by Jewel E. Ann
“Would you like to find out?” He wiggles his brows at me.
“Would you like to go on your next date with all your teeth?” Oliver says through clenched teeth.
“Enough, boys. I’d like to know what happened to the respectful young men we raised.” Jackie gives them both a tightlipped, disapproving glance.
Hugh stands while looking at his phone. “Well, if you find them, sweetheart, let me know.” He smiles. “I have to go into the hospital.”
Oliver and Chance walk their dad out while I help clear the table with Jackie.
“You know if you ever want to talk, I’m here.” Jackie takes the plates from me and sets them in the sink.
“Thank you.” I blink back the tears. All day I’ve felt on the verge of losing it. My emotions are eating me alive. “I just wish I could help him, that’s all.”
“Ah, sweetie, you are. I wish you could see that. He would not have gone back to Portland had he not met you.”
I look up and laugh because that’s not too comforting right now.
She takes both of my hands and squeezes them. “I know this has been hard for you, but trust me when I say that Oliver is finding his way back to you. Even if he doesn’t recognize it, that’s what he’s doing.”
I shake my head and swallow back the emotions. “Well it feels like one hell of a detour.”
“It is and I hope and pray with all my heart that you both have what it takes to survive it. Not very many couples have what you two have. It’s not just love, it’s friendship and respect. You laugh and play together and the passion between you is enough to make a momma like myself blush.”
We both smile.
“It helps to talk, and in case you haven’t heard, I’m a pretty good listener.”
I grin and hug her. “Thank you, I’ll remember that when I hit my blue moments again.”
“Call me anytime, okay?”
I nod.
“What’s going on in here?” Chance asks as he and Oliver come back inside.
“Girl talk,” Jackie answers.
I dab my fingers to the corners of my eyes while seeing the concern on Oliver’s face.
“We’re taking off, Mom.” He hugs her.
“Have a safe trip, Oliver.”
Chance gives him a hug too. “Let me know when you’re coming back to work for me. I’ll cut the vagina with a hammer loose.”
“Nah … it’s too much fun hearing how much she busts your chops.”
Chance grumbles something under his breath.
Oliver holds out his hand. “Shall we?”
“We shall.”
*
Oliver
The pain in her eyes floods me with guilt. More guilt. I swear I’m drowning in it. Melanie, Caroline, her parents, my parents, Vivian … it’s overpowering me in every direction.
We feed Rosenberg and head upstairs. There’s a sadness between us that’s hard to ignore. I miss her laughter. I got a mild version of it tonight, but not like I remember. The Vivian I fell in love with is cute and sassy with a carefree attitude and a penchant for doughnuts. I haven’t seen her eat a doughnut in months. Maybe I’m wearing her down too much. Everyone has a breaking point. I’m afraid Vivian has been so giving or flexible with me that she could break and it would be so subtle I wouldn’t notice until it’s too late.
“I need a shower.” Her voice is barely audible as she passes by me in the closet carrying her robe.
“Want some company?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
My head drops—hell, my whole body slumps. When did anything between us not matter? I shrug off my shirt and remove my jeans and briefs.
The steam from the shower pours out as I open the door. Bloodshot eyes look up at me through inky wet hair.
“I can still see your tears.”
Her beautiful face contorts like a knife is being driven through her body. “I don’t want to say goodbye again.” A sob escapes with her last word.
“I’ll stay.” I take her in my arms and let the water drown my own tears. This woman is everything in a world I was convinced was filled with nothing. And maybe that’s it. Maybe apart we are nothing and together we’re everything. Is it really that crazy to think that in a world with over seven billion people, it’s quite possible we weren’t meant to live alone—that maybe, just maybe, we need each other?
“Oli…” she looks up at me and presses her palms to my face “…love me.”
I close my eyes and cover her hands with mine. And then … I love her.
My lips seek hers with magnetic touch. She’s all I ever taste. My hands melt into the curve of her breasts until she arches her back. Her skin, it’s all I ever feel.
“Oli …” She whispers my name. It’s all I ever hear.
I lead with my hands and follow with my lips, taking the slow journey down her body—feeling, tasting, memorizing. Kneeling, I pull her to me and she eases onto me with slow, agonizing perfection.
“Love me.” Her soft words echo in my ear as she wraps her whole body around mine.
I’m at war with myself. My body wants to move with hers, giving and taking pleasure to the likes of which I’ve never experienced before, or will ever again. My heart … it wants to hold her in idle perfection … forever.
She moves against me, her body begging for our perfect pleasure, and my body wins over my heart. I taste her lips, suck in her sweet tongue, and knead her breasts.
“Look at me, Vivian.”
She opens her eyes, water raining between us, a few drops clinging to her long lashes. As I rock up into her, deeper every time, her cherry lips part and her tongue slides along her lower lip. The warm staccato of our breathing mingling between our mouths.
Vivian’s eyes leaden as I rub her clitoris.
“Stay with me, baby.”
She pulls them open again. “Oli …”
I need this. I need to see something other than pain in this woman’s eyes. I need to see passion, love, life … us.
