by J. Sterling
Relief coursed through her veins. She hadn’t realized it before, but maybe she somehow needed his permission to love Cooper. His blessing. His approval. She needed to know that it wouldn’t make him feel any less loved if she loved someone else.
“Will we ever be together, you and me?” She was desperate for answers that would make the idea of letting him go easier. If she had the promise of futures with Austen, then maybe, just maybe, she could walk away from him in this life.
“We, Katherine Johns, have many lifetimes to share together. After this one, of course,” he assured her.
“You promise?” His words gave her hope.
“I’ve seen them,” he lied.
****
Her eyes opened to see a familiar pair of eyes that reminded her of sunflowers staring back at her.
“Hi, favorite eye,” Katherine said to the eye with the speck in it.
“How are you feeling?”
“I think I’m okay. But hot.” She noticed the amount of blankets piled on top of her body and quickly tossed a few off.
“Were you dreaming?” Cooper asked nonchalantly, but his voice held a hint of sadness.
“I was.”
“Were you with him? I mean, how does it work? Are you with him every time you go to sleep?”
“Not every time, but pretty often. Does it bother you? I mean, now that you know?” She was tired of making everyone around her feel bad, especially Cooper. He had been perfect since the moment she’d met him and he didn’t deserve to be in constant pain because of her.
“It’s just hard, I guess. I know that if he was alive right now, you’d be in his lap and not mine. I know that if he was physically here…I wouldn’t be. And that thought alone makes my stomach knot up.”
She took a deep breath and acknowledged he was right. If Austen were alive, she would be with him. Of course she would. Her heart wouldn’t allow her to be with anyone else. Her soul would align itself next to his like a magnet. “But he’s not here, Cooper. You are.”
“What if it’s not enough? What if you never get over him?”
“Cooper. I told you last night that I loved you and I meant it. I know you’re not Austen. And on the flip side of that, Austen’s not you. I don’t want you to be anyone or anything you’re not. I promise you that who you are is more than enough for me.”
Cooper leaned down and brought her mouth to his. For the first time in months, she was happy it was Cooper’s arms that held her.
“You could have died today,” she said with a question in her voice.
“Yes,” Cooper said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“Why’d you do it? I mean, what if you would have fallen in too?”
He shrugged. “I couldn’t just sit there and watch you drown. I didn’t have a choice.”
“What do you mean?”
“My body kicked into gear. It was like my instincts were in overdrive and I knew I had to do whatever it took to save you. My brain didn’t stand a chance against my heart.”
“So if you could have stopped yourself, would you have?”
“Are you insane? All I meant was that before I even had a chance to think, I was in the water. Had I let my brain catch up to my body, I still would have done the exact same thing.” He looked at her thoughtfully. “Nothing about the person I am would ever let anything happen to you. Not as long as I can help it.”
At that moment she’d never felt more secure. The fact that Cooper had literally risked his life for hers was something she couldn’t fully process. It was something you had to experience to grasp. “I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you for saving my life.”
He looked down at her, one side of his mouth tipped up in a half grin. “You’re probably indebted to me forever now. So basically, I think I own you.”
Katherine laughed. “Own me?”
“Oh yeah. Come on, it’s a fair trade.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Crazy about you,” he reminded her, but she didn’t need the reminder.
They were kissing when Taylor walked in. “Oh gross, you two. Get a room.” Taylor dropped down in a squat next to Katherine, and reached out a hand to check her forehead for fever. “I was so worried.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I think I’m all right. I mean, I feel good right now. But I am kinda hungry.” She glanced at Cooper.
“It would be a good idea to get you to stand up.”
“Okay,” Katherine agreed. At this point, she’d do anything Cooper suggested. She sat up and swayed a little.
“You okay?” he asked with concern.
“Just a little light-headed and dizzy.” She touched the side of her head.
“That’s normal.”
Cooper helped Katherine into a chair and then worked on heating up some soup, bread, and pasta.
Katherine’s mind reeled. She flashed back to her fall through the ice, seeing Austen, and then suddenly seeing Cooper. She couldn’t get past what Cooper had done for her today. The accident suddenly forced everything into perspective. Katherine knew she could no longer continue living—if that’s what you called it—in her sleep.
She had been living to dream. Everything that happened during the day was just one step closer to where she really wanted to be…asleep and with Austen. And while she didn’t fault herself for her actions, she knew it was time to move on. Her chest ached with the realization. But amidst all the pain, she felt a small sliver of relief. And that little glimmer informed her that she was making the right decision.
Taylor’s laughter stopped Katherine’s daydream. She laughed when she noticed the boys dancing around the kitchen wearing aprons. Sometimes the best dreams happen while you’re wide awake, Katherine mused silently.
“How are you feeling, California?” Cooper asked.
“Much better, thanks.”
“Good!”
“Do you see how much food you just ate?” Danny pointed at Katherine’s empty plate.
“Almost dying takes a lot of energy,” she quipped back.
Taylor smiled. “Thank goodness.”
