Belonging

by Alexa Land

  A group of people came into the apartment, and Miles shrieked, “Mona Lange! Look at you girl, you look gorgeous!” To us he said, “Excuse me, won’t you? The bar is set up in the library. See you later, Yoshiro.” He grinned at my friend before breezing away to suck up to the soap opera actress and her entourage. Ugh.

  “Why does Miles have a library?” I whispered as we made our way through the big living room. “I’ll bet the only thing he reads are gossip magazines, and then only if he’s in them.”

  Yosh chuckled and said, “If only you didn’t like him.”

  “He’s a vacuous doucheberry.”

  “You’re not wrong.”

  “I just don’t get it,” I said. “He’s not even your type! You’re all about beefy jocks, not pretty boys.”

  “Honestly? I don’t know what it is about him. I totally get that he just uses me for sex, and I even get that he’s kind of a jerk. But then, I get a booty call from him and my rational brain clicks off.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “It wouldn’t be so bad if I was just using him for sex, too. I really wish I could develop a totally cavalier attitude about it, like he has.”

  “But that’s not you.”

  “It should be, though,” Yosh said, pushing his hair back from his eyes as he turned to face me in the hallway. “It’s stupid that I’ve gotten attached to him, and it’s pathetic that I sit around waiting for him to text me, especially because I know how it’ll turn out if he does.”

  “And now here you are, at a party in his apartment.”

  “But we’re only here so you can get in the pants of your celebrity crush.”

  “If Jax even shows up, if he’s gay, and if he finds me even remotely appealing. That’s a lot of ifs. You and I would have been better off going to a club tonight.”

  “I’m so over the club scene. I’ve been over it since I was twenty-five, and now I’m thirty. Can we please just never go to a club again? I’m starting to feel like a chaperone.”

  “Oh man, this is a sad, sad state of affairs.”

  “What is?”

  “You feel old, I think I’m about to have a midlife crisis because I’m turning thirty, we’re both single, and we’re in the apartment of a total doucheberry so I can try to hit on some celebrity I’ve had a crush on since I was a teen,” I told Yosh. “At what point do we give up, buy a condo together and spend the rest of our lives on the couch with a dozen cats, watching reruns of the Golden Girls?”

  “Well, now we can never give up, not if that’s what’s waiting for us!”

  “Really, though. This is all more than a little discouraging.”

  “It doesn’t have to be,” he said. “We can have fun tonight. I’ll find someone to hit on that isn’t Miles, you’ll work your magic on Jax, and the cats and Bea Arthur can get pushed to the back burner.”

  “Come on. I really need to drink all of Harken’s liquor.”

  Miles had in all likelihood told the bartenders to set up in that room simply to show off the fact that he had a library. I was willing to bet he’d never even read any of the books that lined the mahogany shelves. When I whispered that to Yosh and he disagreed with me, I said, “Watch.”

  I randomly pulled a copy of Great Expectations off the shelf beside me and opened it. The stiff, never-before-handled binding crackled in my hand and I chuckled as I slid it back in place. “See? It’s a prop. His real library is probably a stack of gossip magazines with his face on the cover next to the shitter.”

  I felt a hand on my lower back just then and a deep voice said, “I know for a fact that Miles read the Cliff’s Notes for Great Expectations when he was up for the role of Pip a few years back. He was already in his twenties by that point, so it’s probably good he didn’t get the part.” I turned to look into Jason Jax’s amused brown eyes, and my heart did a flip-flop in my chest.

  “He usually does get cast in much younger roles, though,” Yosh said as I tried to pull together a shred of composure.

  “He does, and it’s weird. I was only twelve years older than him when I played his dad on Randall’s Ridge. Explain that one.” Jason was still looking at me, and flashed a dazzling smile before adding, “I’m sorry to interrupt you and your boyfriend, by the way. I just thought that was funny with the book. I think we’re all meant to be impressed by this library.”

