by Susan Cairns
Standing on Taylor’s front porch, I’m balancing two Starbucks cups, one on top of the other, so I can free up my other hand to ring the doorbell. I push the button once, then I shift one of the cups back to my right hand while I wait to hear footsteps on the other side of the door. It doesn’t take more than two minutes before I hear Taylor approaching, then I hear the flip of the deadbolt before she pulls the door open. She greets me without a smile, just a look of indifference, but she’s beautiful nonetheless.
“Hey,” Taylor says before pushing the storm door open so I can come in.
“Hi, I brought you a latte.” I offer the cup to her with a small smile.
“Nonfat?” she asks, stepping to the side so I can come in.
“Just the way you like it,” I answer, and it sounds forced. Now that I’m close to her, I feel like I’m clamming up. The connection is there, but it’s telling me to set this drink down and pull her into my arms, not to follow her around to the couch so we can sit down and talk.
She looks at the couch then back at me. “Do you want to sit outside? It’s a really nice day, and I was sitting out there before you got here.”
“Sure.” I motion with my hand for her to lead the way, although I know exactly where we’re going.
Taylor opens the sliding glass door leading to the deck off the back of her house. Since the day we met at Berk’s, I’ve imagined what this place will look like after she has it made over, and in my head, it’s amazing. For now though, she goes to the patio table and takes a seat facing me and the door to her house. It almost makes me wonder if someone might crash our conversation, or maybe Taylor thinks that. But I’m sure Casey’s going to leave us alone for this.
“So,” she says then takes a sip of her coffee.
“So,” I repeat. “Thanks for letting me come over to explain things.”
“Casey told me I needed to hear you out, and honestly, it was pissing me off more not knowing, so get to explaining, but start at the beginning.”
“Okay, well, as you figured out, I was with someone—”
“Was?” Her eyes narrow.
“Yes, was. I broke things off when I got back from Chicago, something I should have done three weeks earlier.”
“You probably should have,” Taylor says with a tilt to her head.
“I was wrong, I know this, but you have to know that what I feel for you doesn’t even compare to Jen… her.”
“Start at the beginning,” Taylor deadpans.
Sucking in a deep breath, I get ready to admit my bout with online dating, something she tried to call me out on the first time we met. “I met Jennifer online.”
Taylor snickers but covers her mouth to stop the laugh from fully bursting out.
“It was about nine months ago now. My mom had been up my ass about me meeting someone and settling down, but I wasn’t meeting anyone worth a second look at the bar, so I thought I’d try online.” I look at Taylor, catching an amused smirk. “Jennifer messaged me, which I liked. I thought she was the type of women who was confident and would go for what she wanted. So I started to exchange messages with her, then we met in person a couple of months later.” I stop, not knowing how far Taylor wants me to go with this.
“Come on, Reid, that’s not the whole story. Keep going,” she says circling her hand to keep me going.
“Fine,” I roll my eyes. “She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and she seemed to want the same things I did. There wasn’t an instant connection, but the more I talked to her, the more I realized I didn’t need that and we could make this grow into something. After a few months of making trips to the halfway point, she suggested that we should take things a little further and one of us should make the move. Since she was established in her career, I decided I could find a job here. I wasn’t happy where I was, so it made the most sense.”
“You just talked and met up for eight months?” Taylor asks, looking at me skeptically.
“We did. I also thought things would go a little faster between us if we lived in the same city. But before we made the final decision, Jennifer explained to me that she’s faithful to her religion and didn’t want to take things to the next level, physically, until she had a commitment from me. For some reason, I thought living together would be enough, but it wasn’t.”
“So you found someone else to have sex with?” Taylor narrows her eyes at me. “Is that how it went?”
“No, it’s not, let me finish,” I demand, and Taylor nods. “So I started applying to jobs online. I got several calls and did a few Skype interviews, but the job at Great Lakes seemed the most appealing, so I took it. Once I secured a job, we talked about where, in relation to the office, I should look for a place. That’s when Jennifer suggested I move in with her.”
Taylor’s eyes get big again. She looks shocked. I guess she didn’t figure out I lived with Jennifer.
“So I did. But you have to believe me when I say it was like living with a roommate. We barely spent any time together because we both like to work.”
“You’re telling me you lived with this woman and nothing happened?”
“We never had sex,” I explain.
“But you did other things?”
“Nothing more than kissing and above the waist touching. It was her rule and I wanted to respect it because I was trying to give it a chance.”
“That explains things,” Taylor says under her breath, but I can clearly hear her, so I give her a questioning look with my brows raised. She bites her lips closed, I’m assuming to hide the fact that she was caught.
“I literally moved to Buffalo the day before I started at Great Lakes because I was nervous as hell about moving in with someone I wasn’t dating conventionally. I kept justifying it based on the qualities I knew about Jennifer, but it wasn’t enough. Even if I hadn’t met you, things would have never worked between us. There was absolutely no chemistry between Jennifer and me. After meeting you, I realized how much I wanted and needed that spark, that connection someone feels when they meet the person they’re supposed to be with.”
