by Holly Renee
He wrapped his other hand around me and pulled me even further into him.
“Stop, Erica. Please just stop.” His voice cracked, and I knew he was losing his composure.
I stopped fighting him immediately. He buried his face in my neck and took several deep breaths. Moisture ran down my neck from his tears, and I tried to muffle the sob that was crawling its way up my throat.
“Please don’t leave. Please.”
“I had no intention of leaving, Gabe,” I managed to say through my crying. “You’re the one who keeps leaving me.”
“I’m scared.” I barely heard his words, but they didn’t need to be loud to make an impact. I knew how hard it was for him to say that. I doubted that those words had ever passed his lips before.
“What are you scared of?” I asked looking down at the gravestone in front of me.
It felt odd talking to him without seeing him, but he needed this. If he needed to hide behind me for him to open up to me, then I would let him. I would give him just about anything if he would let me in.
“You.” His arms around my waist tightened. “I’m scared of what you can do to me, of what you’ve already done to me, but most of all I am scared of losing you.”
He turned me around in his arms, and even though I knew he had been crying the sight of his damp cheeks was a blow to my chest.
“I’m scared I’ll never be good enough for you. What if I can’t protect you? What if I can’t protect our children when we have them?”
“You are more than good enough, Gabe.”
He shook his head so I reached up, stopped the movement, and stared him straight in the eye.
“You are the best man I know.”
He winced as he placed his hand on top of mine. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew. She wouldn’t say that.” He pointed to the grave that he had been sitting on.
“Then tell me, Gabe. Help me figure it out, because from where I stand, there is nothing about you that isn’t amazing.”
“Come home with me,” he said suddenly, shocking me.
“Home?” He wanted to go home right now? This was just another way for him to avoid talking to me. “No, Gabe. We’re not going home until you talk to me. That’s a long drive. If you want me to ever go home with you, then we have to talk.”
“I didn’t mean that.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Come back to my home here. Come home with me, and I will tell you everything.”
I blinked at him and tried to process his words. I had no idea that he had a home here. Why would he have a home here? What exactly was Gabe hiding from me?
We didn’t talk again as we climbed into his truck. The ride was silent, but the thoughts racing through my mind were screaming at me. What was going on? Was I kidding myself? What did I really even know about Gabe?
He was funny, caring, and an incredibly loyal friend. His and Blake’s friendship was a blaring example of how capable Gabe was of loving someone. But was he capable of loving me?
Was it foolish of me to think that he could ever love me?
We passed by the same houses that I had admired earlier before pulling in the driveway of a white colonial style home that looked like it had recently been updated. The flower beds were bare in comparison to the houses next door, but the siding had been freshly painted and it was clean.
The sound of the engine cut off, and Gabe jumped out of the truck. I could tell that he was making his way to my side of the truck, but I jumped out before he got the chance to open my door.
His eyes were on me as I took in the house in front of me. It was a beautiful home. There was no doubt about it, but I had a hard time deciding what I thought about it when I didn’t know what laid inside it. Those walls could be housing something that could completely change us. It could completely gut me.
I stepped toward the house and Gabe jumped into action. He led the way into the house and his keys clanked as he found the one to unlock the door. I stood behind him with my hands in his sweatshirt pocket. Nervous wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how I was feeling. I felt like I was meeting Gabe’s family for the first time, and in a way, maybe I was. But in reality, I think I was truly meeting his demons.
My footsteps echoed against the hardwood floor as I stepped inside. The house had definitely been updated, and it looked like it was ready for someone to move in. The walls were a generic shade of tan and the furniture matched it in its perfectly tame style. There was no personality anywhere. No color. No pictures on the wall. It looked lonely. Hollow.
Gabe moved through the room and looked around like he was trying to figure out his next step. I could tell this was hard for him. I knew he was hurting, but I was hurting too. He was killing me.
“Have a seat.” Gabe pointed to one of the lifeless couches.
I walked further into the room and sat down at the very edge of the couch. I’m sure it was a comfortable couch, but I wasn’t comfortable. I was coming out of my skin.
“Where are we, Gabe?”
He sat down on an armchair that sat directly across from me and took a deep breath.
“This was my grandparents’ home.”
I was a little shocked by his words because he never talked about his family. As much as he kept his past hidden, I was surprised that he had brought me here.
“This is where I came when I left months ago. Hell, this is where I always run too.”
I didn’t respond for fear that he would quit talking.
“My sister and I used to come here for a few weeks every summer growing up, and it was our favorite days out of the entire year.” He looked around the room, and I could practically see the memories flowing through his mind. “It was the only time that we weren’t worried about what would be waiting on us when we got home. Our grandparents’ were amazing. They took advantage of the time we spent with them, and they filled our days with trips to the zoo or the park. We would go to the movies or the fair if it was in town. We were truly happy when we were here, and I run here because I feel safe here.” His eyes finally met mine. “This was the only place where me and Kara felt safe. My grandparents’ wanted to protect us, but they were too old to take care of two kids full time. I don’t blame them for what happened.”
He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands down his face and over his beard.
