
Lucy nodded. “It seems as though every time I make a new friend, my mother has to try and make it into a courtship opportunity. All I wanted was to befriend Lord Jones and Her Highness, and now they are considered some sort of a path into marriage.”
“It is natural,” Antoinette said. “She just wants to protect you.”
“From what?” Lucy said, exasperated. “Currently she is making me a social disaster, a laughing stock. I am going to need protecting from her if she gets any worse.” She sank back into her chair and stared at the ceiling.
“I did not mean it in that sense. A lot of parents see their daughters as precious, as needing someone to watch over them. She wants you to marry a good man, so she can know that you will always have someone to watch over you, even after she is gone,” Antoinette explained.
“Antoinette... what if I did not wish to get married?” Lucy asked quietly. “At all. Ever.”
“You have said as much to me before,” Antoinette replied.
“But in earnest. Even if I were to meet the most perfect man, I would be afraid of marrying him.” Lucy stood up and walked to the window.
“I suppose I would be confused. After all, the most perfect man ought to be one worth marrying,” Antoinette said.
“But that is just it. Nobody is perfect. So even if I met someone who appeared perfect, I could not marry him. Especially if I met someone so perfect, actually, for it would be sure to be a lie.”
“Are you serious, then?” Antoinette asked. “You intend to miss out on all that marriage has to offer? On the safety, the love, the children?”
“If I must,” Lucy replied. “No deal is better than a bad deal, after all.”
Antoinette shook her head. “I simply find it hard to believe anyone would choose such a path. Especially someone who used to believe so wholeheartedly in marriage as you did.”
Lucy pursed her lips a little. “I was young then. And naïve. I am older now and I understand that the things I wanted are not real.”
“But some of them are, just not in the way you want them to be. Give it time,” Antoinette said.
“Everyone seems to assume I shall change my mind, but I personally doubt that I will,” Lucy explained. “I have given this some thought, and I need to stay away from men.”
“Even men like Lord Andrew Jones? You seemed quite partial to him. Perhaps a man like him would suit you well,” Antoinette replied.
Lucy thought this over. “No, because there is no way of being truly certain who you are marrying.”
“Then you ought to marry another cynic. Someone else who thinks like you do. Then you can both be straightforward and honest and have low expectations together,” Antoinette giggled a little.
“I had considered that,” Lucy replied, “but then I realized that if a man were to discover I intend to marry only another cynic, then he could pretend to be a cynic so as to marry me.”
“So you are not willing to consider a man like Lord Andrew Jones, because if you did he might start pretending to be a cynic, which you know he already is, to trick you into marrying, which neither of you want? Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?” Antoinette insisted.
Lucy scowled. “It is not ridiculous to be careful. What if Lord Jones will not marry me, but tells others that I would marry a cynic? And then someone comes to me pretending to be a cynic, marries me, and I live the rest of my life in misery?”
“You are overthinking,” Antoinette said with a slight chuckle.
Lucy sighed. “Perhaps so, but what else can I do? I do not want a life full of misfortune if I can avoid it. I want to marry for love, not be deceived.”
“You cannot truly plan for love, it just happens. And you cannot plan to avoid misfortune. Misfortune of all kinds of people, for all kinds of reasons. There are many misfortunes worse than an unhappy marriage,” Antoinette said.
“So are you saying I ought to marry this prince?” Lucy replied, walking back over to her seat.
Antoinette shook her head. “No. I am saying you ought to give him a chance.”
Lucy was about to sit down and reply when she heard a slight knock at the door. “I hope you are both well.” Like startled deer, the two women turned their heads suddenly upon the intruder.
It was Duke Perry. Lucy could feel her blood boiling just by laying eyes on him. It was some cruel twist of fate that her betrayer was married to her best friend. It was his fault she felt like this in the first place. It was his fault she could not believe in marriage. It was his fault she was suspicious of men.
“I hope you do not mind my presence,” Duke Perry said meekly.
Lucy stepped away from the chair, showing she was not going to sit back down. “I do,” she said bluntly.
“Come now, Lucy, don't be that way. We can have tea,” Antoinette replied.
“No, never mind,” Lucy said, “I shall be leaving shortly.” She glared at Duke Perry, who still seemed oddly sheepish.
“That's a shame,” Duke Perry replied. “I was coming in because you seemed friends with Lord Jones, who shall be visiting us soon for mid-morning tea and sandwiches.”
