“Makes sense. You know I’m here for you when that time comes though.”
“I know, and I appreciate that. It’s just gonna be a fucking shit storm when it does happen.” I nodded and threw a combination at him to stop him thinking too hard. But he wasn’t wrong. The fallout with his Irish Catholic family would be fucking huge. All I could do was stand by him.
“So you gonna tell me who they guy is?” I asked him. He grinned that same smile that had been plastered all over my face since I first kissed Em. Whoever he was, Liam had fallen hard.
“I can’t. He doesn’t want people knowing, and I respect that. He’s fucking hot though.”
“Well, that narrows it down. We’re all fucking hot.”
“I’ve been looking at your ugly mugs every day since I was about twelve so I don’t see you that way. None of you,” he said, then paused. “And even if I did, you still wouldn’t be as hot as my guy.”
I rolled my eyes. Was I really that fucking cheesy about Em?
“You realize that Tommy is gonna claim that he’s the reason you turned.”
Liam shuddered before replying “I didn’t turn. I was born this way, and if I had ‘turned,’ Tom would be a pretty good reason to turn back.”
“I hear you,” I said with a chuckle.
“Earnshaw’s gunning for Tommy since he hooked up with his sister. I’ll piss myself laughing if he ends up trying it on with your man just to prove he’s still got it.”
“Tom ain’t gay,” Liam replied with a scowl.
“I don’t think that matters…he’d flirt with your guy just to fuck with you. He does it to me all the time.” Liam didn’t like the sound of that at all. Good. Maybe he wouldn’t find it so funny anymore when Tom was pressing my buttons. Apparently I’d pressed a wrong one of Liam’s. His jabs became heavier, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was gonna give me a pounding while he worked shit out in his head.
I moved my head from side to side and bounced as I shook out the tension. Bring it on. He wasn’t the only one who needed to dump shit in the ring. If I was ever in need of any therapy, this square of canvas gave it to me.
* * *
I stood in front of my locker, searching through hundreds of cans of deodorant to find that one that wasn’t empty, when my girl’s hands wrapped themselves around my damp, overheated body.
“You’ll get yourself all wet,” I warned, pulling her hands around tighter so that her front was flush against my back.
“That’s pretty much a given whenever you’re standing in front of me wearing only a towel,” she said quietly into my ear before nibbling lightly on the lobe. Instantly I was hard and desperately fighting the urge to turn her around, slam her against the lockers, and wrap those gorgeous legs of hers around my waist. I sang quietly to myself.
“What are you doing, O’Connell?” she asked me, and I could hear the confusion in her voice.
“I’m singing the Irish National Anthem.”
“Yes, I can hear that,” she replied, and I could hear the humor in her voice. “What I meant was, why?”
“I’m trying to get rid of my hard-on because I’m a stone’s throw away from fucking you against my locker. Or on my bench. Or in the shower. Shit,” I said and stopped talking to start singing again. After a moment of standing really still against me, she said,
“Maybe you should teach me the words too.”
Half an hour later, I at least had a barrier of clothes between us as we walked, hand in hand together, back to the flat.
“How did it go with your mum today?” I asked, trying to sound more casual than I actually felt.
“My bodyguard told you about that, did he?” she asked with a smile that told me she wasn’t bothered.
“Like you keep any secrets from me anyway,” I snorted.
“It was okay,” she said with a sigh that told me it absolutely wasn’t okay.
“It’s just she’s this person I don’t really know at all. She comes by the cafe now and then, and sometimes when I’m busy she just drinks her tea and leaves without even speaking to me. Lately she’s more like the person she was before dad died, but I’m not the little girl I was back then so she doesn’t get to be the mum she was either. I worry that I’m making a horrible mistake letting her back into my life.”
I held back on saying exactly what I thought of her mother and recited the national anthem in my head for different reasons. Turns out it kind of worked as a filter between my shitty temper and my big mouth. “Did she say why she acted the way she did for all those years?” I asked. In my mind, there was no reason on earth she could have for doing what she did to Em.