Gripping her hips, I grunt from deep in my chest and bury myself in her so deep I swear I just lost my mind and it may never be found again. Every muscle tenses as I still, releasing into her. Exhausted, I rest my forehead against hers. We share weak smiles before our heavy eyelids surrender.
*
Vivian … sprawled out on her stomach, diagonally, across our bed, naked, sated, and mine. Until this moment I hadn’t realized that I’d been holding my breath for eight weeks. How did I do that? How does one live without breathing? How could I possibly live without her?
I’ve traced her tattoo so many times in the light of the moon I think I could recreate it with my eyes closed. Her fun and witty personality brings a spontaneous smile to my face even when I’m alone. Her beauty is the brightest star in my sky. And the sex is—indescribable. But this … tracing flower buds and counting freckles, I’m in Heaven. Vivian is my heaven.
“Wondering what I looked like before all that ink and the nasty scars it hides?”
“Shh…” I kiss her shoulder. “It’s two in the morning. Go back to sleep.”
She rolls to her side and kisses my chest. “It’s okay. Sometimes I try to imagine what the pre-Caroline Oliver was like.”
I twirl a lock of her long hair around my finger. “And?”
“And I can’t. Which makes me think that I wouldn’t have been part of that life.” She places the palm of her hand on my chest, over my heart, and spreads out her fingers. “So I don’t go there anymore, because a life without Oliver Konrad isn’t a life at all.”
I swallow past the suffocating feeling in my throat. When Vivian opens her heart and shares such raw vulnerability, it’s like a vice around my chest. She has no idea how fierce my need to protect her is. The unbearable part for me is when I feel like the biggest danger to her is me and my past.
I go for a mood lightener. “Yeah, well I’ve never tried to imagine you before me. Probably because I still wake up every morning and question whether I d
reamed you. And when I realize you’re my real, it’s like winning the lottery every damn day of my life.”
She giggles. “Lottery? Pfft … whatever. You must mean scratch tickets.”
“Nope. I’m talking the sole winner of the Mega Millions … every day.”
She ghosts the pads of her fingers over the thin patch of hair on my chest. “Oli?”
“Hmm?”
“Remember when you came to The Green Pot and needed some more plants that day we were really busy?”
“Yes.”
“Remember how long the line was and I let you budge and got you what you needed without having to wait?”
“Yes.”
“Remember I told you that you’d owe me a favor?”
I chuckle. “Yeah, I remember.”
She looks up at me with an inward gaze. I can feel her heavy thoughts like a barrier between us.
“Go back to Portland.”
I shake my head before her last word. “I said I’m staying.”
“You need to go back.”
“Vivian, no, I don’t want to go back. Caroline doesn’t need me, her parents just think she does. But the truth is they’re as delusional as she is.”
“Oliver, you need to go back for you.”
“What does that even mean? Have you been talking to my mom?”
“You owe me.”
I clench my hair then rub my hands over my face, releasing a sarcastic laugh. “I owe you? Really? You’re trying to trade cutting in line for sending me back to Hell? No, I won’t. Yesterday morning, yes, I was going. Even last night at my parents’ house I planned on going. But I saw the pain in your eyes, Vivian. Hell, it’s dark in here and I still can see the goddamn pain in your eyes! I’m not going. Period.”
She rolls on top of me, our faces a breath apart. “Oli, don’t you see? The pain you see in my eyes is for you not because of you. Get on the plane tomorrow, but not for Caroline, or her parents, and not for your job, but for you, Oli. And if you can’t do that…” she blinks and her tears fall to my cheek “…then do it for me.”
I don’t want to go. When I said I was staying it was for me as much as her. But when a man loves a woman the way this man loves this woman, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. To the front of the battle line, the end of the earth, to my last breath … That’s how far I will go for her.
“For you, my love, only you.”
Chapter Thirty
Yep
Vivian
Another Monday, another school day, another day to miss Oliver. It’s been six weeks since he boarded the plane to Portland, six weeks since we made love until the sun peeked over the horizon, six weeks since he soothed me to sleep in his arms, and six weeks since he left me asleep in our bed and walked out the door without a goodbye.
After he agreed to go back, for me, I had two more requests. One, that he’d make love to me until we both fell into a post-coital coma, and two, that he’d leave without a goodbye. Missing him is like a dull pain; when I’m studying or sleeping, I don’t notice it so much. But the goodbye … it’s a slow, cruel torture.
We talk and text every day, even if it’s just a quick I love you. Oliver has been working for the firm during the day and visiting Caroline in the late afternoons into early evening. Her progress is slow but noticeable. They’ve changed her medications and she and Oliver have been able to have random conversations about the food she’s served or a show that’s on the television at the hospital. Neither have talked about Melanie or the events that led to that tragic day.
I still go to Oliver’s parents’ every Saturday night, and sometimes my parents drive out to join us. While Hugh is out rowing on Sunday mornings, Jackie comes over for coffee. This is when we have our heart-to-hearts about Oliver. She assumes Caroline is talking through Melanie’s death with the doctor in her private sessions and discussing her ongoing struggle with depression in group sessions. Oliver still refuses to see anyone or even talk to Jackie about any of it. I fear he’ll start to slip away from me and everyone else who loves him if he doesn’t.