“Lord Andrew Jones?” Lucy asked, trying not to sound overly interested.
“You do not have to stay,” Duke Perry insisted. If any other man said that, Lucy would have assumed it was some crude manipulative tactic, a hint of sarcasm. But Duke Perry said it in all earnestness, as though she actually did wish to leave despite Andrew's impending arrival.
Lucy was torn. On the one hand it would be nice to wait and see Andrew, especially on her own terms again. Her mother would no doubt turn down mid-morning tea, as she was keeping her figure and playing with the baby. This would give Lucy plenty of time to talk with her friends.
But on the other hand, that would mean enduring Duke Perry's presence. And this was something she had experienced great difficulty with for the past two years. Ever since finding out about his deceit, she had done her best to avoid him. Had it been an option, she would never have seen him ever again. But she could not stay away from her friend. At first, she had only entertained Antoinette at her own home. Then she had stopped by for brief visits and left long before Duke Perry could even lay eyes on her. Then she had endured his presence at parties and balls. And bit by bit Duke Perry had crept back into the shadows of her life.
She could not understand how come he was so sheepish and shy after all he had done to her. If anything, being bold and brazen about his actions would be more forgivable. She may have been able to tolerate his presence if he bragged about how he nearly deceived her, how he could have wholly deceived her if he had not become a Duke. She could tolerate him if he were a dislikeable, obnoxious man.
As it stood he was just a wolf in sheep's clothing. He seemed so pleasant on the outside, so nice and tender. And yet he had completely and utterly betrayed her. She knew what he was capable of, what he was willing to do, and the face he wore in public in no way reflected the person she knew he was.
She knew he was cruel, that he had deceived her to get her wealth and cast her aside when she was no longer useful. And yet as he stood there in the doorway he was... strangely... likeable?
The thought struck her that maybe she had avoided him these last two years, not because she hated him, but because she still loved him.
Chapter 12
Lucy knew that staying would be risky. But now she had two reasons not to leave. Not only did she wish to see Lord Jones and speak to him again, but she also needed to work out what exactly, if anything, she still felt for Duke Perry.
She had stayed away from him for so long that she had never considered it, but she had been very deeply in love with him, and however painfully their courtship had ended, she had never stopped loving him until that day. And perhaps she had continued to love him even after that. She needed to at least know, for closure's sake.
“I suppose I ought to let bygones be bygones,” she said, trying not to sound too obvious. “And I do enjoy talking with Lord Jones.”
Duke Perry's face practically lit up with relief and joy. “You have no idea how happy that has made me,” he said.
“How come?” she asked.
“How come?” he echoed in what appeared to be shock.
She was taken aback by the contorted look on his face that fell between disappointment and surprise.
“Because for two whole years my wife and her best friend have had to keep apart for no reason other than me. And it has been hurting me so grievously to be the source of your separation and pain. It is a great relief that finally we can all be friends again. Thank you, Lucy, for this.”
Lucy’s heart swelled at Duke Perry’s words. Friends again. A familiar ache swirled in Lucy’s stomach. Guilt, perhaps? Brief flashes of her actions of late appeared before her eyes.
Antoinette stood up and embraced her friend. “Yes, Lucy, thank you. This is one of the most mature things you have ever done, and I am so proud of you.”
But Duke Perry's words were playing in her mind. Was it possible... Could he love her after all? Could it be that he had loved her, and had married Antoinette for some other practical reason? They seemed so happy together... and yet if he had feigned love and interest for Lucy, perhaps he was doing the same thing for her friend.
This was ridiculous.
Duke Perry was a married man. Lucy was just flattering herself. Or getting her hopes up. It was still not clear to her whether she still loved him. All she knew was that the possibility was very real. She had never had closure, she had never worked out what she did or did not feel for him. It had all ended in a flood of anger and tears, and then she had tried to block him from her life and her mind.
Following Duke Perry and Antoinette through to the drawing room, she eyed him up and down. He was definitely still handsome. But one could find a man handsome without loving him. This would be difficult to determine. But she needed to know whether she still had any feelings for him, and if she did, to trample them, so that they would never hurt her again.
Lord Jones arrived promptly after they were all seated. He looked dashing once again, with his hair impeccably combed back, a beautifully fitted coat and shirt, and expertly shined shoes. He looked like a man straight out of a painting, he was so clean and neat. And he smelled delightful. His presence alone reassured Lucy that she was at least able to find men besides Duke Perry attractive, whether she was still drawn to the Duke or not.