“She said that when Dad died, Frank was a shoulder to cry on. When she couldn’t find a way back from the depression he gave her something to take. Instantly it made everything, all the pain and grief, go away until she felt nothing at all. I guess eventually she became dependent on whatever he was supplying to keep her like a zombie. Once she was hooked, he convinced her to give up work and live off Dad’s life insurance money, and he moved in. The rest is history.”
“So Frank’s wife thinks, by telling you this, all will be forgiven, and she gets to be a mother again. I must have missed the part of that story which didn’t make her sound like a selfish bitch.” Shit. I needed to start singing the fucking national anthem again. My brain to mouth filter was broken. She shrugged, and I knew she was fighting the urge to defend her mum. It’s what I always did whenever anyone attacked her. Even if they were right.
“I didn’t know what to say to her either. She’s told me that she’s clean of whatever Frank was giving her now.”
“Put her in a room with my ma,” I told her. “They can have a pity party together.”
“It is true that we are the awesome product of really shitty stock. Well, half shitty. My dad was pretty amazing. He’d have loved you!”
“Really?” I asked sarcastically. “I hate to break it to you, Sunshine, because I know you love your dad. But I reckon I’m pretty much the embodiment of every father’s worst nightmare.”
She stopped dead in the street, across the road from the block of flats, and turned to me. “You saw me when very few people in this world did. You took care of me, protected me, and made me happy. You waited until I was ready for you. Well sort of, and you never pushed me into being something I’m not. You love me more than anyone else in the world, and you became a better man for it. What more could any man ever want for his daughter? I love you. Dad would have loved you, and if you ever think anything else, you’re an idiot.”
I smiled from ear to ear. This girl saw me with blinkers on her eyes. She was totally blind to the fact that any father would look at my tattoos, listen to me speak, and hear what I did for a living and wonder what he’d done that was so wrong that his daughter would pick this loser. It didn’t matter if that’s exactly what he would have thought though because she would have picked me anyway. Sunshine loved me forever and, whether or not I deserved that love, I never doubted it.
“Love, I’m your husband which pretty much means that the need to protect you is programmed into my DNA. Your mum hurt you badly, so it’s only natural that I want to protect you from that. But that don’t necessarily mean I’m right. If you think that building a relationship with your ma will make you happy, then I’ll be right behind you. I won’t be fucking happy if she hurts you again, but I’ll support you in whatever you decide. I’ll even try and be nice to her if you want me to.”
“Really?” she asked, her eyebrow raised in surprise.
“Hey, I can do nice!” I said, with a mock wounded expression. “And if I can’t be nice, I’ll be quiet,” I added as an afterthought.
“You don’t think there’s any chance of making up with your mum then? Even if she quits drinking,” she asked.
“Baby, that ship sailed the minute she tried to turn you against me. It’s nothing to do with the drinking. I’ve lost track of the number of treatment programs and detox ce
nters that I’ve gotten her into and she never saw them through, even when she showed up at all. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. She’s an addict, but that didn’t change the fact that she’s me ma and I loved her. But when she tried to take you from me, I knew for sure that she never loved me back.
“And you’re okay with that?” she asked.
“I found someone who puts me first and loves me with all her heart. I gained more than I lost,” I replied. “Sylvia only wanted to be a part of my life as long as she had something to gain from it. Your ma is telling you that she just wants to get to know you. Give it some time. She’ll either prove herself or condemn herself. Either way, you’ll never look back and wonder ‘what if.’”
* * *
Closing the door behind me, I turned her shoulders and walked her toward the bathroom.
“Come on. I’ll run you a nice, hot bath. With candles and that foamy shit you like.” She nodded and gave me a small, sad smile.
“You okay? I haven’t really asked how you’re doing with all this court stuff.”
