by Joy Redmond
Abbie wanted to play with the girls, and they dressed her up, makeup and all. Mandy snapped picture after picture. She wanted to capture every moment and every move. She wanted the weekend to last forever. Don and Daddy spent a lot of time outside talking. A couple times, Don came inside, left Daddy outside, and he wiped away tears, but Mandy didn’t question.
Sunday afternoon, after they had finished a late lunch, they gathered in the living room and Daddy said, “Kids, Pappaw has to go home.” He hugged Kati and Tony, then he picked up Abbie, kissed her cheek and stood her on the floor. “I’ll be back to see ya, real soon.”
He hugged Danny and Darla, “I know you live way down in Tennessee, but I might be able to come for a visit now and then.”
Daddy hugged Don. “It’s so good to see you, son. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t deserve it.”
“I’m working hard on forgiving you, Daddy. But it’s going to take a long time,” Don answered.
“I understand, son. That’s good enough,” Daddy answered.
Daddy hugged Mandy. “I’ll be seein’ ya soon, Punkin. Thanks for putting up with your ol' man.”
“It won’t be soon enough, Daddy. Please don’t break your promise this time. Please come back.”
Daddy shuffled his feet and jiggled change in his pockets. “I guess I need to tell you kids that I finally divorced Ellie. I won’t go into details. I’ll just say I had all I could stand. And here’s the kicker—I remarried two weeks ago. Your new stepmother’s name is Cheryl. She’s a good woman and she’s helping me get my life together. I’d like to bring her with me when I come back.”
“Absolutely, Daddy! I’d like to meet her. I can already tell how much you’ve changed. She must be some woman to change you, you old devil.” Mandy hugged him again.
Daddy shook hands with Billy. “You be good to my little girl. Or you’ll answer to me!”
“I’ll do my best. I don’t think I’d want to go a round with you,” Billy answered. They both laughed.
Mandy walked Daddy to his car. “Er, I hate to bring up a touchy subject, but I was wondering if you know where Emily is? I miss that little baby, though I know she’s a grown woman now.”
Daddy tucked his head and wiped his eyes. “I miss her, too, Punkin. I don’t know where she is. She was adopted by people who lived in Indianapolis at the time. I don’t know if she’s still there or not. I often drive down the streets, and if I see a woman with blonde hair, I wonder if it’s her. But I did her a favor. I let her have a good mother and daddy, which she wouldn’t have had with me and Ellie. We aren’t fit parents. We kept Eddie, Paul, and Wynonna, but they’re mad at me for divorcing Ellie. I see them from time to time. Someday they’ll grow up and understand and forgive me. I hope.” He stood there with his hands at his side, the years showing on his face and body.
Mandy understood all too well what he meant about life being a series of twists and turns. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I know all about divorces and split families. It’s hard. Just come back as soon as you can. And if you can talk my three siblings into coming with you, I’d love to see them.”
“I’ll do my best, Punkin. I’m glad to see that you’re happy with this husband.”
Mandy merely nodded and Daddy got into his car. She watched as he drove away, but she didn’t cry.
Soon after Daddy left, Don announced that he and his family had to get on the road too. They all hugged, said their goodbyes and promised to stay in touch.
The house seemed so empty when just a few hours ago, it rang with life and laughter and love. Mandy felt as if her heart had gone out the door behind Daddy, her brothers, niece and nephews. She consoled herself by remembering their promises to come back.
She turned to Billy. “I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. You were kind to my family and you stayed sober. Thank you so much!” She hugged him tightly and she felt his tears drop onto her cheeks and mix with her own.
He spent all his booze money for pizza. He had no choice. Don’t be stupid, Mandy.
I hear ya, Nikko. I guess I just wanted so badly to believe he sobered up for me and my family.
After that day, Lee and his family came to see Mandy every other weekend. Daddy came to see them every three months. His wife, Cheryl was a wonderful woman, and Mandy loved her at first sight. Daddy was a changed man because of her.
