by Minna Howard
She got home at last, hoping that Polly had arrived back. Knowing how often planes were late, she was not perturbed when she saw that the house was in darkness. She let herself in and, when she had taken her coat off, went into the living room and saw the light on her answerphone winking furiously at her.
The first call was from Celine: ‘I’m back safely. Polly is staying out a few more days – love, as they say, is all.’
The next message was from Polly. She could hear her breathless excitement, evoking tears of regret at the back of her own eyes: ‘Mum, I’ll be back on Monday. I don’t want to come back at all, but Will says I must finish my degree. Love you lots, bye.’
Sarah remembered Polly’s anguish when Joe had left her. How quickly she had recovered. How serious was Will? She was so engrossed in thinking of this that she did not take in much of the next message, but it suddenly dawned on her that it was Dan’s voice, the voice she had loved for so long, the voice that now whispered endearments to another woman.
‘... so if you’ll give me a ring, please, Sarah,’ he finished.
Her stomach clenched in fear. He wanted more of the share of the money and she didn’t have it. Would she have to give it to him? She should go for a divorce and be free of him, but what if the court decided that she had got too much money from the sale of their house in the Crescent and made her give it to him? She would have to sell this house; there would be no other way.
She would not ring him. She could not bear to hear him being ‘reasonable’. Behaving as if he was a nice, decent guy who could not understand why she should mind his defection so much and be so bad-tempered about it. She’d better look into getting herself a good solicitor which she could ill afford. Swallowing these new fears, she phoned Celine to welcome her home and hear about Polly.
‘They are passionately in love – if only you could bottle it and hand it out, the world would be a better place,’ Celine said cheerfully. ‘And don’t worry, he is charming. Good-looking, intelligent, and on his way home – you won’t lose her to the travelling set.’
‘Lucky girl,’ Sarah said.
‘I know, wish it were me. Still, love has its downside, too, and don’t we know it? Now, tell me about Vogue, heard anything more?’ Just before she went up to bed, Sarah remembered that she had not played back Dan’s message. After cooking herself some scrambled eggs, she caught up on some household chores and watched the 10 o’clock news. She tried to keep busy in the evenings to banish the empty, lonely feeling round her heart. Her emotions were always at their worst at night time and when she was tired. She’d be fine in the morning. But the knowledge that Dan’s voice was on the answering-machine tempted her to switch it on and listen.
It came into the room, so familiar it hurt her like a physical pain, as if it was his voice from the dead. Yet it had no place here in her new life, and she mourned the change.
‘I hope you are well. I wondered if we could meet. I’ve some things to discuss with you that I think are important. I’ll be in the office tomorrow, so if you’ll give me a ring please, Sarah.’ She had a terrible temptation to play it again and again, just to hear his voice. But she turned off the light and went up to bed. She must not do it – that way led to madness.
Fifteen
Sarah had just dropped off to a restless sleep when she was woken by a woman’s laughter. She heard Robert’s voice in the street, then his front door open and close. She put on her light and glanced at her clock. It was a quarter to one. She hated being woken up minutes after she had fallen asleep; it disrupted her sleep for the rest of the night. Trust Robert to do that to her by bringing back a woman, she grumbled to herself.
Her mouth felt dry and there was a little sickness in her stomach. Her reaction irritated her. It was not jealousy because she cared who Robert bought home, it was because she wished she had someone of her own to curl up with: Dan, back as he used to be. There was no reason at all why Robert’s love life should lose her any sleep. But it did. She picked up the historical novel she was reading and forced herself to read, to stop the monstrous thoughts of Robert’s sexual antics crowding into her brain.
When the alarm went off, waking her for work, she felt as if she had barely slept. Tired and scratchy, she pulled on her clothes, tried to inspire youth and vitality in her tired face with make-up, and failed. She heard Robert moving on the other side of the wall. Was he cooking breakfast for his lady love?