“It’s been a rough couple of days. The court stuff’s been mostly procedural so far. It’s going to get rough when it comes to giving evidence because the defense will get to cross-examine me.”
Hearing shit like that made it hard for me not to punch a hole through the middle of the plasterboard.
“Seeing him though was the worst. I know he’s trying to catch my eye in the courtroom. I sit in the stalls with the guys around me and look anywhere but at him. I don’t want to give him any more power over me, you know?”
My fists clenched and released as I tried to let go of the stranglehold on my temple. Father Pat told me to make lists in my head, to focus on one thing, then move on to the next. Put the plug in the bath, add the foamy shit, turn on the taps.
Em stood before me, slowly getting undressed. Instead of thinking about how angry I was, I focused on how to take that sad look from her face. As the tiny room started filling up with the steam of the hot water, I grabbed her waist. Gently moving her body between my legs I swirled my tongue around that pink, teasing little nub. One hand drifted to massage the neglected breast, as the steam wound around us like a blanket.
She gasped as my tongue swirled around her nipple then flicked it back and forth. I knew by the spasm in her body that pleasure was going straight to her core. Swapping hands, I released one breast only to feast on the other.
I fucking burned to be inside her so bad. But this wasn’t about me. It was about taking Em away from that dark place and reminding her that she wasn’t alone. Rising up, I lifted her to sit on the sink. Her hands gripped it to brace herself, and her feet rested on either side of me on the edge of the tub. That was a testament to how small the bathroom was. I sat back down and kissed my way from her ankle all the way to her clit. Swirling around it with my tongue, I teased and teased her closer and closer to the edge of orgasm then brought her back down again. When I knew that every bit of her undivided attention was focused on me, I slid one finger gently inside her warm, wet pussy and carried on licking.
“Jesus, O’Connell. Don’t stop please.” she begged me. My answer was to slide a second digit in to her tight little hole. She moaned as my momentum increased. Thrusting her pelvis toward me, I could feel from the slight tightening and tremor around my fingers just how close she was to coming. When she was almost there, I scissored my fingers gently inside her, took her clit between my lips and sucked. Arching her spine she threw her head back in overwhelming pleasure. The sight of her coming, clenching and tightening around my fingers as she tried to milk a cock that wasn’t there, blew me away. This wasn’t just sex, it was making love. Both of us knew the difference.
“I think I broke my spine,” she told me with a slight giggle. I lifted her off the sink onto wobbly legs.
“How d’you feel?” I asked, before nibbling gently on her ear.
“Loved up. Very, very, very loved up,” she told me, kissing her way across my jaw until finally pressing a kiss to my lips. Grabbing her head, I kissed her harder, pulling her warm, naked body hard against my clothed one. My dick pressed painfully against her but I ignored it. She needed that to get rid of the stress and relieve some pressure, and I made sure my girl got what she needed. I always would.
“I’m desperate to return the favor, you know that, right?” she asked.
“I know, Sunshine. But with blue balls is my favorite way to train,” I assured her with a wink. Yanking my T-shirt over the top of my head, I pulled the warm fabric down over her. It swamped her as always but I took comfort seeing her wrapped in something of mine and covered in my scent. As I carried her to bed, I thought about all the dark shit behind us and everything we had yet to face but then I focused on the fact that Em would spend the whole of the next day with me. When you find yourself fighting a battle that might consume you, you have to take the small victories where you find them.
Pounding the London streets at 6 a.m. on a dark winter’s morning would seem like most people’s idea of hell. I loved it. There was an energy about this city, kind of like an electric pulse that made everything feel alive and connected. But I fucking loved Ireland too. Killarney was maybe the most beautiful place I’d ever seen, but this city had been my home for most of my life. As I thumped one heavy foot in front of the other, I realized that I loved it because London at this hour of the day was so very different to the one people thought they knew. Shopkeepers, bakers, and tradesmen that I passed on my daily route waved and called out words of encouragement. There was a camaraderie among the morning crowd that made me feel like I belonged.