“I spent my childhood trying to take care of her. I promise, Erica. I tried my hardest to protect her.” The pain in his voice physically hurt my chest.
“I couldn’t fucking do it. I tried. God, I tried, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t protect her.” His voice cracked along with the shell of anger I was trying so hard to cling on to.
I quickly stood from my perch and knelt down in front of him. Tears were pooling in my eyes from seeing him in pain. He took a shaky breath and his own tears fell over the rim of his eyes and disappeared into his thick beard.
“My parents’ are scum. They are the worst people I have ever met in my life, and I hate them. I hate that they weren’t good parents to us, I hate that we ever had to suffer the way we did, but mostly I hate what they did to her. She was so damn innocent. So sweet. She had a heart of gold. They cared more about chasing their next high than taking care of us. She died at the hands of their drug dealer. She died because I wasn’t strong enough to protect her and because they didn’t care about us enough to even try. I watched that bastard repeatedly hit my baby sister, and all I did was sit there tied to a chair. I tried to get loose. I fought against my restraints, but it wasn’t enough. I watched the life leave my sister’s eyes, and what’s worse, was Blake did too. Blake got pulled into my shit and had to witness the worst day of my life.”
By this point Gabe’s chest was heaving and tears were pouring down his face. I wrapped my arms around his center and buried my face in his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Gabe.” My voice was barely a whisper.
“I don’t want you to be sorry for me. Your pity will kill me. All I wanted was for you to know why I
am the way I am. Why I freaked out when I thought you were pregnant. I won’t make a good father, Erica. I’m not cut out for it.”
“Gabe.”
“No. I would disappoint you and our child. I’m not strong enough.”
“Stop.” This time my voice was full of power and held no trace of hesitation. “What happened to your sister was tragic. It was horrible, but it was not your fault. You were a kid, Gabe.”
Gabe shook his head, but I continued.
“You should have never been put in the position that you were responsible for your sister. That was your parents job. You’re only job was to be a child.”
My hand ran through his beard before I titled his chin up so he was looking at me.
“What happened to Kara was not your fault. You will make a great father someday.” He attempted to look away from me, but I held firm.
“It doesn’t have to be with me. I love you, Gabe. I fucking love you with everything I have, but if I’m not who you love then I will accept that. I just want you to be happy. You are going to make an amazing husband and father one day. Just look at how you are with me. You protect me from everything. You make me happy. You make me laugh. It’s not your responsibility to protect everyone, Gabe. Your only responsibility is to be happy. To fall in love and love hard.”
Gabe leaned in and kissed my lips softly. “I’ve already fallen in love.”
I gasped and he took the opportunity to control the kiss. He slipped his tongue in my mouth and caressed mine. The kiss was rushed and desperate. It was perfect.
Gabe picked me up, and I straddled his lap. He pulled away from me momentarily and searched my face before looking me in the eye.
“I won’t be perfect. I’m going to fuck up. Probably a lot, but I love you.”
I leaned in to kiss him again, but he stopped me.
“I’m sorry for the way I reacted about the pregnancy test. It scared the hell out of me, and I ran.”
“You can’t run here every time something gets scary.”
“I know. That’s why I’ve been fixing up the house. I’m going to sell it. This place has been one of the only places that holds happy memories for me, but I’m ready to start over. I don’t need a house to have happy memories. All I need is you.”
My sob echoed through the room, and Gabe pulled me tight against his body and tucked my head into his neck.
“I’ll try my hardest to be what you need.” His promise vibrated through my body, and I felt it all the way down to my toes.
“You already are.” I pressed a kiss onto his neck. “You’re everything I need.”
Gabe pulled my face out of his neck and took my mouth again. Our hands were pulling each other closer even though no space remained between us. Our teeth clanked in a desperate attempt to not lose connection with each other. My hips ground down against him, and my moan was almost nonexistent as it was devoured by his mouth.
My body was on fire, but I felt fragile. Gabe was the only thing that made me feel truly alive, but I also knew he had the power to destroy me. It was such a scary feeling to put my trust in the fact that he wouldn’t.
Gabe’s hands pushed my sweatshirt up my stomach, and I pulled away from him long enough for him to rip it and my t-shirt over my head. His eyes roamed over my body, and I felt bare before I realized that whatever had been there between us before was gone now. We were both completely bare and open for the other one to devour. There was nothing holding us back.
Gabe’s hands were running down my back, and he pushed my chest up against his mouth. He pushed the cup of my bra down and my breast popped out of the top. His warm mouth latched onto my nipple, and my back arched further into him. He took his time ravaging my breast before moving to the other one. His tongue spun a circle around the tight bud before his teeth grazed across the sensitive skin. He looked up at me, and my pussy clenched. His eyes were on mine, and his tongue was snaked out against my skin.
His erection was pressed against my center, and I sunk myself lower against him to get the friction my body craved. He lifted his hips and pressed further into me, and I cried out.