*
She’d barely been in the shop five minutes when the phone rang. Thinking it was probably Celine saying she was going to be late, she put on a cheerful voice. It was Dan.
‘Did you get my call last night?’ he said.
‘Yes. What is it about?’
‘Don’t sound so grumpy, Sarah.’ He sounded hurt.
‘Why should I not?’ she snapped. ‘You have ruined our life by going off with a mouse. Why should I sound pleased to hear from you?’
‘Sarah, don’t let’s quarrel.’ She recognised his ‘determined not to lose his temper’ voice. ‘I just felt we ought to meet, talk things over sensibly. I mean, time has gone by and…’
He wanted the money, and he was going to be caring and friendly while he tortured her for it. He earned a very good salary, and as this month he had not paid her the usual allowance – no doubt as a punishment for not giving him the rest of the money – he was hardly on the poverty line.
‘I haven’t time to discuss anything now. I’ve got masses of work on. Vogue wants to do an interview, and I’m studying hard. I haven’t time to see you.’
‘You can’t be that busy, if you have time to go out in the evening.’ He couldn’t be jealous. Was that it? How dare he, after what he’d done to her?
She said, ‘I can live my life as I please now. Choose who I have time to see. You have; I will do the same.’
There was a silence, and she was about to put down the receiver when he said, ‘I just wondered what you and the children were doing at Christmas. I thought… well.’ He emitted a short laugh. ‘We are all adult, and they would enjoy it if we spent it together. It always was such a special time.’
Spend Christmas together? Had she heard right? Would they sleep in the same bed, and then would he go off to his mouse on Boxing Day? Or, worse still, expect her to come for Christmas, too? Sarah loved Christmas. They’d had such good ones when she was a child, and she’d kept up the practice. She always decorated the house, cooked wonderful traditional food, and they usually had a party. It had been like that last year. If she had been told then that it would be the last happy Christmas they would spend together as a family, she would not have believed it.
She said a little sadly, ‘It was special.’
And before she could go on, he jumped in with, ‘That’s what I thought. We could all go somewhere together. A hotel, perhaps, do something different.’
‘We are going to Edward and Mandy. They asked us ages ago.’
‘That’s always fun. Lots of interesting people’ Dan said.
She could not believe his audacity. ‘They haven’t invited you,’ she said. ‘Not after what you did. You chose to leave us, Dan, for that mouse, and a whirl around in a red sports car. You can’t just come back when it suits you. What’s she doing over Christmas, and isn’t that baby being born soon?’ Was his affair over and this was his way of coming back to her? The thought, which a few months ago might have delighted her, now irritated her. Despite the aching loneliness in her heart, she would not take him back now – it was too late.
She heard the hesitation in his voice, his effort to sound casual. ‘Oh, Nina has to go home to her elderly father. There is no room for me.’
So, that was it. Dan had loved their Christmases. His own mother disliked spending money unnecessarily, and he hadn’t had a lavish one until he had married her. Sympathy for him oozed into her, as he knew it would.
He said, ‘I think we should still celebrate this important time together as a family, don’t you, Sarah?’
B
ut the old, malleable Sarah had gone; she felt her new strength kick in.
‘We are no longer a family, have you forgotten?’ she said. She could not go through his defection again when Christmas was over. And what would the sleeping arrangements be? What would the mouse do if he tucked himself up in bed again with his wife? Maybe Sarah could get him back if she really put herself out, but she didn’t want to. Apart from everything else, she didn’t know where he had been. Maybe the mouse was not the only woman he had slept with. Maybe he had caught some nasty sexual disease.
She had willingly given him so much of herself over the years, and he had rejected it, thrown it back in her face. She had no more to give him now.
‘You should have thought about that before you dumped me and rushed off,’ she said tartly. ‘Happy Christmases are part of a happy family. Thanks to you, we’re not that anymore.’ She put down the receiver, feeling decidedly wobbly and tearful.
Celine came into the shop at that moment and could not help but overhear her last remark.