Katherine felt well enough to help Taylor clean up the dinner mess while the guys headed downstairs to play a quick game of pool. A very quick game, as Danny apparently ran the table and creamed Cooper. The boys were heading back upstairs before the girls were finished.
“What’s wrong with you, man?” Danny asked. “I never beat you in pool.”
“Off night, I guess.”
“You feeling all right? You don’t look too good,” Katherine overheard Danny ask Cooper.
“Oh yeah. Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix.”
“All right then.”
Katherine watched as the guys glanced toward the kitchen, but plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV instead.
“So…things seem different between you and Coop,” Taylor whispered as they finished the dishes.
“Today sort of changed things. I can’t explain it, but I feel different inside.”
“So, you and my brother are going to break up?”
“At some point, yeah. I mean, this was a wake-up call. I can’t keep living the way I’ve been living.”
“I know it must be hard, but you’re doing the right thing.” Taylor dried the last plate and set it down on the countertop.
“Thanks. I know it’s the right thing to do, but my heart doesn’t like being logical.” Katherine grabbed on to a chair for balance as her eyes rolled back.
“Whoa. You okay there, cowgirl?” Taylor asked.
“Yeah, just a little dizzy. Plus, I’m really tired. I’m sure it’s nothing.” Katherine smiled to reassure her friend.
“I’ll grab the guys, you go sit down,” Taylor insisted and Katherine dropped into the nearest chair, more than happy to oblige.
For the rest of the evening, Cooper refused to let Katherine out of his sight. In all honesty, she didn’t mind. It was the first time in
ages her thoughts were only of him. She didn’t long to be anywhere or with anyone else.
She fell asleep on the couch in Cooper’s arms. When she’d tried to go upstairs to bed, he’d refused to let her spend the night alone after the traumatic day she’d had, so they curled up together where they were. When she woke up once during the night, she smiled as she felt Cooper’s arms still wrapped securely around her.
Later, they both startled awake to the sound of doors slamming shut and a car speeding away. Katherine looked at Cooper, who shrugged, and she snuggled back into his arms.
“Do you want to go get into your bed?” Cooper asked.
“I think so.” She started to get up, but Cooper didn’t budge. “Come with me, please. I don’t want to sleep alone.” Cooper followed her into the bedroom and they both lay on top of the bed. He pulled the comforter over them as Katherine snuggled into his chest. They fell asleep in each other’s arms.
****
Katherine walked down the familiar sandy path toward the silhouette on the bench. The beach was dark and the moon hung in the sky above as if waiting to witness the heartbreak about to come. Austen stood and met her on the pathway. She started to speak, but he stopped her. He pulled her close and sang softly into her ear. She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder as they swayed back and forth together, slow dancing beneath the moonlight to music only they could hear. Tears slid down her cheeks as she hid her face from him, and her heart felt like it had dropped to the sand below.
She broke the silence. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“I know.” He gently thumbed a tear from her cheek as another fell from the corner of her eye.
“It hurts so much. I need you to know how painful this is.” She placed his hand above her heart. “I know we keep saying it’s the right thing to do, but wouldn’t staying here like this be easier?”
“Sometimes the right thing to do is the harder thing.” He leaned down to kiss her sweet lips. “I love you, Katherine. I always will.”
His words almost brought her to her knees. She thought they might give out on her at any moment and she’d tumble to the ground at his feet. “I don’t think I can do this, Austen.” She sobbed and began to cry so hard that she had trouble breathing. Leaning over, she clenched at her stomach for a moment. “It hurts.” Her chest felt like it had caved in on her from the inside.
“I know, babe. I know.” He tried desperately to console her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her tight.
“I can’t. It’s too much. I can’t do it.” She wept in his arms. “Oh, God. I don’t want to live without you.”
The reality of saying good-bye to him forever was simply too much for her to bear. She felt like she might crumple to the sand beneath her feet, turn to dust and blow away with the other grains.
Katherine watched as Austen wiped at his tears and took control of his voice. “I’ll never leave you. I’ll always be here, Katherine. We can’t keep doing this. You know why you came here tonight. You have to do it.”
He shuffled the weight from one foot to the other as Katherine wondered for a moment if he didn’t want to her to. His next words were a painful reminder. “Just do it,” he whispered under his breath.
She sniffed and let out a quick huff. “You’re right.” She swiped at her cheeks and looked into his clear blue eyes. “Do we just say good-bye then and walk away like nothing? Like it never mattered or happened?”
He reached out, lifting her chin up with his fingertips. “Don’t say that. We both know it was the wrong time for us. But we matter. We will always matter.”
He kissed her again, his lips slowly devouring hers. There was more passion in that one kiss than in most people have in a lifetime.
“I will love you until the day I die,” she told him.
“Well, I’m already dead and I still love you. So I win.” He half smiled.
“That’s not funny.”
He sobered and cupped her cheek in his hand. “I know.”
Katherine looked at him with longing and took one last deep breath. “Good-bye, Austen.”
