Chasing Logan

by Tracy Lorraine

  “Whoa, who’s that?” Bella whispers to me obviously seeing the same thing that I am.

  “Probably just a friend,” I reply trying to sound like I’m not affected by it.

  “Cole,” Bella warns and I know then that I’ve done a shit job of covering the waves of jealously that are obviously pouring off me. “There is something a little too familiar there,” she comments under her breath as we approach them. I don’t know whether she’s just making an observation or is actually warning me.

  “That was a beautiful service,” Bella says once she is stood in front of Logan, she then she leans forward and kisses his cheek.

  “She’d be proud of you, Logan.” I say when Bella has stepped away and I place my hand on his shoulder for emphasis. It’s not what I want to do but I know it’s all I can right now. I don’t miss the other guy’s eyes widen at my use of Logan’s name. It was the same look I got off of Drew and Logan’s parents when we first arrived. I obviously underestimated how much it meant when he told me his real name. It’s not lost on me that I haven’t given him the same in return. I will though.

  “Bella, Cole, this is Aiden. Drew’s best mate,” he adds on as if it needs explaining.

  “Nice to meet you, Aiden. I’m Bella and this is Cole, we’re two of Logan’s dancers,” Bella says so sweetly it makes me want to puke.

  “Nice to…uh…meet you both.” As Aiden says this I can see him sizing me up. He’s a bit like me in a way I guess. It’s not obvious that he’s gay, not like Connor. But I can tell from a mile off and I don’t like that he’s still standing a little too close to Logan.

  “We need to catch up, Lo. I want to hear about being on tour. It’s not the same without you around,” Aiden say turning his attention back to Logan.

  I feel the green eyed monster creeping back in as I watch Aiden smile at Logan. There is something calculating about the look and I don’t like it. Once again Bella must sense it because she grabs my hand and pulls me off saying we need to see Mia, Drew and Logan’s parents.

  We’ve just got back to Logan’s house from the wake. Bella dropped us both off before disappearing back home to give us some privacy. She knows that I’m practically vibrating with the need to ask about Aiden and she obviously doesn’t want to be around to witness the outcome of that conversation.

  I’m sat on Logan’s bed watching him pull his suit off in favour of a pair of jogging bottoms and a t-shirt. I’m distracted from my thoughts until he has himself covered up.

  “So, you and Aiden good friends then?” I try to appear relaxed as I ask, like I’m just intrigued when in reality I’m dying to know the truth about their relationship.

  “Yeah, sort of, I was always the little brother but we all grew up together really.”

  “Oh right, is that it?”

  My question stops him in his tracks as he heads towards the door. “What are you suggesting exactly?” Logan snaps.

  “Nothing, you just looked…friendly, that’s all.”

  “Yeah, well…we’re friends.”

  “Okay, sorry.” Well if I wasn’t sure there was something between them earlier then I’m certain now after that reaction.

  I follow Logan downstairs and by the time I find him he’s already poured himself a decent serving of whiskey. He has it to his lips before my mouth runs away with me.

  “I didn’t think you ever actually drank it?”

  “I don’t but I’ve just cremated my sister so I’m going for it.”

  I watch him with my mouth snapped shut as he necks the entire glass. He pulls a face as it burns all the way down but I don’t say anything.

  “What?” he snaps when he sees me looking at him.

  “Nothing, I’m just worried about you.”

  “Oh, I’m fine. Just dandy,” he says as he pours himself another massive glass.

  “So did you all go to school together?” I ask after a few minutes of painful silence but regret it instantly.

  “Enough, Cole,” he snaps as he slams his tumbler down on the worktop. I’m amazed it doesn’t shatter everywhere.

  “Sorry,” I mutter once again following him from the room. “I need to tell you something,” I say remembering what I thought about earlier. “I should have told you before now but it never came up.”

  “Go on,” he prompts.

  “So you know how you told me your name wasn’t really Chase. Well I guess I should have told you then that Cole isn’t actually my name, it’s part of my surname. After everything that happened with my-”

  “WHAT?” he roars.

  “My name isn’t really-” I go to repeat but it’s the wrong thing to do.

  “Get out,” he says so quietly that I think I’ve misheard. I go to step towards him and just lift my arm to grab his hand when he repeats himself only louder. “Get. Out.”

  “Logan, what-”

  “Get out of my house now. I don’t even know who you are. GET THE FUCK OUT.”

  “Of course you know who I am. Cole is what everyone I know calls me because I can’t bear to be called my real one. It brings back too many memories.”

  Logan goes to walk away but turns at the last minute. He wobbles as he turns showing that the whiskey he’s just drank has hit him hard. Once he’s righted himself he reaches out and grabs my arm. He tugs as if to pull me to him and I’m relieved for a split second but then he side steps me and pulls me towards his front door.

  “Now get out,” he says in an eerie voice.

  The second my feet hit outside ground the door is slammed behind me. The following bang against the front door scares the shit out of me.

  “Fuck,” I mutter as I stand there unsure of what to do next. I could bang on the door and beg for him to let me back in but I don’t think he’s going to allow that any time soon and it will only make me look weak, and I hate looking weak.