She said, ‘Dan?’
Sarah nodded, spewed out his request, then she felt ashamed of herself. ‘I’m sorry, Celine.’ She hugged her. ‘Welcome back. I didn’t mean to throw all this at you the minute you walked in. He just rang, caught me out.’
‘Has she dumped him?’ Celine asked, while she took off her coat.
‘I don’t think so. She’s got to go home to Daddy. Maybe he disapproves of Dan. I wonder how she will explain the baby.’
‘It will do him good to be alone, see what it is like for you. But maybe he’ll find some friends to spend it with. Has he any family?’
‘I don’t know which friends would ask him. Most of our friends feel rather awkward about the breakup. I suppose Linda and Gerry might have him, though they usually go to her parents. Dan has a sister but they don’t get on. I don’t even know where she is living now; somewhere in Canada, I think.’ The guilt that she had refused his request was eating round her heart, but she would not give in to it. Guilt was a woman’s biggest enemy; it made them slaves to their families, and in turn sometimes made their children into monsters who expected everything to be done for them. She was certainly guilty of that. The pleasure of looking after a family brought with it the pitfalls of indulging them too much.
Not having children, Celine did not understand this kind of guilt. She said, ‘You have made your plans to go to your brother and sister-in-law, haven’t you? So, stick to them. What would Dan do after Christmas anyway? Gobble up his turkey and Christmas pud, all cooked by you, then go off back to her. You can’t allow him to do that to you.’
‘I won’t. The children and I are going to Scotland without him. Edward won’t have him after what he’s done. He’s furious with him.’
The phone rang again. Celine snatched it up.
‘She’s not here,’ she said, in her most imperious voice. ‘Goodbye.’ And she slapped down the receiver. ‘The cheek of him,’ she said disdainfully.
‘Tell me about your trip and about Polly,’ Sarah said, to change the subject before it overwhelmed her.
‘We did very well. Bought some wonderful fabrics. I’ve got some samples somewhere.’ She delved about in her large leather bag and pulled out some brilliant silks, the colours dancing in the electric light, cheering up the grey winter day.
‘She’s very good with people, your Polly. She picked things up very quickly and, as I said before, she’s got a good eye, but then she is studying art and design.
‘Yes, she’s always been keen on art.’ Sarah was dying to know about the new man. ‘So, tell me about… Will.’
Celine laughed. ‘Oh, love, how I wish it would hit me again like that! They met in the street; it was ridiculous, really – if we’d been there a minute earlier or later, they might never have met each other. Fate, I suppose. I don’t know why we Westerners don’t trust it more.’
‘So, they just met in the street?’
‘Yes. They caught each other’s eye. Hardly surprising, I suppose, two Brits standing on a street in India. They started talking, and he came with us to the shop. That was it, but he’s lovely; perfect for her, I’d say.’
‘I’m so glad.’ Sarah remembered how much Polly had professed to love Joe, and how deeply his defection had hurt her.
*
Polly arrived back so late before term started that she hardly had time to turn round and get back to university.
‘I don’t want to go back at all,’ she said blissfully. ‘I want to stay out there with Will. Oh, Mum!’ She hugged her. ‘He is the one. I can’t think what I saw in Joe. He was such a baby.’
Sarah had not the heart to tell her that Dan had suggested they have Christmas together and that she had refused him. Will was not coming back to Britain until February, so he would not be part of the equation. But Sarah’s plans were made and she would keep to them. The three of them would fly up to Scotland on 23 December and stay there until just after the New Year.
The following week, Tim rang her while she was at home one evening. ‘Mum, Dad’s going to take us skiing for Christmas. He’s got us into a chalet; do you want to come?’
‘But we’re going to Scotland! It’s all settled, I’ve got the tickets,’ she said, aghast. How dare Dan go behind her back like that?