  “Oh, he’s not my boyfriend. We’re both single. And gay. Just FYI,” my friend blurted. I shot him a look but Yosh ignored it. Just then the people ahead of us at the bar cleared out, and my friend executed a pivot and hip check worthy of an NBA player. It put him out of the way and pushed me right up against Jason Jax, all in one smooth move.

  “Can I buy you a free drink?” Jason asked as I quickly stepped back from him.

  “Sure, thanks,” I mumbled.

  “What would you like?”

  “Oh...um....” Those brown eyes were focused on me like a laser. My mind completely went blank. It was just absolutely surreal to be standing inches away from Jason Jax. Jason freaking Jax! He needed an answer though, or else he was going to think I was a complete moron. I blurted, “Beer?” Ugh, I hated beer. Why did I say that?

  “Two beers and whatever our friend is having,” he told the bartender, then melted her into a puddle by unleashing that smile. I wondered if she even heard Yosh’s order, since she actually got giggly and almost knocked over some glasses. That made me feel a bit better. Jason Jax was probably used to people acting totally star-struck when they met him, so maybe I wasn’t coming across as stupidly as I feared. Well, okay, I was, but maybe he was used to idiots.

  When he handed me the beer, he said, “I didn’t catch your name.”

  “Gianni.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Gianni. You too, friend of Gianni,” he said to Yosh. “I’d better get back to our host, I made a beeline for the bar as soon as I walked in the door. Bad form, I know.” His gaze lingered on me for a moment before he turned and left the library.

  “Holy crap,” I mumbled after he’d gone. “Did that really just happen? And if so, on a scale of one to Kardashian, how dumb did I seem?”

  Yosh grinned at me. “You were clearly awe-struck, but I’m sure he’s used to that.”

  “That’s just what I was thinking, that people must fall over themselves all the time around him.”

  “Throwing yourself at him wasn’t even required, he’s totally into you,” Yosh said as we left the library. The bartender had managed to give him the right drink, a jack and diet Coke, which was what I usually ordered when my brain cells were functioning.

  “What are you basing that on?”

  “The way he stared at you. He also asked your name and made a point of finding out if you and I were dating.”

  “That was super smooth, by the way. ‘We’re both single and gay.’ Thank you for that, match-dot-com.”

  “Just trying to be helpful.”

  When we returned to the living room, we ended up chatting with a group of guys that Yosh knew a little. Jason Jax was all the way across the room, sitting with Miles and a couple older men. Every ninety seconds or so, someone would come up to Jason and introduce themselves. At least half the time, they asked to take a selfie with him. He remained cheerful and charming throughout all of that, even though it had to get old.

  More than once, he looked up and caught me staring at him. It always resulted in him smiling at me across the room. “He’s so into you,” Yosh whispered when he noticed that.

  “If he was, he’d come talk to me,” I countered.

  “He can’t, he’s busy holding court. His adoring public demands his attention.”

  Maybe an hour later, I excused myself and went in search of the bathroom. The one in the hall was occupied, so I moved on to one attached to a guest room. After using the facilities and washing up, I spent a couple extra minutes in there, staring at myself in the mirror and trying to give my reflection a pep talk. It didn’t work.

  I wanted to slip Ja
son my number, but I just couldn’t do it. He had to make the first move. I was always like that. I figured if someone was interested in me, they’d do something about it. I wanted a partner that would take control, even right at the outset by showing they wanted me.

  When I finally left the bathroom, I almost collided with Jason. I drew in my breath, stepping back quickly as he exclaimed, “Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  “It’s okay,” I murmured. “I just didn’t expect anyone to be there.”

  I noticed that the bedroom door was closed and he said, “This must seem really creepy. Sorry. I just wanted a moment alone with you so I could give you this.” He handed me a business card with a number handwritten on the back. “You’re incredibly beautiful, Gianni, and I’d love to get to know you, but I’m not exactly out. I know it’s stupid to ask you to sneak around just because I have to, but if the thought of being discrete isn’t totally off-putting, would you come to my hotel tonight?”