As the next year rolled on by, Billy drank more and worked less. He only worked the graveyard shift, three nights a week, and he spent most of his paycheck on booze. Mandy found hidden bottles all over the house. When she confronted him, swinging a bottle in his face, he merely sneered and left the house. She felt alone and broken-hearted, but didn’t know what to do, or who to talk to.
It was mid-January and Billy left for work at 11 pm, and Mandy was glad to see him leave. Mandy went to bed at midnight, hoping she could sleep, but it was impossible, her mind a thousand thoughts and worry. The verbal abuse aimed at her and the children weighed heavy on her mind, and the worry over bills stole her peace of mind. Insomnia became her bed partner.
She had just dozed off when she heard loud footsteps coming down the hallway. She shot up in bed, looking for something to use for a weapon when Billy came into the bedroom. “Shit, Billy! You scared me to death. What are you doing back home at this hour?”
Billy walked across the floor, sat on the bedside, hung his head, then he broke down into hard sobs.
“What’s wrong?” Mandy asked, reaching up to pat his arm.
“I hate that sonofabitch!” he yelled. He jumped up, walked across the floor and punched the wall with his fist, leaving a dent in the drywall.
“Have you lost your mind? Don’t start yelling and punching. You’ll wake up the kids. What sonofabitch are you talking about?”
“That sonofabitch who started working with me about a month ago. He hates me and he’s been out to get me from day one. Well, tonight he reported me to the supervisor, and I got fired! I’ll kill him! I swear, I will.” He kicked the nightstand and knocked over the lamp that was sitting on top.
Mandy jumped out of bed. “Billy, you better calm down, or I’ll knock you over the head with this lamp,” she said as she picked it up from the floor. “Why did you get fired?”
“I didn’t get three couplings on tight enough between cars. That sonofabitch called the supervisor and told him that I was too drunk to do my work. The super came over, inspected my work, then fired me on the spot!” Billy was so angry, Mandy could see several veins standing ridged in his forehead.
“You smell like a brewery. But you’re not drunk, are you? ” Mandy said with thick sarcasm.
“No! I’m not drunk! I keep a pint in my jacket pocket and I take a nip now and then so I can stay warm. Do you have any idea how cold it gets out there on those railroad tracks in the middle of winter? My hands were cold and stiff and I couldn’t get the couplings in. The supervisor could smell my breath since it was coming out in rolling smoke in the cold air. He wouldn’t listen to me. I tried to tell him—”
“Shut up, Billy! You’re never drunk! Even when you can’t stand up. Even when you call me every vile name you can think of. Even when you talk to the kids as if they were stray dogs—you’re not drunk! Just get out of my sight!” She threw a pillow at him. “Sleep it off on the couch. If you come near me, I’ll gut you!”
“Fuck you!” Billy picked up the pillow and threw it back at Mandy. He stomped up the hallway. Then Mandy heard the back door slam.
“Lord, help me, Jesus! Now, how are we going to survive? I hope he falls down in a snow bank and freezes.”
She pulled the blankets around her, buried her face in the pillow and cried.
As she reached up to wipe her tears, she felt gentle, warm arms enfolding her tiny body. Warmth and love flowed through her. Then she caught a faint scent of roses.
Lead me onward, Mama.
She fell into a deep sleep.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Mandy muddled through the days, tak
ing care of the children and filling out insurance forms, feeling as if her life was never going to get any better. She took the forms to Dr. Morgan’s office every Friday and collected her cash. There’s no way I can keep the bills paid. But I’ll have food for the kids, she thought as she clutched the money.
Billy had been gone for a week, and Mandy hoped he wouldn’t come back. Whoever you’re with, just stay with her. Maybe she can put up with your drunk ass.
Kati and Tony came through the front door, just as Mandy had rocked Abbie to sleep.
“Where’s Billy, Mama?” Tony asked.
“Who cares? I hate him and I hope he never comes back here,” Kati said.
“That’s what I was gonna say, Kati! I’m sick of him. I don’t like the way he talks to Mama and I’m tired of him talking to us like we don’t have good sense. He makes me feel like I’m stupid. I’ve had enough of him.”