I pulled open the door of the gym just as a light rain started to fall. No matter how early I arrived, Danny was always there first. He was just putting on his coat when I arrived. Sometimes I wondered if he slept here.
“You off for breakfast?” I asked him.
“Same as I do every morning.” He huffed at the stupid question it was. Danny was a man of routine.
“Take an umbrella,” I warned him. “It’s just starting to rain.”
“Do I look like I own a feckin’ umbrella?” he barked, tucking his scarf into his long coat and donning his flat cap.
“What’s got into you today?” I asked him. Danny was the crankiest fucker I ever met but he was in a special mood today.
“Did you see that sky this morning? Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Red sky in the morning, shepherd’s warning.” That sky was redder than I’ve ever seen it until those black clouds rolled it. It’s gonna be a bad feckin’ day. I feel it in my bones,” he informed me, lighting up his cigarette and shivering a little.
“Don’t be so superstitious. It’s gonna be a great day,” I answered him with a grin. My girl was going to be by my side all day today. When we were together, everything was good.
“Pisses me off when you’re feckin’ cheerful at this hour of the mornin’. At least before you got married, you were too hungover to get on my nerves.” I laughed at that.
“Yeah, ’cause me showing up half-baked for training cheered you up no end.”
After a pause he looked at me. “You’re right. You’ve always pissed me off in the mornings. Maybe by this afternoon, I’ll warm up to you. Now you know the routine. All circuits, no bag work until I get back. Most of the guys are working today so Earnshaw’s on point. Don’t give him shit ’cause I ain’t in the mood.”
“Don’t stress it,” I reassured him. “Didn’t you hear? We’re friends now.”
“That mean you’re not going to knock him out again?”
“Maybe,” I answered with a grin, which at least got a chuckle out of him.
“Get to work you, cheeky fecker,” he told me, still smiling.
He let the heavy door close behind him, and I looked around the empty room. Like London first thing in the morning, this place had its own special energy at this time of day. Since I met Em and quit drinking, it became the best time to work things through.
> It was crazy how excited I was having Sunshine with me for the whole day. Some arsehole told me once that the bloom would fade from the rose soon enough, and after a couple of years of marriage, we wouldn’t be able to stand each other. Kieran convinced me not to smack him, because the man was in seventies and Em wouldn’t like it. Also he’d be dead soon anyway.
I think the fundamental problem was that people didn’t understand Em and me. They saw two horny, impetuous kids with no money who’d rushed into marriage and who’d regret it later. Fuck most people. We’d been through more shit than most people went through in their whole life. There was a billion-to-one chance of us finding each other, and now that we had, there was no fucker on this earth who was separating us. Let them try.
Old men in pubs sounding off about how love fades don’t know shit. The bloom fades because you fucking let it. You take your woman for granted, you become complacent with your lot in life, and that’s when you stand to lose the best thing you never knew you had. My wife was the center of my fucking universe. If that ever changed, I deserved to lose her.
Only I knew better. That would never change. When Em finally met her maker, I’d be right behind her, scorching the earth behind me. We were for life. As I contemplated this, she walked through the door carrying coffee and a box of pastries and wearing one of my hoodies. That right there made my morning. “Hey, baby, how’s the training going?”
“Better now you’re here,” I called out.
“How many you up to?” she asked about the number of press-ups I’d done.
“I don’t keep count,” I told her. “Only Danny does that. I just keeping going until I can’t lift my arms.” Flipping onto my back, I beckoned her over for a kiss then swapped the press-ups for sit-ups. The view was better. Earnshaw chose that moment to walk in through the door.
“Hey, part-timer”
“Fuck you. It’s still the arsecrack of dawn as far as I’m concerned, and the States are five hours behind us. So when you’re at home with your feet up, I’m making magic happen.”
The Aftermath Page 12