by RJ Crayton
“That will help you with the Talisman,” he said. “But you’ll need more training than that.”
I nodded.
He looked up toward his shelf of books, and a moment later a heavy book started floating down from the top. It landed in my lap. “Read the section on using jewels,” he said.
Homework. Not exactly what I wanted. However, I needed all the help I could get. “Alright,” I said as I looked at the book and frowned.
“It’s just a chapter or two,” he said. “I’ve marked the pages. An arrow will point you to them when you open it. I know you prefer to learn by doing, and tomorrow, we’ll do that.”
I was intrigued by his promise. “Okay.”
“If there’s nothing else, I have some things to attend to.”
I stood, tucking the book under my arm, but then I realized there was one more thing. “The crystals,” I said, catching him by surprise.
“What crystals?”
“In my mother’s memory, she said she gave crystals to you, ones from my father. Do you have them?”
He blew out. “I have them,” he said. “But they’re not here. They’re at my home in Bathesh. Shortly after Talitha gave me hers, I searched the Seas of Time, and everything pointed to me taking them back to my home there.”
I couldn’t hide my surprise. “I thought you lived here at the temple.”
“I do,” he said. “But I have a home, a family home, still in Bathesh. I keep certain documents there. It’s quite safe. I visit regularly. If you’d like, I will make a trip in the next few days and retrieve them for you.”
Of course I’d like. I’d prefer he got them right now. I managed to nod and simply say, “I’d appreciate that.”
Chapter 18 - Reunited
I took the book to the library to read. Like Pylum said, the pages were marked. The moment I opened the book, it flipped itself to the right page. The writing was small and old, but I read through the chapter with interest.
While mages generally work with keteshes to amplify their power, various jewels and crystals can also serve as magic amplifiers. From the small moor crystals to magic harnessing jewels, they can help a mage in many situations.
That was a good start. I spent some time reading about a few of the crystals, but my mind wandered. And oddly enough, it wandered not to the direness of my situation, but to a person. To Jasper. I wanted to talk to him.
Jasper, I called in my mind. I waited. My magic was flowing more naturally since I’d witnessed my mother’s memories. It was as if knowing that I had done fantastic things, having seen them in memories, that it became easier for me to draw on my magic. Calling Jasper this way seemed to be the easiest way to get in touch with him. Even though I was a little concerned he wouldn’t respond after I’d clearly offended him in his room.
Yes, Kady, he responded with characteristic cheer, rather than the terseness of the last rime we spoke.
I felt better that his response was normal. Perhaps I’d overestimated his irritation. Can you meet me in an alshams room?
Right now?
Yes, please, if you can.
I waited for his response, but it took a minute. I must have been interrupting something, because he didn’t seem eager to respond. Or perhaps I hadn’t overestimated his irritation about last night. I figured I’d offer him an out. It’s fine if you’re busy, I said, finally. I can talk to you later.
No, he said back. Just have to finish something. I can meet you in an hour.
***
The hour-long wait gave me a chance to finish the chapters on crystals and deposit the book in my room. I headed down to the alshams room a bit early, and was pacing outside when Jasper walked up.
“I’m sorry I made you wait,” he said, and I could tell he meant it.
I shook my head. “It’s fine,” I said. “I’m just glad you came.” I opened the door to the room telepathically and then walked in. Jasper followed me. I closed the door and the room brightened, brighter than I’d ever seen it before.
Jasper looked at the room and at me, and the guilt on his face seemed to deepen. “Are you alright?”
I shook my head, walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. I needed a hug, and thankfully, he hugged me back. It was warm here in his arms, here in this room. He stroked my back and it was nice.
“What happened?” he whispered.
I pulled away and sat down, my back against one of the lighted walls. It felt warm there, too. I did feel a little better, being in here. Jasper sat next to me, and I looked up at his kind eyes and felt a bit of sorrow. “I’m sorry about last night,” I said. “I didn’t mean to suggest I wasn’t worried about your safety.”
He grinned. “But you weren’t,” he said. I opened my mouth to say something else, but he put up a hand to halt me. “You thought I could handle myself with Akilah, and that’s a good thing. I talked to Nigel a little bit last night. He says you worry about him, feel responsible for him.”
I nodded. “I do.”
“And he said,” he started, but then took a pause as if reconsidering. “He said you thought I was strong and brave.”
I nodded. “Of course,” I said, sure that he knew that already. I was waiting for the thing subject that had caused him to hesitate, but it slowly dawned on me that that had been the subject. “You’ve been, really helpful to me since I’ve been here, Jasper, and I appreciate it more than you know.”
He smiled at that. “I’m always here for you, Kady.”
“I knew, and I’m sorry I’ve been so distant after what happened with Akilah. I haven’t really been talking to you since I’ve been back.”
He screwed up his face in confusion “You’ve talked to me.”
I guess I had, but not quite like before. “Not about important stuff,” I admitted. “I just thought, you know, now that I had Auntie back, that I could go back to the way things had always been for me. That it could be just me and her. I thought if I told you what I was feeling, that if I talked to you the way I did when Auntie was gone, it would keep things from going back to the way they had been before I came here, but I realize things can’t go back”
“Master Pylum says we must always move forward.”
