by Susan Lewis
‘Would you like me to talk to her?’ he offered. ‘We’d started getting somewhere …’
‘No, it’s OK,’ she broke in firmly. ‘At the moment I don’t think she really wants to talk to anyone, but I’d like to make sure she’s all right. Actually, you might as well go on to work, if …’
‘There’s no reason for me to rush. I’ll make some coffee and go and run you a bath, if you like.’
Wishing she could summon some warmth to her feelings as she thanked him, she started up the stairs. Something would have to change, she was thinking, they couldn’t go on like this, but she couldn’t cope with it all at present.
‘By the way,’ he said, as she reached the first landing, ‘I’ve picked up a schedule of local antenatal classes we can attend together while you’re in London …’
‘Not now,’ she interrupted. Then, concerned about how crushed he might feel, ‘Let’s look at it later, when my head’s a bit clearer.’
He smiled. ‘Of course. Sorry. I keep getting carried away … Are you feeling OK? Apart from tired, I mean?’
‘I’m fine, we both are, but coffee and a bath sounds wonderful.’
Finding Neve’s door closed when she reached the top of the stairs, she knocked gently, and tried to push it open. ‘It’s me,’ she called softly. ‘Can I come in?’
Hearing a chair being dragged from under the handle, she frowned curiously, wondering why Neve would barricade herself in. ‘What was that about?’ she asked, as she closed the door behind her.
‘I don’t want him coming up here,’ Neve said angrily.
Startled by the vehemence, but understanding that trying to hurt and reject the person who’d done the same to you was a normal part of a break-up, Susannah went to sit next to her on the bed, and slipped an arm around her. ‘It won’t always be like this,’ she said gently. ‘I know that’s hard to believe when you’re feeling the way you do now …’
‘I hate him,’ Neve seethed. ‘I wish he was dead.’
‘Ssh, you know you don’t mean that …’
‘Yes I do! I don’t want to live here any more. Please don’t make me, Mum. I know you’re having a baby, and that you have to stay, but please can I live with Lola, or even with Dad? Anywhere, I just don’t want to be here.’
Cupping Neve’s face between her hands Susannah gazed deeply into her eyes, feeling her pain and confusion as though it were her own. ‘I don’t want to be without you,’ she told her. ‘You mean everything in the world to me …’
‘I don’t care,’ Neve cried, starting to sob. ‘You’ve got him now, and the baby, so you don’t need me …’
‘That isn’t true. I’ll always need you. I love you, Neve, more than my own life …’
‘Then don’t make me stay here. Please, let me go and live somewhere else.’
‘But I thought you liked it here. You have your room …’
‘I hate this room. I wish I never had to come here again.’
‘Darling,’ Susannah said, trying to draw her into her arms, ‘I know how painful it is when someone doesn’t feel the same way as you do, but Alan’s so much older than you, and you’ll meet someone else …’
‘Stop it!’ Neve raged, banging her fists into her mother. ‘You don’t understand. He makes me do things, Mum. He says it’s what I want, but I don’t. I hate it when he touches me, and when he makes me touch him …’
Susannah froze as the words hit her like a smack in the face. ‘Neve, stop, calm down,’ she broke in, so thrown by this new slant on Neve’s pain that she was already rejecting it. ‘Are you telling me … Are you saying …’ No, she couldn’t be. Please God, no. She wanted to grab Neve to her, but she needed to be sure she was understanding this correctly.
‘I know it’s my fault,’ Neve choked, desperately. ‘It wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t let him see me one time …’ Her face was ravaged with confusion as she looked at her mother. ‘I want him to stop now, Mum,’ she said brokenly, ‘but he won’t and he says if I tell anyone I’ll have to be taken away for making things up and telling lies, because really it’s all in my head. But I know it isn’t … Mum, don’t look like that. I’m sorry, I know you love him and that this is spoiling things for you, and if any of it gets out it’ll be in the papers and you’ll …’ She broke off as, white-faced and shaking with horror, Susannah grabbed her roughly by the shoulders.
‘Don’t even think about any of that,’ Susannah said fiercely. ‘Just tell me what he did to you.’
Neve still seemed to be shrinking away with fear.