Gabe’s hands crawled up my back and touched my bra before it fell down my arms. Goosebumps broke out across my skin when his rough pulls of breath floated across my skin. I reached for the hem of Gabe’s shirt as he started tugging on my yoga pants. He let me lift his shirt over his head then I stood up and pulled my pants and panties down my legs. Gabe watched my every movement and managed to get his pants pulled down his thighs before pulling a condom out of his back pocket and slipping it on.
I took my spot back on his lap, and he pulled me into a deep kiss as his cock settled against my slick center. I rocked against him and mewled as he slid against my aching clit. Not being able to wait another second longer, I lifted onto my knees and then sunk down onto him.
With every inch that I dropped, he filled me more and more, and by the time I was settled, my inner walls were clamping around him.
“Fuck, baby.”
I felt completely consumed by him. He was surrounding me inside and out. There wasn’t a single part of me that wasn’t touched by him.
I moved my hips against him and used his shoulders as leverage as I lifted and dropped causing us both to groan. I began moving faster, and I was completely in control. The speed. The depth. The pleasure. It was all in my hands.
A trail of sweat dripped down my chest, and Gabe leaned forward and caught it with his tongue. I lost my rhythm watching his tongue, and Gabe chuckled when he realized that he had put me further in a trance. I began swiveling my hips against him, and I cried out from the change in pressure. My hands gripped his knees and I leaned back while I grinding my hips into his.
Gabe’s hands grabbed my ass, his fingers digging into my skin. He controlled the push and pull of my hips, and I was mesmerized watching our skin slap together.
“Shit.”
My eyes snapped up to see him watching the exact same spot. He was so in control. He managed to dominate me and my body with just the touch of his hands. It amazed me how quickly I went from thinking I was in control to losing all sense of thought.
I lifted off Gabe, and he looked up at me confused when he slipped out of my body. I didn’t say a word. I spun around in the chair and dropped back down on him with my back facing him. My knees were tucked beside his legs, and I leaned forward and controlled my speed by holding onto his knees.
Gabe groaned, and I knew I had taken back some of the control. Gabe was an ass man and mine was right in front of him riding him like it was a mission. His hands were on said ass, and his grip was so tight that I could feel my cheeks spreading apart.
“I can’t wait to fuck this ass,” he growled before loudly smacking my right cheek.
“Mmmm.” My moan filled the air as I began riding him harder.
He tugged my back against his chest and bit down on my ear lobe.
“You like that idea, baby?” he asked. “Do you want me to bury myself balls deep in this pretty little ass of yours.”
“Yes,” I breathed out and was surprised by my own answer. Anal sex wasn’t something I would have ever thought that I wanted, but hearing Gabe talking about it made me want it right here and now.
Gabe turned my face toward his and captured my lips. I slipped my arms around his neck and buried my hands in his thick hair. His hands were running up and down my body, swirling the moisture on my skin. His right hand caressed my breast, distracting me from his left. It was completely off my radar until I felt his fingers smack my clit with a quick, hard slap.
My body combusted around him, and I screamed out as I lost the ability to show any restraint. I continued to fuck him with everything I had as I rode out my orgasm, and Gabe equally matched me thrust for thrust. Gabe pushed my chest down against his legs, and he thrust into my limp body with his hands once again gripping my ass. He slapped my ass again, and my pussy clenched around him. I had never felt the stirring of an orgasm so quickly after another on
e.
His hand tangled in my hair, and I could feel his control slipping. His thrusts became brutal, and his grip on me felt frantic. I mustered up the energy to arch my body into him and listening to him come apart behind me threw me back over the edge.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” His moans echoed off the walls in the house, but for the first time didn’t hit the walls between us.
Once we were finally able to move, Erica called Kat to let her know that she was with me and that we wouldn’t be home for a few days. We had a shitload more to talk about, and we needed the time to ourselves. No interruptions. No distractions.
I gave Erica a tour of the house and explained to her what I had done in each room to update it. When we made it to the bedroom, she asked me to lie down with her, and I couldn’t resist. So there we were lying on a bed, fully clothed, staring at each other.
“Why did you hide everything about your family from me?” she asked.
I could tell she was still timid about asking me questions that had anything to do with my past.
“It was a horrible time in my life. It’s not something that I ever like to think about, and I don’t want you to see me that way.” I reached out and tucked a stray curl behind her ear.
“I will never see you as anything but the man you are with me. I will never think about you badly.”
“That’s the worst part. I knew you wouldn’t. Your heart reminds me so much of Kara. You’re so damn pure and giving. You love so freely.” Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink as she hid her eyes from me before looking back up at me with moisture shining in them.
“I would have loved to meet her.”
“She would have loved to meet you too. You two would have gotten along great. I would have had my hands full.”
She smiled almost sadly. “You know that it’s okay for you to talk about her; to talk about the happy memories you had together. I know it will never take them away, but the more positive memories you think about, the less power you give to the haunting ones.”
What she said made sense, but pain still clutched my chest. I couldn’t fathom the idea of having more nightmares. Any time I typically thought about Kara, I would be consumed with haunting dreams. But maybe she was right. I never let her smile and laughter enter my mind because I was too busy trying to block out the memories of the days I wish I could take away.