“Reid—”
“No, let me finish. You wanted the whole story. The first time I saw you, yes, I was attracted to your looks, but that wasn’t it. It was the first time I touched you, with a simple handshake, and that feeling passed between us.” I cover her hand with mine. “I know you felt it too; I heard you gasp. I had no idea what it meant, I’d never felt that with anyone before, and I really didn’t expect to feel something so strong with a woman I’d just found out I was going to be working with. So I made it my mission to get to know you—”
“The questions on your first day, they weren’t to help us work together, were they?”
“They were, but as an added bonus, I got to know you better. But when you started making comments about online dating, I clammed up and wouldn’t share anything about me, which is why I didn’t tell you about Jennifer. So I didn’t keep it from you on purpose.”
“No, you were embarrassed and I could tell,” Taylor pulls her hand away from mine and sits back in the chair with her arms crossed over her chest. “I knew you were an online dater. I’m pretty sure I told Casey about it at lunch,” she adds with a little giggle.
“It’s not funny. You’ve never had to deal with searching and never finding what you’re looking for while everyone’s breathing down your neck.”
“That’s what you think. Remember the conversation we had that first day, when I told you about my friends?” I nod, and she says, “They give me shit all the time for being single. They don’t understand why I care more about my job than I do about finding someone to spend my life with.”
“I remember. So you know how it feels. Just add fifteen years and a nosy mother onto that and you’ll know how I was feeling,” I say, and she smiles. “After that first week I made it my mission to spend time with Jennifer so I’d stop thinking about you all the time. She showed me around Buffalo, where I could go running, took me downtown, and the whole time it
felt like I was just getting a tour. That’s the reason I used the information Casey gave me that Monday morning. You were so hot and cold with me, but I knew you felt what I did. Plus your best friend kind of blew you in, so I decided to try harder with you. I didn’t expect things to change so fast between us, but I don’t regret it, not for a minute. The night we met with the Berks, I should have gone back to the condo and broken things off with Jennifer, but I didn’t have any place to go, so I stayed until I had time to get my own place and move out.”
“And now you’ve moved out?”
I nod. “I did, last weekend. My brother drove my things here and helped me set up on Saturday afternoon.”
“So you came back from Chicago, dropped a note at my doorstep, then went back and stayed with her?”
“No, I went back and broke things off with her. I spent Friday night in a hotel.”
Taylor looks at me skeptically again. “You called, but why didn’t you push harder?”
“I knew you needed time to think things through. Don’t think I didn’t want to, because it’s all I wanted to do. But when I was in Chicago, I had to spend time with my dad, make sure things were all set up for him. Then when I got home, I knew I needed to end things with Jennifer first. I did, however, I thought leaving you the note would make you want to talk to me, but I get it. I can see why you didn’t want to.”
“Do you though?” Taylor asks leaning forward nodding her head a couple of times. “Do you understand what it feels like to find out you’re that person? The one the cheater used to cheat?”
Shaking my head I give her an honest answer, “I don’t know from personal experience, but I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes.”
“And how did that go?”
“I understand why you feel used and betrayed, but you have to know that wasn’t my intention. I made a mistake. This isn’t who I am.”
“So you’ve never cheated before? And how am I supposed to believe you’ll never do it again?” She asks with her hands extended out to the side.
“You have to trust me.”
“Right,” Taylor says with an exaggerated nod. “Because you’ve given me so many reasons to trust you.”
“I know I haven’t, but I’m asking you to trust what I’m telling you. I don’t do this, it’s not who I am and not who I want to be ever again. I feel like absolute shit because of what I did and what I might have lost because of it.”
She looks at me as if she’s trying to decide whether or not I’ve lost what we’ve had entirely or if she’s willing to give it another chance. “Well, spit it out. Ask me what you came here to ask.”
“Have I lost it? Or is there still a chance for us?”
“I can’t answer that right now,” Taylor says, shaking her head before she looks away from me out into the yard.
“Okay,” I say, lowering my voice, making my tone more gentle. “Then tell me how you feel?”
Taylor whips her head toward me, “I’m angry,” she practically yells. “I feel used and stupid for not being able to see what was going on. But I also feel bad for Jennifer,” she admits, her voice getting softer. “Especially now because she didn’t know anything about me. Were you at least honest with her?”
“I was. She figured it out though. When I was breaking things off, she knew it was because I had met someone else.”
“But she didn’t know anything about me before that?”
“No, she did,” I confess and Taylor’s brows lift at the news. “I talked about you and how we were working together, but she never suspected there was anything more between us than work,” I shake my head back and forth as I answer.
“What did she say when you admitted it?" Taylor juts her chin out, and her eyes get big as she waits for my answer.
“She told me to fuck off,” I admit, my eyes locked on Taylor’s.
“Good,” Taylor says with a fake smile. “You deserved that.”
“Is there anything else you’re feeling?” I ask hopefully, trying to change the subject in a direction I can work with.