  “I...um....” Shit. I’d gone all deer-in-headlights again.

  “I’m staying in the presidential suite at the Imperial. If you decide you want to come by, text me and I’ll send my assistant downstairs to let you up. You need a key for the elevators.”

  “Thanks, but I’m not really into one-night stands.”

  “This doesn’t have to be a one-night stand.” I’d been looking at the floor, but I glanced up at him and raised an eyebrow. He gave me a sweet smile and said, “I meant it when I said I’d love to get to know you. In case you’re wondering, I’m not constantly slipping my number to sexy boys at parties. Part of being discrete means being highly selective. I’m attracted to you and I’d love to see where this leads.”

  I watched him for a long moment, and he smiled at me sweetly. I wanted him, but I was nervous, too. Was he someone I could trust?

  Jax did exactly the right thing then. He stepped forward and drew me into a hug. My arms went around him automatically. Jason felt solid and strong, and I melted into him. “Give me a chance,” he said. “Come to my hotel tonight. We won’t do anything you don’t want to.”

  “Okay,” I whispered. He tilted my chin up and kissed me. It was surprisingly forceful, as if he was staking a claim, and it left me reeling.

  “I’m going to leave first. We don’t want to start any rumors.” Jason winked at me and added, “I’m looking forward to tonight, Gianni. See you soon.” He closed the door behind him when he left the room.

  I dropped onto a corner of the mattress and tried to process what had just happened. I was actually shaking a little. Part of it was that I was so star-struck that it made my nerves kick into high gear. But the rest was in response to that kiss. Clearly, Jason Jax was used to being in charge. That was what I always thought I wanted from a lover, someone who’d take control.

  It frightened me a little, though. He said we’d only do what I wanted when I went to his hotel, but I wasn’t that naïve. I understood there were certain expectations. People like Jason (and for that matter, most of my former lovers) only had one use for a boy like me. They kept me around as long as I gave them what they needed. I wondered if this time, I’d be asked to give more than I could handle, judging by how demanding that kiss had been.

  But I needed this. I needed Jason, or someone like him, someone who’d take care of me. The price in return was my body, I understood that. It was a price I’d paid willingly, more than once. It was all I had to give.

  I got up and returned to the bathroom, where I carefully finger-combed my black hair, taking a few deep breaths to try to relax. The eyes staring back at me in the mirror were a little too fearful and uncertain, so I worked on pulling up a neutral expression. Finally, I straightened my clothes, making sure my black leather jacket and the indigo blue dress shirt were both perfect. I was really good at creating a veneer of confidence. I’d had a lot of practice.

  When I finally returned to the party, Yosh was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Miles. Damn it. I’d been gone for what, fifteen minutes? I checked the library and the kitchen, then went back to the living room. I noticed Jason and the couple men that had been sitting with him were gone, too.

  Finally, an incredibly guilty-looking Yoshi emerged from the hall on the far left of the apartment, the one leading to the master bedroom. Damn. It. He came right over when he spotted me and said, “I know. Can we go?”

  “Shit,” I muttered as we cut through the foyer. Once we were alone on the elevator, I asked, “How did this happen?”

  “Miles cornered me in the kitchen and started kissing my neck. I just dissolved. Three minutes later I was in his bedroom sucking him off.” I bounced the back of my head off the wall of the elevator as he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He’s such a tool. Why can’t I just tell him to go fuck himself?”

  “I wish I knew.”

  “I really believed I was stronger than this. I thought I could go to that party and act all cool and indifferent and beat him at his own game. I was totally wrong.” I took his hand and Yosh held on tightly as we stepped out of the elevator and crossed the opulent lobby.

  “I knew coming here was a bad idea. I should have talked you out of it.”

  “It’s not your fault,” he said, “it’s mine.”

  “Whatever. I still should have stopped you.”

  “I’m so totally done making that same mistake over and over and then hating myself afterwards. That was the last time. I’m starting a twelve-step program. All twelve steps are the same: staying the fuck away from Miles Harken.”