She gathered up all the courage she could muster and walked down the path, away from the beach. She knew if she didn’t leave now, she never would. Her legs tried to stop walking. Her heart begged her to stay. Her eyes willed her to turn around and look at him one last time. But there was no way she could see his face again and leave. So she continued to stumble forward.
“Good-bye, Katherine.”
****
Austen stood and watched until she was out of sight. He wanted to run after her, stop her, beg her to stay. But he knew all he could do was allow her to walk out of his life forever. Once he was sure she was gone, he fell to his knees in heart-wrenching pain and clutched his chest, sobbing her name.
Chapter Seventeen
Cooper woke to the sound of Katherine’s sobs. She cried in her sleep and tears streamed down her cheeks, soaking her pillow. He wanted to wake her, but he guessed where she was and who she was with. Out of respect, he let her continue sleeping. He watched her shake and cry. It hurt him to see her in such pain and he wanted to make it go away, but knew it wasn’t his place. He thought of her and Austen and assumed they were happy, laughing and loving. It made him sick to think about.
Then she opened her eyes.
He watched as she wiped the tears from her face. “Are you okay?” he asked, even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear her answer.
She looked at him and steadied her breathing. “I will be.”
“Did something happen?”
“I think I need to go for a walk.” She pushed away from his arms and out of the bed.
Cooper hesitated, not wanting her to wander around outside by herself. What if she was still weak and something happened to her? He started to get up when she stopped him.
“I need to be by myself right now, Cooper.”
“Did you change your mind?” he asked. “About us?” What if one night’s dream could change everything that had transpired between them? He tried to keep his face impassive as his stomach churned.
Katherine looked at him tenderly and placed a hand on his cheek. “No. I haven’t changed my mind. But I need to be alone for a bit.” Her words would have reassured his worried heart, but the pain he glimpsed in her eyes gave him pause.
“Take this with you, please.” Cooper handed her a walkie-talkie.
She reached out to take the slick black device and rolled her eyes at him.
“You never know. You might feel light-headed or something.”
“Okay, weirdo.” She gave him a lopsided smile as she closed the door behind her and headed out into the chilly air.
****
Katherine looked for a place where she could sit and be alone with her thoughts. Being with Cooper so quickly after Austen was painful; she felt like she didn’t deserve either of them. Her heart ached as she grieved. She wanted to fall to her knees and scream at the very idea of never being able to talk to or feel Austen again. Her mind shifted between extreme sadness and sheer happiness as she thought of all that she and Austen had shared. Gradually her perspective shifted to one of thankfulness. She knew it was rare to experience what she had and felt genuinely blessed.
Peace and silence engulfed her as a light snow began to fall. It was as if she had the entire lake to herself. She silently thanked Austen for all he had given her. She told him silently that she loved him and that no one could ever replace what she felt for him in her heart. Her body filled with warmth as she closed her eyes and let the snow fall on her face.
Cooper’s image filtered into her thoughts. Thinking about him brought excited chills to her body. He had always deserved her heart and she was finally ready to give it to him. Well, most of it anyway. She would never have her whole heart to give.
She wiped away the lone teardrop that rested on her cheek and stood up, brushing the snow from her pants. With one last thought of Austen, she walked back toward th
e house…and Cooper. The walkie-talkie clicked and she let Cooper know she was on her way back.
He met her at the door with a steaming mug of tea. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him carefully, trying not to spill. “Thank you for being so understanding about everything. I really appreciate it.”
Cooper set the cup down and lifted her up into his arms. “So you’re still in love with me then?”
“Absolutely.”
He pressed his lips against hers and kissed her until she could barely breathe. “We should probably get going. I’ll go find Taylor and Danny.”
Katherine smiled and thanked him again. She headed into the room where she had slept and her things were scattered all over the floor. She didn’t remember leaving it like that. When she walked into the bathroom, she saw more of the same, bottles were strewn all across the countertop and along the floor. A confused look spread across her face as she bent down to pick everything up. “Maybe I did this last night and I don’t remember? Weird.”
Just then Cooper rushed in and asked her if she had seen Taylor or Danny. “No. Why? Can’t you find them?”
“No. They aren’t anywhere. Where would they have gone?”
“Maybe they went for a walk? Did you check outside?” Katherine shrugged.
“I’ll go look now. You didn’t see them when you were out there, did you?”
“No.” Then she remembered the eerie quiet. “I…didn’t see anyone.”
Cooper headed out of the bathroom and she heard a door slam. Katherine shivered as a weird feeling came over her, a feeling that something wasn’t right. She walked into the kitchen and noticed a pile of dirty plates and she searched her memory. Hadn’t they just cleaned the dishes last night after dinner? She swore they had. She heard the downstairs door slam as Cooper ran up the stairs.
His eyes were wide as he burst into the kitchen. “My Jeep isn’t here.”
“What?”
Cooper’s expression was frantic and for the second time since she’d met him, he looked scared and unsure of himself. “The Jeep is gone and they aren’t here.”
“What is happening and why is it so cold, Cooper? I’m so cold all of a sudden.” He walked over to her and squeezed her tight.