Just as Tony finished his sentence, Mandy saw Billy’s car pull up the driveway. “Go to your rooms, kids. Here, Kati, take Abbie,” she said, handing the sleeping baby over. “I’ll handle this.”
Mandy heard the garage door opening. “I should have taken the garage opener and the house keys,” she mumbled as she squared her shoulders. Maybe he’ll just take his stuff and get out. I’m so tired of fighting with men.
Billy walked into the living room. “Mandy, please don’t start yelling at me. I know I screwed up and I admit I have a drinking problem. I’ve been with Mom and Dad all week. I haven’t had a drink in five days. I went to my first AA meeting last night. Dad said if I keep going to meetings, he’ll give me a job driving a grain truck for him. I start work tomorrow. It’s long hard hours, but at least I’ll have a warm cab to sit in during the winter and I won’t freeze like I did out on the railroad. The pay is good. Please, please give me another chance. If I relapse, then kick my sorry ass out. I won’t even protest. I’m sorry for what I’ve put you and the kids through.” He sank down on the couch and cried.
“Billy, how many times have I heard this speech? How many times have I watched you pour your booze down the drain, swearing on everything holy that you’ll never drink again? The next day, you restock, and you’re off on a binge. Kati and Tony loved you more than their own daddy for a long time. They can’t stand you now. We’re all sick of you.” Mandy stood her ground, staring at him, her hands on her hips.
“But I’m in AA now. I never did get help before. I finally admitted that I’m an alcoholic. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Maybe,” Mandy said. “But this is your last chance. I swear on everything holy. I don’t go back on my promises!”
Kati and Tony came into the living. Billy hugged them, told them he loved them and asked if they’d give him another chance to make things right. They looked at Mandy. Mandy nodded, and they both said, “Just one more time.”
For the next two months, Billy attended AA, he stayed sober and he handed Mandy cash every payday. Mandy got caught up with the bills, she stocked the pantry to overflowing with groceries, and she stashed a few dollars in her sock drawer, along with the cash that Dr. Morgan gave her.
March arrived, and spring was in the air. Home life was good once more.
The first day of April, Mandy was in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, when Billy came through the back door and staggered into the kitchen. “Don’t start with your mouth, you smartass bitch!” He yelled, pointing his index finger in Mandy’s face. “Dad fired me. He accused me of drinking on the job, so I might as well do what I’d been accused of. I had a drink. I needed one before I could come home and face you.” He sneered at her, his face contorted from the alcohol.
Mandy opened every cabinet door in the kitchen. Then she grabbed and threw dishes, bowls, glasses, and anything that would break. Billy was dodging as things were hurled toward him.
Abbie starting screaming.
Tony ran into the kitchen, picked up his little sister and took her out of harm’s way.
Kati came into the kitchen. She stood with her hands on her hips and yelled, “Hit him, Mama. Cut him up!”
Billy lumbered toward Kati and reached for her and Mandy’s blood began to boil as she picked up a butcher knife. Just as Billy grabbed Kati’s arm, Mandy whacked him across the wrist with the sharp blade. “You take your hands off my daughter, or I’ll cut your damn hand off!”
“You crazy bitch!” Billy yelled as he grabbed the dish towel off the oven door and wrapped it around his bleeding wrist. “You’ve lost your damn mind!” He walked out the back door and stood in the garage and pulled the towel tighter around his wrist.
Mandy dropped the butcher knife just as Tony ran across the kitchen floor, out the door to the garage, and she heard him yell, “I hate you, you asshole!”
Mandy hurried behind her son and called out, “Tony, come back inside, I’ll—”
Before she finished her sentence, Billy picked up a board and whacked Tony across the back.
Mandy hurried down the two steps, squatted down and picked up a monkey wrench that Billy had dropped by the back door. She hurled it through the air, clipping Billy’s head. “I’ll kill you, you drunk bastard! You don’t touch my kids!”
Billy held his head and ran for his pickup truck. He opened the door and slid under the steering wheel. He started the engine, then yelled out of the window. “This ain’t over, bitch! I’ll be back!”
“Get out of the truck, now, you chicken shit sonofabitch! Let’s finish this,” Mandy yelled.