Taylor looks away from me again before answering, “Yes, I miss you,” she admits shyly, slowly bringing her eyes back to me. “I miss the way you make me feel at ease, the way your smile brightens my whole day. I’m so unbearably sad that I won’t get to see you every day at work—”
“Speaking of that,” I cut her off, leaning forward in my chair, getting closer to emphasize my question. “Was the offer really something you couldn’t pass up?”
“It was.” Taylor says reluctantly. “It’s one of the positions I applied for when we first decided to give this thing a try. I never expected them to call me, let alone offer me such an amazing job.”
“You have too little faith in yourself. Any employer should and would jump at the chance to have you on their team. They’re lucky to have you, but I’ll miss seeing you every day at work too.” I give Taylor a small smile then reach out and take her hand.
“I don’t know if I can go back to the way things were before,” she says lowering her head, trying to pull her hand from mine.
“I’m not asking you to,” I shake my head. “I know to get over this, we’re going to have to work at it, but I think we can because I believe you’re the one I was supposed to meet. I know this is going to sound really fucked up, but if it hadn’t been for Jennifer, we would have never gotten this chance.”
Taylor lifts her head, her eyes meeting mine. “That is kind of fucked up, but it’s true.”
“I’m not asking you to forgive and forget. I know this will always be a bump in the road for us, but I think we can get past it, if you’re willing to give it a try.”
“I don’t know,” she says starting to turn away from me again.
“Okay,” I raise my voice a little to bring Taylor’s attention back to me. “Then let’s start off small,” I say, pleading with my eyes. “Have you eaten yet?”
“What?” she asks, looking thrown off. “No.”
“Then let me take you out to lunch?”
Taylor looks at me, and in that instant, I can see my whole future and it all depends on the answer in her head.
“Can we order in?” Taylor asks with a small smile. “There are still some things we need to talk about, and I don’t want to do it with an audience.”
“Sure, let’s order and I’ll go get it.”
“We can have it delivered.” Taylor slips her hand out from below mine before sliding her chair across the planks of the desk and standing. As she passes me, she touches my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze, then disappears through the door. She returns a few minutes later with a stack of takeout menus, flipping through them, I’m assuming to find places that deliver in the middle of the day.
“How about pizza?” she asks, lifting her eyes to meet mine.
“Sounds good to me, although—”
“Don’t even say it, Mariano. Buffalo pizza is the best. It’s the perfect combination of New York City pizza and Chicago pizza, so don’t even say it’s not as good.”
“I was just going to say I’m still getting used to the difference,” I defend myself but wink at her. She knows me so well, even though we haven’t known each other that long.
Taylor picks up her cell and dials the number. After she places our order and gives them the address, she says thank you and hangs up. For a minute or two, she sits silently, looking anywhere but at me.
“What’s going on in your head over there?”
She stops glancing around and zeros in on me. “I’m just trying to think of how we’re going to do this.”
“We’ll do whatever you want. I’m here for the long haul, no matter what. If you decide in a couple of days you can’t see me anymore, then I’ll go away. If you want to pick up where we left off, I’m game. But I know that’s not who you are. I know how hard it was for you to find someone you wanted to be with, so if you want to take things slow, I’m going to take them slow.”
“You’re okay with that?”
>
“One hundred percent. I want you to be able to trust me again, and if that takes the rest of my life, I’ll be right here beside you.”
“That’s a little dramatic. I was thinking that we could start by dating like normal people, not just jumping into bed together.”
“If that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do. Does this count as our first date?” I ask, being kind of serious but keeping my tone sarcastic.
“No, a date is when I get dressed up and you take me out.”
“All right, then how about Monday? It’s the beginning of the week, a good day to start something new.”
“Monday’s good. Where are you going to take me?” She asks, brows raised with an expectant smile across her face.
“That is going to be a surprise,” I reply with a wink, because I have absolutely no clue where we’re going to go and it’s not like I can sit here and google a place with her sitting right in front of me.
“You have no idea, do you?” she challenges.
“Nope,” I admit, making a popping sound. “But a quick online search will help with that. I’ll let you know tomorrow what you should wear.”
“Oh thank god,” Taylor overemphasizes her reaction with a hand to the chest. “I was starting to sweat thinking I wouldn’t know what to wear,” she adds and I can tell she’s biting back a giggle.
“I figured you were. So Monday night, say seven? That way we both have enough time to get home from work and get ready.”
“Sounds good,” Taylor agrees with a smile.
The pizza arrives a few minutes later, which works in my favor, because when Taylor comes back outside, she’s ready to talk about something new. I spend a little while telling her about my apartment and where it’s located. She laughs when I tell her it’s less than five minutes away, then she suggests that I could run to her house in order to get my workouts in. I’m guessing that’s because I won’t be having a sexy workout any time soon. We move on to talking about her new job and how it’s going so far. She admits it’s a lot of work and a little overwhelming, but she thinks it was a good move and will only help her in the future.