It sounded like something Pylum would say. “Well, things aren’t the same. I know what Auntie did to my mind, and that hurts a little bit, even though I know she did it to protect me.”
He nodded.
“And we’re at the temple, not together with each other all the time. And sometimes, I just want to talk to you about things.”
“It’s normal to want to talk to your friends, Kady.”
But that was just it. It wasn’t normal for me. “Maybe for you,” I said. “But for me, it’s not, and I feel bad that I’m not able to find the comfort I wanted. I thought everything would be fine once I got Auntie back, but things aren’t fine.”
“Because of Akilah?”
I shrugged. “Partly, but also because of me. Because I learned some things, and now I’m afraid.”
Jasper spoke softly. “Afraid of what?”
“Afraid of myself.” I gazed at my hands as I spent a few minutes explaining all that I had seen in my mother’s memories, her relationship with my father, my father’s death, and Zygam’s slow insinuation into a huge role in my life. “I told my mother that she didn’t love me, that only he loved me. Jasper, if that’s how I felt, I don’t want my memories back. What if all those feelings come out again?”
“Kady,” he said.
I couldn’t look at him, but I waited for him to say more. He didn’t. “What?” I finally said, looking up.
“That’s just it. Kady. You’re Kady. That is who you are today. When people call you Dirah, you bristle, you recoil, you move away from it. You do this because you’re not Dirah anymore. Dirah loved Zygam. Dirah said hurtful things to her mother. Dirah was manipulated by Zygam. But you’re not Dirah. You’re Kady.”
I stared at him, trying to comprehend. “Just because people c
all me something different doesn’t mean I’m a different person.”
His eyes found mine, and they seemed utterly pure and understanding. “But doesn’t it? You once asked me why mages sometimes took on a different name when they became masters. I think I said something like I wasn’t sure, but I’ve thought about it more. And the reason they take on a new name is because our names have meaning. They can help define who we are. Ella was kind and helpful, but sometimes timid. Master Safiyah is kind and helpful, but also brave and serene. Master Safiyah left Ella behind because she wasn’t that person anymore. You are not Dirah anymore. You are Kady. And Kady does not love Zygam. Kady does not revere Zygam, not the way Dirah did. Whatever memories your aunt unlocks are just those. They’re memories of another person, of Dirah. You can watch them with the same keen eye you watched my mother’s memories and think of them as something new you are learning, but not the definition of who you are right now, at this moment in time.”
He sometimes amazed me. I wondered how he was so wise and knew so much. He was right, of course. I wasn’t Dirah. Not only that, I didn’t want to be Dirah. I didn’t want to be the child who had latched on to someone who wasn’t good for her. Yet part of me was still afraid. “What if you’re wrong?” I managed to ask him. “What if I turn into Dirah again? Look what happened to Akilah.”
He shook his head. “You are not Akilah. She has always struggled with trust. She has always feared betrayal, and whatever Zygam did to her, I imagine it made it seem as if her worst fears were true. No one could be trusted. But you’ve always believed in trust, Kady. Not for everyone, not immediately, but you fundamentally believe that there are people in your life who could and should be trusted. Your aunt was the only person who had that role for the longest time, and now that you know more of us here at the temple, I think you’ve expanded who is on that list.”
I breathed in and closed my eyes. Trust. I did trust Auntie, even after everything. And I trusted Jasper, too. I had even trusted Akilah, though that had been a mistake. She’d easily turned on me. I lay my head on his shoulder. “Auntie said she’d unlock my mind, but I’ve been avoiding it. Do you think I should have her do it?”
He shrugged, jostling my head slightly. “If you feel like it’s important to you, then you should do it. If you think knowing it will help you reconcile your past with your present, then you should do it. If you think it will help us get Akilah back, you should.”
I lifted my head and looked up at him. “Akilah doesn’t want to come back.”
He shook his head. “You don’t know that. You just know that she felt betrayed, and she aligned herself with the one person who helped her find truth. But just because she made a decision in that moment doesn’t mean she won’t rethink it.”
I sighed and scrunched my mouth to one side. Was he right? Was Akilah not a lost cause? She’d looked so venomously at me at the market. “I don’t know,” I muttered.
“Well, maybe you should unlock your memories and find out. You seem to think that the unlocking of memories that Akilah experienced fundamentally changed her. You should test your theory. I think you’ll find it’s not right. Unlocking that part of you may change your view temporarily, but it won’t change who you are. Only you can change who you fundamentally are or want to be.”
Chapter 19 - Shared Fate
I was headed back to the healing room to talk to my aunt. Jasper was right. I had to just face my memories. If a life I wouldn’t remember had it not been locked away was going to change who I was, then I wasn’t the person I believed myself to be. No matter what memories came back, I needed to know them.
I had become convinced earlier that understanding Zygam was the key to everything. Right now, I felt that that was the right path. He was the key. And unlocking my memories would help me figure out how to get the Talisman from him.