‘I need to know,’ Susannah urged. ‘You said he touched you. Where?’
‘Here, and here,’ Neve said, putting a hand to her chest, then to the join of her legs.
Susannah’s horror was growing to such a pitch it was almost unhinging her. ‘Did he … Did he ever force himself on you?’
Neve’s eyes went down.
‘Neve, you have to tell me. Did he …’
‘He made me put his thing in my mouth.’
‘Oh my God,’ Susannah gasped, gagging on the mere thought of it. Squeezing Neve’s hands hard, she said, ‘Did he ever …? I’m sorry, darling, but I have to ask you this … Did he ever make you go all the way? You know what I’m talking about … Oh Jesus Christ,’ she sobbed as Neve nodded. ‘He took your virginity?’
‘No,’ Neve wailed, ‘but he tried. He said I was too small, but we could try again. I don’t want to though, Mum … Mum, what are you doing?’
Susannah was on her feet. Her eyes were blazing with a deadly fury. ‘Stay here and start packing,’ she said. ‘Don’t come out until I tell you to.’
She went down to the first landing so fast she almost fell. Hearing him in the bedroom she turned from the stairs and flung open the door, so crazed with hate and violence that her fists were already flying as she reached him. ‘You laid hands on my daughter!’ she shrieked, banging a punch straight into his face, then another and another. ‘You tried to rape my child, you filthy, perverted, monster …’
‘Susannah, listen, wait,’ he cried, trying to hold her off. ‘I knew this would happen. It’s what adolescent girls do …’ He grunted as her knee smashed into his groin.
‘I trusted you, you maniac,’ she yelled, grabbing his hair and shaking his head as though to pull out every strand by the root. ‘I thought you were helping her and all the time …’
‘She’s lying!’ he gasped, cupping his groin with one hand while trying to fight her off with the other. ‘She kept coming on to me …’
‘Don’t you dare blame her!’ she screamed. ‘She’s a child! So help me God, I’m going to kill you for this.’ Her fists and feet were flailing wildly, crashing into him with more force than she’d ever used in her life. She wouldn’t stop, she couldn’t. He had to suffer, he was going to pay …
‘For Christ’s sake, listen to me,’ he shouted, attempting to seize her arms. ‘Girls her age are fantasists. They make things up …’
‘I’m not making it up!’ Neve cried from the landing. ‘You did all those things … No!’ she screamed as Susannah turned round and he grabbed her from behind.
Susannah kicked out, used her elbows and feet and turned her head to bite him, but his grip was too strong.
‘Let her go!’ Neve yelled. ‘You’re hurting her.’
‘Tell her you’re lying,’ Alan shouted. ‘You know you are. You’re jealous of her fame and all the attention she’s getting, so you’re trying to get some for yourself.’
‘That’s not true,’ Neve screamed, her face contorting with pain.
‘Don’t listen to him!’ Susannah was frantic, still struggling to break free.
‘You’ve wanted to ruin things from the start,’ Alan cried. ‘You came on to me to try and steal me from her, and now you’re …’ He yelped as Susannah’s foot slammed down so hard on his own that a bone snapped.
Springing away from him, Susannah ran on to the landing to Neve. ‘Leave everything, we can come back for it,
’ she gasped.
As they started down the stairs, Alan reached over the banisters and clutched Susannah’s hair, tugging her back.
‘Keep going,’ Susannah shouted to Neve as pain seared through her head, and swinging round she struck out with her nails to try to free herself. The burn was excruciating as her hair began tearing from her scalp. He was at the top of the stairs now, dragging her up. She rammed a fist into his gut and he doubled over, but still he didn’t let go.
Grabbing him between the legs she squeezed with all her might.
With a roar he pushed her away. She staggered against the rail. Her feet slipped and suddenly she was plunging head first down the stairs.
‘Mum!’ Neve screamed, as Susannah ploughed into her, and as she lost her balance too, they both crashed to the floor at the bottom.
‘Susannah!’ Alan gasped, staring down to the hall in horror. ‘Oh my God!’
In an instant he was beside them.