  So I do the only thing I can. I put my hand in my pocket and pull my phone out. Luckily I put it in there earlier otherwise I’d be fucked right now.

  I sit myself on the curb outside Logan’s house and wait. The nights are drawing out now it’s spring but it’s getting dark fast and the temperature is seriously dropping.

  It seems like no time at all before Bella is pulling up next to me. I was expecting that to be a much more painful wait. I hop up off the curb and head around to the passenger side, watching where I step because I don’t have any shoes or socks on. Everything is inside Logan’s house apart from the clothes I’m wearing and my phone.

  “What the hell happened?” Bella asks before my arse has even touched the seat.

  “He knocked back a load of whiskey, that on top of all the emotion from today just about finished him off I think.”

  “That doesn’t explain why he just kicked you out.”

  “I may have mentioned that Cole’s not my real name and he flipped out, told me he didn’t know who I was and shoved me through the front door.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah. So how did you get here so fast?”

  “After I dropped you off my phone rang. It was Drew-”

  “Bella, I warned you about going there,” I say.

  “I didn’t go for him,” she barks. “Mia was beside herself, he didn’t know what to do and thought she needed a woman’s touch.”

  “Oh, sorry,” I say sheepishly once I realise the truth.

  “Thank you.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “Yeah. I just laid with her on her bed, talked to her. She eventually fell asleep. You rang not long after that.”

  “Poor kid. I know our lives have been shit and we’ve both lost our parents, we deserved better ones anyway. But it’s not fair for kids to lose amazing parents.”

  “Agreed.”

  We’re silent the rest of the way home. My mind is spinning over how Logan acted tonight. I really hope it was just the alcohol talking and when he sobers up he’ll realise he was wrong. I also have this nagging feeling that Bella might be stretching the truth about what’s
going on with Drew. I hope I’m wrong though, I don’t need that kind of drama.

  Twelve

  Two days after the funeral and we’re back in another hotel preparing to head to tonight’s venue for Logan’s first performance since losing his sister.

  I haven’t heard from him since the night he threw me out of his house. Mia’s been in touch asking what’s going on because he hasn’t seen any of his family and he’s even refusing to answer his door to her.

  “Everything will be okay. He’s probably just needed a few days to try to get his head together. It’s been a tough week and he’s had to leave his family again. It can’t have been easy,” Bella says as she sorts her stuff out.

  I know all this, I do, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling sick with the excitement of seeing him again after a few days apart, and nerves about how he’s going to act after how things were left.

  I don’t see him until he steps on to the stage with us as his first song of the night starts. His voice, as ever, is flawless but how he looks close up makes my steps falter. Not only does he look exhausted but he’s pale and gaunt. How is it possible he can look so rough after only a couple of days? My heart pounds in my chest, I should have been there for him, with him the last couple of days. He’s been alone with no one to take it all out on. I should have gone to him and demanded that he let me back in. Mia told me to come but I refused saying it was what Logan wanted. Well looking at him now I think I was wrong.

  “Jesus, Chase looks rough,” Connor comments as we walk off stage. The next couple of songs are Logan on his own giving us a chance to change ready for our next performance.

  “His sister died, what do you expect?” I ask.

  “Alright, calm down. I know that I was just saying.”

  “Well don’t.”

  Connor raises his eyebrows at me in question before heading over to his side of our dressing room. I’m pissed off and the last person I want to talk to is Connor the tantastic.

  The second I’ve dumped my stuff in our room I’m turning around and heading up towards where I have discovered Logan’s room is. Pip came up trumps in telling us which room was his. All it took was for Bella to bat her eyelashes at him and he spilled instantly. Good job I’m not some creepy stalker-fan he’s giving that kind of information to.

  The look on Pip’s face as he stares down at Bella isn’t the look of someone who is just interested in being her friend like she keeps saying. I’ve warned her not to lead him on but what else can I do? Something tells me it’s going to get messy.

  “Logan, open the bloody door,” I shout as I hammer on it hoping he’ll let me in.

  I knock for over twenty minutes but eventually give up. He’s either not going to answer me or he’s not there. I’m hoping for the latter option because that means he might not actually be ignoring me.

  I drag my arse back to my room. Bella has gone out for drinks with the others so I get in bed feeling sorry for myself like I have done for the past few days.

  “What the fuck?” I ask loudly, waking Bella up and scaring the shit out of her at the same time if the look on her face is anything to go by. “Sorry,” I mutter.

  “What now?” she asks just about managing to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

  I look back down at my phone to make sure I wasn’t seeing things before I answer.

  “Logan was out at some club after the show last night. His picture is all over social media with some woman hanging all over him,” I state.

  I watch as Bella props her pillows up against her headboard while she tries to get her sleep fuzzed brain to function enough to come up with a suitable reply.

  “He won’t have had any interest in her, she was probably just persistent.”

  “Yeah that’s what I thought until I saw this photo,” I say holding my phone up to her so she can see the very close up of Logan’s tongue down the woman’s throat.

  “What the fuck?” Bella asks repeating my earlier question.