When I arrived in the healing room, Master Yaritza was sitting at her desk, her auburn locks neatly in a bun. She was reading a book, but looked up when I entered. “Hey there, Kady,” she said, her voice friendly. “Talitha was actually feeling well enough to be up and about, so she and Pylum went for a walk in the garden.” She glanced up at a clock on the wall. It was close to four in the afternoon. “They should be back in ten or fifteen minutes. You could wait here or come back.”
“I’ll wait here,” I said, walking over to her desk. “Did you have a second?”
She smiled, nodded and motioned for me to sit. I pursed my lips, unsure I wanted to ask the question that was on my mind. It was something that was bothering me ever since I’d seen my mother’s memories about my father. “When I first came here,” I said. “You told me Pylum asked for a Ghazer test, and when I asked you why, you told me you didn’t know. But you knew my father was sick with it. Why didn’t you tell me?”
She sighed and nodded. “I’m sorry,” she said, her face genuinely apologetic. “I didn’t tell you because if you were asking, it meant no one had mentioned your father’s illness to you. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you. I thought it should come from someone you knew. I figured you’d ask Pylum about it and he’d tell you.”
I nodded. That made sense. I could see her choosing to stay out of it.
“You were friends with my parents?”
She smiled wider. “Oh, everyone was friends with Idris and Tima. They were both charming and fun. Idris was full of energy and always had a kind word to say, even if he was sometimes a prankster. And Tima was always kind, always thoughtful. They were a wonderful couple, and everyone was so devastated when we learned Idris was sick. Master Hinto and I spent hours looking through healing journals, testing spells. We were doing everything we could to extend his life.”
“But then he died in the explosion.”
Yaritza grimaced, and then nodded. “It was awful,” she said, the memory turning her face grim.
“I saw a memory,” I started, unsure she would tell me what I wanted to know, as it really wasn’t my business. “A memory from my mother. It was from the day of the explosion, and you were in it. So was Zygam.”
She stared at me, her mouth closed, her eyes appraising me.
“You took Zygam’s hand and offered to talk to him,” I said. “I got the impression the two of you were close.”
Yaritza straightened her shoulders and her face hardened just a little. “I was friends with Zygam, but he was never really a friend to me. And what he did to your mother …” she shook her head bitterly. “It was unforgivable. I’m surprised he still lives. The Talisman is the only thing that can keep him going after what he’s done.”
I was really confused now. I leaned in. “What do you mean, the Talisman is the only thing that can keep him going?”
Yaritza’s eyes widened as she realized she’d told me more than she’d intended. “You’ve studied the principles of magic since you’ve been here?”
I shrugged. Sort of. I’d done a bit, but not as much as I should have. I’d been intensely focused on getting my magic to work so I could rescue my aunt, but not on the basics. And since my magic was working readily now, it didn’t occur to me to delve deeply into the theory. “A little.”
“Well, there’s an overall principle of balance. That the universe seeks balance. It wants an equal amount of light and darkness, of good and bad; that everything should be aligned, in a sense.”
I’d read that basic concept, but I’d never really liked it much. “But shouldn’t the universe want only good?”
She shrugged. “Perhaps it should, but we know such is not possible in the world. And many times, we have tilted to more good than bad, and I prefer it that way, but ultimately, balance means a certain equilibrium. Even though bad things are happening, you can still look out, cast your net, and snag hope and light somewhere.”
That made sense. “Okay,” I said. “So what does this have to do with the talisman keeping Zygam alive?”
“There are spells that can help codify the natural order, that allow for people to seek balance, or eve
n justice, if you will. If you have given a person your trust, and they betray you, you can initiate a spell that maintains your connection. A spell that makes them experience any spell they do to you. It’s essentially called a faqad alfasir, a shared fate spell. It’s very old magic, and it’s rarely performed. Some people believe it is unnatural to require that natural order be followed. They believe it is natural if it happens, but if you compel it to happen, that it is unnatural. That it is more akin with revenge than order. In the old days, it was used by healers to prevent the further attack of someone who had been made ill by magic. It allowed the healer to work on the patient without fear that some new malady would be set upon them.”
I scrunched my eyebrows, trying to comprehend. “So the spell isn’t used anymore? It doesn’t work?”
She shook her head. “It works. It’s just rarely used. It’s not like in olden days when mages were on their own and had few laws to keep order. With temples, mages tend to congregate together and find a common bond. Rarely would someone wanting to do you harm infiltrate your temple. But Zygam was different. He was obsessed with the Talisman, with controlling it. He started off wanting the healing powers to cure your father. For all that people discuss of Elpida’s power, few are drawn to its ability to heal. But Zygam wanted that bit of it only when he started. Once he got a taste of its power, he wanted it and he would have done anything to get control of it, even killing.”
Her voice was low and angry as she spoke, and it sounded as if Zygam’s betrayal of my mother, his murder of her, was somehow more personal than it should have been. “I don’t understand what this has to do with the spell.”
She took a deep breath and spoke in a low voice. “I helped your mother perform it before she left the temple. I’d assured her Zygam would never try to hurt her, but she hadn’t believed me. So we performed the spell. If he hurt her, and killing her definitely qualifies as such, he would suffer the same fate.”
I couldn’t hide my shock. Not just that such a spell had existed, but that it had been performed. “You helped my mother do that?”