‘Oh, Uncle Edward won’t mind, he’s easy like that. It’s the only chance I’ll get to ski this year, and Dad’s paying, which is great as I’m skint.’ He went on enthusing about it. ‘You can come, too,’ he said, ‘if you want to.’
‘I don’t want to,’ she managed to reply. This is what broken families were like. Children’s loyalties split like this. If Tim had said he’d made other plans to spend Christmas with friends, she’d have been sad, but would have accepted it. Dan had quite ruthlessly engineered this because he did not want to be alone for Christmas. ‘And Polly?’ she said.
‘Yes, Pol will come. Dad called me the other evening and suggested it.’
‘Is that woman going?’ She could not stop herself from asking.
‘Nina? No, she’s got to go to her father. He’s not well, and being pregnant she can’t ski anyway. We’ll only be gone a week. Then we can come and join you in Scotland, have another Christmas with you,’ he said cheerfully.
She put down her mobile and wept. How easy it was for Dan to get what he wanted. The children loved skiing, but it was an expensive holiday, and a couple of years ago Dan had told them he could no longer afford to pay for them to go. Now all he had to do was offer to pay and she had lost them.
It was no comfort telling herself that Dan was their father and as they hadn’t seen him for a while it was only natural that they wanted to be with him. The cold truth was that a skiing holiday was more fun than Scotland, and the bait he had offered was too tempting for them to refuse.
When Polly rang a little while later, Sarah could hardly listen to her convoluted explanations.
‘Why don’t you come, too, Mum? We can all be together then,’ she said with enthusiasm.
How simple it was for them. Tim and Polly wanted her and Dan to be together again, perhaps even imagined this holiday would fix that, but it was quite impossible for her. They would not know the agony she would suffer being with Dan, knowing he no longer loved her and wished that another woman was there in her place.
‘No,’ she said, controlling her misery as best as she could. ‘I’ll go to Uncle Edward’s as planned. You go with your father.’
‘But Mum!’ Polly wailed, knowing she had betrayed her, but unable to resist a skiing holiday with her father, especially with him being on his own, without Nina.
‘Don’t worry about it, Pol,’ Sarah said, and rang off.
The doorbell rang, hard and strident. Crushed with this new onslaught on her happiness, she went robot-like to open it. Robert stood there, a spray of pure white orchids arching from a pot in his hand.
‘For you,’ he said, ‘something beautiful.’
She burst into tears and tried to slam the
door, but he held it open firmly, his expression concerned.
‘Heavens!’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean for you to react like that. Don’t you like them?’
‘Please go,’ she spluttered, embarrassed and ashamed of her constant weeping.
‘Let me put this inside for you,’ he said, venturing slowly into the living room, one eye on her reaction. ‘This is so pretty,’ he said admiringly, looking round the room. He put the pot of orchids on a magazine that lay on the table. ‘You’re surely not crying because I gave you an orchid, are you?’ he went on. ‘I haven’t poisoned it or anything. I just thought you’d like it.’
She had controlled herself by now. ‘It’s nothing to do with you, but I would like you to take the orchid away again. Nothing you say or do will ever make me change my mind over the house.’
He stood there, regarding her. His hair was blown about, giving him a raffish air; his slate-blue eyes were like deep pools, waiting, probing into her face.
His presence made her uncomfortable. She had a ridiculous urge to rest her head on that blue-shirted chest. She could almost feel the smoothness of the linen against her cheek, hear his heart beating under her ear. Perhaps he would put his arms round her, hold her to him.
She firmly banished such a ridiculous thought. ‘Please take the orchid away,’ she repeated. ‘I don’t like them.’
‘Throw it in the bin then,’ he said, and walked out of the house.
Sixteen
Sarah did not like orchids. She’d always thought them sinister, with their freckled throats and their luring petals that threatened some strange magic power. But this one was different. She sat looking at the delicate arch of its stem with the cluster of pure white flowers springing like stars from it. It was beautiful in its simplicity. Although she tried quite a few times, she could not bring herself to throw it away.