  “But he’s…he wouldn’t…” she says starting sentences but not finishing them. “Fuck.”

  I’m mad. No, not mad. Fucking furious. What the fuck does he think he’s playing at? He uses me for release, or whatever that was when his sister died, then without so much as a warning I’m dropped in favour of some random woman. He’s not even in to women!

  “What are you going to do?”

  I just shrug my shoulders at her as I continue flipping through the photos of Logan that have been posted. There’s one’s with his arm around the woman, them dancing together then a few of them kissing.

  I was convinced that he’s been telling me the truth, that he’s gay and has no interest in women but this showing that it’s clearly not true.

  As much as I might have tried to like women in the past it’s never worked. I was desperate to be ‘normal’ as a teenager so I asked girls out, dated a few. Although they were all lovely they just didn’t do it for me and I’d find myself checking out the guys that walked past us.

  I tried kissing Bella once when we hadn’t known each other very long. At that point I hadn’t told anyone about my feelings towards men, I didn’t really understand them myself but I told Bella the truth. I haven’t regretted it for a second. We’ve been best friends ever since. She was the first person in my life who accepted me for who I was and encouraged me to be myself and do the things I love. It was only months later that Bella took me in when I ended up homeless. I’ve never looked back. She is the family I wasn’t born with. I’d do anything for her.

  “I need to talk to him,” I say although I’m not sure if I’m actually answering her question or just talking to myself.

  It’s three more days before I get Logan alone. Three long fucking days.

  I’ve been to his hotel rooms but he either ignores me or he isn’t there. I’ve tried to get to him backstage but he’s put a security guard on his dressing room door and I get stopped every time I attempt to get anywhere even close to the door. I’m starting to think it might be over between us and I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I mean it’s probably for the best, it would have ended badly for me because he’s a huge star and I’m just me. That doesn’t mean to say I’m not gutted though, I don’t feel like our time is up yet. I need more of Logan Chase.

  “Hurry up, the cars are waiting,” Bella complains.

  “Yeah I know. I’ll be quick.”

  We’ve been hanging around and helping to get everything packed away ready to move on in the morning. Bella and I were just about to step out of the building when I realised I’d left my jacket inside.

  I jog through to where I know it is but as I pass Logan's dressing room I see that the door is open. I can’t help but stop and look inside.

  I can’t believe my luck when I see him sat in front of his dressing table with his elbows on the table top and his head in his hands. I glance around and see that we’re alone, so I let myself in.

  He must hear my footsteps because without looking he apologises for taking so long and starts to stand. It’s not until he’s at full height that he turns and looks straight into my eyes.

  I see a couple of things happen in the split second his eyes lock on to mine. I see shock and sadness but thankfully I also see lust.

  I reluctantly ignore the lust and focus on the other two.

  “Been ignoring me?” I question.

  “I…uh…no,” he stutters looking away from me.

  “Really, well that’s not how I’m seeing it. What’s going on Logan? One minute everything is okay with us, the next you’re losing the plot, kicking me out of your house and ignoring me for days while you get it on with a woman.”

  His face snaps to mine at my last point.

  “What, you thought I wouldn’t see the photos that are plastered all over the internet?”

  “I…” he goes to say something but movement outside the door catches his eye. “I can’t talk, I’ve got to go.” With that said he reaches behind him to grab his coat off
the chair and in the blink of an eye he’s gone.

  I’m just about to leave when something on his dressing table catches my eye. There is a box of Nerds, obviously, but sat on top of them is a hotel key card.

  “You’re not running this time, Logan Chase,’ I mutter to myself as I go and find my jacket.

  “What took you so long? It’s bloody freezing,” Bella complains when I sit down next to her on the minibus.

  “Sorry, I ran into someone.”

  Bella’s eyebrows rise in question and I flash her a look at the hotel key. She nods in understanding before instructing the driver to put his foot down.

  As soon as I’ve dropped my stuff off in our room I head up to find Logan. I don’t bother knocking because if he’s here then I want it to be a surprise.

  The second I walk through the door I know he’s here, I feel tingles run down my spine. They only increase when I hear his voice.

  “I know, but I needed to do it.”

  Silence.

  “Because I did. I can’t have people finding out.”

  Silence

  “Because I can’t, that’s why. Anyway I shouldn’t have to answer to you, madam. How are you doing?”

  Silence.

  “I am not changing the subject, I want to know if you’re okay.”

  I smile to myself because it’s obvious even from the one-sided conversation that he’s talking to Mia, and that she’s giving him some grief. I hope she gives him a right ear bashing for what he’s been up to. I know she’s been keeping tabs on him because Bella’s been getting messages from her to tell me that Logan’s an idiot and he doesn’t mean what he’s been doing. I have to agree with her there, Logan is an idiot.

  I hate to eavesdrop but I’m not leaving now I’m here so I sit myself down on the sofa in the living room part of his suite and wait it out.

  Eventually I hear Logan say goodbye and after some shuffling around he appears in the doorway, much to my delight only in a pair of boxer briefs. I’m seriously pissed off at him but that doesn’t stop me from running my eyes all over his exposed skin.