  “Good plan.”

  “Do you want to go somewhere and have a drink?” Yosh asked. “I really don’t feel like going home yet.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Just not a club or a pick-up joint, okay? That’s the last thing I need right now.”

  We ended up going to Nolan’s, a friendly neighborhood bar and grill that was owned by a gay couple who were friends of friends. Jamie, one of the co-owners, greeted us warmly and showed us to a comfortable booth. We chatted for a few minutes, and he showed me a picture of his baby, a gorgeous little girl with big blue eyes. He was so proud.

  When Jamie went off to seat another party, Yosh grabbed the menu and said, “I’m getting nachos. Fuck it. I don’t even care if I have to do three hours on the treadmill. I’m getting a damn margarita, too. A big one. I’m going to get really fucking plastered. Are you okay with being the designated driver?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Sometime later, as I sipped diet Coke and picked at Yosh’s ridiculously giant platter of nachos, he put down his enormous margarita glass and asked me, “So, what happened with you and Jason Jax? I’ve been so wrapped up in my drama that I didn’t even ask.”

  “Well, he followed me when I went to the bathroom, slipped me his number and asked me to meet him at his hotel tonight.”

  “Holy shit! And you’re just telling me this now?”

  “The thing with Miles was more important.”

  Yosh made a pinching gesture in mid-air and said, “Shhh. Don’t say that name. From now on, he’s ‘He Who Shall Not be Named’. WhoNob for short.” Clearly, the drink was kicking in.

  I grinned at that. “WhoNob is in no way an acronym for He Who Shall Not be Named.”

  He waved his hand and said, “Close enough. Also, this margarita is strong. Woo!” Yosh pulled out his phone and started poking at it. “Do you know how to forward calls? Not all of them. I think it would be good if WhoNob’s calls went to you. Then you could tell him to go fuck himself with a saguaro cactus.”

  “That’s random.”

  “It was the most painful thing I could think of.”

  “I’ll be happy to tell him that. I’m not sure if it’s possible to only forward some calls, though.”

  “Damn.”

  “Couldn’t you just block his number?” I asked.

  “Yeah, but it’d be way more fun to invite him to have sexual relations with a carnegiea gigantea.”

 
; “With a what now?”

  “That’s the scientific name of the saguaro cactus.”

  I raised an eyebrow at him. “Why on earth do you know that?”

  “Because I paid attention in sixth grade. Duh!”

  I chuckled and said, “You’re so weird when you’re drunk.”

  He put his phone down. “We’re getting distracted by WhoNob. That’s incredibly exciting news about Jason Jax! What are you doing here with me when you could be there with him?”

  “It’s still early, he’s probably not even back at his hotel yet.”

  “How are you so calm about this? You’re hooking up with Jason freaking Jax!”

  “I know. I am excited. I’m just a little nervous, too.”

  “I get that. He’s a pretty major celebrity, I can see why you’d be a bit star-struck.”

  I nodded and left it at that. There was no point in telling Yosh about the kiss. I was probably reading way too much into it.

  *****

  We stayed at the bar for about an hour, long enough for my friend to get pretty thoroughly plastered. I then drove him home to his apartment in the Marina District and called a cab. While I waited for it to arrive, Yosh changed into a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and flopped onto his couch. “Want me to make you some coffee?” I asked him.

  “No thanks. Sobering up is not the goal.” He stretched out and pulled a blanket over himself.

  I bent to kiss his forehead. “I’m going to let you get some rest and wait for the cab downstairs. I love you, Yoshi.”

  “I love you, too, Mario.” I grinned at the nickname as I let myself out of his apartment, making sure the door was locked behind me.

  Chapter Four

  I was aching, tired and shaky when I returned home around three a.m. My ‘date’ with Jason had gone pretty much like I thought it would. He was rough and demanding in bed, taking whatever he wanted. But he was kind to me afterwards, holding me and caressing me and telling me I was beautiful. I needed that so much, that tenderness and reassurance. It made what had preceded it worthwhile.