Billy drove off and Mandy came back inside. She pulled a chair from the kitchen table and sank her trembling body into it. “Dear, God. What did I just do in front of my children? What kind of a mother acts like that around her kids? Have I lost my mind?”
We kicked ass, Mandy. We did what we had to do. Don’t start being a titty-baby.
Kati and Tony walked up beside their mother, put their arms around her, kissed her cheeks, and Kati said, “You did what you had to do to protect us. He was going to hurt me, and he did hurt Tony.”
Tony said, “He didn’t hurt me all that bad. That was a thin board. I’d been using it to block my bike since the kickstand broke. Thank you for whipping his butt, Mama.”
Abbie came into the kitchen, sucking her bottle. She climbed into Mandy’s lap and Mandy held her tightly as she swayed her body back and forth. Soon, Abbie was sound asleep. “Poor little baby,” she whispered. “Mama scared you half to death. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.” Tears rolled as she carried Abbie to her bed. Her entire life was her children; they gave her breath and determination to carry on day by day and she would give her life for them. She would kill for them and the next time he tried to hurt her kids, she may very well stick that knife in his heart.
The next day, Mandy filed for divorce and she took out a restraining order. She told the lawyer to have the sheriff’s department deliver them to Billy’s parents’ house.
Billy didn’t contest the divorce and he didn’t bother Mandy, and didn’t even try to see Abbie.
Mandy heard through the grapevine that he had gone back to work for his dad and he was living with his parents.
July 21st, 1974, the divorce was finalized. Abbie was only three-years old, and she didn’t seem to realize that her daddy wasn’t around.
Mandy stood in front of the mirror over the dresser in her bedroom. “Well, Nikko. We’ve got two bad marriages behind us. With the money I made and the money I had stashed, we made it for the past three months. The stash has been used. I don’t make enough to totally support the kids, even with child support, which I seldom get from Jack, and the twenty a week that Billy was ordered to pay won’t keep us afloat. Now what?”
It’s back into Hodge Bondage, Nikko said.
“I guess so. But Daddy’s visits are the glue that holds me together. They give me strength to hold on and not cave. I can’t believe after all these years, we have Daddy back. We’ve had him for two years now. As for Iris and Otis, I’m sure they’ll be here before the day
is over. My divorce was posted in the paper.”
“Mommy, Mommy,” Abbie said as she ran into the room and held up her arms.
Mandy picked her up and held her in front of the mirror. “Who’s that?” she asked, tapping her finger on the mirror on Abbie’s reflection.
“Abbie!” she squealed.
“That’s right. Who’s that?” she asked, tapping the mirror on her reflection.
“Mommy!” she cried and hugged Mandy around the neck. “I hungy,”
“Well, come little darling. Mommy will fix you some pancakes.” She carried Abbie into the kitchen, pulled a stool up to the counter, and said, “You can help Mommy.”
Just as the batter was ready to pour on the griddle, Kati and Tony came into the kitchen, rubbing their eyes. “Have a seat, kids. I’ll have your breakfast ready in a minute. Kati, will you please pour four glasses of milk? We’ll have breakfast together.”
As soon as Kati and Tony finished eating, they dressed and hurried off to play with their friends, and Mandy called after them. “You kids behave. I don’t need any confrontations with mad mamas of the neighborhood.”
Mandy cleaned up the kitchen while Abbie watched cartoons, then she sat down at the typewriter. She stuck in an insurance form. She had just typed a patient’s name when she heard, “Amanda! Where are you?”
“I’m coming, Mother.”
She walked into the living room and Iris was standing in the foyer, her feet apart, as if she were a boxer ready to spar. Iris waved a newspaper in the air. “Is this how we have to find out what’s going on with you? Do you know how embarrassed we are? Why didn’t you come to us and tell us what you were going to do? I just—” Mandy saw the ever present tic in the corner of one of her eyes and sighed.
“I know, Mother, You just don’t think you can hold your head up in public because of your no-good daughter. I didn’t tell you that I had filed for divorce because I didn’t want to hear a sermon and threats, and watch the boo-hoos. That’s why I don’t tell you and Dad anything.”