‘Don’t touch me,’ Susannah hissed. ‘Or her. Keep your hands away …’
‘Mum, are you all right?’ Neve gasped. Her legs were under Susannah, her shoulders slumped awkwardly against the wall.
‘I’m fine,’ Susannah said breathlessly. She tried to roll on to her knees, but a sharp pain dug into her side, making her groan.
‘Let me help you,’ Alan insisted.
‘Don’t come near me,’ Susannah seethed. Neve’s arms were around her now, and with a little more effort she was able to move herself off Neve’s legs.
‘Get out of here,’ she managed to pant to Alan.
‘This is my …’
‘Get out!’ she screamed.
Neve began helping her up, but they were both shaking so hard their legs were barely able to take their weight.
‘Do you need an ambulance?’ Alan said. ‘Let me …’
‘We don’t need you. Just fuck off,’ Neve spat, easing her mother down on the bottom stair.
‘It’s OK, I’m fine,’ Susannah told her. Then to Alan, ‘Open that door, walk through it and don’t come back until we’ve taken what’s ours.’
‘Susannah, you can’t …’
‘Just do it!’ she screamed.
‘I’m not leaving you like this. You might have broken something …’
‘If I have, it’s no business of yours.’
‘You’re carrying my child.’
Her eyes were so full of loathing as they blazed into his that his face turned ashen. ‘You’ll never have any rights to this child after what you’ve done,’ she told him savagely. ‘Paedophiles don’t even get visits, so disabuse yourself of …’ She gasped as another pain shot through her side.
‘Mum, you’re hurt,’ Neve cried.
‘I’m fine,’ Susannah insisted. ‘Just get him out of here.’
Limping to the door, Neve flung it open so hard that one of the panes cracked. ‘Do as she told you,’ she snarled. ‘Get out, fuck off, drop dead. Don’t ever come near us again.’
Alan was staring helplessly at Susannah, then clasping his hands to his head he started outside. ‘You’ll regret this,’ he was saying. ‘I’ll leave now, but you’ll have to face the truth. I’m only …’ As he reached the front step he came to a sudden halt. ‘What the …? How did you …?’ He took a pace back and collided with Neve, who was staring at the short, balding man advancing purposefully through the gate.
Suddenly Alan turned and fled along the hall into the kitchen. Entering the house, the stranger lunged after him, but stopped abruptly as he spotted Susannah crouched at the foot of the stairs.
‘What happened?’ he barked. ‘Are you all right?’
Susannah looked up, wondering who on earth he was. Then Michael appeared in the doorway behind him.
Immediately he was on his knees next to Susannah. ‘Are you hurt?’ he asked, putting an arm around her. ‘What happened?’
‘He pushed her,’ Neve shouted.
Growling savagely, the balding man sprinted off down the hall.
‘Can you stand?’ Michael asked gently. ‘Do you think anything’s broken?’
‘I’m not sure. I don’t think so.’
Turning to Neve, he said, ‘Go and call an ambulance, we’ll take her …’
‘No, I don’t need one,’ Susannah protested, trying to stand up.
Holding on to her he eased her to her feet, then felt her lean into him as dizziness swooped over her.
‘I need to sit down again,’ she said faintly. ‘Let’s go in there.’
‘I think we should get you checked over,’ Michael insisted.
Neve was regarding him warily. ‘Excuse me,’ she said, ‘but who are you?’
‘Darling, this is Michael Grafton,’ Susannah told her.
Neve’s eyes rounded. ‘You mean the Michael Grafton?’
‘That would be me,’ he responded drily. ‘And that, through there, I’m presuming, is the sitting room?’
Neve nodded. Then suddenly realising she was expected to lead the way, she limped over to the door.
‘You’re hurt,’ Susannah cried.
‘I think I twisted my ankle,’ Neve answered.
Moments later they were all sinking on to the sofas when the balding man came back, panting and wiping his hands on his jeans.
‘He got over the wall,’ he announced. ‘Chickenshit bastard, but I’ll be here when he gets back.’ Registering the way they were all staring at him, he started to redden. ‘Sorry about the language …’
‘This is Carl Pace,’ Michael told them.
Neve and Susannah looked at the man, clearly still none the wiser.