“My mom wants to get these wedding invitations mailed out, but you haven’t given me Oliver’s address in Portland.”
“Just send it to his house. I’ll relay the details.” I set down my menu. Alex and I discovered we both have a break between classes on Mondays that hits right around lunch time. I’d planned on using it for study time at the library, but she insisted we use it for wedding planning over burgers and fries … okay, salad for her. Although at this point there’s not much left to plan.
“My mom thinks that’s poor etiquette, since he’s basically living in Portland.”
“Well he’s still making the mortgage payment here and I hope to God he still considers this home.” I slap her hand. “Why do you order a salad and then steal half of my fries. Just get the freakin’ fries.”
“Can’t. I have to fit into my wedding gown.”
“Sooo … my fries are void of calories?”
“Yep. They only have the power to make the person who ordered them fat.” She pauses mid-chew with half the fry still sticking out of her mouth. “Shit! Look at you, Flower. You’re a junk food addict with a bony ass. Everything in the universe has to find balance. So if these fries aren’t making you fat then…” she spits out the fry “…dammit! I’m not going to fit into my dress and it’s going to be all your fault!”
“My fault?”
“Yes, you’re a terrible influence on me. Would it kill you to get a salad once in a while? Skinny people die too, you know?”
“I eat salad.”
“When?” She stabs a piece of lettuce like she’s spear fishing.
“Almost every day.” I laugh. “When you don’t finish yours because you eat too many of my fries.”
She wrinkles her nose and squints at me. I giggle and take a huge bite of my hamburger, ketchup and grease dribble onto my plate.
She grabs her phone and snaps a picture.
“What the heck?” I protest through a mouthful of sandwich.
“All you celebs forget the paparazzi is just waiting to capture your embarrassing moments.”
“Are you seriously still sending pictures to Oliver?”
She smirks. “I am now.”
*
As I trench my way through all the required reading for this week, I get a text from Oliver. I was expecting a call or even better, some Skype-X.
Oliver: Having dinner with Brice & Mitchell. Talk to you tomorrow.
Me: I’ll be up, call me when you’re done.
Oliver: It’ll be late your time. Tomorrow. Night, my love.
And there I go … deflating like a leaky balloon. It’s one night, I know that. However, lately our phone conversations have been cut short, usually by Caroline’s parents or one of Oliver’s clients. Our messages have been less consistent, and Skype-X hasn’t happened for several weeks. Next week is Thanksgiving and Oliver has yet to purchase a plane ticket.
I have zero leverage to be angry with him or even to have a pity party for myself. Oliver is in Portland because I told him to go. I imagined him sorting through his issues with Caroline and her family, or visiting Melanie’s grave. The naive but hopeful part of me dared to imagine him getting some help for himself too. But what I didn’t envision was dinner with the partners, lunch with clients, and less and less communication with me.
Me: Love you <3
Wait.
Wait some more.
Needy.
Nervous.
Going crazy!
I read two more chapters then check my phone. Nothing. I brush my teeth and wash my face. Nothing. Then just as I crawl in bed with Rosenberg and my English assignment, my phone vibrates.
Oliver: Yep!
Yep? YEP! His response to I love you is yep?
I’m angry … really angry. Swiping my finger across my phone screen, I contemplate calling Alex, but I know she’s at Sean’s tonight. Then I consider calling Jackie. She told me to ca
ll her any time about anything. But what would I say? Hey, sorry to wake you, but Oliver said “yep.”
Yeah, she might start charging me if that’s the type of craziness I start calling her about.
*
This morning calls for extra coffee. I really need to treat sleep like it’s of vital importance to my body. Maybe I can catch up over the holidays. Yeah right, dealing with Bridezilla and a bachelorette party. Sounds like I’ll be getting lots of sleep.
I take Rosenberg out once more before I head off to class. Grabbing my bag, I notice I missed a text from Oliver this morning.
Oliver: Good morning. Watching the sunrise and thinking of you.
Ugh! I ignore his message until I can decipher if my mood is forgiving and cheerful or begrudging and spiteful. As I head out the door, messenger bag slung over my shoulder and my insulated cup of coffee in the side pocket, I decide to be somewhere in the middle.
Me: Okay
My unstoppable smirk shows my inward satisfaction.
Oliver: Are you in class?
Me: Nope
Oliver: Are you okay?
And here comes payback …
Me: Yep
My phone rings.
“Hi.” I answer in the most diplomatic voice I can muster.
“Have I done something wrong?”
I answer without answering. My hesitation says it all.
“Am I supposed to know what I did?”
I look ahead. My building is approximately fifty yards away, so I can either lie and play the immature relationship game—hang up and be pissed all day … still immature—or lay it all out in plain sight.
“I was disappointed when we didn’t get to talk last night, which I can live with. But then you said yep.”
“Yep?”
“Yep.”
“You said yep to me this morning.”
I sigh. “Because you said it to me last night. I was making a point.”
“When did I say yep to you last night? And what point were you trying to make?” I feel the exasperation in his voice.
“I said I love you and you texted yep. My point is that nobody likes to be told yep!”
“It’s just an informal word for yes!”