Lucy was pleased to discover that her mother had, as expected, skipped the offer of tea and sandwiches. This meant that not only would she be able to spend some time with her friends in peace, but she could perhaps venture into topics which her parents may have disapproved of.
After so many years in boarding school, where she was never in a position where she had to watch what she said or look out for her parents, it was somewhat stifling to be constantly watching her back now she was home. It was refreshing to be able to simply focus on her own interests.
At first, she avoided any talk of what had happened between herself and Duke Perry. But Lucy was sure that one could cut the tension with a knife. Both Duke Perry and Lord Jones were incredibly attractive men. And she had once loved Duke Perry, and was very close to Lord Jones. And neither was an option for marriage. It was like being in the middle of a bakery full of cakes when one was on a diet.
She longed for the intimacy and sensuality of marriage. She had seen Antoinette and Duke Perry exchanging affectionate glances and kisses. And she had seen Duke Haskett and Mary holding one another, kissing passionately, and touching one another sensually when they thought they were in private. Knowing that all that was out of her reach was a bitter torment to her, especially when she was sat at a small round table, with a handsome man at either side of her.
“I hear Thomas is marrying Julia, the poor fool,” Andrew said, sipping his tea. “Is that why he is absent?” In the presence of others she noticed there was a distinct coldness about him again. What had happened to the warmth she knew he held?
Antoinette nodded. “He is planning the wedding, yes. But they are very happy. I do not see why you should call him a fool.”
“He was in India just as I was,” Andrew replied with a shrug. “And Clara was quite incapable of remaining faithful that long.”
“I can assure you that Julia was faithful and patient. Let's not sully her name when she has made great sacrifices to remain true to her promises,” Antoinette insisted with a warning glare.
Andrew shook his head. “I do apologize. It is simply difficult for me to believe that a woman would be so kind to a man in his absence. It is not in my experience, at any rate. We give and give and you take and take, for all I have seen.”
“There are good women out there,” Antoinette replied.
“Yes, and they are all married, it seems,” Andrew said, sipping his tea some more. “What a man has to do to get such a woman is nothing short of ridiculous. I would rather be out on the Mission in India again than endure such games.”
“Women make our sacrifices and face our challenges too,” Antoinette insisted.
“I believe men get the worse deal by far,” he insisted. “All a woman has to do to get a decent man is... be there.”
>
“I suppose it depends on your definition of decent,” Lucy finally interjected. She was getting frustrated at how much pressure was being put on the female side of the equation. “Cause some men are definitely not worthy of marriage, yet expect a woman to be perfect.”
Again, she saw that flash of sincerity, of vulnerability, in Andrew's eyes. The mask fell slightly and he smiled softly. “It is not perfection to be loyal. It is simply decency.”
“Then perhaps decent men get decent women, and poorly behaved women get poorly behaved men,” Duke Perry said.
Andrew laughed. “In Clara's case? I do hope so. She deserves a taste of her own medicine.”
“I do not believe you would be saying such things if you had experienced what I did,” Lucy insisted.
Duke Perry looked sheepish again. And Lucy, despite herself, felt a sudden urge to comfort and reassure him, to let him know that she would not continue to judge him too harshly. She chastised herself. Nothing had changed. Just because she was forgiving his actions did not mean they had not happened, nor that he had made it up to her. She realized she truly did still love him.
Andrew nodded. “I think we have both experienced some dreadful things at the hands of the opposite sex, but I maintain that to be rejected is better than to be betrayed in your absence. Adultery is a worse sin than changing your mind.”
“Would it have hurt any less if she had told you?” Lucy said quietly.
Andrew paused. She could tell his heart was still as sore for Clara as hers was for Duke Perry. “Ah, but is this not the perfect opportunity to challenge our little theory?” Lord Jones asked, suddenly perking up. “We have both parties present, after all.”
Lucy felt a little uncomfortable. She still loved him. She had loved him these past two years. She could not attack him, even to defend herself.
“So, Duke Perry, Your Grace, what would you say to Lucy's accusation that you hurt her?” Andrew said.
Fortunately for Lucy, Duke Perry was just as uncomfortable about the situation as she was. He smiled and shrugged a little. “I suppose I did hurt her. I did not intend to, but I did.”