‘I’m that bastard’s brother-in-law,’ Pace informed them gruffly. ‘He’s married to my sister.’
It took no more than a few moments for an awful understanding to dawn on Susannah. This man clearly detested Alan, and he had two nieces who had lived with Alan; two girls whom Alan was no longer allowed to see … ‘Do you mind if I ask what you’re doing here?’ she said carefully.
Pace glanced at Michael, then at Neve.
‘Maybe the explanation should wait until we’re sure you’re OK,’ Michael said.
‘I’m fine,’ she told him. Then to Pace, ‘Your nieces … Is that why …?’
Pace’s face hardened as he nodded, but softened again as he looked at Neve. ‘Helen tried to warn you with the emails,’ he said.
Susannah’s eyes filled with tears as Neve came to sit beside her.
Sensing it was too little too late, Pace’s voice was ragged as he said, ‘I tried to make her go to the police. I told her it would happen again, and as soon as we knew about …’ His eyes were on Neve and for a moment Susannah thought he was going to cry. ‘He can’t get away with it again,’ he said savagely.
‘He won’t,’ Michael assured him.
Understanding already what had made Helen reluctant to report the crime, Susannah said, ‘Neve and I will need to discuss what we’re going to do.’
Though Pace looked on the brink of protesting, in the end he seemed to realise that once again a mother was protecting her child from the added ordeal of having to prove she was telling the truth.
‘Carl, can we have a word outside?’ Michael said. Then to Susannah as Pace started from the room, ‘I’m going to flag down a cab to take you to hospital.’
‘It was Neve who took the brunt of the fall,’ Susannah told him.
‘Then you can both be checked over.’
‘I’m fine,’ Neve said, even though she clearly wasn’t.
Michael threw out his hands in mock despair, but the look he gave them brooked no more arguments. They were doing as they were told whether they liked it or not.
As soon as they were alone Susannah gathered Neve into her arms and held her so tightly that Neve could hardly breathe. ‘We’re going to work everything out, sweetheart, so don’t worry,’ she said, trying hard not to cry as she held Neve’s face in her hands. ‘You won’t ever have to see him again.’
‘No, I don’t want
to,’ Neve said faintly. ‘Not ever. I just want to be with you from now on.’
‘You will be. The summer holidays are just around the corner, so you can finish early and come with me …’ Her voice faltered as another quick pain caught her. ‘I’ll talk to your housemistress …’
‘Don’t tell her what happened,’ Neve cried. ‘I don’t want anyone to know.’
‘It’s OK, I won’t, but we’ll probably need to talk to someone.’ Her eyes closed as a terrible ache clawed at her belly. ‘We don’t have to think about that now though,’ she said, weakly. ‘As soon as we can we’ll go up to Derbyshire and you can stay with me … If you like you can go and spend some time with Pats in Paris … Actually, I should call her. Can you pass me the phone?’
Taking it from the table behind them, Neve sat watching as Susannah connected to Patsy’s mobile.
‘Hi, it’s me,’ she said when Pats answered. ‘Neve and I are on our way back to the hospital.’
‘Already? Has something happened to Lola?’
‘Not to Lola, to me and Neve,’ Susannah told her. ‘I’ll explain when I see you. Is there any chance you can meet us there?’
‘Of course. Are you all right?’
‘I think so, but we’ll both be a lot better once we’re out of this house.’
Chapter Thirty
LEAVING CARL PACE to wait for Alan’s return, Susannah and Neve climbed into the taxi Michael had hailed, and sat huddled together as the driver responded to Michael’s instructions.
By the time they arrived at the hospital it was clear to Susannah that she was losing the baby, but she said nothing, only rested her head against Neve, and felt the comfort of Michael’s arm around her as he helped them from the back seat and led them into A & E. Hardest to bear at the moment was the guilt, knowing how terribly she’d let Neve down. What kind of mother was she? It felt as though the tiny life inside her, so completely dependent on her, was now responding to her rejection. She wanted desperately to hold on to it, to reassure it that she loved it with all her heart, but the blood she could feel trickling away from her was enough to tell her that its little spirit had already flown. For the moment, not even the fact that it had avoided having Alan as a father was providing any comfort.